In the Star Academy Star Bar Drinking Game this week, eight fingers makes one unit of alcohol (half pint of beer or cider, glass of wine.) There's a maximum of one glass for each contestant. Any Pap Panel criticism from David Grant counts double, and if Dogsby is slow-handclapped at any point, that's a full glass at once.

During the week, Alex and Carolynne were reprimanded for talking in Cornish. The imbeciles running the show interpret the living, breathing language as "a code", and allege that this is against the show's surveillance rules, even though they can't point to any specific rule other than covering microphones. As a protest, the comments of the Pap Panel will be translated from the original language (Bee Gee, Soul, Pinkhair or Bullshit) into French and then back into English for posting here. Apologies if the Pap Panel makes more sense than usual this week.

We're down to the last six, three will be picked by the public tonight. As far as I'm concerned, those three (and any others who win the public vote in the coming weeks) will be the contest winners amongst the voting demographic.

Carolynne: True Colours - Cyndi Lauper. Drink the width of one finger if she's wearing a long dress, two fingers for anyone invoking Eva Cassidy.
Not sure about the outfit, black cowboy boots, black leggings, a black suit jacket, and (yes) a black hat. Even less sure about the arrangement, a reggae-lite mix that just sounds wrong. It's a good vocal performance, gets better towards the end, but I'm not quite convinced.
Dogsby: Struggling early, better later. (Kielty makes him sound more positive than he was.) Betcha: The package is coming together. Robin: Great voice control. David: She wouldn't have done that six weeks ago.
They're more positive than I. Drinking game: 0.

Paris: If You Don't Know Me By Now - Harold Melvin & the Bluenotes. One finger for a comparison to Mick Hucknall, three fingers for the first person to intimate it's a Simply Red original.
The arrangement is the Melvin original, the vocals sound like Mariah Carey turned down an octave or two. Far, far too much warbling. This is an ice-storm of a song, it has to be sung without introducing vibrato, to get out the emotion. The falsetto bit is where it becomes ridiculous. At least thirty iconic hand gestures. Here's mine: go.
Betcha: You had to pull it off, and you did. (What is she wibbling about? That was dire.) Dogsby: That was all over the place, too many highs and lows. David: Did a classic soul song in a modern style. (One invocation of Hucknall) Robin: Better than last week.
After the comments, the panel's "discussion" degenerates into a slanging match, where David tells Dogsby that he's completely wrong. Make no mistake, that original performance was just wrong. If there's justice, if the Grants will actually listen, it's over. Drinking game: 2.

Coverage of Peter, Alex, and Carolynne at some television awards. "I wouldn't buy Paris" - Melinda Messenger, even though he's a mere £1.63 on ver Daq. "She's a star already" - some woman who isn't a star, pointing at Alex. Then there's a photoshoot, and a performance at Covent Garden.

Alistair: It Must Be Love - Madness. One finger for any criticism of the choice of song, double if it's from Dogsby, three fingers if he and David get into a row (and the joker doesn't apply to this element.)
During the clips, he moans about not getting out, or going on the BBC3 Nightly show until day 37. He's right, that really is far too late.
Black (velvet?) suit, white shirt, black tie. Basic acoustic backing. It's not Suggs' version, more mellow, more calm, none of the spikiness we've come to expect. The man is clearly turning into a lounge lizard, and he's thoroughly convincing about it. Including some new lyrics, stamping himself on a song without stamping all over it. A Huge Success.
David: Still no stage presence, lacking that star quality. Dogsby: A little too cabaret, too thin a voice. Betcha: Great personality, great songwriter, she's cut off by Dogsby. Robin: The voice is there, and there's nothing wrong with the cabaret.
Dogsby heckles Robin to "get off the bench." Mr Gibb was right midfield in the FA XI this week, and Dogsby was relegated to the bench after a farcical cock-up. That was better than the Pap Panel's giving credit, certainly better than Paris. Dogsby and David did get into one heck of a row, so the drinking game is up to 5.

