In basketball action early this morning, Vancouver defeated Orlando, and Toronto fell to Golden State. This puts the Grizzlies ahead of the Reptars for the first time since the invention of the wheel.

There's nothing quite as fun as an Evil Genius plan. I must be slipping: Julie Burchill came up with this one: "These people ... really believe that the more you have, the more you are owed. And they seem so specifically Blairite, so stingy, so greedy, and so in need of telling that they're over, that I'd even endanger my new-found saintly status in the cause of some seasonal sport and suggest that you buy Private Eye, select the one who annoys you most and send 'em a cheque for 25p, along with a nice note saying that the charitable instincts they have awoken in you will go straight into the pocket of the next homeless citizen you see, big time. Their faces, when they read that for once the free money is headed where it's needed, as opposed to merely wanted - now, there's a sight I'd pay good cash to see!"

My contribution to the genre caused an outbreak of brown undies at Endemol / C4. Big Brother. Two up for eviction. Immediately the result is announced, one candidate says he's leaving. Perhaps breaks the emergency exit and skedaddles out the front door. Phone vote has to stop at once, remaining candidate may or may not be thrown out in the normal way, Endemol / C4 finishes up to half a million quid out of pocket. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha all the way to the moral bank.

For sheer chutzpah, though, an online auction for USD 21.43 cash. (ECU 20.52, GBP 13.36) Winning bid: USD 90 (ECU 86.19, GBP 56.10, IQ 4.15)

CNN's The Music Room reviews the year, and interviews The School Bully on the sofa. It's perhaps the most difficult interview in the history of entertainment television, with a reticence to give answers that would shame any decent politician, or Mr Blair. Everything about this just drips fake and falsehood, from the too-perfect biog, to the preferred other listening that - just happens! - to be a list of Arista and BMG stablemates.

The clincher question is about the videos. "How much do you enjoy making them?" asks the vacuuous host. "I have, like, so many good ideas, and we use them," is the gist of Lavignia's answer, though it takes her half a minute to say that little. The answer is, of course, a complete load of baloney and phooey. We know that these shoots are planned and paid for by the record corporation, and it's amazing how well they chime with the carefully-cultivated image of rebellion, but only up to a point. Running amuck and insulting mall owners: good. Smashing car windscreens with guitars and fair use of legally-acquired disks: bad.

Lavigne protests that the "punk" thing is something that the media have applied to her. She doth protest too much: the official website uses the P word three times in the official website bio. No, this isn't punk in any meaningful sense of the word...

It *is* the same misleading naming as applied by EMI six years ago. Remember the distinctly not posh Victoria Aadams? The not scary Mel Brown? The not sporty Mel Chisholm? Remember the group that recorded some ace pop songs, then rather spoiled things with a cartoony, larger-than-life image? The group that started with a great introductory song and vid, then went on to something louder and grittier, before following with an exquisitely beautiful ballad?

Indeed. The School Bully *is* the missing Spice Girl, and the endorsement of soft drinks companies can only be a matter of weeks away.

It's some time since I last did a Friday Five...

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Surviving, mending a lot of broken fences, and becoming happy with myself. It's been a landmark year.

2. What was your biggest disappointment? I dunno, the disappointments have tended to be transitory.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? No. The new year will bring what it brings.

4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else? Partying on new year's eve is for amateurs. The best parties take place during daylight on new year's *day*. Though with the options, probably somewhere in the Upper Midwest Triangle.

5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions? The review of the year in game shows (out tomorrow) and the best of lists (tracks around Wednesday, books and telly sooner). Reconfiguring the various databases for the new year.

Top Tens...

Music Albums...

1. Sleater-Kinney - One Beat
2. Intergalactic Sonic 7s - Ash
3. Scarlet's Walk - Tori Amos
4. Beyond Nashville - VA (01)
5. Once More, With Feeling - Benson / Gellar / Head
6. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack (01)
7. A Different Light - Anne Dudley (01)
8. Under Rug Swept - Alanis Morissette
9. Night on my Side - Gemma Hayes
10. Beyond Coney Moon - Andrew Hardin (96)

Music Tracks (rather than singles) will follow next week, when I've sorted them out.

Books...

1. Thin Skin - Emma Forrest
2. I Am An Oil Tanker - Fi Glover (01)
3. Premiership: Lifting the Lid on a National Obsession - Chris Horrie
4. How Long Is a Piece of String? - Rob Eastaway
5. Survivor Panama - Dan Waddell
6. Don't Panic - Neil Gaiman
7. Gridlock - Ben Elton (91)

The rest of my reading matter was to do with work, periodicals, or rubbish. Depressingly often, all three.

