
State Of The Onion Addressification
Or edited highlights thereof, delivered to the anticongress by the junta's spokesmoron in the early hours of the morning. Can't these people do anything in prime time? Cuh, eh.
America this evening is a nation called to the violent. Each day, the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are sceptics giving our senior citizens drug.
Now we face a choice. We can go forward with the dangerous illusion that terrorists are plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us. Through tragedy, and trial, and war, the American people are understandable, comforting - and false.
The PATRIOT Act allows federal law enforcement to plot against America and the civilized world. America is offensive to thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel, and one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice. The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger.
The first to see our determination were our coalition is leading aggressive raids against surviving members of the Afghan army. Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries are now dispersed and attack from the shadows. These killers are a serious, continuing danger. Yet we are making progress against them. The once all-powerful ruler was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are offensive, we are dealing with these thugs.
America's only law was the whim of one brutal man. Our coalition is working to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights. We are working to prepare for a transition to full sovereignty by the end of June. As democracy takes hold, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends. The United States of America will be intimidated by thugs and assassins.
I gave to you my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies. And this pledge has been lost. Our servicemen and women at many posts are still training and plotting in other nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans. It is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers.
The dictator's weapons of mass destruction programmes continue to this day, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Torture chambers still filled with victims - terrified and innocent. The killing fields where hundreds vanished into the sands known only to the regime.
It is mistaken and condescending to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government. The desire to live in freedom will rise again. The Middle East is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in America.
America is a nation with a mission to dominate empire. This great Republic will lead the cause of adversity.
You have doubled the child from $500 to a thousand dollars, reduced marriage, phase out death, cut small businesses, and you have lowered every American who pays income taxes.
The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was low. New home construction: low. All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learneded in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never masterered. By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you are weakening standards and accountability. We expect third-graders to read and do math at twelfth grade level - and that is not asking too much. This nation will go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics.
We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda. The unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Small businesses will pay higher taxes. The death tax will eventually come back to life. Americans face a tax increase.
Our agenda for jobs and growth must help frivolous lawsuits. Consumers and businesses promote conservation and make America dependent on foreign sources of energy. I will send you a budget that spends, spends, spends. This will require that Congress wastefully spend the people's money. By doing so, we can double the deficit in half over the next five years.
Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they benefit our economy. No Americans can be found to fill the job. It would encourage further illegal immigration and unfairly reward those who break our laws.
Our nation's health care system is also in a time of costs. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our contributors: You are giving them the money they deserve.
Our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose private health care coverage. Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs. I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance and wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits.
A government-run health care system is the prescription. By keeping costs under control, expanding access and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the worst in the world.
Some things endure. The values we try to live by never change. They are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families, and schools, and religious congregations, and drugs. The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message: one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice.
The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message - that there are short cuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough and to get rid of steroids now.
Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents. I propose a grass-roots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks. We will double teenage sex. All of us must work together to counter the negative influence of parents, schools, government, and to send the right messages to our children.
A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defence of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute, redefining marriage by Congress order, without regard for the will of the people. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard.
Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country - mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely. I ask you to deny social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or Star of David or crescent on the wall. People of faith can know that the law will discriminate against them again.
We have shown what kind of nation we are. We sense that we live in a time set apart.

This term's numbers
(From the Independent, which will make this article pay-only in a week. It deserves better.)
