If we thought NICKED!, starring Charles Ingram, Diana Ingram, Tecwen Whittock, and Chris Tarrant was the apotheosis of the legal system, we may just have to think again.

On Thursday, police in Gloucestershire arrested a man under the more draconian end of the Prevention of Terrorism act. Coincidentally, Thursday also saw a loud "harrumph" from the Attorney General's office over press reports and media commentators corrupting fair trials by providing evidence before the trial.

Enter, stage far right, David Blunkett, the crypto-fascist interior minister. He made some astounding claims against the suspect, claims that appear to deny the gentleman a chance of a fair trial. Keith Mathieson, a media lawyer at Reynolds Porter Chamerberlain, told Het Grauniad: "It was an extraordinary thing for the home secretary to say. It's hard to think of anything more prejudicial to say about anybody now than that they are linked to al-Qaida."

The prospect that "This individual posed a very real threat to the life and liberty of our country... This person has connections with the network of al-Qaida groups" was a self-referential description of Mr Blunkett appears nil; the reactionary right, like the militant left, is not known for a sense of humour. Meanwhile, the Attorney General is investigating, and we rather hope that he slams Mr Blunkett in prison for a very long time ie forever.

Bush frontman Gavin "Peepers" Rossendale said: "Since I turned 32 everything - and I mean everything - has gone soft." So, if you reckon you can give Gwen Stefani a good time, do apply.

From the even more bonkers than Jacko file: someone who claims to be "Internationally renowned" (but who is completely unknown here at Chateau Weaver) is having a 40 day fast. The insignificant nobody has appealed to friends and fans around the world join in prayer every day at noon for the truth to come out in Michael Jackson's case. "He's bonkers, and so are you, and so are we," said the fans, Kylie and Wayne Bonkers of Neasden.

Elsewhere, the NF Times reports how the kiddies' plastic pal has been borrowing against his own assets. This is not news; Robert Nisbet's Liquid Assets on this subject ran this story over a year ago. (And, yes, that is the same show BBC3 has shown rather a lot. Each transmission contributes almost £5000 in royalties to its subject. That's a good part of a pound per viewer.)

The Washington Post reports Kiss bassist/vocalist Gene Simmons went on a two-hour tour of the White House last Friday, November 21. However, the 54-year-old didn't get to meet the president, according to the paper. Can anyone work out why that might be? Something to do with the way the president was thousands of miles away, governing the country from his university office in California, perhaps?

According to her spokey, PIUS winner Kelly Clarkson is "going for a mature look. It's part of her growth as an artist. But she's not going for a more sexed-up image." Being the second most talented winner of an English-language singing show, she doesn't need to pretend to have vocal cords of mass destruction.

According to official government figures, there were 11,955 asylum applications between July and September 2003. The corresponding period last year saw 22,030 applications. In the crazy world inhabited by the Blairites, this means that the number of applications has halved.

A pedant writes: Er, no. Half of 22,030 is 11,015. That is a lesser figure than 11,955, by fully 940. The number of applications has not halved. This is yet another blatant fib. I am sounding like a shrill revolutionary, so I'll shut up now.

Some of the names are in for Germany's Eurovision selection...
Sabrina Setlur, an ex of Boris Becker.
Overground, the winners of Popstars 3.
Scooter, yes, the people behind The Logical Song could be coming to a Eurovision Song Contest near you. Be afraid.
Wonderwall, the female duo who are a bit good.

Six more names will be revealed in the new year. I think I'm backing Wonderwall, coz it would only be one year too late for a female duo to win. The German selection's on March 19, and I'm wondering just how much it would cost to get an Astra 19 dish, to watch all the great German channels.

The Blair programme, year 855.

Tuition fees: a bill to "place universities on a sound financial footing," which is an implicit admission that universities are not now on a sound financial footing, and that would be entirely because of the penny-pinching actions of the Blairs. They intend to enable more people to benefit from higher education, so will charge higher fees, a move that the NUS has proven will act as a disincentive to students.

Child Trust Fund: all children born after September 2002 will get a cash endowment (with more for poorer children) they can invest and then draw on at the age of 18. In a fit of joined-up government, the phrase "why don't you use this to pay university tuition fees" springs to mind.

Legislation on the registration of civil partnerships between same-sex couples. Still viewing sex as an act between two people, but that's a battle for another day.

Asylum: A single tier of appeal against asylum decisions to "reduce the scope for delay caused by groundless appeals". How's about reducing the number of appeals to zero by allowing anyone to enter?

