This one's going to run... Het Grauniad reports that up to 20 US athletes may be disqualified in a row over designer drugs. One US official, speaking on the condition of soundbite, said "This is a conspiracy involving chemists, coaches and certain athletes using what they developed to be undetectable designer steroids to defraud their fellow competitors and the American and world public who pay to attend sports events." Forty will testify before a US grand jury from next week.

British finance minister Gordon Brown has a baby. He's going to call the wee bairn John. Bad luck, young sir.

After Thursday's outspoken Ratnering before the Finance committee, pressure grows on the Barclaycard chairman to quit. In its useful way, BBC Parliament has made this their most-replayed interview, and Matt Barrett's evidence is a hoot from foot to mouth.

Into the city centre this morning, to get some new peajamas and work trewsers. Marks and Sparks is clearly feeling the heat from British Horse Stores, as the PJs were 20% off, and were only more expensive than the trews because they were also discounted. A tenner off the full price on two items, enough for me to upgrade my Standing Hallowe'en Costume from idea to execution. (And, no, I'm not going to say what the Standing Hallowe'en Costume is until I've used it at least once.)

Surprisingly, no developments in the Consumer's Christmas Countdown in the four weeks since I was last in the city centre.

Fred Bronson confirms that her work with Britney Spears marks the first time Madonna has shared credit with anyone in her twenty year career.

Angelina Jolie's Nipples Vic's bitch is complaining about her breasts again after earlier moaning that her nipples had been airbrushed out of the poster for the latest Lara Croft film. This time around she blames the films failure on the re-touching: "They just should have left the posters as nature intended. They airbrushed my boobs right out and that’s what got all the attention, not the storyline." Er, are you quite sure about that: most critics pointed out that there was no storyline, but plenty of opportunity to gaze down Ms Jolie's ample cleavage, so the flick wasn't a total loss. [Via rainbow network]

The weather forecast for Birmingham shows some precipitation next week. On Tuesday, 11 to -1, showers. On Wednesday, 9 to -1, rain and snow. Snow. In October. What the hell is going on with our weather? If this forecast is accurate, it'll be the earliest I can remember that it's ever snowed, the previous record being November 18, 1994. And it'll be just 76 days after Birmingham recorded temperatures of 35 degrees in the shade.

I'm going to have to start noting the days when it's hotter outside than I am years old, because there won't be many more such days.

On the upside, didn't I do well... Thanks to Cheryl Tweedie and Alex Parks for this:

The chairman of Barclaycard speaks: "I don't borrow on credit cards because it is too expensive." The words "Ratner" spring to mind. We also hear how interest on the same debt on the same APR can vary by almost 40%; and how an application for a £10,000 line of credit went to Monty in Manchester, a pedigree dog. Credit cards are 25 per cent APR.

Suitably anonymised, here's something that dropped in...

Following our brief conversation earlier on today, please find detailed below
what Company S can offer your company.

Company S is in the process of deploying 750 internet access zones throughout
the UK by December 2004. Our associated companies include Chipmaker A, Telco B
and Neverheardof. We currently have over 2500 sites across the globe.

The principal of WiFi is such that, it allows wireless internet access to your
guests for a fee. This fee is determined by the length of time the guest wishes
to access the 'NET', eg £5 for 24 hours, or £25 for monthly unlimited access.
Please note this fee is payable by your guests, the end user.

The cost to the site owner is for provision of a suitable broadband connection
into the site. Due to the volume of new connections that we have generated for
Telco R, Company S has been able to negotiate a very competitive package for
installation and line rental.

There is no setup or management costs for the actual basic wireless access
points which converts the broadband signal into a wireless signal.

Thus, to make, say the lobby area of a hotel into a wireless zone, allowing
seamless connectivity for your patrons on to the internet, the cost would be for
the actual line rental only, if installed and billed by ourselves. In return for
the placement of the 'black box', the site owner would generate 30% of all
generated revenue from 'pay-as-you-go' plans, as well as all monthly
subscriptions. Monthly subscriptions generate 30% commission to the site owner
at which the contract was activated, for the life of that contract; regardless
of wether or not the actual guest returns to that site.

All our sites have a site specific ID number, so that we can monitor all traffic
through that site, and issue payments appropriately. Each month we generate and
dispatch a full breakdown of all charges collected.

Our company takes care of all billing, authentication, credit card fees,
customer support and marketing material.

Once installed, we provide customer information cards as well as a '0871' call
centre number which can deal with all problems or queries. We have created a
totally 'no hassle' package, which removes the need for your personnel to have
to answer or deal with WIFI issues, by making the system very easy to use, and
having the appropriate back up to deal with any issues that may arise.

With hotel groups such as Chain E, Chain F and Chain G already beginning to
install such sites through their respective networks of hotels, this is a real
opportunity to be a part of this new technology, which is already a common place
in the US, approx 75% of all hotels are WIFI, and Asia also.

Please feel free to have a look at our website on www.canovawireless.com and see
how we could make your business WiFi compatible.

We have recently gone LIVE at Location Y.

Summary:

We are able to provide you with a solution which will give connectivity into all
areas of your hotel and conference facilities, allowing revenue generation as
well as a key service to your client base. In most cases the installation of
this additional service will involve no capital investment on your part, simply
to provide the incoming broadband. We are more than happy to provide broadband
into sites, but this would reflect in the revenue paid back to the site. You may
ask if we had any ties to ISP, we have none, and can work with any provider, all
that our engineers require are the relevant ADSL or equivalent settings. We can
brand the system as your group product, or otherwise, again for no cost to your
organisation. We will not be beaten on product or package. We are able to cater
for all connectivity issues, fixed and wireless, as well as external antennae
etc if the need arises. For simple basic installation there is no charge for the
hardware required.

