Now here's something you don't see very often

Some things you never expect to see here. For instance "Actually, the Westlife version is by far the best." And "I'm in complete agreement with Mister Tony Blair."

Dumbasses - Blair

Tony Blair has pledged to agree and ratify the new European Union constitution as soon as possible and he described Eurosceptics' objections as "dumb". Well said, sir. The constitution will be a thoroughly good thing for Europe, and will give Britain the closest thing to a written constitution yet.

Unacceptable - Howard

Opposition leader Michael Howaerd said: "Zis constitution iz unacceptable to ze people of zis country and zat is vy Tony Blair is afraid to let us have our say in a referendum."

In a rebuke to his critics, Blair argued that the former Communist countries about to join the EU were unlikely to agree to anything that signed away sovereignty. "The idea that people around that table, many of whom are new members who have fought for years to achieve nationhood want to give it away is something that is a bit dumb."

If Brighton is the top

... then Solihull has to be the bottom. Of the list of gayest places in the UK, Brighton beats out London, Manchester, and Blackpool; Solihull is even straighter than West Lindsey, Hartlepool, and Easington.

Measure of a man

Manners, respect, and actually reading the whole story. These are good things. Unthinking and gratuitous criticism, these are bad things.

Don't panic, captain!

This week's EU summit in Brussels names former Dutch PM Wim Kok as the man to break the deadlock over the European constitution. There's a deadline of June 17 to resolve that one, held up by Spanish and Polish demands for extra voting rights. The principle of a double majority - of both states and population - is agreed, but the exact figures to constitute a blocking minority are under hot debate. The leaders also agree a cosmetic package to counter terrorism, but military action to remove the prime cause has been ruled out for the next few months.

Also ... another general strike in Italy, over working time and pension rights ... Serbian parliament endorses proposals for greater Serb autonomy in Kosov@ ... A sixth of Poland's ruling Democratic Left alliance splits off to form a new party ... Rock band The Darkness will have a road in Lowestoft named after them; it's unclear whether the street will reflect their musical influences and be a cul-de-sac ... This week's currency rates: 1.8141, 1.4953, 0.6688, 1.2132.

By-election update

In this week's town elections, a very good week for the Conservatives in their battle against the Lib Dems, picking up small but positive swings in all four seats contested. The Tories also did well against Labour, taking votes from the governing party as well. However, the two-month rolling average loses results from the last week in January, when the Tories a great result against the other two parties, and Labour suffered a humiliating defeat in Barnet. The net result, therefore, is a slightly counter-intuitive swing towards Labour - their one really bad result drops out, to be replaced by four poor results.

The eight-week average swings:
Lab --> Con +11.1%
Lib --> Con -1.9%
Lib -->> Lab -13.0%.

On the current boundaries, Labour gets to keep four more seats from the Tories, and one from the Lib Dems. On the proposed Scottish boundaries, we reckon Labour will keep a fifth seat from the Tories. This may seem trivial, but it's actually increasing Labour's overall majority to 33 (current boundaries) or 20 (new Scottish seats.) A breakdown of gains and losses lives in the sidebar.

The return of the green

Leader of the free world Mister Tony Blair visits Colonel Muammar Qadaffi at his camp in Libya. Col Qadaffi, perhaps best known for his part-ownership of Italian football side Juventus, agreed late last year to dismantle his weapons of mass destruction, allowing a graceful exit from the European Cup in the round of 16. Amongst those Labour party donors announcing deals with Libya today: Royal Dutch Shell, British Aerospace.
In other football news, the Italian government has dropped its planned bail-out of Serie A and B clubs, saying that now Col Qadaffi and Mister Blair are friends, the leader of the free world has unwittingly agreed to resolve the financial problems of the clubs. On the field, Real Madrid looks a cert to progress to the European Cup semis; Chelsea and Arsenal tied their match 1-1; and Franchise FC lost.

European leaders meet in Brussels to hammer out a new intelligence and policing deal. "We need some intelligence around the community, and we'll be sending out police to find fools and idiots," says the EU, intrigued that Mister Tony Blair has left EU soil today.

Also on the newswire ... Israel parades a 14-year-old boy who they claim was about to perform a bombing raid ... AZF's bombing threat is "delayed" owing to "technical problems," prompting further idle speculation that the group is a front for failing British operator Vermin ... More constitutional reforms in Italy, giving even more power to the Prime Minister's office, and enhancing the role of regional assemblies ... Heavy snow hits southern Germany and Austria ... and mourning for Dutch queen Juliana.

