Bremner, Bird and Fortune dissect the Bishite arguments for invading Iraq, and find them not only wanting, but completely nebulous. Powerful satire.

The BBC investigates the Fall of Milosevic. Rigged elections in 96, to the brink in autumn 98, then the massacre that led to the peace conference that led to the US telling the KLA "sign and we'll bomb the Serbs."

"Plane Lands At Frankfurt Airport" reports CNN, ending two hours of trying to find a light plane that briefly threatened to crash into the European Central Bank. Is this a sublime protest against the European single currency? No, it's a man who wants to get in touch with the widower of one of the Challenger Seven.

Those NFL play-off matches partly in full...

Sat 21:30 - Indianapolis at NJ/B - a crushing win for the Jets, with the Dolts completely outclassed.
Sun 01:00 - Atlanta at Bay of Green - a crushing win for (er) the Falcons, who stick a rocket up all those stats that say Green don't lose when the temperature is below freezing. Atlanta now goes to the Philadelphia Cheeses.
Sun 18:00 - Cleveland at Pittsburgh - never count the Squared Sevens out. Ever.
Sun 21:30 - NJ/A at San Fransisco - never count the Men Of Steel out. Ever.

(c)limber / (s)care.

Listen.
Can you hear it?
The sound of the road.

The swish of the tyre.
The hoot of the horn.
The growl and grouch of the engine.

Taking people in their cars.
Taking things in their pantechnicons and juggernauts.
Moving from Somewhere to Somewhere Else.

It's the sound of a dream.

It's the dream that our life will be better
If we were Somewhere
Other than Here.

Or if we had Something
That is made Somewhere
Other than Here.

Listen.
Can you hear it?
The sound of the road.
The sound of the dream.

"Aren't there many people here at the beach?" asked Tom, coldly. It's good, but it's not Brandereth.

A brief and slight fall of snow this morning. Is it enough to roll up and form a snowbeing? No, unless you're trying to make lifesized snow amoebae. Is it enough to stop the trains from running? No, which is good news, and allows me to do my bit at the sales. Shirt, Next Year's Decoration, a jumper, a tshirt, a few good books, and plenty of disks marked down heavily. And no problems with the trains. Is this a record? (No, it's a train.)

Byronite:

\/ | - | | | | = | |

Court staff in Russia are preparing to try an unusual defendant, reports Puntandennis News. A farmer on the road to Sebieorsk allowed his prize bullock to roam loose on the highway, whereupon the cow was promptly hit by a motorist. Rather than bring charges against the farmer, prosecutors have brought in the bull for questioning. Should the animal take the stand, legal experts report it will be the first time there's been a load of bullocks since Jeffrey Archer's last trial. They do reckon that there will be far less bulls*it.

Elsewhere, the US Military has been in training for its proposed invasion of Iraq. The behemoth has recruited some out of work actors to pretend to be Iraqis for combat readiness exercises. In order to keep the simulation as close to reality as possible, the actors will have no weapons, no tanks, no grenades, not even stones to throw. All they will do is stand on the sidelines and heckle at the invading army.

Has the US military machine rumbled Mr Sadaam's secret plan to unleash Insults of Mass Destruction on unsuspecting foreign nations? Indeed, have the Iraqis been receiving covert shipments of Disparaging Words and Offensive Ideas from the US government for some years? Will the "Go home, you fascist imperialist loonies" chant ultimately prove to have been fabricated in Florida? Or is the US military deliberately underestimating the defensive capabilities of the Ba'athists; while well-slung words may never hurt the cra\ck|p troops, some carefully targetted sticks and/or stones would.

Stay tuned to Playground News for further updates on this story, and on whether Tony will be able to get on with Jacques.

In a response to the low ratings, the BBC takes an axe to long-running science show TOMORROW'S WORLD. It's a shame. Not so much that the strand will now be an umbrella for all science shows, but that there are so few intelligent shows on BBC1. The mixture of bizarre inventions and hard science must surely have helped to improve the knowledge of the Great British Public, and aided future technologists. It's also exactly the sort of public service programming - intelligent, challenging, but not so stuffy that it turns viewers away - that the BBC should be running. C4's commitment to science continues, with the Royal Institution lectures and SCRAPHEAP CHALLENGE to the fore.

My era of TW was Judith Hann and her rotating harem - Michael Rodd, Peter McCann, Kieran Prendeville, Howard Stableford, and Maggie Philbin.

Judith has gone on to the government's Biotech commission; Michael Rodd has vanished into corporate sales, and his career never really survived being evaporated in season 1 of THE ADVENTURE GAME (the one in which the aspidistra was played by Moira Stewart...) Howard's career highlight was the original series of BEAT THE TEACHER, and he's now technology correspondent for KUSA, the NBC affiliate in Denver. Kieran is a leading scriptwriter for shows like BALLYKISSANGEL, and Maggie has done a lot of work for tv in the south of England. She's also moving house, according to her appearance on Radio 5 this lunchtime.

