Out of the mouths of babes...

One morning, a lad of 12 was woken at some unearthly hour of the morning. He went on a long journey to meet a really important man. By the time that really important man arrived, our hero was tired. While the really important man droned on and on in his impenetrabatable speakification style, the youngster yawned, checked his watch, looked at his feet, and generally acted tired.

There, the story ends. The really important man was Republican Candidate X, and the event was filmed for possible use on his campaign for election to the PDR-UP. Obviously, with a youngster yawning in the background, that footage ain't gonna be used.

There, the story ends. Except the film made its way to ITV2, where David Letterman has a late night show, and he's always scrabbling about for material. "Oh, this will fill a few seconds. Candidate X bores the pants off a youngster. Smart-ass joke here, move on."

There, the story ends. Except the Candidate X campaign said "Hey, Dave, that film's a complete fake," and the credible nitwits at Credible Nitwit Nooz went on air and said "The junta confirms that the film of the bored teenager was a fake."

Enter, stage right, Dave Letterman's short temper. One small explosion later, enter a red-faced junta spokesmoron, confirmirating that the tape is, indeeditudily, accuratificationary and completely really. Quite why Credible Nitwit Nooz (slogan: the network of record) should attach any credence to Candidate X's campaign, or anything from the lying junta, is another story.

Long memories

Last year, I wrote how Arnold Schwarzenegger had groped three famous media people when in the UK. As expected, the Arnie camp denied the accusations, won the controversial recall election for California provincial governor, and reached Celebdaq prices that should never be seen. Anna Richardson will see Arnie in court. She reckons Herr Schwarzenegger damaged her reputation as a professional interviewer by presenting her as someone who uses sex as part of her interview technique. Other women allegedly groped by Herr Schwarzenegger are also expected to give evidence when the case comes to trial later in the year.

By-election watch

No major upsets in this week's batch of by-elections, and the eight-week rolling average continues to tilt slowly back towards Labour. They're now looking at a majority of 39 (old boundaries) 26 (new). This week's swings: Lab - C, 5.25%; LD - C, -1.10%; LD - Lab, -6.35%.

Oh, just begger off

Well, that just about wraps it up for the self-proclaimed "rulers" of the People's Democratic Republic of United Provinces. The authorities in that volatile and recalcitrant dominion will treat their esteemed visitors like common criminals, by photographing and fingerprinting them on entry, before they've even had a chance to commit any crime. How utterly charmless. Have these United Provincial rulers forgotten about good manners? Being polite hosts? Does etiquette, charm, and trust count for nothing any more?

As everyone knows, the PDR-UP is living on borrowed time, with an economy that's going down faster than a speeding lemming. Mark my words, no civilised country treats its visitors in that heavy-handed manner. No country that dares show its face in the international brotherhood of man will be so patronising. My visit is helping to keep your busted economy afloat for a little while longer.

Well, no more. Fix it, or face your ruin. Go pretend you're unbeaten in war since 1776 (and you only won that thanks to a tactical retreat on our side.) In fact, let's send in our military, give your incompetent army brats a run for their money, with our guns that jam in the rain, and our planes that don't fly. Er...

But seriously. This correspondent has had enough of the insensitive attitude from the self-proclaimed "rulers" of the PDRUP, and will seek other playgrounds. Places where he's treated with respect.

This week's currency rates: 1.8292 (+151), 1.5108 (+155), 0.6620 (-68), 1.2109 (-23).

The Download Chart Is Coming

The list of most legally downloaded tunes for the past three months shows a strong correlation with the official singles sales. For no adequately explored reason, these internet sales don't count to the official sales chart. Highlights...

1. Hey Ya - Outkast (#7 on physical sales, also the biggest internet seller ever in the US.)
2. Shut Up - The Black Eyed Peas (#14)
3. Milkshake - Kelis (#5)
4. All This Time - Michelle McManus (the Pop Idle 2 winner, #1)
5. Mysterious Girl - Peter André (#2, alarmingly)
6. White Flag - Dido
7. Amazing - George Michael
8. Leave Right Now - Will Young (#15)
9. Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne
10. Somewhere Only we Know - Keane (a very pleasing #18)

16. Sunrise - Norah Jones (secured almost all its sales before the physical release last Monday.)
18. Crazy in Love - Beyoncé (a physical seller from last autumn.)
22. Beautiful - Christina Aguilera (physical release was February 2003.)
25. Powerless (Say What You Want) - Nelly Furtado (hasn't sold many copies in the real world.)
28. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns 'N' Roses (original release: 1988. The top oldie on the list.)
31. Don't Know Why - Norah Jones (surprisingly, never a top 40 hit.)
35. On the Radio - Michelle McManus (hasn't yet been released, and she's made these sales in barely three weeks.)
38. Unfinished Sympathy - Massive Attack (it really was 1991, folks)

Some quick thoughts on the North American sales and airplay charts: Clay Aiken's second commercial single, Solitaire, was last week's highest new entry at #4. This week, it remains the best seller, but slumps to 27 because it's getting next-to-no airplay. A new #1 on the digital download lists, My Band (Explicit Album Version) from D12. I look forward to Gambo playing that next week (;. Number two on the physical sales side, behind Clay Aiken, is Penny And Me, the very much overdue comeback single from Hanson. I genuinely do look forward to Gambo playing that one. Kimberley Locke's 8th World Wonder is 3, Diana Krall's Temptation 4, and Frankee's FURB rather spoils the quality at 5.