232: Number of American combat deaths in Iraq between May 2003 and January 2004
501: Number of American servicemen to die in Iraq from the beginning of the war - so far
0: Number of American combat deaths in Germany after the Nazi surrender to the Allies in May 1945
0: Number of coffins of dead soldiers returning home from Iraq that the Bush administration has allowed to be photographed
0: Number of funerals or memorials that President Bush has attended for soldiers killed in Iraq
100: Number of fund-raisers attended by Bush or Vice-President Dick Cheney in 2003
13: Number of meetings between Bush and Tony Blair since he became President
10 million: Estimated number of people worldwide who took to the streets in opposition to the invasion of Iraq, setting an all-time record for simultaneous protest
2: Number of nations that Bush has attacked and taken over since coming into the White House
9.2: Average number of American soldiers wounded in Iraq each day since the invasion in March last year
1.6: Average number of American soldiers killed in Iraq per day since hostilities began
16,000: Approximate number of Iraqis killed since the start of war
10,000: Approximate number of Iraqi cililians killed since the beginning of the conflict
$100 billion: Estimated cost of the war in Iraq to American citizens by the end of 2003
$13 billion: Amount other countries have committed towards rebuilding Iraq (much of it in loans) as of 24 October
36%: Increase in the number of desertions from the US army since 1999
92%: Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that had access to drinkable water a year ago
60%: Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that have access to drinkable water today
32%: Percentage of the bombs dropped on Iraq this year that were not precision-guided
1983: The year in which Donald Rumsfeld gave Saddam Hussein a pair of golden spurs
45%: Percentage of Americans who believed in early March 2003 that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 11 September attacks on the US
$127 billion: Amount of US budget surplus in the year that Bush became President in 2001
$374 billion: Amount of US budget deficit in the fiscal year for 2003
1st: This year's deficit is on course to be the biggest in United States history
$1.58 billion: Average amount by which the US national debt increases each day
$23,920: Amount of each US citizen's share of the national debt as of 19 January 2004
1st: The record for the most bankruptcies filed in a single year (1.57 million) was set in 2002
10: Number of solo press conferences that Bush has held since beginning his term. His father had managed 61 at this point in his administration, and Bill Clinton 33
1st: Rank of the US worldwide in terms of greenhouse gas emissions per capita
$113 million: Total sum raised by the Bush-Cheney 2000 campaign, setting a record in American electoral history
$130 million: Amount raised for Bush's re-election campaign so far
$200m: Amount that the Bush-Cheney campaign is expected to raise in 2004
$40m: Amount that Howard Dean, the top fund-raiser among the nine Democratic presidential hopefuls, amassed in 2003
28: Number of days holiday that Bush took last August, the second longest holiday of any president in US history (Recordholder: Richard Nixon)
13: Number of vacation days the average American worker receives each year
3: Number of children convicted of capital offences executed in the US in 2002. America is only country openly to acknowledge executing children
1st: As Governor of Texas, George Bush executed more prisoners (152) than any governor in modern US history
2.4 million: Number of Americans who have lost their jobs during the three years of the Bush administration
221,000: Number of jobs per month created since Bush's tax cuts took effect. He promised the measure would add 306,000
1,000: Number of new jobs created in the entire country in December. Analysts had expected a gain of 130,000
1st: This administration is on its way to becoming the first since 1929 (Herbert Hoover) to preside over an overall loss of jobs during its complete term in office
9 million: Number of US workers unemployed in September 2003
80%: Percentage of the Iraqi workforce now unemployed
55%: Percentage of the Iraqi workforce unemployed before the war
43.6 million: Number of Americans without health insurance in 2002
130: Number of countries (out of total of 191 recognised by the United Nations) with an American military presence
40%: Percentage of the world's military spending for which the US is responsible
$10.9 million: Average wealth of the members of Bush's original 16-person cabinet
88%: Percentage of American citizens who will save less than $100 on their 2006 federal taxes as a result of 2003 cut in capital gains and dividends taxes
$42,000: Average savings members of Bush's cabinet are expected to enjoy this year as a result in the cuts in capital gains and dividends taxes
$42,228: Median household income in the US in 2001
$116,000: Amount Vice-President Cheney is expected to save each year in taxes
44%: Percentage of Americans who believe the President's economic growth plan will mostly benefit the wealthy
700: Number of people from around the world the US has incarcerated in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
1st: George W Bush became the first American president to ignore the Geneva Conventions by refusing to allow inspectors access to US-held prisoners of war
+6%: Percentage change since 2001 in the number of US families in poverty
1951: Last year in which a quarterly rise in US military spending was greater than the one the previous spring
54%: Percentage of US citizens who believe Bush was legitimately elected to his post
1st: First president to execute a federal prisoner in the past 40 years. Executions are typically ordered by separate states and not at federal level
9: Number of members of Bush's defence policy board who also sit on the corporate board of, or advise, at least one defence contractor
35: Number of countries to which US has suspended military assistance after they failed to sign agreements giving Americans immunity from prosecution before the International Criminal Court
$300 million: Amount cut from the federal programme that provides subsidies to poor families so they can heat their homes
$1 billion: Amount of new US military aid promised Israel in April 2003 to offset the "burdens" of the US war on Iraq
58 million: Number of acres of public lands Bush has opened to road building, logging and drilling
200: Number of public-health and environmental laws Bush has attempted to downgrade or weaken
29,000: Number of American troops - which is close to the total of a whole army division - to have either been killed, wounded, injured or become so ill as to require evacuation from Iraq, according to the Pentagon
90%: Percentage of American citizens who said they approved of the way George Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 26 September, 2001
53%: Percentage of American citizens who approved of the way Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 16 January, 2004

...by which time...
