According to press reports, the US has captured "80%" of Baghad airport. How does that work, exactly?

"Bing bong. Passengers for US Air should use check in counters 1-26, before passing through security. Passengers should note that their plane will have to take off and land in the first 8000 feet of the runway, otherwise it'll plough through the fence separating our bit from their bit, and we've already had to replace it twice today. A full selection of shops and services is available after the security checkpoint, but the only cash machines after security are on their side."

"Bong bong bing. Passengers for Iraqi Air should use check in counters 27-33, then enjoy a wide selection of coffee and coffee in the coffee lounge. They've got all the other facilities. Before your journey by vertical take off and landing jet, you won't need to pass through security, as the only metal detector thingies are on their side of the airport."

Dangerous drivers who kill will receive prison sentences of at least twelve to eighteen ... months. Not years. Months. That, apparently, is what passes for justice in this motor-obsessed society.

The US junta has scrapped a USD 150m (EUR 140m) campaign that equated drug use with funding for activities deemed terrorist. The body that conducted research showing the ads were ineffective has also been axed.

Robert Fisk on the lies and deceit put about by the British government. The theory that more British troops have been killed by American and other British troops than by any Iraqi military action has been officially termed "counterproductive" and "unhelpful". It has not yet been officially termed "wrong" or "inaccurate".

There are those who suggest that "24" is the number of times Kimberly Bauer gets kidnapped. Or that it's her IQ. Doubled. They're wrong, of course. That's "17.2"

The glitterbunny writes how she went to a concert and

our lady peace opened. loud. canadian. and we think we remember them from somewhere or something else. in fact, i may have seen them open years ago, if that's possible. don't really know.

Ah, OLP. All over Much(more)music back when Mr Glitterbunny was watching that channel on a regular basis. That's where you've heard of them. Or performing the Liberty High-approved track "Life". So-called or otherwise.

Elsewhere, guyminuslife writes

The 21st Century will see the end of American hegemony.

This presumes that some part of the 20th century saw American hegemony. Can't take that as read myself.

All liberal democracies stem from the universal franchise (established 1900-1930), which in turn stems from the principles of the French Revolution (1789), which in turn is influenced by the ideas put forward by Martin Luther (1535.)

Or look at it another way. The various human rights declarations (1950-70) follow the recognition of all humans as equal, which stems from the abolition of slavery (1830-90), which in turn stems from the colonial revolution (1773-6), which in turn stems from the religious repression in 1600s England, which in turn stems from Henry VIII's impotence (1545.)

If Henry VIII had been able to sire a boy, would we be waging war in the Persian Gulf right now? Who can say!

Decent, but not classic Buffy this week. No update next week, and 7:13 will, in the fullness of time, almost certainly be the last new episode of BUFFY I ever see. It looks to be a minor cracker.

This, I suggest, is the biggest story in the world today. The World Health Organisation warns against visiting Hong Kong and Kowloon, for fear of being infected with Severe Acute Respiritory Syndrome. The pneumonia-like disease may be airborne, or waterborne; it's not believed to be spread by reading infected websites. SARS has been clustered in China and Hong Kong, but there's also been a significant outbreak in Toronto.

ITV has decided not to air a drama about the relationship between Gordon Brown and Tony Blair. Part of the reason: Granada fears that Blair will be out of a job by the time the show airs in around nine months. In fairness, a larger part is the corporate position of Granada, seeking to merge with Carlton and create ITV England (Apart from Cumbria.)

Over at The Snow In The Summer 2, I've been making some poetry from random scraps of my Jolly Good Chums page. For instance:

mile for mile, it is more expensive to travel on the London Underground than it is to fly by Concorde.
It must be really hard to not be smart.

a cool Rocky Horror pin and postcards from The Breakfast Club
my plans for world domination are slowly coming to fruition!
I feel good when the numbers match up.

Penistone in West Yorkshire
a dreamy refrain, a little escape from my day.
Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't.

NONE OF THE ABOVE WAS A JOKE. THIS IS ALL COMPLETELY SERIOUS.

Getting a bit excited about my coming trip, and thinking about a few records. Long lines at airports. Worst I've experienced was security at Birmingham just after Christmas 01. They had exactly one metal detector gate thingy, and must have had four or five hundred people in various parts of the queue. Eventually, they had to make announcements asking people for flight X to go down the side passage, and someone checking cards to make sure no one was jumping the line. That that person could have been operating another metal detector clearly evaded their mind. Well over an hour in that one.

Newark passport control in June 01 was long, but there were extenuating circumstances. There had been a thunderstorm in the area, and my plane was one of about a dozen international flights landing in quick succession. Probably about 45 minutes to see an officer, then 90 seconds to go through the formalities. Other security lines in the US were never longer than about 10 minutes.

On a side note, US immigration officers at Newark and Atlanta were officious but pleasant, as was the one at St John's. The two I've had at Toronto were both surly grouches, not at all as welcoming as the rest of the country.

Worst baggage claim, by a mile, is back at Brum from Newark. A good half hour between coming off the plane and the first bags appearing, and no meaningful apology for the delay. Bag from Belgium last year was on in less time than it took me to get through Passports and visit the gents. When things go wrong at Brum, they *really* go wrong.

And a discussion on MHP-chat leads me to think about my perfect newspaper.

Domestically, I really like the concept behind the Independent. Seeing the news as it is, seeking out news stories of value and worth. Not reflecting the world through some narrow-minded value set, whether that's a political view (a la the Daily Hell) or just looking at ents and crime (a la the Tabloid and Pornographersrag.)

The problem with the Indie - it tends to be, well, dull. Staid. Not particularly interesting writing away from the comment pages. The same applies to Het Graun, except that their strong suit is the tabloid feature section, not the commentariat.