Peter: In My Place - Coldplay. One finger if he jumps about the stage, two fingers if they suggest he was drunk during the week, three fingers for a comparison with Alex's Coldplay number some weeks back.
"How many people do you have a memory of snogging?" "One." Well, it looks like Peter's going to be a free agent... any... moment.. now. And were his exploits really completely ignored by the tabs, resulting in a Daq Divi of 0p??
Long-sleeved grey shirt, with some sort of ruffles. Hanging on to the mike stand for dear life, and singing with his head at a bizarre old angle. There's power in that vocal, even if it's not technically in tune, and he's not using the words the captioners were expecting... Yeah, that's good.
Betcha: That was fantastic. Dogsby: A serious improvement. Vote for him. Robin: Superb. David: It's taken nine weeks, we've got there.
No jumping around, there was reference to his drunken exploits without mentioning the drunkenness. The drinking game's up to 7.

James: Good Enough - Dodgy. One finger for each person making an unjustified criticism, two fingers for everyone saying he's a pub singer.
Army surplus jacket, white vest, jeans. The rendition is faithful to the original, and sadly the vocal isn't much better. It is intelligible, and does convey the light-hearted wide-eyed optimism of the song, so it works better than Paris. To pre-empt the puns, this won't be good enough.
Robin: Not the performance we were looking for. Dogsby: Giving everything isn't going to win. (That's an ad hominem attack) David: He's outside of his natural environment and should be fronting a band. Betcha: Oversung, overperformed, gave too much.
Unjustified crits from Dogsby and Betcha, so the drinking game's up to a very sober 9 fingers.

Alex: Heart of Glass - Blondie. Two fingers for each googlie eyes moment, one finger for any Pap Panellist booed by the crowd.
Red jacket, striped top, spikey hair. She's angry. She's got a shite song. Blimmin' 'ell, is this meant to be a sex song? Have I been going around for [harrumph] years just hearing a dull disco tread? Apparently so. Cold shower, I think.
Dogsby: Can't decide whether that was very good or very poor. Betcha: The best she could do with a song she hates. (Then why in sodomy did she get that track?) David: Good but not brilliant. Robin: Liked it.
Alex did the best she could, and that so suggests the song wasn't one she wanted to do, but was imposed by Universal the powers that might be. Three googlie eyes, so the drinking game finishes at 15 fingers. Ah, go on, make it a pint.

Good: Alistair, Peter, Alex.
Bad: Paris, James.
Indifferent: Carolynne.

They're off to talk and play with Daniel B'dingfield, a man who has been marketed beyond the talent shown. The results show doesn't start until 2305 at the earliest, so look for the follow-up tomorrow.

Stuff I've seen this week: the "patriotic" remote control with a twist ... well, that's about it, I've been laughing so hard.

The Star Academy results show was so clearly taped. No "Live from the Academy" intro, and the streaming feed stopped with the six going into the studio about 2100.

After a decent enough performance from Alistair, it's time for the results. The top three, who are Winners, Already: Alex, to the surprise of no-one, and keeping up her 100% record; Alistair, proving that his victory in the CBBC poll was no fluke, he's genuinely popular; and James. Yes, James, the man with no discernable talent has come through the public vote, and that's one in the eye for Dogsby. If he makes the final three, it would be so entertaining to back him for the win... we'd pay the price later, though.

Anyway, that leaves Peter, Carolynne, and Paris to face the Pap Panel. Had they been operating the regulation Three On Probation rule, all three could well have been safe four days ago. Universal's been stung by the Grate British Public. Thanks, everyone.

The Pap Panel goes for Peter, though Dogsby is obviously unhappy that he's in that situation. Count two in the eye. The remaining contestants go unanimously for Carolynne to stay, so Paris is gone gone gone! Three in the eye for Dogsby, and a veiled threat from Kielty: "You've not heard the last of him." Given the Grate British Public's preference for attractive presentation surrounding vacuuous pap, rather than something actually entertaining, he's probably right.

