Sir, sir, you're trying to drive the wrong way at the drive in: you're going to have to reverse and go round the front otherwise, oh well, there's a repair shop just over the road.

1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not?
Bowl of wheat flakes, couple of rounds of toast, orange juice, lemon tea.

2. What's your favorite cereal?
Museli with loads of fruit.

3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change?
Very rarely, only when I'm away from home. I'm fine with that.

4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that?
Cauliflower cheese. Chop cauliflower. Cook cauliflower. Make cheese sauce from packet. Season to taste. Pour over cauliflower. Eat. Enjoy.

5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why?
Why does everyone have to have a favourite restaurant? The world will function perfectly well if I don't express a preference for one joint over another, just as it functioned perfectly well when readers of the NME didn't specify a choice for Best Reggae Single 1985. Sheesh.

Idiot of the day: Ceefax headline - "80% chance of US terrorist attack". Story detail "On a scale of one to ten, I'd say eight."

This week's Buffy popup contains significant extra detail and research. This research is also a major spoiler for the show. Deal.

There really should be an age limit for people wearing short skirts, because she's just undignified now.

Suddenly, it's the early 90s again.

First, the UK government issues a dossier of evidence that appears to support its claim that Iraq is constructing chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons. Then it emerges that most of this evidence was lifted straight from a student's thesis in California, misplaced commas and all. The thesis was written in 1993. Back in Blighty, we call this sort of thing plagarism.

Then Our Tone appears on Newsnight, saying that, in six months, he's going to cut the number of people claiming asylum in the UK by 50%. In three months, he'll cut at least 30% off the figure. How is he going to do this? Simple, by promoting peace and harmony throughout the world, and not attacking any volatile nations at all. Least of all countries that are split between Shi'ites, Sunnis, and Kurds.

We've had Tony Benn fly into Iraq and come back with footage of himself conducting an obsequious interview with President Sadaam

But the clincher that we really are, in fact, reliving the days of Gulf War 1 comes with the credited author of the Government's dossier. Back in January 1991, the war was fought against a backdrop of serious comedy courtesy of Punt, Dennis, Newman, and Baddiel. One of their routines was inspired by a graffito seen from the North Circular. It's amazing to find out what the subject of that graffito has gone on to do with their life.

The author of the report ... the one ... the only ... the bent ... M Khan!

How the hell can we top that? We can't. Instead, here's the start of weekly coverage of POP IDLE USA 2 We don't need much excuse to say it... Who Are These People?!

Ryan Seacreast (bet that's not his real name) is the two-headed host Antan Dec, only he seems to have lost a head. The judging panel is Paula Abdul, in the role of faded star Nikki Chapman; Randy Newman, playing the larger-than-life cheerleader role of Dr Fox; and Simon Cowell, playing the role of cantankerous old git Pete Waterman. Couldn't they get someone to play Simon Cowell? Anyway, who performs tonight?

Kimberly Caldwell, from Texas. She's performing Come To My Window, made famous by Melissa Etheridge. And it's a belter, properly raucous and going to go far. And the Pap Panel likes it. Good on them.

Patrick Fortson, from Terre Haute, Indiana. He's performing Toni Braxton's Unbreak My Heart, with a bit too much of a wobble in the chorus and a bit of a breathy approach, but with a bit of training, he could easily outperform La Brax. Jackson (R) is lukearm, Cowell slams his dress sense, and the choice of song. Argue back, boy, don't get papa to walk on stage and start discussing fashion, fer cryin' out loud. Fortson must go: not because of his dress sense, or his performance, but because he's being used as a muppet, caught in the crossfire of father against Cowell.

J.D. Adams from Burbank, looks like Justin Timberpond, performing... No, murdering. Whatever the song is, and I don't recognise it, he is atrocious. That was shite singing. The final note goes on, and on, and on, like a fire alarm. Cowell reckons it was "OK," which is far too polite. It was crap.

Trenyce from Tennessee. Performs Love Creeping Up On You with verve and gusto and a whole truckload of soul. Best of the night so far.

Meosha Denton, also from Tennessee. Performing How Do I Live? Wobble, dodgy hat. It's a decent performance, nothing particularly wrong with it, but nothing that memorable. Hell, Abdul isn't giving good vibes, and Cowell reckons it's a "so what" performance. He's right, the Waterman character is always right.