The North American model of seperate sections for national news, local news, sports, business, life, adverts, more adverts, etc, etc, works for them. Personally, I'd prefer everything to be in a few sections. Perhaps leave the adverts behind, but roll the rest into as few supplements as possible.

Size of newsprint? Large tabloid (each page slightly larger than A3) would be most convenient for use on a train or in an office; broadsheets (roughly A2) really need to be read at home or on a table.

A super-tab format limits the number of pages to around 144, otherwise the paper begins to lose its shape. That rules out the breadth and depth of coverage of the NY Times, but with some judicious editing, would allow the depth of the Indy.

So, my perfect paper:
Super-tab format, with a high-impact cover picture most days.
Commentary from the Independent.
Features from the Guardian.
Depth of the NY Times, though perhaps not as broad.
News written in a sober, intelligent, dispassionate, "here are the facts, editorial on the comment pages," way.

I think the best match I've found for that is the Fort Worth Star Telegram - it comes in a half dozen or so broadsheet sections, but everything else seems to be present and correct.

Worst? The NY Post, obviously.

Last year was a bit of a washout for April Fools' jokes. A very old woman had died on March 30, and the newspapers and broadcasting services were full of hagiographies to the deceased duffer. Come to think of it, could that count as a first rate April Fool in its own right..?

So, save up the jokes and pranks for 2003, we thought. Nothing could possibly stand in the way of some spoof news, a little light relief to liven up a rainy Tuesday morning. Nothing, that is, apart from the little matter of a conflict in the Persian Gulf.

We have to dig a little deeper to find this year's spoof story. Het Grauniad usually comes up with something appropriately surreal, this year rattling on about Blinky Palermo, an artist from Leipzig who worked in scraps of cloth and wood.

The Muck has a clearly spoof story that the Government plans to strip British citizenship from people it doesn't like: the gag relies on knowledge that the UK doesn't have citizens, it has subjects. In a complete lack of originality, the Torygraph has the same report. Anyone would think it was a serious proposal.

The Pornographersrag has a fairly tedious spoof about square peas, the Pornographerspicturebook some bull about a statue of David Beckham made out of wafers.

The Indescribablyboring's website fronts a piece about how the Finns celebrate their heritage as a Russian dominion. Sounds a little odd, but there are two clues pointing that this is a genuine article. One, the Finns come out as a charming bunch of people, and that certainly tallies with the Finns I know. (OK, I only know one Finn, but they were undeniably charming on that great barometer of European niceness, GOING FOR GOLD. Having a better grasp of English than the host helps the charm attack. But I digress.) And two, the dateline is last Sunday, so the article was printed in the Indescribablyboring on Sunday.

Anything blatantly rubbish elsewhere? Sainsbury gives £2.5 million to Labour. Profits down at MUN, only because of transfer dealings. Jury finally goes out in the NICKED! trial, and my thoughts on the latter will remain firmly sub capa. The winner at Woofts had plastic surgery - that last one featured on LENO overnight, so it must be true. NBC wouldn't allow anyone on air if they weren't completely confident of their honesty and professionalism. (In which case how do they explain FEAR FACTOR - er, I'll get back to you...)

Nope, I reckon this year's big April Fool's joke is Mr Tony Blair.

Speaking of Mr Toy Bair, the Indy's Andrew Grice talks openly about a revolt amongst Labour backbenchers. No statement on the talks with Mr Bish of the junta. Still no roadmap for Palestine. Open fears about the way the war isn't shaping to be the quick and clean thrust that they were promised before the telling vote two weeks ago.

Robin Cook wrote last weekend of how Cabinet colleagues told him that the war would be finished long before the council elections on May 1; and that Saddam Hussein would be overthrown by his associates. His comments gave the lie to the claims by ministers that they had never hoped for a short, sharp war. Another sign that they had done was Gordon Brown's decision to postpone his Budget until 9 April, from the expected 26 March or 2 April date; it was probably supposed to take place when the war was all over bar the shouting.

There's no change to the BLAIR just yet. It could fall yet further over the coming month.

"A cowboy on a jolly" "ignorant, untrained, trigger-happy" - harsh words for a US pilot combatant who shot a group of British combatants in Iraq. Especially when they come from one of the UK combatants. "There will be the occasional occasion when this happens," says a British spokesmajor.

It's taken ten days, but yesterday's Sunday Herald offers strong evidence that banned weapons of mass disruption are being used in the Persian Gulf region. The weapon of choice? Depleted uranium; those using them, the US and UK forces.

The poker of war. The Boston Globe explains the link between gambling, game theory and conflict.

Compare and contrast: El Salvador, the new single from fine British slack-rock band Athlete ... and Complicated, record-breaking debut release for pint-sized Canadian glitterfiend Scrappy Spice. It's the way the verse of one exactly imitates the verse of the other that does it for me.

Two off the BLAIR today. Friedland's column yesterday was bad, but not quite enough to change the index. Today, though, there's a withering attack from Will Hutton. Hutton was intimate with the Blair-Brown-Mandleson axis, and author of seminal Blairite tome The State We're In.

Such phrases as "even eventual victory may not avert a political disaster", and "he knows his capacity to survive the diplomatic humiliations piled on him by the Bush administration is limited" give the clearest hint yet that there's dissent in the upper echelons of The New Labour Project. For those who won't see the words unless they're printed in six-inch high glowing neon letters, Hutton writes "For the first time his premiership is genuinely at risk."

Hutton goes on to cite the way that US conversative forces are - or should be - complete anathema to any self-respecting politician on the European left, as Blair claims to be. And, of course, Hutton plugs his boot The World We're In, now available in paperback.