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Piers into the abyss

So, farewell then, Piers Morgan. Editor of the Daily Moron since the end of 1995, he had a maddeningly spotty record. On the downside, he brought us the "Achtung Surrender!" headline in summer 96, and invented the "famous for being famous" gossip columny of the 3am mafia. However, he gave the Mirror the coherent voice it had lacked since Robert Maxwell bought the paper over a decade earlier. The Mirror was the only paper to attack the Blair Project for its conservative nature, and press for a more radical route.

Perhaps the dichotomy in the paper is summed up by its actions in the last week: on the one hand, opening up the public debate about the actions of British troops in occupied Mesopomotania by printing (faked) photos; on the other, running a squalid little piece taking the piss out of people who applied in good faith for a (faked) game show.

Dragged in

The International Cricket Council finally deigns to do something about the ludicrous state of cricket in Zimbabwe. Last month, Zimbabwe's politicians hijacked the selection committee. Whites were told to bugger off, Heath Streak went on strike, and fourteen white team-mates joined him. The fifteen were sacked for not "returning to work". The phrase "suspend them immediately" springs to mind. Never mind that the Australians have just sent an XI to slaughter their hosts. Never mind that there's some vague approximation to a test match going on with Sri Lanka's first team and Zimbabwe's eleventh. Just ban the racists now, and let them come back when the government stops meddling in the country's sport.

On second look...

From the Stoke Sentinel website:

Last year a Liverpudlian duo by the name of Jemini - not to be confused with Lennon and McCartney - heaped disgrace on Britain when they shuffled around an Estonian stage wailing indiscriminately in the manner of a pigeon in a vice.

Eurovision 2003 took place in Riga, Latvia.

Goodbye, Indescribablyboring

Seventeen and a half years after launch, and eight months after bringing out its first tabloid edition, the Indescribablyboringbroadsheet will finally die out next week. Its replacement, the Indytab, has finally become the brilliant newspaper it's threatened to be but hasn't been since the mid 90s. We wish them well.

It's all go go go

More things are happening than I can sensibly cover here, and some of them aren't appropriate for a fully public blog. This, though, deserves to be mentioned. Nine pupils from my old school have been arrested for trashing a bus and hurling black paint over its driver. The local bus company puts the damage in the "thousands of pounds". According to the E&S...

A gang of 20 pupils from Codsall Community High School ran amok last night on the 535 Travel West Midlands bus from Codsall to Wolverhampton. They wrecked the inside of the vehicle by throwing black paint, cleaning fluid, eggs and flour on the seats, floor, windows and roof.

The driver was also threatened and had paint tipped over him before police arrived and arrested the youngsters in Newhampton Road West, Whitmore Reans. Apart from the gang there was not any other passengers on the Optare Excell single-decker bus at the time of the attack.

Travel West Midlands spokesman Phil Bateman said: "It is diabolical what these children have done to the bus. In all the 20 years I have been working in public transport this is the worse case of vandalism I have ever seen."

He commended the bus driver who alerted revenue inspectors, working in the area, about the gang running riot on the vehicle. "He was very quick-witted, stopping off by the inspectors who called the police and also tried to stop the children getting off the bus via the emergency exit. They managed to stop around nine out of 20 trying to escape.

"The bus driver was very shocked. It was obviously a premeditated attack as children don't travel from school with black paint, cleaning fluids, egg and flour."

Police press spokey Sarah Kirby said police arrested four girls and five boys aged 14-16 for criminal damage. They have been released on police bail."

Sadly, this sort of nonsense doesn't surprise me one iota. Codsall High is incredibly popular, because it's historically been a great school. Codsall High's in Staffordshire, and traditionally drew its children from the middle-class Codsall and Bilbrook, the aspiring-middle-class Perton, and the avowedly-upper-upper class Pattingham. With that intake, it could hardly fail.

Thanks to the bizarre county boundaries in the area, the 100 children from Pattingham were bussed about six miles each way, every day. Barely a mile away, but just over the county border, is Aldersley High. That school serves Aldersley (respectable-working class) and Pendeford (sometimes-working class), and was one of the worst schools in the country. Its near neighbour, the Coppice High (serving Dunstall and other bits of Pendeford) was closed in the late 90s for being even crapper.

With the lack of quality schools in Wolverhampton borough, and the government's explosion in "parental choice", Codsall began to get a lot of children from over the county boundary. When I was there in the late 80s, there were perhaps a dozen children throughout the school from Wolverhampton, and (thanks to a quirk of geography) Codsall was the nearest school for at least three of them. When I went back in the mid-90s, there were perhaps 100 children coming from over the boundary, the school had had to build an extension to accommodate its pupils, and it was still full. I understand that there are now nearer 150 children crossing the line, most of them commuting to and from school by the bus.