Bettis Richardson, from Lauderdale, Florida, looks like he should be a rocker. Which clearly explains why he performs a soul classic about being a better man. He's got the moves, he's got decent vocals, and this is on the cusp. Jackson reckons the tune was AWOL and hated it, Abdul's not impressed, Cowell uses the "blew it" line. Harsh, and not particularly fair.

Charles Grigsby from Ohio. Performs Overjoyed in a baseball hat and denim, a decent image. An odd choice of song, a great voice, but he pales into comparison with Stevie Wonder - he doesn't have the timbre of Wonder. The Pap Panel is pleased.

Julia DaMato from Connecticut. Performs Dusty's Son Of A Preacherman with menace, perhaps more than the song needs. Still a bloody good performance, though. Jackson's not moved, Cowell's finding the ladies far more bitchy than the gentlemen, and would like her to move on.

My vote, if I had one, would certainly go to Trenyce. Second shot is a close run thing between DaMato and Caldwell. Results will follow in 30 minutes or so...

From tonight's show, the top two vote-getters will progress to the final ten. After the four group final heats, the judges will pick two more from the 24 failed candidates to progress. The losers are not necessarily out of it.

So, who goes through?
Trenyce -- is not in the final three. United Stations, you have no taste.
Fortson -- the journey ends here. Good
DaMato -- could do better, will do better, made it to the top three.
Richardson -- not gonna happen, is it.
Caldwell -- do we love the sound of breaking hearts? We do not, she's in the top three.
Denton -- so what. So long.
Grigsby and Adams -- will progress after this bunch of trailers for future programmes on ITV2.

Oh, as if we couldn't tell. It's Grigsby. Adams was a pile of shite. Like the stools. They're a *total* steal from Endemol's STAR ACADEMY format.

The judge's predictions: Caldwell and Fortson from Abdul and Jackson; Caldwell and Adams from Cowell. Cowell wasn't impressed by the show tonight, and doesn't expect any of the lower five to return later.

But through... Grigsby, who gets to reprise his Wonder-ful Overjoyed. It's a bit better second time round.

Also progressing... DaMato, which strongly suggests Caldwell will be returning as a Judge's Pick. Two decent performers, and there's a shade of the raw talent of Darius Danesh in all three high-finishers.

There's nothing like a good 80s blast to speed one on the way to beating a nasty headache. Step forward Magic tv, airing the following classic* videos...
Don't Leave Me This Way, in which The Communards and Sarah Jayne Morris bring back the spirit of Eastern Europe, where people play trombones in disused factories with enemies of the state in the crowd.
The Sun Always Shines On TV, where A-ha perform in a church to an audience of crash test dummies. On the upside, that makes the spectacular the most alive the church has been in years.
When Will I Be Famous?, with the three-piece Bros larking about South London on grainy camcorders. If they'd sent that tape in to Channel 4, they would have gotten their own late night series and the world would be somewhat different.
You Spin Me Round (Like A Record), Pete Burns of Dead or Alive camps it up with more finger-wagging than anyone from Frankie ever did. Note especially the hand actions to the line "Watch out here I come", where a ship's lookout suddenly turns into the pulling of a lavatory chain.
Like A Virgin, with Madonna cavorting around Venice in the company of a lion (?) and a man with a lion mask (??) Didn't get it then, don't get it now. But enough about my crush on Burnsie.
Beat It, showing that while some things change, Michael Jackson's relationship with this planet earth has never been more than tenuous.

No, lady, don't worry about the noise your precious child is making, no-one's trying to sleep at this time of day.

The old couple who let their dog off its leash, then watch it run into the road.

Looks like I spoke too soon regarding the snow. We had another Dusting overnight, and it all started again at 10am. About 4cm in the first ninety minutes, and a slow sticky buildup until lunchtime.

UK Interior minister, Mr Jack Straw, sets out President Sadaam's links with al-Qaeda. "Iraq offered a non-hostile environment for the terrorist group," says Kaj Warts. Big wow. By that token, let's bomb Washington and impeach Mr Clinton and dislodge President Bartlett, because that country also provided (note past tense) a non-hostile environment. And let's get rid of the regime in Saudi Arabia, whence Mr bin Liner and many of his minions cometh.