Britain's Railways Are Crap - Official

A report from MPs made some quiet, calm, and understated points. The rail industry is "out of effective control" with "flaws in the main pillar of railway governance." The House of Commons Transport Committee found fault with all the main bodies involved in the railways, but added that the "fundamental failure of the railway is one of Government policy". "It (the Government) has had six years to construct a policy and structure for the railway that works well, but our report shows that is has failed to do so."

Fragmentation in the railways was getting worse, industry costs were increasing, performance remained "in the doldrums" and the Strategic Rail Authority (SRA) appeared "utterly incapable of managing significant improvements." There was a confusion and a lack of co-ordination between major rail bodies; Rail Regulator Tom Windsor had acted in a "high handed" way and was over-powerful, Network Rail (NR) chiefs seemed not be in full control of their company, and the industry had lost confidence in the Health and Safety Executive (HSE). The committee listed cases of "intra-industry squabbling" and "buck-passing", the setting of "nonsensical targets", the inability of rail leaders to provide a vision of the way forward, and "divided leadership and powerlessness".

And it goes on. The MPs were "outraged" that £58 million of taxpayers' money was used to prop up Connex's South Eastern franchise only for the franchise to be taken over by the SRA. The same SRA had shown "woefully poor management" over the Connex problem. The committee was "appalled" to see so profound a disagreement between NR and the HSE over the fitting of the Train Protection Warning System. The present structure had allowed Mr Windsor "to write off astonishingly large sums of public money, apparently on his own authority". Even the Rail Passengers Council failed to escape from the committee's condemnation, being seen as too low-profile.

Phew. I was watching a 1991 episode of Have I Got News For You last night. That week, Richard Branson had announced his plans for Virgin Rail - "like the best bits of Japanese trains and the Orient Express," promised the maverick, and time has proven him right. He meant the trains would be fast, punctual, and luxurious. Instead, they're as cramped as the worst Japanese trains, and cost as much (and more) as a trip on the world's swishest train.

Here in the West Midlands, we get the best and worst of all worlds. Chiltern Railways is a shining example of how things can go right when a company has effective control over its lines. Thirty miles of track has been doubled, passenger numbers are through the roof, services from Birmingham to London have increased from eight a day to two an hour, and there's no better route to the nation's capital. We see the success of Centro in increasing train services - the cross-Birmingham line has six trains per hour weekdays, and passenger numbers to make the route profitable. And we see the pisspoor Central Trains service from Birmingham to Stratford-on-Avon, using old, rattly, fragile trains that are stinky at seven in the morning.

Just for fun: The cost of the West Coast Upgrade. Pick a number, pick another number, multiply them together.

Bias is in the eye of the beholder

To the surprise of no-one, the Israeli government has whinged and whined about BBC coverage of last week's "captured suicide teen." According to minister Nathan Sharansky, the impartial Beeb has "gross double standards" and a "deep-seated bias" against Israel. The BBC's thought crime? To have accurately reported that the youngster, captured on film while being arrested between the West Bank and Israel, was "a picture that Israel wants the world to see" and that "we were not allowed to get [the child's] version of events".

In response, Mr Sharansky claims the report showed the event as "Israel's cynical manipulation of a Palestinian youngster for propaganda purposes." If it wasn't that, Mr S, what was that footage? Reporter Orla Guerin stands accused of "point[ing] cynically to Israel's attempt to manipulate the media." Again, if it wasn't that, what was the event?

From the vitriolic and borderline racist tone of its complaint, it's clear that the Israeli government is rattled, scared that this charge of media manipulation will stick.

Dive In!

Harsh words on the disqualification of Ian Thorpe at the Aussie championships. Thorpe, the aquanaut who won a gazillion gold medals at the 2000 Olympics, was favourite to win gazillions more at this summer's event. However, Thorpe's defence of his 400m front crawl title has been ixnayed in the oddest possible circumstances. While waiting for the race to start, Thorpe overbalanced, fell into the pool, and was eliminated from the race. With the Aussie champs also acting as the national Olympic trials, Thorpe's chance at a medal in that race is now zero. What is the point of trials? The Übersportingpundit pundit reckons

It was supposed to ensure that Australia picked the swimmers most likely to deliver the country gold medals. It has demonstrably failed to do so.

and he's absolutely right. If this result stands, Australia will not be sending her best swimmer in the event, and that's a tragedy. A medal opportunity for lesser nations, like Canada and the UK, but a tragedy for sport.