Let's get married

No, let's not. Benton, Oregon, bans all marriages until someone decides once and for all who can, and who cannot, get married. In a nutshell: the Oregon Provincial Constitution bars discrimination against people on the basis of sexual orientation. Most lawyers interpret this as meaning it is against the law to allow different-sex couples to marry while banning same-sex marriage. State laws, though, define marriage as being between a man and a woman. Mind the logic gap!

Clearly, all this brew-ha-ha-hoopla is helping to protect the sanctity of marriage. If marriage is a right that people can expect to have, then it should apply to same-sex couples; if not, then it's perfectly reasonable for the province to take it away.
If marriage is a religious rite, and its "sanctity" must be protected, then the state has no business issuing licenses in the first place and should get out of church business. If marriage is a secular social contract regulated by a state, then the currently situation discriminates on the basis of the genders of the two marriage partners, and such discrimination is plainly unlawful.

F*xing It Up Again

Over in SLATE magazine, Dana Stevens thinks about the representation of gay men on telly. She's not impressed: "The one thing that gay men still can't be found doing on reality television is the very thing that defines them as "gay" in the first place: loving other men."

Fox's new series Playing It Straight, the first gay-themed reality show to appear on network television, wins the race to the bottom. The setup: Jackie, identified by the voice-over narrator as an "innocent young girl" with "small-town values," is isolated on a Nevada ranch with 14 strapping lads. Over the course of the season, she will choose a mate in traditional reality-show fashion, by eliminating two contenders per episode through a series of talking-head interviews and horribly uncomfortable televised picnics. The twist, revealed to Jackie in the season opener, is that an undisclosed number of these suitors are, in actuality, batting left-handed. They're polishing with, not against, the grain of wood. They're ? well, you know. That way. Seriously, I would rather listen to the euphemistic prevarications of a Tennessee Williams heroine than sit again through the montage from the opening episode of Playing It Straight...

Perhaps not since the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings have a culture's unspoken anxieties been so starkly projected on the small screen. If Jackie guesses "right" and narrows the field down to a straight man, then the two of them will split the USD 1 million [€75.11] prize and ride off into the sunset in a chauffeured car, glasses of champagne awkwardly balanced on their laps. But if one of the secretly gay men tricks her into choosing him, he will walk off with a cool million all his own. It's a microcosm of American society, where gays can best get ahead by remaining alone in the closet while straights openly pair-bond and consolidate their resources.

Many of the male contestants come from cities like Seattle, San Francisco, and Chicago. Straight or gay, can we let these men get away with pretending to think that queerness is signified by hair dryers and cheesecake? It's easy to write off these shows' individual participants as so many gay Uncle Toms, ready to sell out their sexual identity for a buck, and it's just as easy to turn off the television. (In fact, it was hard to leave it on for the length of time required to research this piece since not only is Playing It Straight ideologically offensive, it's also colossally boring...)

Here's my diagnosis: Shows like Playing It Straight are a symptom of heterosexual America's collective guilt, our sense as a culture that we are not, in fact, playing straight with the gay community... The moral confusion and intellectual dishonesty of this statement find their echo in rhetoric from fence-straddlers on both left and right about the future of gay marriage. Reality television, it seems, is like everyday life in at least one sense.

Surprisingly, PIS has yet to show up on SKYTV's radar. I won't be surprised when it does, all the trash from F*x always emerges on the Mucky's dumping ground. Nor will it go against SKYTV's previously-noted stance against any positive depiction of queers - cutting Willow and Kennedy's sex scene might have been acceptable on grounds of plot, but not from a channel that deliberately sets up (straight) men with a pre-op m-to-f transsexual.

I've deliberately avoided all SKYTV output since they dropped the ball last summer. I'm not seeing any signs that the megalith is changing its tune.

Drop a bomb...

A suspect device has been found on railway lines in France. The thing, with lots of detonators, was found near Troyes on the line between Paris and Basel. The shadowy extremist group AZF is not believed to be responsible, as nothing from that group has actually turned up.

Also: Memorial service in Madrid gives the new Socialist premier a chance to schmooze with other European leaders, and Tony Blair ... As foreshadowed yesterday, Microsoft handed record fine by European Union ... UN human rights body criticises Israel for Monday's assassination of Hamas leader ... Pristina remembers the fifth anniversary of NATO's raids on Kosov@ with celebrations; it's more muted in Beograd ... Toy Bair to visit Lybia tomorrow ... Demolition gangs move into Britain's second ugliest building, the Tricorn shopping centre, Portsmouth. Buckingham House remains ... wins for AC Milan and Porto in the European Cup quarter finals ... Scottish Premier League works out what we told it last week: Celtic will play in the European Cup next season.