And a guest speaker for the US, Mr Coelin Powell, does a Powerplonk presentation to the UN. He's like a used car salesman trying to shift his worst old banger to a doddery old granny, but she's brought along her mechanic son. Mr Powell doesn't know to which audience he should be playing, and ends up missing them both.

"We have a man who is a systematic liar, who when challenged on weapons of mass destruction, starts moving them about on trucks" says C4 News anchor Jon Snow of Mr Powell.

What is it about piers in Brighton this year? The West one is badly damaged by a storm early in the year, then last night the Palace pier lost part of its funfair in a fire. Well do I remember watching shim and Judy stand behind the "stick your head through a hole and look stupid" stall, head stuck through a hole, and looking rather stupid.

The lass running to the cake counter with a grin even wider than the checkout line.

Long interview on C4 with President Sadaam of Iraq. The interviewer, former British politician Tony Benn, presented some fawning questions. In this respect, it's no different from the softballs sent to Mr Bush or Mr Blair.

This has surely got to be the best song title of the year, and is now in the French top 20. Even if you don't speak a word of French, it makes sense... «J'ai des petits problemes dans mon pantalon et leve les bras.»

Our Sam is billed as the inside story of Sam Fox. It's not, it's merely the regular documentary about the page three model. And, like all good P3 models, Sam is busily dating women. The invite to the This Girl That Girl tour has been cancelled.

Still not had more than a Dusting of snow in south Birmingham, not even enough to bring the trains to a standstill. This takes some doing.

Anyone up for a trip to Metro Detroit (specifically: Ann Arbour) around the weekend before Easter? Mail me privately.

Pick up my answerphone messages after lunch, and someone has played the "3" key down the line. Evidently I'm supposed to know what it means. We should be watching BBC3? Pshaw. We should be listening to BBC3, where there's a nice Rachmaninov suite playing.

On Brem's recommendation, I'll be at Edward's #8 on Saturday week to see Tuuli, a Canadian band of note. B sharp, hopefully.

The guy in the grey fleece, walking through the falling snow, head held high, enjoying the chance to savour an unusual climate experience.

Ooky. TMQ says Goodbye, Columbia - from 1980. There's very little to disagree with in a Greg Easterbrook column, and the Tuedsay Morning Quarterback For President campaign starts here.

In a typically well-reasoned analysis of why he doesn't drink, Jiggers comes up with a Far Finer drinking game: Someday, I'd Like To.... Yep, I tend not to play the original I Have Never... where there's alcohol involved. In fact, the only time I've played it in (counts) at least ten years was with a very few close friends, and where we'd laid down the ground rules of a) it may be new year's eve but there's no alcohol in the house; b) no telling what happened to those who didn't play; c) when you're put up ten fingers, game over; and d) game degenerates into statements of the blazingly obvious when reduced to two players. I recommend the company, far more than the variant.

Full disclosure: Weaver does take alcohol, but finds that it can interfere with his relationship with Big Brother, and hence tends to imbibe in extreme moderation, with food, and only a few times a year. Besides, beer tastes shite, wine annoys, alcopops are for kids, spirits are for old ladies, and cider is for students.

And for what it's worth, the BBC is scheduled to start repeating Buffy season 3 (probably the best place to join the series) after the snooker finishes in May.

According to the panel on WITHOUT PREJUDICE?, it's fine to be a refugee and want to pull up the ladder of support behind you, but lapdancers are the scum of the earth and deserving of nothing. Panel of wankers, if you'll pardon my french. Lapdancers are the salt of the earth, the grist to the mill, the stars of the firmament, and if I'm tarring them all with the same brush based on exactly one of them then who cares, cos the one I've met is a gem. And no, I've absolutely no interest in hopping into bed with her.

From the sick sad world archives... the painfully Avril-esque Ridiculous Girls Eat Beef site. And some Tripe from the Meat Council. And the amazingly titled Pork4Kids. Someone ought to tell Richard and Judy about this.

The jogger playing dodgems with the people walking their vicious dogs.