Periodicals...

1. Private Eye
2. Q
3. NME
4. The Beano
5. The Observer
6. The Independent

Television...

1. Dead Ringers
2. The Enemy Within
3. Judgemental
4. Buffy
5. Friends
6. Survivor Panama
7. Pop Idol
8. Liar
9. Treasure Hunt
10. As If

Oregon's Eugene Register-guard reports the suspension of two boys who showed up at their middle school in Harrisburg wearing a girl's cheerleader outfit, complete with a short skirt. School officials told the boys they were in violation of the dress code, but because their skirts were too short.

The nickname of the hockey team at the Rhode Island School of Design is the Nads. Work out the punchline for yourself.

Anne Robinson criticized the intellect of Americans. "I saw George Bush at a benefit concert actually waving to Stevie Wonder."

Tony and Anjelica Flores, a Peoria, Ariz. couple, were handcuffed and tossed in jail for keeping their Christmas lights up until April, a violation of city code.

All entries supplied by the Tucson Weekly.

Searches of the week...

• las ketchup lyrics meaningful (er, no)
• pitcher of atomic kitten
• bbc2 simpsons cancelled (no, we've just put on something even better)
• list of survivor winners (charlotte, jonny)
• matterhorn miners shoes
• yellow generation carpe diem (it's an album, apparently)
• greetings card to albania

1.) COOKIE: Slightly chewy, with a little nut and a little chocolate.

2.) CANDY: Chocolates, natch.

3.) MAIN COURSE: Spinach lasagna, roast potatoes, a little cauliflower, perhaps a dash of sweetcorn.

4.) STORE: Er, wha?

5.) COLOR OF OUTDOOR LIGHTS: Not for me: far too garish.

6.) TYPE OF TREE: Oh no, trees stay outside where they belong.

7.) COLOR LIGHTS ON TREE: See above.

8.) TREE TOPPER: And again.

9.) ORNAMENTS or BALLS: Beg pardon?! Er, ornaments. Dotted about the room.

10.) GARLAND or TINSEL: Garland.

11.) HIDING PLACE FOR GIFTS: In my house, so that they're twenty miles away from the recipients.

12.) BEST PRESENT YOU EVER GOT FOR CHRISTMAS: Tricky - all the good prezzies have been for my birthday.

13.) THING TO WEAR TO BED CHRISTMAS EVE: Same as usual.

14.) TIME YOU GOT UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AS A KID: 7am. Not a minute sooner.

15.) TIME YOU GOT UP CHRISTMAS MORNING LAST YEAR: Probably 7am again.

16.) DO YOU ENJOY SENDING OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS: To a point. I think doing them in dribs and drabs has been more fun than trying to write a dozen in one go.

17.) HOW DO YOU DISPLAY THE CARDS YOU RECEIVE? Treat 'em like ornaments and dot them around the house.

18.) HOT CHOCOLATE, EGG NOG or APPLE CIDER: Hot chocolate when it's dark, warm apples during daylight.

19.) ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Not tonight.

20.) DO YOU HAVE A NATIVITY IN YOUR HOME? Duh. No.

21.) HOLIDAY SONG: "The restroom door said gentlemen" and other Twisted Christmas classics.

22.) HOLIDAY MOVIE: The Bugs & Road Runner movie. They only ever show it at Christmas.

23.) BEST HOLIDAY EPISODE OF A TV SHOW YOU EVER SAW: That suggests there was ever a good one, though the one from THIRD ROCK's first season wasn't bad.

24.) HOLIDAY TV SPECIAL YOU EVER SAW: Still waiting for something decent.

25.) DO YOU WRAP THE GIFTS YOU PUT IN A STOCKING: Yip.

26.) HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THERE WAS NO SANTA CLAUS? That's an allegation I'd dispute (:

27.) HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

28.) HOW DID YOU TAKE THE NEWS?

29.) DO YOU GO TO CHURCH ON CHRISTMAS EVE/CHRISTMAS MORNING? Yeah, likely.

30.) WHEN DO YOU TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS DOWN? About January 4.

That AFC Playoff Scenario in full. Or, why the Ravens can quoth some more.