Constitutional reform: A supreme court, reforming the judicial appointments system and providing for the abolition of the current office of Lord Chancellor. Not before time. Legislation to remove hereditary peers from the House of Lords, on the grounds that they're the most effective opposition against the Blairite tendency. And an independent appointments commission to select non-party members, not a second too soon.

A bill to improve the services designed to protect children and the establishment of a Children's Commissioner for England. I don't know enough about the situation to comment.

Pensions: A pension protection fund to protect employees and pensioners if companies become insolvent, but no return to the SERPS. The government also promises to bring in legislation to encourage employers to provide good-quality pensions and for individuals to save more effectively for their retirement.

Terrorism and civil emergencies: A bill to create "a long-term foundation for civil contingencies" envisaged with the threat of international terrorism and a changing climate. A second bill will seek to improve the delivery of fire and rescue services so they can "respond to the changing demands placed on them in the modern world". We're going to need to read this bill like a hawk: if Herr Blunkett has gotten his grubby mitts on it, it'll be our equivalent of the P.A.T.R.O.T. act.

Housing: Legislation to "help create a fairer housing market" and the continuation of a bill introduced last session that aims to make the planning system "fairer and faster". The Daily Hell is going to go ballistic at the former proposal.

Defence: White paper to provide a statement of defence policy and an assessment of the strategic environment the armed forces operate in. A bill will bring in new pension and compensation arrangements for service personnel. Again, no expertise, no comment.

Other measures

* Legislation to improve traffic flows and manage roadworks more effectively. We need laws on this subject?

* Strengthening the powers available to schools and local authorities to take action against anti-social behaviour. Yet again, the Blairites are addressing the symptom, not the problem. ASBOs are an admission of systematic failure - they've failed the offender, they've failed the community, and they've failed the criminal justice system.

* Modernising the laws on domestic violence.

* A bill to regulate the retention of human tissues after death.

* Legislation to establish a Nuclear Decommissioning Authority.

* Legislation to modernise company accounting and audit arrangements.

* Bills to create a single public audit body for Wales and to retain the current number of members in the Scottish parliament. No comment on any of these.

Draft bills

* Enabling some local authorities to pilot new arrangements for school transport to reduce road congestion. That should be promising, but will the locals have enough teeth to make their changes stick?

* A referendum to be held on the adoption of the single currency, subject to the government's five economic tests. This is only a draft bill, and while it shows some vague intent to possibly have a referendum some day, it's not any sort of commitment, and that's the one thing the government needs.

* Publication of a draft on identity cards as part of the government's "incremental approach". See arguments passim.

* On modernising charity law to better allow charities to prosper.

* A draft bill responding to a review of the law relating to disabilities.

* Further clauses of a bill on gambling to be published. Again, no comments.

So, there's no serious attempt to resolve the transport botch-up that the Blairites have put in place over the last ten years. There's no serious attempt to defuse immigration as a political issue. There's still no word on a proportional representation system for the Commons, or any word on what they'll replace the hereditary Lords with. There's no reform of the health system to promote proper choice and quality. There's nothing on local government, local taxation, or associated issues. And on European integration, all we get is the wet sop of a draft bill on the referendum, without the serious reforms needed on both sides to bring the UK and Europe together.

This is rubbish. This is worse than rubbish, it's a waste of everyone's time. There's nothing at all on the major problems facing the country, and just a few measures to please the Blairites and annoy everyone else.

Johan Steyn, the third most senior judge in the UK, has roundly condemned the way the USA is treating her prisoners in Cuba and the way Britain is complicit in the arrangement. Human rights have been flatly disregarded, it is deeply wrong that the men have never had the right of Habeas Corpus (to test whether their incarceration has any argument to justify), that the military trials these men will face fail international standards and that the deal cut by Britain's Attorney General for British nationals to escape the death penalty if found guilty is inconsistent, unfair and exposes the ad hoc way in which "justice" is being dispensed.

The UK government, predictably, is being silent. No interviews are being given by the Home Secretary (who would like to lock up anyone who disagrees with him, one suspects), Foreign Secretary ("unavailable"), Attorney General ("no one available for comment"), Lord Chancellor ("does not comment on live legal matters"), Uncle Thomas Cobbleigh, or anybody.

Channel 4 did find a defender of the US position, live via satellite from Washington. That talking potato cited Churchill, only to be slapped down with news that Winnie released Moseley exactly because his detention was odious. The potato also claimed the detainees were "unlawful combatants, captured on the battlefield" and not in cities many hundreds of miles inside Pakistan. Oh no.

This, my friends, is a clear and blatant abuse of human rights. Unless and until it is resolved to my satisfaction, I am not in a position to visit the country breaching those fundamental freedoms.