The closest thing to cheesy

Mike Batt on his new protogée, Katie Melua, and the rise of New Easy.

Elsewhere, a French cinema owner says he won't show fascist propaganda like The Passion Of The Chris T. M Karmitz says the flick turns "violence and barbarity into a spectacle."

Some of the biggest rock and dance artists including The White Stripes, Travis and Ozzy Osbourne are threatening to boycott MTV Europe in a row over airplay fees. MTV has been seeking to end the current system of collective bargaining with record companies and has sought instead to deal with each individual label directly. The broadcaster has offered a new blanket contract to labels, which effectively cuts their video royalties by more than half over the next five years.
According to the indie labels, MTV is no longer the home of "cool music." You don't say! MTV, its various spin-off channels, and even VH-1 stopped being cool roughly two years ago. Coincidentally, owners Viacom slashed programme budgets to the bare minimum roughly two years ago. The UK lineup of MTV stations is as follows:

• MTV - Plays pop overnight and in the mornings, and imported crap from the US in the afternoons and evenings. Three years ago, played pop all day, with a couple of hours of imported crap dotted about the day.
• M2 - Plays current nu-metal and indie music, with far too much imported crap (including the godawful Zane Lowe) in the evenings. Three years ago, played current and past alternative music, including European hits and viewer requests.
• TMF - Plays current and recent music. Launched October 2002, has recently added crap in the evenings.
• MTV Base - Plays soul music, with some crap in the evenings, but not much.
• MTV Hits - Plays pop music all day, again with a little crap in the evenings.
• MTV Dance - Plays dance music, sometimes indistinguishable from Base.
• VH-1 - Plays contemporary music over breakfast, themed videos all day, imported ripoffs of Liquid Assets and Reunited in the evenings, and stuff overnights. Three years ago, had intelligent homegrown programming and continually variable songs.
• VH-1 Classic - Plays classic tunes from the 1960s to the present date, concentrating on the 80s and 90s. Three years ago, did exactly the same.

A couple of things struck me while listening to the radio this morning. First, how come every single breakfast show host talks incessantly? National stations have Chris Moyles, the most loquacious man on the radio; Terry Wogan, who does jabber on a bit; Petroc Trelawney, a name DJ on Radio 3; Phil and Phill; Pete and Geoff; Christian O'Connell; and all any of them ever do is jabber on. Why can't breakfast shows actually play any records?

Second thought: this particular DJ is playing a very good spoof of The Streets. The right sort of beat, an uncannily accurate sound-a-like vocal, all the elements are there. It has to be a spoof because the topic matter - a too-beautiful girl down the chip shop - is too mundane even for Mike Skinner. And weren't The Streets completely 2002? It's the real thing? No. Must still be half asleep.

Future imperfect

A couple of shows this evening try to look into the future.

I've raved about Powers all year. It's a wonderful, tight drama about children who can do telepathy and empathy without really trying. This week, one of the youngsters gets to see his own computer. Jim Eldrich has put in some great, futuristic lines, wholly realistic for about twenty years down the line: "Dollars? They're no good for me, make it in Euro." However, it's surprising to see that computers of the future still run the same desktop as we saw on Windows 95 - will the WIMP really survive to see its 30th anniversary as the dominant paradigm? Even more oddly, one of the future characters used a CD to transfer data. Already, the floppy disk has been effectively replaced by the USB memory stick, and is Jim really telling us that that trend won't continue into the future?

Even sillier was If..., where we're meant to believe that both News 24 (three looks in six and a half years) and the ITN News Channel (three looks in three and a half years) will a) still exist, and b) still look exactly the same in March 2020. I think not.

F'in c'ts

Coelin Powell, the man who can't spell his own name, testifies before the US Congressional inquiry into the Sept 11 atrocities. He's being asked if the strikes could have been prevented. "Yes," is the answer he's grasping for, as Magdalen Albright Albright Albright confirmed today. She's been backed up by Richard Clarke, as Brad de Long points out on his blog here, here (a great primer on the junta's lies) and here, while here, the junta exposes itself as either completely incompetent or a bunch of liars, and here, the chief spokesmoron doesn't even take command of the situation one day later!