So to TEST. THE NATION. THE YEAR. TWO THOUSAND. AND. TWO. as Annie called it. Yep, Gopherman and Mrs Robinson are back, with a quiz about the year's events. Once again, 17 minutes of questions are spun out to over an hour of televisual fun. I got 61/70, and would have done better if many of the entertainment questions hadn't required an intimate knowledge of obscure BBC products. Heck, nothing like a bit of primetime BBC propaganda, but then how come there was not one mention of FORGOTTEN ALREADY ACADEMY.

For what it's worth...
News: 15/15
People: 13/15
Entertainment: 10/15
Sport: 15/15
Random: 8/10
Total: 61/70

Very Anglocentric, very much oriented to the middle-to-lowbrow agenda. I'm slightly depressed about doing so well, even though I've tried not to pay attention to mass media this year. Must try harder.

Meanwhile, for fans of Really Difficult Quizzes: the Legendary King William's Quiz is once again online. The average score is two. I claimed five out of 180 last year. Answers in about a month.

Another one from the Compare And Contrast files. On the right, The School Bully. On the left, The University Bully. It's uncanny!

Joe Strummer passed away on Sunday, and Radio 2 turned over half an hour to a cobbled-together tribute. The underlying message: rock should and could tolerate any influence. "London Calling" sounded miles better than anything you'll find within shouting distance of the charts these days, and I reckon a re-release is very much in order, now more than ever.

"The best way to celebrate Mr Christ is by shopping" - a retail brands professor at The University of Lunn. (It was a Polytechnic once, you know.)

We're done! Works' Christmas party played the last track, and up goes the decoration.

• Christmas decorations seen in any store (done 12 Oct)
• Supermarket puts mince pies on sale (14 Oct)
• Lights go on in city centre (30 Oct)
• Decorations seen in or outside someone's home (26 Nov)
• Decorations up at work (10 Dec)
• Carol singers observed (9 Dec)
• Cards sent (14 Nov)
• Card received (14 Dec)
• Sign saying "So Many Shopping Days" (13 Nov)
• Christmas muzak (generic) (08 Nov)
• Clearly identifiable Christmas record (11 Nov)
• Fairytale Of New York (16 Nov)
• Stop The Cavalry (9 Dec)
• I Believe In Father Christmas (23 Dec)
• Chestnuts Roasting... (21 Dec)

Two shows into the strange and bizarre parallel world inhabited by the house of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Battenburg last night. First, THE REAL QUEEN MOTHER investigates Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, the overdraft queen of Scotland. All she ever wanted was to live life in the manner to which she had become accustomed, where women were baby factories and then spend a million a year on silly hats and horse racing. And impose their fusty old values on their children, their grandchildren, and their great-grandchildren.

The show concentrated mainly on the first half of her life, but exploring the events thematically rather than in strict chronological order made for a better programme. Highlights include the meeting between Mrs B-L-S-C-G and Mrs Simpson, where the big-haired one pointedly refused to curtsey. Less was made of the lady's attempted appeasment of Mr Hitler, though tellingly, the royals appeared with Mr Chamberlin to sell out the Czechs to the nation. Nothing about the reports that Old Liz had to be artificially inseminated to reproduce.

Thence to REINVENTING THE ROYALS, in which Dr David Starkey talks us through the slow process of turning the monarchy into something remote and distant (thanks to Vicky Hanover), then into something flamboyant (Eddie Saxe-Coburg-Gotha), then into something more middling (George, George and Lixz.) Interesting parallels between the media darling Eddie Eight, forced to retire hurt to Paris; and Diana Spencer, who also retired hurt in Paris.

Plenty about the subtle ways in which the royals have spun things to their advantage - George Six allowing heavily edited newsreels at his coronation, to disguise his speech impediment. Lixz being pushed and cajoled into letting telly show her crowning, but staging serious rehearsals at Buck House. Surprisingly, no mention of the Christmas broadcast, in which the monarch pontificates to their subjects at great length. Nor of the Burrell trial, which brought the jingoistic fervour of the funeral and jubilee crashing down into a spectacle of complete incompetence.

Speaking of magnificent flying machines, it's hats off and chocks away to the teams on SCRAPHEAP MEGA CHALLENGE. The task: to construct a working plane using 1900s designs, equipment, and tools. Plus a 2002 engine, but having pilots crash land doesn't make good telly on C4. The winning team made it to 200ft due up - on his test flight. When it came to fly for real, he flew for over two minutes, and could clearly have gone most of the way to Tucson. Now, what chance of having one of these jalopies on standby at CDG when Air France loses their regular planes?