...there's a fair chance that soon to be former prime minister Mister Tony Blair will have become former prime minister Mister Tony Blair. There are three huge pitfalls to face off.
1) The student tuition fees vote, on the 27th of this month. It's looking close, but I reckon the bill will either be withdrawn shortly before the debate, or the government will win. A lost vote won't happen. Not with...
2) The Hutton report, at 12:30 on the 28th. I reckon Hutton's going to clear Blair of personal wrongdoing, while requiring sacrificial lambs at the MoD and probably in the Number 10 hierachy. Gilligan's going to get slapped for sloppy practice, but most fire will go to Ali Campbell and his spin operation. But that's not the only legal problem over the unlawful invasion of Iraq.
3) Remember this name: Katharine Gun. According to the government, she leaked the fact that the US was bugging UN representatives of countries on the security council, a disclosure that helped to scupper any chance of a UNSC resolution authorising force. That case comes to trial in the autumn, and the defence is expected to require the UK government's "legal advice" to be published. They're certain to call a woman who resigned from the Attorney General's office over that flimsy tissue of lies. A failed conviction will, effectively, give the message that leaking this information was in the public interest, and that the bugging was taking place, and cast renewed doubt on the UK's role in the whole sordid affair. The more firepower the government puts behind its accusations, the more it stands to lose.
Over the three matters, I put Blair's chance of surviving to the end of the year at no more than 60%. If Hutton doesn't get him, KGun may well do so.

The Chart That Doesn't Count
But we love it anyway. Another week for Willy Oung as the #1 album, holding off the Black Eyed Peas for the fourth week. Katie Melua's climb continues, Call Off The Search
is now at #3, moving past Evanescence. Outkast's Speakerboxx
climbs to 5. Alistair Griffin is the highest new entry at 6. Bring it On
! Sean Paul bounces back up 10 places to 7, Kelis's Tasty
rises from 28 to 12, and young Devon hopeful Joss Stone's Soul Sessions
climbs from 26 to 18. It'll be interesting to hear something from Joss when she's not trying to do an album of soul covers... hmm, seem to have had that thought before. Basement Jaxx's Kish Kash
climbs from 24 to 20, while there are big falls for MOR glitches Hayley Westenra (8-15) and Michael Buble (15-23). In the lower depths, Stacey Orrico's single had some effect, her self-titled album moves 30-25, while Amy Winehouse returns to the list at 27. Returns also for the Offspring's Splinter
and Goldfrapp's Black Cherry
at 36 and 39.
On the singles side, week two at the top for Pop Idle winner Michelle McManus, but sales of barely 60,000 are way, way below par for a PI winner. Kelis's "Milkshake" climbs up from 3 to 2, becoming the first record this year to improve on its debut position. Franz Ferdinand is the current Fashionable Rock Band, all over the NME and M2 and Xfm, and now in the singles list at #3. Take Me Out
is the track, and it's worth three minutes of anyone's time. 2 Play, a faceless dance act, debuts at 8, just one place ahead of Outkast's phenomenally large Hey Ya
. Buncey Knotalent can "only" make 11, the Flopstars at 13, and these are both going to be seen as terrible underperformances. Not so for HIM - the Finnish rockers have the biggest hit of their career as Funeral of Hearts
lands at 15. Amy Studt covers Sheryl Crow (why??!!) at 21, Stacie Orrico is fading at 22, and the 80s Matchbox B-line Disaster place Mental Mental
at 25. Lower down, Metallica's top 40 career is over, they can only make 42. It's the first time in their 20 year career that Metallica has missed the top 40; this is what happens when you piss off your own fans. Amy Winehouse (the Amy that doesn't sell records, but the BPI likes) makes a dismal 57, while POD only debuts at 68. Decent hangings around for recent releases from Missy Elliott and Sparky bring the day full circle.