This isn't a rant at the oiks from Wolverhampton city, I'm sure that the kids from Staffordshire could be just as bad. Instead, it's the logical conclusion of Wolverhampton's pisspoor schools, and the way government allows - indeed, encourages - parents to push and shop around for the "best" school for their child.

Phil Bateman of the WMPTE says his company might have to withdraw the bus service. Why punish the residents of the village for the failings of society in general? It's tackling the symptom, not the cause.

This from the poles

Independent/MOP poll: Should British troops pull out of Iraq by 30th June?

55 per cent: YES 28 per cent: NO 17 per cent: DON'T KNOW

Appearing at the dispatch box to-day, Geoff Hoon, the current minister for war, offered a bland statement about how he didn't think some pictures claiming to show Iraqis being tortured were genuine, that his department had received reports about this happening, but he personally wasn't aware of them. Could he be related to the Geoff Hoon who didn't know about the war ministry's strategy for naming David Kelly last year? Does this man actually know anything that goes on in his department? I think we should be told.

A day late...

Anastacia reclaims the top selling new album from D12, with Snow Patrol, Franz Ferdinand, and a resurgent Katie Melua rounding out the top five. In a week without new releases, some established acts move back up - Joss Stone returns to the ten after two weeks, Jamie Cullum and Nelly Furtardo reverse their drops, and Britney's back up from 32 to 16, though that's probably more down to her tour. The Lostprophets' single propels their album from 28 to 19. Damien Rice's album is discounted, and re-enters at 23, Daniel Bdingdangdong climbs seven to 29, and there are returns for Ryan Adams and Goldfrapp.

Only two new entries this week: Breed 77's Cultra at 33, and Joe's And Then at 37, nine weeks after its original release.

Singles: Eamon's still at the top, ahead of over-hyped and under-dressed Christina Milian, and over-hyped and under-performing Natasha Bdingdangdong. Keane enter at 4 with the rather wonderful Everybody's Changing, one place ahead of the woeful Ronan Bleating and Leann Rimes. Other recommended newies: Ash's Orpheus at 13, pretty much what we'd expect from the group who make their recordings sound utterly effortless. Lostprophets' Wake Up bows at 18, Graham Coxon's Bitter Sweet Bundle of Misery at 22, Auf der Maur's Real A Lie at 33, and ha! to the Von Bondies, who can only hype themselves to 43. You can arrange a stunt with that bloke out of the White Stripes, but you can't sell shit to the Grate British Public.

Don't "we" me

For the benefit of everyone who doesn't read the Sunday Pornographersrag... actually, can we go from the top...

For the benefit of everyone, today's Sunday Pornographersrag (unread copies still at your smutagents) reports how Robert Kilroy-Shaft has completely lost his marbles. Kilroy-Shaft, sacked after repeating his old columns attacking the Arabs, has become a European election candidate for the right-wing UK Independence Party. He wants the UK to withdraw entirely from the EU, and impose heavy restrictions on immigration. Does that include barring entry to smug gits who want publicity at any cost, and can't keep a series on television? Anyway, what does the UKIP say about their new candidate, who spent the weekend at his home in Spain?

"It is inspired by envy, greed and self-serving ambition that dictates if they can't beat us they will drag us down to their level ... Predators are at the gate ... No one and nothing is safe from the barbarians in our midst."

And if that's not a ringing endorsement of Kilroy-Shaft's candidature, I don't know what it is.

Fair trade is still for life

The IoS reports that Nessles will be launching an "ethical" coffee. From Nessles? Shome mishtake, shurely...

The Swiss food giant is understood to be planning a "direct coffee" product. The branding has not been revealed but Nestlé is not planning to work with the Fairtrade Foundation, the consortium of non-governmental organisations which verifies ethical food products.

Nestlé has been critical of Fairtrade and only last month unveiled a critical report on its policies. Fairtrade supports Café Direct, the coffee and tea maker, which is growing fast in the UK market, increasing sales by about 20 per cent a year.

The big food groups have been eyeing the ethical consumer market, and have made much of their sensitivity to issues of sustainable food production.

Nestlé has published two reports on the coffee market, stung by criticism of its practices by NGOs such as Oxfam. In the first, the Coffee Report, Nestlé chief executive Peter Brabeck-Letmathe said that "Fairtrade can only work in a niche market". The more recent report, What Can Be Done, went further, saying: "If farmers were paid Fairtrade prices exceeding the market price, the result would be to encourage those farmers to increase coffee production, further distorting the imbalance between supply and demand."

Ian Bretman of the Fairtrade Foundation attacked Nestlé's potential move into ethical products. "This could undermine trust in the Fairtrade product. It seems rather dishonest to do something without the involvement of Fairtrade."

While Fairtrade does not have a monopoly on fairly traded goods, the suggestion that Nessles could have anything to offer does rather verge on the ludicrous. It's not that we don't trust them, it's ... well, we don't trust them.

older writing...