The longer this Iraq crisis drags on, the more it seems that Jack Straw is Blair's lightning rod. It was Straw on Radio 4's HODIE, having rings run round him by The Bard Humphrys. Straw's performance was pisspoor, and could have only served to convince people that he didn't understand what he was bibbling about. However, Straw could be the blood sacrifice that will appease enough opponents to keep Blair in a job.

In Stale magazine, Timothy Noah rallies in defence of the French.

The French renaming phenomenon is an echo of the propaganda frenzy against Germany during World War I, when Americans renamed sauerkraut "liberty cabbage," dachshunds "liberty dogs," hamburgers "liberty steaks," and German measles "liberty measles." Beethoven was banned outright. In retrospect, this demonization of all things German seems ridiculous.

But it wasn't as ridiculous as Ney's current demonization of France. Germany, after all, was America's enemy, whereas France is America's NATO ally. If chauvinistic warmongers want to start renaming stuff, it should be Iraqi stuff. There's probably not much point in going after Iraqi food such as masgoof (barbecued fish) and pacha (sort of an Iraqi haggis) because Americans don't eat them.

A better idea would be to tear out every page in the Bible that features an Iraqi place name, such as Babylon, Babel, the Garden of Eden, Nineveh, and Ur. The Christian right will object, but we all have to make sacrifices during wartime.

In related news, a town in North Carolina is to hold French trade month. They're well pissant with all the anti-French sentiment, and want to get on the right side when Montreal becomes the new capital of the US.

Some reckon that this is so idiotic, it's like something The Onion would make up. L'oignon? Ah, c'est un organ francais aussi. Then French Fries are not originally French, and no self-respecting French person would even dream about having it off with one of those damp, limp creations. Or even a french fry.

Maybe we should unilaterally declare independence. Move the border down to the Rio Grande, and strictly enforce an intelligence test. Those that don't meet the cut can go live - hmm, where shall we dump 'em? Quebec? A large encampment with barbed-wire fences in the Mississippi basin?

Anyone for some Freedom Kissing?

Checking Digiguide for next week's telly, I notice this little oddity:

We 1900  G+  Champions League Football

Newcastle against (I think) Juve, though it doesn't say. Moved from the ITN News Channel. Are they expecting something to be happening next Wednesday night, or something?

Elsewhere, Het Graun explicitly reports sixteen tapes in which Di Innacarr-Craysh discusses her sex life, including an encounter with a member of staff. The cat's out the bag now.

Jack Straw says that a French veto increases the chances of war, as it prevents the UNSC from enforcing its decisions. Er, wha'? The UNSC decides against war, and suddenly it's not backing its decision against war?

Robin Cook indicates that he'll quit the cabinet in event of unbacked war. The incomprehensible gnome's position had already been weakened after Blair pulled the reform of the Lords from under his feet last month, and now he's out for revenge. This is only loosely linked to Iraq, but shows exactly how far Blair has come from his party.

1. Do you like talking on the phone? Why or why not? At the moment, very much not: it involves using my vocal cords, and changing my breathing in a manner that isn't too agreeable. In general, not particularly, it forces me to concentrate at someone else's pace rather than wander off at my own tangents.
2. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Excluding work, Mumsey.
3. About how many telephones do you have at home? About? About??? How can anyone have so many telebalance units that they can only give an approximate figure?! Ahem. One wall unit, one handy, and one PC that can do telephony if I can be bothered to stick a microphone in, which I never can, preferring to link Mike Cable to the television or radio set.
4. Have you encountered anyone who has really bad phone manners? What happened? Yes. The call is terminated as soon as possible. Usual reason for this: being unable to pronounce my name. Or addressing me as Iain when caller doesn't know me.
5. Would you rather pick up the phone and call someone or write them an e-mail or a letter? Why or why not? Written communication is far preferable - I can express myself far better in writing than in speech, and it also provides a more permanent record than the ephemeral, in one ear and (quite literally) out the other telephone. That said, "instant" messaging is not good, as it's so not "instant."

Meme of the day is Het Graun's commentary on New Zealand playing India at cricket. Those of us who have no other entertainment at work have grown to appreciate Scott, Sean, Dan, and the others. They take our emails, turn them into real-time interactive correspondences, and still manage to squeeze in some sport.

It isn't just cricket the Follow It Live! team covers other great comedy events: the rugby, Prime Minister's Questions, and apparently they're warming up for Gulf War III: The Cleavage.

For those worried about Mr Murray's job prospects, we remember that Het Graun supplied Meme Of The Day back on 17 June 2002 with an astounding commentary on the World Cup match between the USA and Mexico. Read from the bottom up. Like about 70% of matches, the first half is a bit rubbish. Unlike 85%, the second half isn't. BBC sportswanker Barry Spinnaker said on live national television that the report came from a US paper. In Farringdon.