Premature cries of victory

The ostrich-like "No to the Euro" campaign is ceasing to campaign. The group is scaling down its activities to a "steering committee" but hopes to be able to resurrect itself when debate on the topic continues. This column has long held the position that Britain's initial isolation from the common currency was the correct response to the Lawson-Major-Lamont recession of the early 90s, but that Gordon Brown has failed to build on the structural changes he inherited from Kenneth Clarke. With wise management, the British economy would now be the driving force behind a more successful Eurozone, and reaping the benefits as the Euro became more of a global reserve currency. Britain would not be a spluttering engine becoming increasingly marginalised as international financiers split into pro-euro and pro-dollar camps.

Most of all, I'm a Softie in the head

The European Union has fined Microsoft EUR 493 million (€493 million at current exchange rates) for abusive business practices related to its pisspoor "media" "player". (Here's something better.) The megacorp has rather missed the point in its spokesdroid's response:

"We believe it's unprecedented and inappropriate for the Commission to impose a fine on a company's US operations when those operations are already regulated by the US government. The conduct at issue has been permitted by both the US Department of Justice and a US court."

The company went on to make the outlandish claim that "it could not have known its behaviour would infringe EU law and thus it should not be fined at all." The company later used the same defence for going at 100kph in a 50kph zone.

Why does this get the "Indecision" graphic? Because of this comment from Sue Curatty-Patch, another spokesdroid: "The EU has now directly attacked the authority of the United States and our economy in general. American jobs and economic interests are threatened." W00t. By imposing reasonable standards of corporate ethics, we're somehow attacking the freedoms that make the renegade dominion possible? Excellent. Er...

While in a foreign country, a US citizen is subject to that country's laws and regulations, which sometimes differ significantly from those of the United States and may not afford the protections available to the individual under US law. Penalties for breaking the law can be more severe than in the United States for similar offenses. Persons violating Italian law, even unknowingly, may be expelled, arrested or imprisoned.

So sayeth the Dominical representative in Italy. We did warn you, but you didn't listen.

The War On Terror (Redux)

Israeli helicopter gunships stage a dawn attack on a mosque in the Gaza strip, killing Sheikh Ahmed Yassin. The man cited as the spiritual leader of militant group Hamas was responsible for organising the recent wave of suicide bombings, claim the Israelis. A senior Hamas leader says "The battle is open and war between us and them is open."
International response has been very one-sided: it's not a popular move. Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat led three days of mourning, the UK foreign secretary Jack O'Straw said this action was "unlawful", France said it was "against international law", "heinous" said Jordan referring to his love life, Iran said it would "trigger a bigger struggle", and the US foreign department called for calm on both sides, the closest that country ever gets to criticising its satellite government.

Former White House security expert Richard Clarke says his junta is doing a "terrible job" on terrorism. He had failed to get national security on the junta's radar in eight months, and was then told by Candidate X that Iraq was linked to al-Qaeda, and he should find some evidence to support that claim. When he told X that there was no evidence, X and his henchman Rumsveld ignored him.
39th US president Jimmy Carter accused the US and UK of waging war on Iraq on "lies and misinterpretations."

Traffic on the M1 in Leicestershire was stopped this afternoon when a lorry shed its load of wine. "That's one for the road" said one wag, while police said that the road would clearly fail a breath test.

Oh ... go on then

Three cheers to the UK Immigration Service. Yes, you did read correctly. Here's why...

A marriage is valid under the laws of the United Kingdom if it is valid under the laws of the country in which it was contracted and if both parties had the capacity to enter into it. The fact that a particular marriage could not have been contracted in the United Kingdom is not in itself relevant.

"On the basis of the above-mentioned extract, our Entry Clearance Officers are currently under instructions to consider same sex marriages as valid under the Immigration Rules providing that the marriage was conducted in a country where such a marriage was valid under the law of the country where and when it took place and that the parties had full capacity to marry. That a similar marriage could not be conducted under UK law is irrelevant."

Go to the Netherlands, get married, and enter now, before the Daily Hell gets wind of this development.

Colour me cynical...

...but there's something about the investigation into the Spanish bombing that doesn't quite add up. The prime suspect is what we might term in British parlance a "spiv", someone who operates just outside the law, but without really organising anything. He handled stolen mobile phones and credit cards, that kind of relatively petty offence.

The only link to the bombings is that an unexploded bomb contained a phonecard that came from his shop. So he sold a phonecard to someone who went on to use it as a bomb. This demonstrates not so much a criminal mastermind as a bit of bad luck. The Spanish police confirm that no witnesses statements place their suspect on the trains.

Last year, there were some bombings in Casablanca. After the event, the Moroccan police went around "rounding up anyone with a beard," according to one speaker in today's Observer. Given the discriminating nature of that operation, it would be sensible to seek corroborating evidence for anything offered.

