1. What was the last TV show you watched?
This Friday Five is being compiled while last week's This American Life plays on my television. Last show I *properly* watched was last night's Have I Got News For You, in which Martin Clunes proved that he's no Angus Deayton.

2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem?
The bloke who sat next to me on the flight back from Detroit. Never trust anyone who flies whilst wearing a tie.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?
Whoever was the last person who called me at work: anyone who calls on a Friday afternoon gets compliments for free.

4. What was the last thing you threw away?
A plastic bag that has a large tear down the side.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?
Het Grauniad.

"When I write a political column for the Chicago Sun-Times, when liberals disagree with me, they send in long, logical e-mails explaining all my errors. I hardly ever get well-reasoned articles from the right. People just tell me to shut up. That's the message: 'Shut up. Don't write anymore about this. Who do you think you are?'" - Roger Ebert

Thursday Next link of the day. The Gravitube. From London to Sydney in less time than it takes to go from London to Brighton.

In LA, a stunning court victory to file transfer services. The record and motion picture cartel case against Streamcast Networks and Grokster has been substantially thrown out as the trash it plainly is.

Stephen Wilson ruled Friday that Streamcast - parent of the Morpheus software - and Grokster were not liable for any copyright infringements that might take place by people using their software. The ruling does not directly affect Kazaa, software distributed by Sharman Networks, which has also been targeted by the entertainment industry, but is surely going to be used as precedent.

"Defendants distribute and support software, the users of which can and do choose to employ it for both lawful and unlawful ends," Wilson wrote in his opinion. "Grokster and Streamcast are not significantly different from companies that sell home video recorders or copy machines, both of which can be and are used to infringe copyrights." [Boston Globe, via Politech]

Hey, isn't that Cory chick from FRIENDS last night better known as Mrs Riley Finn? And should she be discussing her previous crushes when it's so known that Mr Riley Finn would once again be a slayer layer at the drop of a shoe?

Buffy S6 will end on the BBC from May 8 - 29, then thanks to various amounts of sport, it looks like she'll be off the Globe until after the World Athletics Champs in the last week of August. S7 on Sept 4, then reruns of S3?

The fifth candidates in my ward, and the only ones not to have put up any flyboards along the main road, are revealed by the Brum website. The phrase "who the hell are the Socialist Alternative Party" springs to mind. Followed swiftly by "why the hell do they allow their domain to be hijacked by one of those adpopup sites that are a regal pain in the butt anyway."

A quick Groups search shows that it's Dave Nellist and his band of supporter(s). We would like to tell you what they stand for, but they don't seem to be at all keen to tell us. Encouraging, that.

Great company names of our time: the company behind the third generation mobile phones is Hutchinson Whampoa.

"Officials said only a small number of the detainees are members of al-Qaida. The rest have either been determined to be nobodies, rounded up in the chaotic aftermath of the war, or presumed to be nobodies whose state has not yet been determined." [NYT]

Slate magazine reports there was a minor, confirmed, uprising at the White House Thursday, in the Press Briefing room. One reporter, known as "David," asked spokesmoron Ari Fleischer whether the junta is still considering hitting France with "consequences" for its opposition to the war. Fleischer evaded the question three times, then...

Q: Why won't you answer the question about --

FLEISCHER: Greg.

Q: Hold on. We're entitled to follow up, Ari - this isn't homeroom.

FISCHER: Greg. Greg.

Q: Why won't you answer the question?

FISHFACE: Because David, there are other qualified reporters in here, too, who can follow-up.

Q: I didn't say they were not qualified, Ari. I'm saying you're running it like it's homeroom, like we can't follow-up when you're refusing to answer a question that's been posed to you, directly.

SHITFACE: Greg.

Q [Greg]: Do you want to elaborate on what those consequences would be?

SHITBAG: I addressed it earlier.

Q [David]: You didn't address it, which is the point. But you can't tolerate that kind of dissent.

Q [Greg]: On the home front...

Can you see an icon of a printer?
What does it look like?
A printer.