Over to CNBC's financewankers, and "hypodermic needle up their ass" is pronounced hypodermic needle up their, let's say, tushie.

Classic Buffy, one to pop up over and over and over again. Unlike last week's, which was a bit rubbish, all told.

Next on ITV, Earth Mother Davina hosts OBLIVIOUS NICKED THE RIVALS! Watch three of the guys out of Pete Waterman's boy band male vocal harmony group smoke some rather large ciggies at a club. Then view that chick out of Louis Walsh's Faded Orchid bust up some other lass. Which star has committed the more vicious crime? Who deserves ten years in jail for crimes against music?
For the chick out of Gals Shouldn't Be Allowed, call 09007 10 10 01.
For the guys out of One Record Deal, call 09007 10 10 02.
For Louis Walsh, call 08007 10 10 03.
For Pete Waterman, call 09007 10 10 04.
Calls charged at 25p each, except for 0800 numbers, which are absolutely free.

At the risk of pre-empting the proper decision making process that must take place deep within Central London, the various cogitating and bickering amongst staffers at BH, I reckon this week's Donald Rumsveld Soundbite Of The Week Will Be...

And now, this week's Donald Rumsveld Soundbite Of The Week:

Their situation is distinctive to their country and they have a government that deals with a parliament in their distinctive way. And what will ultimately be decided is unclear as to their role; that is to say, their role in the event a decision is made to use force.

That was this week's Donald Rumsveld Soundbite Of The Week.

Some slight changes to the readme. Explicit permission for Google and the Wayback machine to create their copies, and guidance on the rights and wrongs of sending me unsolicited email. Also added the BLAIRdex and reformatted the FUQ. Readers need not concern themselves unduly with these tinkerings.

The Sainted Leader got rather a kicking on last night's TONIGHT programme. Failing under hostile questionning from the public is bad; receiving a slow handclap at the end is a disaster.

That there will be no vote today on the UNSC resolution is probably a good thing for Blair. His worst case situation is having that resolution fail to attract 9 votes, hence trivially failing to generate a mandate. Next worst: the resolution gets a veto from France or Russia. As of this teatime, those countries are set - at best - to join China, Pakistan, and Germany in the abstention camp. With Syria set to vote "no", it only takes one hold out from Angola, Cameroon, Guinea, Mexico, Chile, or Bulgaria to bring about Worst Case 1. A delay can only help Blair's long-term survival.

Cameroon suggests a 45 day delay. C4News reckons the UK team at the UN is cooling to a deadline next Monday, the US team still wants to go ahead next week.

Of less interest: moves to hold a special conference in the event of an unlawful war declaration. Factored this in already. Do keep up at the top.

Jiggers marked day 10,000 yesterday. Congratulations. I missed my 10,000th day, two years ago next Wednesday, because I was busily preparing to move house and seeing solicitors and packers and cursing at Swedish furniture suppliers. However, I hope to do something for the Multiple Nelson, day 11,111. That's on April 3 next year, the Saturday before Easter. Won't be able to afford a trip to the ODI between England and the Windies for that day, but I should be able to make something of the day. Grand National? University Boat Race? Just an excuse to go for a slap-up meal? Holler for those interested; I'll try to remind early in the new year.

The woman who put her briefcase on the supermarket conveyor belt, then wondered why the cashier wanted to make her pay for it again.

Finally, the cold is easing. Spent most of the day lying in bed, napping and kipping, catching up on the hours of sleep I've lost over recent nights. Should be up for work in the morning.

Still down with the cold, though last night was the first in four I'd slept solidly for more than four hours, or in total for more than six. Raid the supermarket's cold cabinet this morning, for various rubs and throat sweets.

Get to like this new look. It's radical, it's different, it's going to mutate a little over the coming days and weeks. You'll need a display width of 1024 pixels or greater to see the entire page, though the main content is yours for 800. Given that my site stats for Feb showed 75% of visitors expressing a preference were at 1024 or wider, deal.

Picture of the week is Berlin's victory statue, seen from beneath the S-Bahn. Thanks to Tanya.

BLAIR is down three points, following the resignation (actual) of Andy Reed, the MP for Loughborough, as PPS to Environment minister Margaret Beckett. The details don't matter; this is a resignation, and by the man who was the model for Pandora Braithwaite in the recent Adrian Mole books. Also forcing the BLAIR down: Claire Short's outspoken interview on Radio 4 last week, saying she would resign the Cabinet-level post of International Development Minister if the UK went to war without UN approval; and the threat by the large GMB union of "meltdown" over Iraq and the "Thatcherite" leanings of the Labour government.