Excellent! BBC7 airs the original pilot episode of The Mary Whitehouse Experience from (I think) February 1989. Punt and Dennis performing the opening monologue from It's Been A Bad Week; Rob Newman doing the crimestoppers segment, Mark Thomas taking the piss out of rugby, and David Baddiel inviting a listener contribution serial. The only way we know it's 1989: listeners are invited to write in - you know, by post - with their ideas. Just eight years later, in Daria's The Teachings Of Don Jake, Helen makes a big deal about being completely out of touch - "no phones, no faxes, no voicemail, no email." None of those would have enabled one to contribute to TMWE.

C4's debate on Iraq features a brief contribution from a white-haired bloke with a handlebar moustache. It's Ted Maul, surely!

Mr Blair keeps burbling along about the "moral case" for sending troops into Iraq. He's conveniently ignoring the accepted moral code, that you just don't interfere in the internal affairs of another country. Like, ever. That's the older code, so it trumps the upstart, and sticks up two fingers to the fulminating and pointlessly pontificating vicar. Hurrah!

The young lass whose skirt level is in directly inverse proportionality to her sobriety.

Some quick cuts...

A correspondent is a bit worried about the possibility that VD can be sent online. So long as everyone is consenting to the act, and practices safe hex, nothing can go wrong.

My favourite cheesy/silly thing is Edam. It's made backwards, don't cha know...

Reports that Scrappy Spice is the mysterious third member of "Russian" lesbian duo Tatu cannot be confirmed, but all three have accents commonly found in the vicinity of Uckfield, East Sussex.

People who read one book, treat it as the literal and uncontested truth, and then proclaim themselves experts in the field are a pain in the proverbials.

Sometimes we are our own harshest taskmasters, far harder and more demanding than anyone else. And we can't change the world on our own: neither for the better, nor for the worse.

I'm asked about Ali G, and is it worth watching? No.

Oh, alright, I'll explain why. Sascha Baron Cohen plays a stereotypical caricature of young black Britain that is nothing like anyone I know, even third hand. The joke, allegedly, is that Mr Baron Cohen's character is white, pretending to be black. Apparently, in some strange cocaine-fuelled universe, this is really really funny. In the real world, it's slightly less gigglesome than When Wet Paint Dries On Sky One.

Quite frankly, I'd sooner watch three hours of ST:TNG on TNN from 8pm Eastern. And I *hate* anything Star Trek.

"When heavy metal turned into heavy tragedy" - Ted Maul, reporting for The Day Today, 1994.
"A night of heavy metal turned into a night of heavy tragedy" - Bob Franken, CNN, spotted for TVBarn, 2003.

Someone asked me to design a hit constructed reality show. Short answer, for fellow game show geeks: Interceptor meets Wanted, with a fair dash of The Millionaire Game that is taking the Netherlands by storm right now.

Long answer: contestants pick one of 25 backpacks, containing anything from ECU 100 to ECU 5 million.

The backpacks can be remotely locked by an infra-red beam striking receptors on the back of the backpack. That beam is fired by Interceptor, a ruthlessly evil man clad in black, perhaps played by Spike from Buffy.

The game sees contestants released from a start point, and given 30 minutes to get as far away as they can. Halfway through that time, Interceptor is released, and attempts to zap the backpacks. After 30 minutes, the contestants have to stay still (GPS systems monitor) but Interceptor can roam for another 15 minutes.

At the end of the game, a timelock on the backpacks springs open. If Interceptor has zapped the pack, it stays locked. If the contestant has moved, their GPS doesn't release the lock. But if the case opens, the contestant wins what's inside.

Some musical memories:

"Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" - Don Henley & Patty Smythe
First day at uni, slightly hungover, slightly queasy, more than a little out of place, and finally able to let the fear out to this tune. Then ready to face the world again.

"Boneyard" - Little Angels
"3am Eternal" - KLF
"Do the Bartman" - The Simpsons
The soundtrack to Gulf War I.

"Make It Home" - Juliana Hatfield
For the bloke who bought the student house in which I was staying, and tried to turf us out "for a few days" "for redecorating." We're not falling for that crap.

"You Were Meant For Me" - Jewel
Being picked up from the airport in St John's at 1 in the morning, driving through the deserted and cold city. Start of the best 24 hours of my life.

"If You're Gone" - Matchbox Twenty
Seven hours at Newark airport, gazing out on the New York skyline (version .11) Wouldn't be able to gaze on that skyline anymore.

"Southside" - Moby / Gwen Stefani
Was the reason for my extra day in Tucson to finally hear this on US radio? Don't think so.

I choose to be flattered. A spoof version of my column appears, written in a style that is clearly not mine from the first line, and advancing the strange agenda of some correspondent or other. It's flattering to be so much part of the furniture that spoofs appear.