The media has made great play of "an al-Qaeda operation in Europe." There are allegations that last year's Casablanca bombings were inspired by one radical Islamic cleric in that city. German police claim that cleric also worked in Hamburg, and may possibly have come into contact with the eventual New York / Virginia bombers.

Let me track that in reverse. To get from there to Madrid, then, involves one man moving being inspired (or refining his inspiration, or something like that) in Germany, moving to Morocco, inspiring attacks there, and setting up a cell that would execute a campaign some months later.

But what of the Indians? Spanish police have arrested and charged two Indian men, described as being of "Hindu" origin. Hindus are not Moslems. Indeed, radical Moslems (like, say, al-Qaeda followers) would see Hindus as non-radical Moslems, and hence a bit of a waste of space. Our putative terrorists wouldn't bring in heretics to any such key role.

This all leaves aside the lack of credible claims for responsibility (the group that took the blame immediately afterwards also shouldered the rap for last August's power cuts in Canada) and the proximity of the Spanish election. Unpublished polls showed a possible Socialist win on the day before the attacks.

My hunch? I'm not at all convinced it was al-Qaeda; open to persuasion that it was a more nebulous and less strict radical Islamic group; and still have suspicions about Basque seperatists ETA. More evidence is needed.

In hard news...

Taiwanese leader Chen Shui-bian won the poll yesterday by less than 30,000 votes. The opposition candidate has persuaded the courts to seal the ballot boxes pending a possible national recount, amidst claims that the number of disallowed votes has trebled. This is possible because Taiwan's voting method is the simple X on a bit of paper.

This week's election is the French Regionals, first round. There will be few if any results tonight, the first round reduces candidates to two or three per seat.
Germany's Socialist SDP elects Franz Muterpeiring as the new party leader. Chancellor Schroëder is stepping down from his party role to concentrate on his national role.
In a statement of the blindingly obvious, UK foreign secretary Jack Straw says that the September 11 atrocities could have been prevented had intelligence and basic security been working properly.

Per(s)nicketies of the world unite!

You have nothing to lose but your mispronunciations. And your sense of steam. It's a blessing from the skies, especially the herb entry, though I'm not convinced about "spit and image," it gives me the Heebeegeebees.

This Week's The Charts

No surprise to see George Michael's last ever studio album, Patience, at the top of the charts. Yog has promised to retire after this album and give all his tunes away on the interweb. Katie Melua, Daniel O'Donnell, Jamie Cullum and Harry Connick Jr all slip one place to make room. Enrique Iglesias's album is re-packaged and re-promoted and re-bounds nineteen places to 8. Jet also does very well, Get Born bounds up 20 places to 16, the highest it's ever been.

Finnish rockers HIM resign from the 6 Music chart as their album And Love Said No enters at 14. The band didn't chart until this year, so though all the album's been previously available, less than half of it has charted before, so we can call it a New Album. Less confusing advances for the Sugababes (20-17), Alicia Keys (24-20), Nelly Furtardo (32-22, her highest), Kayne West (29-25), and Hayley Westenra (re at 27). New entries down the bottom for Lulu's Back On Track and for Chris De Burgh's The Road To Freedom.

On the singles list, Usher holds down the best-seller title with Yeah, ahead of Dj Casper and Willy Oung's Your Game. Britney Spears is still the airplay leader but drops two to 4 on sales, and NERD bounces in at 5 with She Wants To Move. Other recommended newies: Try - Nelly Furtardo - 15; Call Off The Search - Katie Melua - 19; Bring Back The Memories - Mark Joseph - 34, and (er) that's it. Ali Griffin, the Killers, Kraftwerk and Nickelback also enter.

With so few new entries, the old records can hang around a bit. Jamelia holds at 7, George Michael drops just two, Fountains of Wayne but a single place. Outkast's Hey Ya was rather cravenly deleted two weeks ago and falls from 19 to 32. It's overtaken by the other obscenely long runner Closest Thing To Crazy for the first time since Jan 4, Katie Melua's breakthrough hit bounces back up eight to 23 on her 563rd (well, 15th) week on the listings.

Bad luck to Courtney Love, Mono lands at the Position Of Death, a #41 hit doesn't get prime racking or any radio airplay. Cypress Hill and Seraphim Suite also finish within a stone's throw of the 40. Less pleased to see Haven fall well short - Wouldn't Change a Thing would like to swap its 57 entry. Aqualung will not find it Easier To Lie at 60, the Counting Crows' Hanginaround barely makes 68. No moans for Dashboard Confessional, though - Rapid Hope Loss may only make position 75, but it was only a 7-inch release.