The local elections. Who won? Who lost? Who's up? Who's down? In terms of seats and numbers, check the BBC results ticker. In terms of parties, allow me to present Weaver's Hierachy of Internal Parties. We all know which side is #1, but have the Scottish Socialists beaten the Greens? Does Sinn Fein count for more than Health Concern, and whither the media darlings? The 30 most important parties and political groupings enumerated, ordered, and noted in the WHIP.

The BLAIR has now been retired from homepage duty: unless it returns, figure that it's somewhere around 94%. I can't rule out the prospect that Mr Blair will be brought before the courts for his war crimes, but it's looking increasingly unlikely that will happen during 2003.

Mr Blair today says that he's ready to meet his maker, and that will be the final judgement. In a visual statement, God quietly tapped #7 on his top ten list, then returned to watching Takeshi's Castle.

Wow to Mr Kenneth Doherty, a rather good snooker player. One has to be good to make the last four at the World Championship. Sadly, the champion from six years ago was 11-5 and 15-9 down, but won eight of the last nine frames to clinch the best-of-33 semi 17-16. The last three frames were masterpieces of tactical snooker. Doherty will meet Mr Mark Williams in the final.

Cripes, that God Bless The USA track really is a piece of shite, isn't it. That said, it's not *quite* as bad as the banana republic's mess of a national anthem; it can only be sung successfully by a well-trained baritone. In fairness, the official UK anthem is also complete trash, and could safely be replaced by Jerusalem.

"He didn't fly planes in Vietnam. He spent the war flying circles over Texas." - Matt Frei, BBC News, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. It's worth noting that Mr Frei's live coverage was only seen on BBC World and BBC News 24 - BBC1's domestic channel, which usually simulcasts N24 at that unearthly time of night, was covering the election results and saw no point to break for a glorified photo-op.

"BBC Radio 4. This is me. Brian Perkins. Reports coming in indicate that the world will end in three and a half minutes. Not for me, it won't. I told that god bloke we'd last until the end of the shipping forecast, and we shall. And now, Sailing By..."

It may be from a christian perspective, but there's something highly appropriate about how to heal. Ignore the detail, work out the guiding principles, as someone once said. And happy Beltane

Which may or may not link into Buffy popup, season 7, epi 16.

And still on a Falcon trip, watching the clouds over lunchtime, slowly gathering before a small rain storm. Is that a small dinosaur playing catch with a football? Will he be a nice snack for the dragon, slowly chasing him across the sky. Is that pig wearing glasses, or just staring hard at us? What is the significance of the maps of Scandinavia and New Zealand, and why is a coffee pot the last thing seen before the sky darkens and the rain begins to fall? Such sweet cloudy mysteries.

The US has finally announced its much-vaunted roadmap to peace in the Levant. Danish researchers find that mice leave twigs and seeds on the ground to find their way home. There must be some sort of link between these two facts.

Vermin Trains has announced a daft idea. In order to ease overcrowding on the line between Coventry and Birmingham, they're proposing to stop people from boarding some rush hour trains at Coventry and Birmingham Airport. But there's a catch...

Scene: Platform 4, Coventry station, May 2003.

Passenger A: "Hello, is this the Manchester train?"
Guard: "Yes. This is the service to Manchester."
Passenger A: "Thanks" (goes to open a door)
Guard: "Erm, excuse me, do you have a Club Class ticket?"
Passenger A: "Err, no I don't"
Guard: "Well in that case, I'm afraid I cannot let you board this train"
Passenger A: "But it *does* go to Manchester, doesn't it?"
Guard: "Yes, but you cannot board this train"
Passenger A: "So how am I going to get to Manchester?"
Guard: "The next train from this platform after this train departs is the 17:08 Central Trains service to Wolverhampton. Catch that one, and change at Birmingham New Street"
Passenger A: "And then I'll be able to catch your Manchester train from there?"
Guard: "Blimey, no! It will be long gone by the time the local train finally makes it into Birmingham. But there should be another Manchester train an hour later"

Passenger B: "Hello, is this the train to Birmingham International?"
Guard: "Do you have a Club Class ticket?"
Passenger B: "Yes"
Guard: "Hop on, Sir, we'll be leaving in a minute."

On the upside, Chiltern Railways will not be suffering any engineering work over the summer. From Moor Street to the incredibly civilised Marylebone station in less than 2h20. Departs at 13 minutes past the hour, back from Marylebone at 40 after. Extra services Saturday mornings and early Sunday evenings. Or change at Banbury.