The driver who thinks he can drive within arm's length of me and not accidentaly have his car scratched.

Mr Portillo says that if the Tories narrow their appeal, they won't be returned to power. Well observed, that man. If the blues narrow their appeal any more, it'll be even thinner than Blair's push for the moral high ground.

A documentary on BBC2 regarding the New Coke debacle of 1985. Raises some interesting insights into US society, and how it has been totally taken over by The Brand and The Advertisment.

For a hundred years, the Coola-Cola company had blitzed the US with adverts saying, in brief, "We Are America." This message had become ingrained into the culture of the country, and was accepted at face value by a huge number of United Stations. When the Coolas changed their product, they thought they were just changing a drink; the US residents saw it as an attack on their distinctive national drink.

Clearly, the grand pooh-bars at Coola Towers - a depressingly straight-sided skyscraper in Atlanta - didn't believe their own marketing hype as much as their customers did. Do all executives disregard their own advertising campaigns like this? Should we, the public, treat commercial messages with the same disdain and complete suspension of credulity as the top brass?

In a shameless attempt to suck up to racist thugs, French police today arrested gay rights activist Peter Tatchell. The defeated parliamentary candidate yesterday lodged an official demand for the French authorities to arrest Robert Mugabe, the defeated Zimbabwe presidential candidate under anti-torture laws. Mugabe orchestrated an anti-"white" campaign for some years before losing the election in March last year; in an echo of events in the US, Mugabe still styles himself president.

Tatchell accused police of intimidating protesters off the streets. "It is a virtual police state in Paris. The police have told us that no further protest will be tolerated. Mugabe's regime is guilty of torture, detention without trial and murder. We cannot allow him to come to Paris without protesting against his grisly human rights record."

Last week's Top of the Pops prompted more than 30 complaints following the appearance of lesbian duo Tatu, and for all the usual reasons. During the performance of their number one song, the two popsters from Uckfield embrace. But in last week's show, when it came to that moment, the camera decided to show a straight couple in the crowd playing tonsil hockey. Perhaps an ironic comment by the production team, highlighting the ludicrous guidelines they'd been given. The 32 complaints asked why a gay kiss cannot be shown while a straight kiss seems to be positively encouraged.

The woman in black, dragging two kids to the bus as though they were suitcases.

Anyway. Buffy popup. You know you wanna.

The lady watching the traffic like a hawk, unable to pounce.

S Club Seven, Gareth Gates, Will Young and the Cheeky Girls have been strangely quiet on the conflagration that looks set to engulf the children and grandchildren of an earlier era of peace and love. In fact, they're consistently quiet on anything that has anything to do with anything other than being celebrated, making bland music, and generating gossip over their relationships and sexual preferences. There is a curious lack of any political dimension to current thinking, and a curious lack of leadership from the role models who could make a real difference to the rising generation. - Mark Borkowski in her Gtaunida.

A tour that was due to star the groups created by Popstars 2 has been cancelled due to a lack of interest. Wheeeeee!

You know you're a grammar whore when ... you have to fight to hold your tongue when the waitor brings the bill and asks "Who should I give this to?"

The man buying a pack of two dozen condoms at the checkout counter without a trace of shame...

And the young lady who caught my eye as if to say "He'll never use all those before they expire."

The original questions were nicked from VampWillow's livejournal.

Q Are you male or female?
You make it sound as though this is an either/or question. It sure as anything ain't.

Q What is your sexual preference?
Men, though women do sometimes get me going. For the sake of labels, put me down as androgynous-to-asexual. For the sake of stats, note that male partners outnumber female by a ratio of about 5:2; note also that the number of sex acts with males and females are roughly equal.

Q What physical features do you find attractive in a man, non-sexually speaking?
Attitude, sense of humour, signs of intelligence, moderately clean shaven.

Q What features do you find... arousing in a female, if you are indeed aroused by females?
Eyes, mouth, back of the neck, that bit of the thigh just above the knee.

Q Does personality have an effect on how attractive you find a woman?
Totally. Physical attraction will generate a one night stand, perhaps a relationship based on sex. To go any further needs a decent personality.

Q How often do you date?
Not often enough. Hint.

Q How serious are your relationships, when you date?
Some are for recreation, some are for keeps, but they have a nasty habit of flip-flopping between categories.

Q How important is it to you that you have a girlfriend at all times?
Not at all.

Q How important is it to you that you love the person you deem your boyfriend?
It helps, but then one has to define nebulous concepts like "love." And seemingly intractable concepts like "your boyfriend."

Q How important is it to you that your boyfriend be attractive sexually?
It's useful, but that only counts for part of a relationship.

Q How important is it to you that your friends find your boyfriend attractive sexually?
Not at all, unless we're thinking about sharing.