Tunes for Saturday's Star Academy show:

Alex: Heart of Glass - best known by Blondie. This is not Alex. This is so not Alex. She'll walk it.
Paris: If You Don't Know Me By Now - Harold Melvin & the Bluenotes. Gratuitous falsetto and comparisons with Mick "Mick" Hucknall.
Alistair: It Must Be Love - Madness. They so don't want him to progress, but why make it so obvious?
Carolynne: True Colours - Eva Cassidy. Interesting...
Peter: In My Place - Coldplay. Very interesting, and an obvious comparison with Alex from a few weeks ago.
James: Good Enough - Dodgy. It won't be.

Provisional entries for the re-activated drinking game: Alex's googly-eyed stares; Paris falsetto and Mick; Alistair criticising the song; Caro in a dress; Peter jumping on the stage; James attracts puns. I think the joker's going to be on David.

Great ways to lure in new customers. 1) The US music industry cartel, the RIAA, has filed lawsuits against 261 people offering large numbers of tunes on software-sharing networks. Efforts to file similar suits in the EU may be stymied by an unusual defence: that the major companies are acting as an illegal cartel and keeping the price of CDs unnaturally high, and hence encouraging this sort of action. Similarly, the US defence may rest on the unconstitutionally long period (95 years and extensible) under which the companies will claim copyright.

Elsewhere, one of those bonkers Mercury Prize awards, to go alongside the M People in 1994, and Gomez in 1998. Most winners of the Merc - Primal Scream, Suede, Portishead, Pulp, Roni Size, Talvin Singh, Badly Drawn Boy, PJ Harvey, and (er) whoever it was that won last year - have either gone on to make great albums, or capped superb careers. Those two, and last night's winner Dizzy Rascal, were and are one-trick ponies. Still, three failures in twelve years is a good enough strike rate.

Speaking of the Merc, where was the semi-obligatory STAR ACADEMY representative? Surely the most prestigious prize in British music would be a natural fit with the show's ethos, as well as granting the show a plug on BBC4. Instead, Carolynne and Peter (surely headed for 3rd and 4th places) turned up at the uber-tabloid TV QUICK awards, a popularity poll for shows on the box. It's a long way from the SA's focus on songwriting and hard graft, and was televised on the opposition ITV. Not even Endemol's latest C4 show, THE GAMES, was graced by someone from Witanhurst.

Over in the US, some moron turned up in the early hours of Monday morning and said (in précis): "Iraq is now the central front in the global war against absolute evil, but it's not so important that we have to roll back any of my tax cuts, send more US troops to Iraq or do anything else that might make swing voters slightly less likely to vote for me next year." Mr Bush Jr has been to no soldier funerals in spite of claiming to be their commander in chief.

Incidentally, this waffle played opposite That's My Bush: The Movie

Star Academy 2, show ten. Postponed from last night because of the football. Slightly shorter shrift than usual because I'm fighting off a bit of a cold. More jeers than cheers for the Pap Panel this week. One of these days, Dogsby is going to be slow hand-clapped off stage.

Who's this? Oh, it's James, I'd completely forgotten he was still amongst us. He's performing murdering All Day And All Of The Night. Whether it's the Kinks or the Stranglers version you remember, this is tedium in a handbasket. Bloke in a vest, strumming his geetaw, and (er) that's it.
David - in a suit and tie! - says he wasn't bland, which is absolutely true. Betcha, in a dressing gown, isn't convinced. Robin reckons there's more to see, and Dogsby - wearing a leather jacket - is drowned out by a chorus of boos. Shame, we can't hear how wrong he is tonight. Now shut up and let us get to the quality acts.

Next, it's Barry, whose argument with Betcha last week saved him. Tonight: Feel, the song associated with Bert Bills. Low bar to jump, but he still manages to hit bum notes and conveys even less emotion than Bobby. When are the Russian lesbians on?
Dogsby reckons Barry was frozen on stage, which is complete rubbish. Betcha actually liked the restrained style, and said "That had some feel in it." Duuu-uh! Robin heard Barry singing a Bills song, as opposed to Massachussets a couple of weeks back. David is hearing a manufactured artist, which explains why he did the whole Robbie thing.