According to womens' voices, I count as "androgyne." This is the true middle of the road, neither butch nor femme. Your group encompasses folks of all types, genders, and orientations, though is not as large a part of the population as the hard and soft androgynes surrounding you. Good company to have. [wink]

Twelve. Twelve of the the "top 100" telly moments of 2002. That's all I saw on first run, and a good half of those were game show related. Maybe my mission to ignore the popular culture is paying off.

This for byron...

N E A R
E A V E
A V E S
R E S T

Bit of an awkward start to the year in terms of television - my digiguide kept crashing during updates, and nothing I tried fixed it. Thankfully, it's a Well Behaved Windows App, and a quick reinstall, copy over of the channel pictures, and rebuild of the programmes database means that everything is up and running. Just like All Good apps should do. Though the sooner it can run natively under Linux, the better... Anyway, I'd recommend this program to *anyone* in the UK or US. For £7 per year, you really can't go wrong.

It might be the circles in which I move, it might be a sign of the times, but it's very rare for me to hear anyone - male, female, or other - let off steam without making some sort of apology. Be it an insincere token gesture, or an argument-deflating crumple, there's always some expression of regret, as if speaking one's mind was an intrinsically Bad Thing. In many cases, they're making perfect sense but undermining their integrity by casting self-doubt.

We have the best records of 2002 and site stats for December.

It must be nearly the end of the year: the Number Ones of the Year page is now complete. Look for some slightly different lists next year.

1. What was the first record you owned?
"Wombling Merry Christmas," a present from when I was about 14 months old. First one I *bought* was Now That's What I Call Music 3, featuring timeless classics from Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Wham!, Cyndi Lauper and the Bluebells.

2. Is there a song that reminds you most of your childhood?
Abba's "Super Trouper", always seemed to be on the radio when we were going shopping.

3. If you could spend a night with five musical artists (three for their minds and two for their bodies) who would they be?
Oooh... minds of Tori Amos, (TAFKA)^3 Prince, and Holly Johnson. Bodies of Brian Molko and (er) someone else.

4. If your life was a movie, what would play over the following:

Opening credits
"Dragging Me Down" a not-very obscure Inspiral Carpets tune.

Love scene
"Good Vibrations," or is that too much of a double entendre?

Driving scene that consists mainly of flashbacks and love lost.
The piano figure from "A Thousand Miles"

Closing credits
"Superman" - Five For Fighting.

5. A song or concert that moved you to tears
"If You Don't Know Me By Now."

6. What do you listen to when you are...

Happy?
Something to which I can play air guitar or air drums or air piano.

Sad?
Stuff with a strong vocal, preferably female, and no drum beat.

Upset
Bubblegum pop or jaunty classicals.

7. Name one musical artist you'd like to see banished.
Gagagagagagareth Gates

8. Name a song you would rather never hear again.
The melody from "Unchained".

9. Name an album that is perfect all the way through
Most recently: Dashboard Confessional's "The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most."

10. Music you like that can be considered a guilty pleasure.
Er, all of it?

11. If your music collection was about to go up in flames, which 5 cds would you save?
The five most obscure records. Off the top of my head, and without checking, that's:
"No Way Out" - Hooters
a promo copy of Suede's "Dog Man Star"
"We Are Shampoo"
the soundtrack from "Party of Five"
"O3" - Sunscreem

12. Is there a song that describes you or a situation you've been in so well that you could have written it?
Not that I've heard.

13. What is your favorite soundtrack?
Tie "Romeo + Juliet" and "Party of Five."

14. Best music-related movie?
Easy. "This Is Spinal Tap."

15. What is your favourite all-time video?
The clip to DJ Sammy's "Heaven" is a great eye-popper. So is "Praise You."

16. Current favourite radio hit?
Ouch. Most likely "Work It."

17. Do you sing or play any music instruments?
I sing baritone, but not reliably well.

Diana Ross has been arrested for drunk driving. Stop, in the name of shame! You may claim a love hangover, but we're still waiting for you to work that body sober. Do you know where you're going to? Your one shining moment, it's your turn for time in the slammer. After the chain reaction has completed, then - and only then - will you be coming out.

Inspired by bateleur, the What I've Been Doing Each Year review...

1973. Conceived and born. It's all a bit milky.

1974. Eating, babbling, yowling.

1975. Straight to walking. None of that crawling nonsense for this youngster.

1976. The usual round of pre-school learning and playgroup. Break my arm just before Christmas.

1977. Proof that ON THE MOVE was a great adult literacy project. Precocious three year olds were perhaps not its target market.

1978. Begin infant school. Take out subscription to The Beano.

1979. Impress teacher by getting through regular year's reading programme before Easter.

1980. Take crash course in how to ride bike. Five days at the end of May and I'm away.

1981. "Taught" by Mrs Clarke, the harridan who wouldn't accept that four of us really could be that clever.

1982. Parents purchase a VIC 20 computer.

1983. Spend months typing in listings from computer magazines and playing Blitz. Still the greatest game of all time, IMO. Also start middle school, where we're immediately put into sets for maths and english.