UK "defence" minister Geoffrey Hoon says that the United Nations might not be allowed to determine the lack of weapons of mass disruption in Iraq. Worried that the UN will spoil his party with such bizarre ideas as "facts" and "accuracy," Mr Hoon suggests an "independent" body handpicked by the UK and the US junta.

Quizzed about the lack of CBNs during the recent Gulf War 3, Hoon claimed that Iraq did not have time to re-assemble the weapons. The most logical explanation - that the weapons did not exist at all - is missing from his words.

Holy Crap! Buffy popup, season 7, epi 15.

...in which we get famous. Back in September last year, I posted this little absurdity...

Back to Compare And Contrast. One is Dave MacPherson, the lead singer of British punk-rock band Inme, the other is Claire Danes in her signature role as Angela Chase...

...expecting a quiet titter from the audience. Seven months on, my referrer logs alert to an influx of people from the M2 message board who have now picked up the similarity. "yes they do look alike" says board poster Originalnutter. "i should have realised by the way he sings like a screeching girl" according to Tinybitch. "All the girls that go on and on about the lead singer from Inme have a thing for Claire Danes" claims Cosmos101. Heck, if you want to market your post-post-grunge band to the grunge generation, having your singer look like the grunge generation's poster child has to help.

Does this mean I'll be making the NME in the next few weeks? I do hope so.

Dear caller,
Could you please provide some information regarding the problems you're experiencing with your mouse, so that I can make suggestions directly related to your symptoms. Otherwise I shall just have to assume that you have lost your mouse balls, and give you the usual advice relating to the Twist Off and Pop Off methods, while warning about the danger of sudden discharges while handling mouse balls.

Listening to Lord Wogan this morning, and he suddenly starts playing Catherine Porter's Crazy. The hook line "I am crazy about you, and you are simply .. crazy" is more than a little familiar. That, I suggest, is because I've been listening to the song for the past three years or so. Yep, Crazy was originally one of Ms Porter's entries for the UK entry to the 2000 Eurovision Song Contest in Stockholm. For some unaccountable reason, the song was beaten by Nikki French's rubbish Don't Play That Song Again, which was beaten (in turn) by classics such as Once In A Lifetime, Solo, Fly On The Wings Of Love and the only foreign single to be released in the UK, My Star. By this metric, even the crap Millennium Of Love is better than Crazy, which is a complete load of cobblers.

Still, it does mean that old Eurovision entries do have a life yet. There's still a chance that all the decent songs noted above have a chance of becoming the real hits they deserve to be. Maybe we'll even see a release for 1997's Yodel In The Canyon Of Love, perhaps in a version by Tatu or Avril Lavigne.

From jae:
favorite love song:
drops of jupiter - train
favorite break-up song:
i don't mind at all - bourgeois tagg
favorite "struggling relationship" song:
there is a light that never goes out - the smiths
favorite TV theme song:
the simpsons - danny elfman
favorite song from a movie:
one night in bangkok - murray head
favorite oldies song:
california dreamin' - the mamas and the papas
song that makes you happy:
semi-charmed life - third eye blind
song that you hate:
any processed disco crap
favorite lyric:
let's not even go there
favorite song from The Simpsons:
the ballad of magellan (;
song that you listen to when you're depressed:
stars - dubstar
favorite funny song:
i bet you they won't play this song on the radio - monty python

So, that NICKED! documentary aired last night. It got a little bit silly towards the end, in the same way that FAWLTY TOWERS got a little bit silly towards the end of the episode. It's clear that the Ingrams and Mr Whittock are as guilty as they come, but the documentary left an increasingly sour taste in the mouth. It's a little unfair to offer 153 minutes of evidence for the prosecution and not give one second to the defence. And hasn't the whole NICKED! affair done more for MILLIONAIRE's ratings than anything since Judith Keppel?

Now, let's get Diana Ingram, Sherry Palmer, Lady Macbeth and Liz Bowes-Lyon in the same room for Who Wants To Be Dead Manipulative?

S Club 6 split - four years, three classic pop songs (Bring It All Back, Reach, Never Had A Dream Come True), half a dozen lesser lights, and one suspicious rollup. If the 6 split now, how long can be left in the tank for Westshite, whose career started within weeks of the 6?