Alex is up third, performing I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. The definitive rendition is not U2's, but The Chimes'. Tonight's arrangement owes more to U2, and it's rather Alex-by-numbers, with our singer standing rooted to the mike stand, belting out the words. Even on reduced power, this is far and away above the first two.
Dogsby didn't like the song, which begs the question - why did he, personally, approve it? The head teacher is responsible for everything that goes on, so if it was the wrong song, it's his fault. Robin saw the quality, and Dogsby dislikes him getting the point across. Betcha reckons Alex got the point across, and she did, far better than Bono ever did. David heard great vocals and moderate emotions, and that's about right.

Alistair is taking on the Isley Brothers' classic This Old Heart Of Mine, and it's effortless entertainment. Perhaps not as good as the original, but it's a vehicle for Ali to get across his emotions and display his strong vocal skills.
Betcha was not impressed, she prefers the ballads. Mad woman. David evokes the memory of Leo Sayer, and I do wish he didn't. Robin reckons this isn't going to be the sort of thing he's doing anyway, and Dogsby reckons that wasn't up to scratch. As ever, Dogsby is wronger than something very wrong indeed.

Carolynne's performance is Little Lies, the old Fleetwood Mac number, and she's performing all three parts of the vocal harmony herself. This isn't a song for a solo singer, but Caro does her level best, and makes a very good fist of a rubbish job. Vocally, she's as good as Stevie Nicks, though lacks a lot of the emotion.
Dogsby reckons it's her best so far - sadly, Dogsby is always wrong. Betcha found the odd out-of-tune moment, but she nailed it. David heard the best vocal of the night, correct, and Robin's happy.

Peter has been thrown a modern classic softball, You And Me Song from the Wannadies. This'll be good. Strange antics with the mike during the soft part, then (gasp!) proper singing at the start of the chorus. A two-against-the-world song like this doesn't need subtlety, it needs bravado and an indomitable spirit. Peter's got that tonight.
Betcha says, yes, he sang, spot on within his genre. Go Betcha. Robin agrees. David agrees. Dogsby, of course, is wrong, deeming last week's performance average.

Paris is going to screech his way through Extreme's More Than Words. Oh dear. James should have done this one. Alex should have done this one. Jemini should have done this one, because Paris is woefully flat during the chorus, and slightly out of key elsewhere. His trademark falsetto is shoe-horned in for no adequately explored reason, other than because he can do it. Newsflash: he can't do it.
Dogsby found it all over the place, rock and soul meeting in the middle of nothingness. Betcha finds much of the problem to do with the song, again begging the question of why Dogsby signed it off, but has the seeds of hope. Robin also reckons the song doesn't do justice, but David finds soul and finesse in there. Have he and Dogsby swapped scripts?

A strange old week, Ali, Peter and perhaps Carolynne show they're on a par with Alex, but James, Barry, and Paris are in trouble. Results show begins at 2040.

Dogsby Is Always Wrong. This is a scientific fact. So is this. Ecstacy doesn't damage your brain. They thought they were conducting scientific research on Ecstacy, but actually they were conducting scientific research on amphetamines. Speed. Not ecstacy. The whole cockup arose because the people doing the labelling couldn't sort their Es and their whizz. This, my friends, is what happens when you let Dogsby carry out extensive scientific research.

Meanwhile, Dogsby's idiot cousin, George "W" Bush, will address the occupied United States tomorrow morning and claim that he has a sensible exit strategy for Iraq. With their sons and daughters dying daily in guerrilla attacks, United Stations are becoming more frightened of being bogged down in a hostile country than of the terrorist threat against which Bush claims to defend them. With the French and Germans playing hardball, they'll squeeze more out of the occupying forces, possibly including sending independent international inspectors to ensure that next November's elections are free and fair.

So, the results service. Top four in the public vote were some permutation of... Carolynne ... Alistair ... Alex ... and Peter. You read it here first, two hours before it's announced on BBC1. Ha!

The teachers are going to go for Paris, he's the brightest hope for Universal records. David breaks ranks and votes for James, everyone else goes for the Universal-favoured line and backs Paris.

The student vote is going to evict James, as he's such a bighead. Who's staying? My hot streak of bets ends here, it's 4-1 to James, only Paris breaking ranks.

James will go next week, of that I'm sure.