I look forward to hearing from you

It's got to be personal. Not content with running the most anti-gay service anywhere in the country, Rupert Murdoch doesn't want the BBC to show his programmes. His Lack-Of-News Corporation (NYSE: LIES) told A Demi Grauniad that it's considering taking Auntie to the courts to stop her showing The Simpsons, 17, and Buffy in an unencrypted satellite feed. Peter Chemin, Muckdoch's sock puppet, said "We don't believe the BBC has the right to provide an unencrypted signal with our programming." This spat has nothing at all to do with the BBC withdrawing from its encryption deal with Lack-Of-News Corp's domestic satellite arm British Sky Broadcasting (LON: CRAP)

The answer is simple: the BBC tells Last Century F*x (but only if they're straight) to honour its agreements, then it can f*x off with it f*xin' rubbish programming. Personally, I've not watched any of Muchdoch's rubbish channels since it came out as a bunch of raving, shit-scared, puny-minded straights at the end of July, and I've not found any reason to change that practice.

One last take on Radio 1's deficiencies - I cite Ani diFranco as a musician who is incredibly popular among a section of the 15-24 demographic, and generally ignored by society at large. She's also inspired someone who received at least 1.5 million phone and SMS votes from the people Radio 1 attracts to win Star Academy. While Radio 1 played too little attention to dance and urban music in the late 80s and early 90s, I think it's gone too far the other way, and is spending too much of its resources in one small area of the market.

We have spam.

FROM ELGODOSWEEP STAKE  LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
INTERNET ;elgodosweepstake@elgodosweepstake.com

Clever, already. We all know about the Spanish annual draw, El Gourdo, and not everyone knows a) that it happens at Christmas or b) how to spell it. Onwards!

NETHERLAND. TEL:+31-630-304-205
Ref. Numbe: [deleted]
Batch Number: [deleted]
Sir/Madam
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners
International programs held on the 11th of October, 2003. Your e-mail
address attached to ticket number [deleted] with serial number
[deleted] drew lucky numbers [deleted] which consequently won in the
2ND category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of
1000,000,000 (EUROS ) (ONEMILLION EUROS)

Er, hang on one cotton pickin' moment, that's 10⁹ Euro, a full milliard of 'em. They're tryin' to diddle me out of 99.9% of my winnings! Call the cops! Call Nicky Campbell!

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning
information confidential until your claims has been processed and your
money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid
double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some
participants.
This lottery was promoted and sponsored by eminent personalities like mr
Bill Gates and the Sultan of Brunei, we hope with part of your winning
you will take part in our next year USD50 million.

50 million US dollars. That's (whips out calculator) about 0.3% of the amount promised earlier. Chump change.

you are requested to come personally to file in your winning, however if
you cannot  make it to AMSTERDAM , please contact below approved private
lawyer or attorney by telephone to help you with the claim and transfer
of your winnings fund into your  instructed  account.

Excellent. Whereabouts in the great city should I come? It's only a few hours away by plane, I can get a Fly Cheap plane over tomorrow for GBP 15, leaving about EUR 999,999,980 of my winnings.

ADVOCATE RUUD VAN DIJK AND ASSOCIATES NETHERLAND
Reply Email: ruudvandijk02@netscape.net

Can't afford a proper .nl address? Ah, c'mon chaps. If you're dishing out milliards of Euro in prizes, you must have a few cents to rub together to rent a genuine ISP account. No? Oh, go rob a few supermarket trollies and nick the Euro coins out of the deposit slots.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being
part of our promotional program.
Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.

Based on which? As this lottery is regulated under Dutch law, it's open to anyone 16 or over.

Sincerely yours,
EDGAR VAN SMITH.
E-mail:vansmith008@netscape.net
Lottery Coordinator

Is there some variant of the Nigerian scam involving the Netherlands? And have they forgotten about the EU's anti-spam laws? If they're quoting a Dutch phone number, they must have a presence in the Netherlands, allowing their victims to collect -- when the directive comes into force next year.

Nicky Campbell, the resident ego on Radio Five, claims he's the son of an IRA man. Campbell, adopted early in life, says he has been researching his family tree for his autobiography. His birth mother says the claim is "terrible and untrue." She says his father was a policeman in Ireland. His family are Protestants.

On tomorrow's breakfast show, Mr Campbell will be interviewing Gerry Adams, a Belfast traffic cop; Karol Wojita, leader of the Anglican church; and a six-foot high pink elephant scaling the wall of the traffic studio.

From the mad to the sad. As ever, reporting the allegation, but not who it's about...

The leader of a marginal political party has been accused of taking large amounts of money from the taxpayer, under the guise of having his wife work for him from home. The figure mentioned is of the order of GBP 18,000 (EUR 25,000) and the party has confirmed that Mrs Leaderswife was drawing a salary from Mr Leader's parliamentary allowance. The leader claims that she dealt with his diary and handled correspondence, but no one in his team could find any letters. A high-up in the party has publicly told the leader that he's cheating.

The leader has threatened legal action against anyone publishing the allegations against him. Ahem.