From the "did I read that correctly files"

#1: Convinced that her fiance Ben Affleck had a fling with Ben Affleck before they started dating...

#2: Reduced product is now in isle 20.

#3: Rapper Nate Dogg has voiced his support for Michael Jackson after his child molestation charges. He told Radio 1, "I think Michael should have been a lot smarter when it happened the last time and just let it go, and stop hanging out with people's kids."

#4: US teens' five favourite Thanksgiving guests: 1) Kelly Clarkson, 2) Orlando Bloom, 3) Clay Aiken, 4) Justin Timberlankey, 5) Bouncey Knobrain.

#5: A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony came down and struck a participant in the head, critically injuring him.

NFL Commentary You Can Read!

NFL Tables You Can Use!

AFC East                 W L Div Com
New England Flying Elvii 9 2 2-1 6-1
Miami Marine Mammals     7 4 2-1 3-3
New Jersey / B           4 7 1-2 3-5
Buffalo Peelers          4 7 1-2 2-4

AFC North                W L Div Com
Cincinnati Bungles       6 5 2-1 3-2
Baltimore Quoths         6 5 1-2 4-2
Pittsburgh Rustbuckets   4 7 3-1 1-5
Cleveland Browns v2.11b  4 7 1-3 3-2

AFC South                 W L Div Com
Indianapolis Lucky Charms 9 2 3-1 5-1
Flaming Thumbtacks        9 2 3-1 3-1
Houston v2.0              4 7 1-2 2-3
Jacksonville Purrs        2 9 1-4 0-4

AFC West                 W L Div Com
Kansas City Chiefs      10 1 4-0 4-1
Denver Cursors           6 5 3-1 3-3
Oakland Ramraiders       3 8 1-3 2-3
San Diego Flats          2 9 0-4 2-3

As last week, all ties are broken on head-to-heads, except for Pittsburgh and Cleveland - their season series finished 1-1, but that's the Rustbuckets' only divisional defeat, and the Browns' only win.

Kansas will win the division if they beat San Diego on Sunday, and Denver falls to Oakland. Even if Denver sneaks a win, a Kansas win will give them a playoff berth; as the Bungles and Quoths must meet later in the season, they can't both finish 11-5, Kansas already has the head-to-head on Baltimore, and Denver cannot beat Kansas on divisional tiebreakers.

NFC East                                  W L Div Com
Dallas Cowpersons                         8 3 3-0 3-3
Philadelphia Lovers                       8 3 3-1 4-2
New Jersey / A                            4 7 1-3 0-4
Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons 4 7 0-3 3-4

NFC North              W L Div Com
Minnesota Norsemen     7 4 4-1 2-2
Bay of Green           6 5 3-1 2-2
Chicago Hibernaters    4 7 1-3 3-3
Detroit Peugeots       3 8 1-4 1-3

NFC South              W L Div Com
Carolina Fatcats       8 3 5-0 3-3
New Orleans Boy Scouts 5 6 3-2 1-3
Bay of Tampa           5 6 1-3 4-1
x-Atlanta Typos        2 9 0-4 2-3

NFC West               W L Div Com
St Louis Mouflons      8 3 3-2 4-0
Seattle Blue Men Group 7 4 3-0 3-3
San Fransisco 44-9ers  5 6 1-3 3-3
Arizona Cautions       3 8 1-3 2-4

The teams level in their divisions are split by single-game wins - all three series are yet to complete. The Typos becomes the first side to be eliminated from contention, after losing directly to Minnesota, and being unable to beat more conference opponents than Seattle. Yep, they want this year subedited out of the Official Team Story.

The two 3-8 sides could both leave the picture this week, as could the AFC's Purrs and Flats.

So, here's Central Trains' plans for changes in local West Midlands services over the coming years. Bookmark this page now, and we'll laugh at it in a few years' time.

JANUARY 2004

Snow Hill/New Street - Worcester service revisions to alleviate overcrowding and improve performance. That's what it says here.

MAY 2004

Transfer of more New Street - Stourbridge - Worcester services to Snow Hill, mostly in the evening.

Changes to Shrewsbury - Birmingham services, affecting very early and late trains.

SEPTEMBER 2004

Introduction of West Coast 'Pendolino' timetable with increased XC and WC frequencies, requiring consequent change to Central services.