Q When confronted with what you consider to be a negative personality trait in a boyfriend, how do you deal with it?
Is it serious? Is it malleable? Can the relationship grow past it? These are the questions to consider.

Q What do you consider a negative personality trait in any man, loved one or no?
Violence.

Q How often do you find yourself wondering if men are using you?
It happens. Not often, but it happens. They probably actually use me more than I suspect they do.

Q Do people consider you paranoid about your relationships to any male figure, whether it be your father, an authority figure, or your boyfriend?
No. Why ask?

Q Do you think men are out to get you?
Haven't the faintest.

Q Do you insist that no man will ever love you?
My hope is that one will.

Q Have you been proven wrong in this assumption?
Proof implies a level of finality that is impossible in human relationships.

Q Was it by someone who actually loved you, or was it a farce?
Covered above.

In geek news, Intel names its new chip for the desktop market. It's to be called "Prescott". When it doesn't like what you're doing, it reaches out of the computer and starts punching you.

Interesting. Google's preferences screen only offers the "safe search" when the default language is English, or a derivative thereof. Viz: English and français. Le spookup.

The return of 17, in an edition extended enough to make this year's series 17.2. Clever. Sadly, that's about the cleverest thing about the episode, which has little to grace it, a plot so thin that you can see right through it, and only one moment where we briefly wonder what's going on, only to remember that this is 17.2 and the hero has a plan. Too much bloody family values, too little bloody.

I'm going to be watching this year's shows at Monday teatime, allowing me to concentrate on what's happening. It seems to fit better there than at 10pm when I'm matchstick-half-asleep.

Tony Blair is in deep trouble. His arguments have failed, the people say No and there seems no way out. He may well fall. Good riddance. So much potential, so many bad decisions. How would things turned out had Labour had a smaller majority?

Whatever. There's a clear bait-and-switch going on from Lair. It was 'weapons of mass destruction' and those risible 'links to Al-Qaeda.' Then that argument became untenable, now it's 'those poor poor Iraqis we can free from suffering with our bombs of liberation.' That just serves to undermine his position even further, because noone buys the idea that the moral position is shared by the Bush administration and its long-term 'install another general with a moustache' strategy. Even if Rev Tony believes it with all his sporadically Gladstonian heart,

The man looking up at the tree, somehow expecting it not to be a tree.

Intelligent comment on the US claims of cowardice in Europe. It's all about the Euro, folks.

Other thoughts on yesterday's protests. Just about five hours of wall-to-wall coverage on News 24. Apparently, fuck all on the US networks. London's attendance is between 2 million (organisers) and 800,000 (police) - call it 1.5 million, still the biggest in UK history. New York saw 500,000, Rome another million and more, Paris only slightly smaller. At least 20,000 in major Texas cities, too. Up to 500,000 in Sydney... and it goes on.

And there's more: Mary Riddell in the Obs writes.

Political leaders hate crowds. Mass meetings have been supplanted by leaks and soundbites. In the fractious build-up to war, lonely societies are encouraged to become more solipsistic. A fearful population, hiding behind its anthrax-proofed windows, is also tractable. There is nothing threatening to government about citizens bickering over the last roll of duct tape in Wal-Mart.

British marchers have spurned isolation for solidarity, and fear for fury. Their momentum came almost from nowhere. Unlike the Jubilee-trippers, the Soham mobsters and even the Countryside Alliance, they bore no social or political barcode. Theirs was, and is, a movement without a leader. Its members belong to no obvious political caste. Labour voters who march are deracinated from their leaders, and the Tories have none worth worrying about.

The surprise has been the altruism of the protesters, and the size of the vacuum they fill. Blair's natural supporters and opponents have registered their opposition, and seen it spurned. As they get more strident, he digs harder. The hole in democracy grows more cavernous by the day. The War Remnants Museum in Saigon displays yellowed newspaper reports of Western protests against the Vietnam War. Next door, housed in hot sheds, are the napalmed babies and photographs of burnt children. The juxtaposition of press clippings and grim artefacts offers a memento mori. This is what happens when people are right and governments mistaken.

Today's protesters are starved of inspiration and data. In place of a charismatic leader, they have the belief that politicians are lying. They have no great freedom fighter to support; only Saddam. You could not sell washing powder on that basis, let alone a pacifist cause that may crush a Prime Minister. Yet the movement has taken off and its subscribers, on yesterday's evidence, are not a reissued set of hoary peaceniks. These are organised people with clear aims. They want a peaceful solution for Iraq. If that is not forthcoming, Blair will be punished accordingly. The unheard have spoken out.

Now, if you really want to stick it to those bellicose pork warthogs, Buy French. (And Belgian, if you're into chocolate or television formats.) And don't buy US products. Simple, really.

And finally on this subject, the State of the Onion Addressification as reworked by Chris Morris. Audio and video. He inspired my concise edition