The Red Cross has inserted a peel-off-and-throw-away card into this week's Rusty Old Radio Times, entitled "What To Do When An Emergency Strikes." The card is not very good, as it doesn't have "Don't Panic" in large, friendly letters on the front cover.

War criminals declare war over, but remain criminals.

The NFT on New York's new anti-smoking laws...

Bar owners said the ban forces them to break the cardinal rule of running a drinking establishment, which is to stay neutral. In general, that means agreeing that the Mets are good, and so are the Yankees, except when they are not, that love is the most beautiful thing in the world, that Denver is a nice place to visit, and that there certainly ought to be a law, though perhaps not this one.

Don't think I don't read my logs. Don't think that my bandwidth isn't mine to do with as I wish. Don't think that next time, I'll substitute a different file. Three cheers for fair play.

Watching the first in the new series of MINOR CELEBRITY BICKERING & TORTURE last night, and what struck me: just how quickly Antan Dec's hair is receding. Is it really ten years since they were Top Singing Sensation Byker Groove? It is, ya know...

SARS is a plot by Michael Jackson to convince the world he was right about the face mask thing.

In order to provide the highest levels of customer service, [Company X] request your permission to send you Email regarding special offers, promotions, notifications and news about our products and services.

Liars. Liars. Liars.

Gulbuddin Hekmatyar is no stranger to those who take a regular update from BBC World, or the BBC World Service. For the rest of you, he was the Afghan prime minister early in the Taliban error, and is now waging a guerilla war against the occupying US force. Now, he reckons that the recent war in the Persian Gulf will breedthousands of Osama bin Ladens. Good work, everybody.

Web Magazine Turns Profit!
Web magazine Slate took in more income than it spent during the first three months of 2003. Readership doubled to six million a month during that period. Those of us who have been reading Slate since the early days will remember one thing, and one thing alone - it was better in the 90s.

Kansas City Royals Head League!
At 18-5, the Royals are not only the best side in a decent AL Central, but are ahead of the behemoth New York Yankees and Oakland Athletics. Yes, the Royals have played (and won) six games against the Detroit Tigers, a side that couldn't hit a barn door at three paces, but one cannot argue with facts.

Al Jazeera -- Objective And Balanced!
Or so they claim.

Cincinniti Bungles Fan Sues Team!
County commissioner Todd Portune wants taxpayers' money back. He accuses Top Bungle Mike Brown of creating a team that is even worse than the Detroit Tigers, has no chance of making the play-offs, ever, and is a wholesale embarrassment to the city.

Creed Fans Sue Band!
After being "unable to perform a single song owing to drink and/or drugs" at their Chicago show last December, three fans of the Florida bore-monsters are suing the pants off of Creed. "I was humiliated, annoyed, sickened, saddened, and thoroughly pissed off," said one man, ashamed that he ever thought it big and/or clever to go see the most crushingly dull band in Christendom. Selling exclusively to an audience of southern baptists and other quasi-religious freaks, Creed have fewer hits in the UK than the Tweenies.

"Turn Up The Heat, I'm Chilly," Says Devil
Notorious nasty Mr B. L. Z. Bubb of Hell, California, is worried that his power bill is going through the roof. "At this time of year, I'd usually be roasting minions on the open fire, but not this time." Instead of the hot hot flames of Hell, Mr Bubb is putting on his thermal long johns, and looking for a new woollen hat: "My horns keep going through them," says the bringer of all evil. Mr Bubb, 666, reckons the recent cold snap in Hell "must be global warming. It's got to be, hasn't it."

...and xSaBx created Ten Immutable Rules of 17 #3 is obvious, #6 and #7 could perhaps be combined, but #9 cannot be said too often.

WARNING! The link above contains spoilers up to hour 10 (5-6p) of season 2. BBC viewers, you're OK. Overseas viewers, proceed with caution, and don't say you weren't warned!

Thursday Next link of the day: Whatever Next, including an interview with Mr FForde. You know you'll like it, Vic, even if it does go downhill rapidly after page seven.

Muahahahaha. According to today's Washington Post, the Republican party candidate (expected to be Mr G Bush, a drunkard from Connecticut) may be a write-in candidate on some state ballots in next year's election. The Republican junta is holding an unusually late nominating convention, and the candidate will not be accepting the nomination until after the close of nominations in Alabama, California, DC, and West Virginia.