1984. The computer wanes as board games come into their own. Also discover the world of radio, migrating from Radio 4 to popular music.

1985. The one time I've gotten into a physical scrap. Ran a hugely successful "grab as many pegs from the line in one hand as you can" stall at the school fete. Take out subscription to Smash Hits.

1986. Skiing trip to pre-revolution Romania.

1987. Tour northern France for two and a half weeks. Crack arm in bicycling accident. Move to the high school, where we're now in sets for almost everything. Cancel sub to Smash Hits, as it's becoming far too pop for its own good.

1988. Skiing trip to Italy. Discover Radio Leicester's county quizzes. Join with D(r)unk and Neil in producing ACME, an unofficial school mag.

1989. ACME busted, re-emerges as officially-sanctioned THE END, hostile takeover by English department cretins means the second edition sells less than 30. Launch PAROSHKI, an unofficial out-of-school mag. Cycle something over 3000 miles this year.

1990. Parents get PC, but without hard disk. Start to get invited to parties. Get hideously drunk at least twice. Oh, and take GCsSE: 8 As, 2 Bs.

1991. Pete Cashmore (qv) launches LOTPAN, another unofficial out-of-school mag. He oversteps the mark, is suspended from school, and goes on to win COUNTDOWN. Close PAROSHKI in the ensuing hubbub. Set my first quiz, Staff -v- Pupils for the school fund. More parties and drunken fumblings. Pressed by senior staff to apply to Oxbridge.

1992. A-levels strike: 3 As, one B. Picture in local rag. Go to Birmingham to read Maths. Join BODSOC, the Childrens' Television Appreciation Society. Started dating Penny.

1993. Stop dating Penny. Take over running of Manor House as the "will-do-anything" auditor. Fingered as potential compromise president when warring factions threaten to tear student committee apart. Scrape a 2:1 in first year exams. Cancel sub to The Beano.

1994. Finish running Manor by giving lift to campaign of anointed successor. Never dated Julia. Or Cara. Met Andrej. Just miss 2:1 in second year thanks to compulsory elements and bizarre scoring system.

1995. Wrap up degree. Go into final exam knowing that I only need to turn in the paper to get a 2:1, and cannot possibly get First. Watch MY SO-CALLED LIFE. Start teaching qualification.

1996. Bounced out of teaching at Easter, after trying to teach in failing school that doesn't set for anything until 14. Start dating Ali over the net and by letter. Temporary jobs, interviews, Midday With Mair. Start compiling own top 40 chart, as official one is rubbish. Get permanent job with rising 121 Consulting just before Christmas.

1997. Eight days on jury. Travel to Newfoundland to meet Ali. Andrej gets married, has so much trouble finding best man that I get the gig. New year in St John's.

1998. Messy breakup with Ali.

1999. Two weeks in Toronto area. Move to Leamington Spa to be nearer work. 121 gets taken over by Logica. Two months commuting to London each day. Support staff let go. Start the Millionaire Recaps. Christmas back on the job market; new year with Mark in Brighton.

2000. Move back with parents. Get new job with Current Employer. Figure out that boss is probably incompetent, certainly lousy.

2001. Trips to Dallas and Tucson. Millionaire Recaps evolve into Weaver's Week. New year in Coryton.

2002. Rediscovery (see post later in the week.) Trips to Berlin and Brussels. Boss surprises us all by leaving of her own volition. Now 50 weeks without contracting a cold, a personal best.

So... how did the AFC play-offs pan out?

On Saturday, Oakland rather trounced Kansas at Muddy Field. Oakland therefore took #1 seeding - only the Thumbtacks could draw level, and Oakland has tie-breakers there. Kansas' defeat meant that they couldn't possibly relegate Indianapolis in a four-way contest with Miami and Cleveland, so Indianapolis qualifies as a wild card.

Sunday at 6 saw wins for Tennessee (#2 seed) and Pittsburgh (#3 seed). Cleveland beat Atlanta. New England beat Miami in extra time, sweeping the Marine Mammals, so Miami cannot win the division. If the Jets lose to Green Bay, New England will take the division, Miami will beat Cleveland and the West and take Wild Card #1, with Indy WC#2. If NJ/B beats Bay of Green, then the Jetskis are divisional champs, and New England loses to Cleveland for WC#2.

Over in the NFC, New York's Giants took a play off berth on Saturday. Atlanta lost, but so did New Orleans, so the Falcons take WC#2. NJ/A beat Philadelphia, meaning we could have a 3-team smush for top seeding.

Sunday at 9: NJ/B overpowers Green Bay, so New York's Jets win the AFC East; Cleveland the last Wild Card. Bay of Tampa's win means the NFC does get the three-team smush; Philadelphia the #1 seed, Tampa #2, Green #3. Phillies beat all-comers in the conference, and Bay bettered Bay in the Best Bay of Bays match.

Phew. Those play-off matches in full...

Sat 21:30 - Indianapolis at NJ/B
Sun 01:00 - Atlanta at Bay of Green
Sun 18:00 - Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Sun 21:30 - NJ/A at San Fransisco