Let's Get Married

According to the Obs, this week's partnership legislation is marriage in all but name. Under the Civil Partnerships Bill - set to be published on Wednesday, just before the parliamentary recess - same-sex couples will be able to sign a register held by the local council's register office. Toadying to the religious reich, the Government insists it is not officially a "marriage" but merely a contract between two people. However, couples will have to announce their intentions beforehand, just as they have to do for straight marriages.

Registered couples will have rights to pensions similar to married couples, will not have to pay inheritance tax on property passed between them when one dies and will have access to hospital records similar to that allowed for a spouse. Couples who then want to split will have to go through a dissolution in the courts, similar to a divorce. If there are children, maintenace payments will have to agreed.

This is radical stuff, even for Labour. A Conservative "gay summit" tomorrow will discuss the proposals, and may well demand policies that outradical Labour on gay rights. Sorry, that's just unnatural, the Tories being all pro-gay and all that.

Anyway, I'd be churlish not to award the full three cheers to the proposals, with the caveat that this is a stage towards full equality, not the end of the road; and also to note with regret the requirement for exclusivity amongst contracts. Why should one not be able to register contracts with multiple people, with the gained rights split amongst the various contractees?

Sport

In the ICC Intercontinental Cricket Cup, Nepal hangs on for a draw with the UAE. The ICC ICC pits the non-test playing countries against each other in continental round-robins, with the four winners progressing to the final in Sharjah next autumn. The scores: UAE 293/9d and 253/6d; Nepal 213 and 141/5. UAE 18 points, Nepal 14. The third side in the Asia group is Malaysia.

The clocks went forward today, and no side is so rubbish that it's relegated before the clocks went forward. Franchise FC is very lucky to avoid that ignominy, the side can afford to drop just one more point all season, and has a game against Sunderland (postponed for the Wearsiders' match int the Cup)to make up. Arsenal and Celtic are already assured of European Cup football next season.

Better than Wes

Yog holds at the top of the albums listing for a second week, beating NERD's Fly Or Die down to runner up slot. Katie Melua slips to 3, Daniel O'Donnell 4, and Eric Claptout is in at 5 with Me And Mr Johnson, a tribute to his favourite mathematics teacher featuring that classic "The square on the hypotenuse."

Nelly Furtardo's Folklore has taken off rather, leaping from 32 to 22 to 8. It's good work for the Black Eyed Peas and Outkast to hold their stations. Chris Rea is in at 14, The Blue Jukebox contains covers of "Cold", "Frozen" and "It's a Bit Nippy Out." Jet climbs one to a new peak at 15, one place ahead of the Vines' Winning Days. Kayne West climbs from 25 to 18, but Enrique Iglesias slips from 8 to 17.

Amy Whinehouse moves back up, 31-26, and many congratulations to upcoming Brit singer Bic Runga; her Beautiful Collision is in at 32, and any excuse to pimp Get Some Sleep is a good excuse in my book. HIM win the battle of the Finns, slipping 14-33, with the Rasmus debuting at 37 with their Dead Letters. Sandwiched between them: Bonnie Prince Billie Sings Greatest Palace Music. This'll be the first Scottish traditional music album to chart in donkey's years.

On the singles list, Usher's Yeah holds the top slot, ahead of DJ Casper. Anastacia's Left Outside Alone has been computer-tweaked to be a big hit, sounds like a big pile of poop, but is the highest new entry at 3. Blue comes in at 4 with Breathe Easy, while the Darkness land at 5 with the ludicrous Love Is Only A Filling. Outkast's The Way You Move lands at 7, Sugababes In the Middle at 8 (if only it were a Jimmy Eat World cover), and Kayne West's Through The Wire at 9.

With all those newies around, no surprise to find Willy Oung slumping from 3 to 11, and most other tunes from last week's ten drop half a dozen places. The Delays land at 21 with the jolly good Nearer Than Heaven, Missy Elliott at 22, the Divine Comedy have Record of the Week Come Home Billy Bird at 25, and Travis's Love WIll Come Through at 28.

Hey Ya slips to 45, the longest runner in the upper echelon is Katie Melua, this week down ten to 33. Good work for Amen and South, as California Bleeding and Colours In Waves both enter the top 75. Disaster for Eamon - Fuck It (I Want You Back) has been promoted to high heaven, but only lands at 46; even worse for the So Solid Crew - chart toppers three years ago, now So Grimey can only make the dizzy heights of number 62.