New pattern of West Midlands local services
- Self-contained 30 minute frequency New Street - Wolverhampton all stations shuttle. Electric train (EMU) operated.
- 30 minute frequency EMU service New Street - Coventry (fast to International, all stations Coventry) extended hourly to Northampton replacing all Silverlink services. Peak enhancements with fast services calling at Marston Green and International only to Coventry/Northampton.
- Self-contained 30 minute frequency Walsall - New Street - Birm International shuttle. EMU operated.
- 30 minute frequency DMU fast New Street - Walsall services extended hourly to Stafford with peak enhancements to Hednesford.
- remaining New Street - Stourbridge - Worcester services diverted to run from Snow Hill with option to improve service frequency Snow Hill - Stourbridge to 6tph (3 from Dorridge line/3 from Shirley line), 4 tph to Kidderminster with 2 tph as now extended to Worcester/Great Malvern.

For comparison, the current situation:

- Wolverhampton - Coventry all stations every 30 minutes.
- New St - Walsall fast every 30 minutes, stoppers every 30 minutes. One stopper per hour on to Cannock, Hednesford, and Stafford.
- New St - Northampton every 30 minutes calling at Birm International, Coventry, Rugby, Long Buckby (one per hour), Northampton and on to Euston.
- New St - Stourbridge - Worcester, one train per hour plus peak and evening extensions.

The changes:
All Stourbridge line trains move to Snow Hill. That's simple.
New St - Wolverhampton becomes a self-contained unit, still running every 30.
New St - Coventry trains run fast to International, then all stations, and half run on to Northampton. Still every 30.
Fast New St - Walsall - services remain every 30, half run on to Cannock and Stafford.
Slow Walsall - New St services remain every 30.
A new fast Walsall - New St, extending all stations to International every 30. (I think. That's the way I'm reading it.)
They'll need two trains to accommodate the Northampton extension, and four trains for the Walsall - International service.

There's very little traffic from local stations on the Wolverhampton side to local stations on the Coventry side, and very little traffic to stations between International and Coventry at all. The service from Walsall to International is going to be popular.

DECEMBER 2004

Introduction of Chiltern 2tph timetable Marylebone - Snow Hill, following Leamington - Banbury resignalling.

(By this time, there will have been 4tph New St - Euston for three months.)

Off peak Central services Snow Hill - Leamington likely to terminate Dorridge and off-peak Stratford - Leamington services likely to be operated by Thames/Chiltern.

(There's one off-peak to Leam every two hours, and Stratford - Leam runs at a similar frequency. Chiltern will have four trains in 2 hours, one will stop at Hatton and Lapworth.)

JUNE 2005

Introduction of 20 new EMU sets - 100mph, 4 car, 2x2 seating with 1st class. New units to cover Coventry, Northampton and Liverpool services and also new 2-hourly Birmingham - Preston service to relieve XC Glasgow services.

DECEMBER 2005

Next stage of West Coast Pendolino timetable with accelerated timings as more of the network is equipped for 125mph running.

Over on TV Barn, they've been discussing Clay Aiken, and why he's so insanely popular. It's the voice, stupid. Entertainment Weekly (the US equivalent of Heat, apparently) sai it was "natural, confident, and addictive". He was never off-note during performance, and his voice has a rare clarity and crispness that's unique. Some fans joke that whenever they hear the original of one of the songs Clay sang on PIUS2, it pales in comparison with Clay's version.

In other words, Mr Aiken is our very own Alex Parks, only without the ability to write his own songs. He doesn't have the series victory, but does have the best-selling single.

Elsewhere on Planet Pop, Michael Jackson's fans turn out to show their support for their hero. Er, that's the theory. In London, there were almost ten people, waving placards saying "Micheal Is Innocent" [sic]. Sixty gathered to sing We Are The World in Paris, 25 made it in LA, and a demonstration in Montréal garnered the support of no fewer than six people.

There has been no comment from such famous Jacko-mates as Macaulay Culkin (scientist), Diana Ross (singer), Liz Taylor (wedding organiser), Liza Minelli (pet shop girl), or Lisa Marie Presley (erstwhile wife).

Also... Alanis Morediskettes releases her sixth album, So-Called Chaos in February. It's the logical follow-up to 2002's Under Rug Swept, and that two year gap between releases is the shortest since her debut and follow-up came out in 1991-2.

From the Daily Mirror Mirror On The Wall: "Which colorful pop star is constantly sending her flunkies out to buy her class-A drugs? The problem is she refuses to pay them back but threatens them with the sack when they don't comply with her wishes." Hmm. Go back to shagging Linda.

A civilised community will not split parents and children to facilitate an ethnic cleansing. Blunkett, resign now.

The crisis in Georgia deepens, as President Shevardnadze promises to use the army to take control after the army storms the parliament building in Atlanta.