Nobody watched BBC3's THE NEWS SHOW on March 28. Is anybody really surprised at this revelation? The bulletin airs at the bizarre old time of 1945, is fronted by a man with the perfect face for radio, and this low point came in the midst of the US attack on Iraq, which was given gavel-to-gavel coverage by half a dozen other news channels, and proper coverage on C4 at the same time.

What's this? A book review? Shome mishtake, shurely. Well, yes, but putting up the review is not the error. Young Nick's Head by Karen Hesse gets the spotlight thingie.

Whisper it softly, in ten days the UK (apart from Northern Ireland and London) gets to vote. Devolved elections in Scotland and Wales, rural district and city councils elsewhere. The Red Party has produced a flyer to entice us to vote for it. As PR, it's rubbish. Here are some lowlights:

"Last year you helped Labour win but, it was only by a handful of votes." Lose some points for comma misplacement. Lose far more points for daring to suggest you know how I voted; you know I voted, but over 2000 people in the ward voted Blue, and your guy came within a gnat's crotchet of losing.

"Not voting Labour this year - or not voting at all - is a vote for the Tories running [this ward] and the Tories running Birmingham." This is a load of fear-mongering balderdash; the Blues will only run the ward if they run the city; and if they run the city, they run the ward regardless of this ward's result.

"Crime is down ... by 27% since 1997." True for the city as a whole. Ward-by-ward statistics are not available.

"More for pensioners ... more teachers." Very well targetted leafletting then.

"Birmingham has some of the best schools in the country." It also has some of the worst schools in the country, and - more importantly - the city average is below the national average. You have a higher chance of being poorly educated in Birmingham than at a random place in the country.

"What are the Tories offering you? A 20% cut in spending on public services.
That's one in five police.
One in five nurses.
One in five teachers. All gone with the Tories." At the risk of repeating myself, this is a load of fear-mongering bullshit. Nurses, they would be funded out of central government taxation. School budgets, they would be ring-fenced and uncuttable by the city. Police force, that's completely independent of the city. The proposed reduction in the budget amounts to 20% over five years. Part of that is a lower contingency fund, part of that is the usual mythical Cost And Efficiency Savings, but part of it is removing genuinely useless tat, such as the Council's fortnightly propaganda sheet, expensively delivered through each and every door.

"The maths is simple. With Labour: more police. Under the Tories a 20% cut." Lose points for colon misuse, and for not recognising "mathematics" as plural. Lose far more points for repeating a complete load of poppycock.

In the event that the Blue Party, the Yellow Party, any of the Very Bright Red parties, or any other candidate posts their address through my door, I will give them the same treatment. This offer does not extend to one candidate, who will be terminated with extreme prejudice. He has the right to stand for election; I have the right to wish and act as though he were not.

Election address is copyright candidade Bedser, extracts are under the fair use doctrine of copyright law.

Way back when, I figured that the war would be over as soon as CNN started to air its regular World Sports programme. So, at 1040 this morning, put the gun away and pull up the croissants, World Sports is back. The big bad war is over.

The show may be over, but the questionning goes on. A US Government memo from March 26 says, in part:

Iraq's national museum is identified as a 'prime target for looters' and should be the second top priority for securing by coalition troops after the national bank [...] Looting of the museum could mean 'irreparable loss of cultural treasures of enormous importance to all humanity.

Meanwhile, what happened to the leader, apparently executed by the occupying forces a few days ago? Christ was a young man, a non-smoker, a moderate drinker and a spare eater, who was used to walking long distances. He may well have managed to survive his ordeal and to escape from the tomb. Those in the imperial capital who have taken a close interest in the case are convinced that he may even now be found in Syria, Persia or, possibly, North Korea. [Alan Watkins, Independent]

Not to spoil anyone's fun, but the episode of The Simpsons airing on FUXUK tonight is actually the 302nd. The Obs doesn't spoil anyone's fun, and gives 302 (within experimental error) reasons to love The Simpsons. Still, now that Homer Simpson has finished his assignment as Chief BBC Explaining Person with the US combatants in Doh, we can get on with the jokes.