Weaver Archive

Sunday December 1

The International Month Of Silly Questions Questions are now available. Goggle at the silliness.

Monthly statistics will follow in a day or so...

Friday November 29

So, Mr George Bush Jr, head of the Corrupt Republican Party of the US, is to ask Mr Henry Kissinger to head an independent investigation into the Sept Eleven crimes against humanity. Mr Kissinger cannot travel to five countries in the European Union, lest he be arrested for his own crimes against humanity during the Vietnam and Chile campaigns.

Could they possibly have picked a person less qualified for the job? Well, Mr bin Laden, a spoiled builder's son from Wetwang, was approached, but turned the job down as he wouldn't exactly be a neutral in the investigation. Mr Irma Firestarter, a notorious arsonist, said that he was unavailable as he was guarding the oil refinery at Prescott Edge. Wolf from the Gladiators was also too busy, investigating an outbreak of sheep maulings in the Welsh valleys.

Ms Beatrice L Zebub, a fishmonger from Hades, said that she had also turned down Mr Bush Jr, as he could not provide any quality sole. And Mr Gordon T Gopher, an omnipotent deity from the Sonoran desert, didn't return our calls, but did turn a glass of plain water into a nice refreshing cactus juice, for which we thank him.

Mr Bush Jr is 39 (days away from invading Iraq)

We're always hip to the latest fashion trends here at The Snow In The Summer Or So-So. Barely a day passes when we don't review Toga Weekly, or see scrolls on the latest sandals from Byzantium.

Our Terra Nova correspondents report that the old trend of jelly bracelets are back, with a twist. Literally. "Jelly bracelets," a morass of slightly pliable glittery plastic, were originally free gifts to go with similar sandals back in the last millennium. After spending some years confined to punks and retro styles, these items are back on the shelves.

According to correspondents, the fad is to wear them in a twisted manner, apparently indicative of carnal knowledge. It's then to grab said bracelet from the person, and pull. Hard. Should the pliable glitter be subjected to an unsustainable strain and break, then the puller obtains said knowledge from the pullee.

As the target market for these things is the ten year old lass, once again we have a combination of some pretty icky things. - The overt sexualisation of pre-teens. - The desire of companies to make a quick buck - Parents supplying the money while either not knowing what the fad is, or not caring what the fad is. Or both. - And it's acceptance that violence is an acceptable way of getting one's leg over.

The School Bully. Time to grow up and rebel against your faux-rebellious image, before someone gets *really* hurt and it blows up in your face.

Where there lacks creativity, you'll find sex.

Who has been left by his upper-class wife after playing Hunt The Sausage with the sister of the girlfriend of an international sportsman and new father figure? And who was unavailable to resolve a firey conflict because he was busily humping his mistress? One of those involved in the tales will happily punch anyone's lights out; another is 17.

Useless stats of the day. Six searches on Thursday alone for Mr David Beckham (a sports player from Essex). That's five more searches than for Miss Angelina Jolie (a sexpot from a pocket in Virginia) and for Mr Anthony Beaumont-Darke (a former media harlot from Birmingham Selly Oak.)

Tracking a rumour: first search at 10:28 Thursday from ISP nextgentel.com. Next at 11:37 from mcc.ac.uk (and their computer named sneezy.) It clearly spread after lunch, with a hit at 13:26 from our spammer friends at netvision.net.il; and another at 14:08 from a UUnet server. (Hope you enjoyed looking at all the pictures and the million sellers, dear visitor.) Finally, people got home, and I got hits at 18:52 from Planet Online, and one at 22:49 from an NTL customer, after the case had featured on NEWS AT TEN PAST TEN.

Thursday November 28

Giles Pilbrow, the producer of ITV's 2DTV, was astounded to be told by the Broadcast Advertising Clearance Centre that he would have to seek permission from a US policitian and two of the world's most notorious mass murderers before he could take the mickey out of them in TV ads.

Mr Pilbrow was first told by the BACC that his original idea for a sketch shot specially for the ad featuring a cartoon image of Mr George Bush Jr putting a copy of the 2DTV video into his toaster was unacceptable because it was "offensive" and could only be broadcast if he secured written permission from the US politician.

Subsequent proposals for ads featuring Mr David Beckham (a sports player from Essex), Mr Saddam Hussein (a tyrant from Iraq) and Mr Osama bin Laden (a spoiled builder's son from Wetwang) were turned down on the same grounds by the BACC, which pre-vets ads to ensure they comply with the independent television commission advertising standards code.

Mr Pilbrow eventually had to settle for an ad featuring Mr Bush laughing after two weeks of haggling with the BACC.

"The ITC advertising code is obviously designed to protect ordinary people. It's surely not there to protect Bush, or despots like Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden," Mr Pilbrow said.

"We came across this bureaucratic wall. Someone is going to come out of this looking very stupid and it's not me."

1. What are you doing on Thursday? Working. Anyone would think it wasn't an ordinary working day. Okay, it's the First Chart Of 2003, but that's about it. (Sidebar: Billboard's chart year runs in a slightly bizarre fashion, from the first chart dated on or after December 1 to the last chart dated on or before November 30. This allows the trade mag to publish the end-of-chart-year charts in their last issue of the year. The practical upshot of this is the first chart of the new chart year is issued on the fourth Thursday of November. Phew. That was hardly worth it.)

2. What are you wearing right now? A decent pair of trews that are going in the wash tomorrow, the shirt I wore to work, and a decently old but still fully functional jumper.

3. Ketchup or Catsup? Ketchup. What's the other, other than an indication that Caggie is off the ground again?

4. Bubbler or Water Fountain? Water tower, in the bizarre slang of the English midlands. Mainly because where they are installed, they're on a tall pedestal.

5. To-may-toe or To-mah-toe? To-mah-to, daaahlinks.

Wednesday November 27

Idly twiddling my knob on the way to work, and chanced upon the opening notes to The Boys Of Summer. Utterly inappropriate for today's weather, but always welcome to the ears. But to move from that to Gretchen (Gretchen!)'s The Secret Of Life shows it's not the oldies station. 3C radio (continuous cool country) has arrived for a 28-day test. Hurrah!

Back in real life, Prudence Black unveils his idea. Growth will be 1.6%, in "the teeth of a global recession" where the US is growing at a piffling 4%pa. Borrowing this fiscal year will be £20bn, up from a projected £11bn in March. Income tax allowances will be frozen - this is an effective tax rise, coming on top of an increase of 1%, further blowing The Party's manifesto below the water line.

Tuesday November 26

The shop assistant. The people who will leave their jobs when customers are snarky and nasty to them.

Were it not for these divine creatures, the wheels of commerce would seize up and grind to a halt, with the inevitable effect that the economy would collapse at a rate of knots. This shock would cause a massive tidal wave to reverberate up the Atlantic, melting the polar ice caps. The sea levels rise and rise, flooding the Great Rift Valley and causing water to go crashing into the centre of the earth. Which will inevitably lead to the entire planet exploding in a shower of sparks, cinders, and worthless pieces of green paper.

So. Don't be nasty to a shop assistant. You don't want to have the end of the world on your conscience.

Another thing off the Consumer's Advent Calendar...

Monday November 25

"Why should we grant government the Orwellian capability to listen at will and in real time to our communications across the Web?"

The next sentence does not pass work's new internet filter unedited: We listened to carnival music until the baby fell asleep.

21. What do you plan to do this summer? ISIHAC.

22. What is your favorite song right now? Probably "Complicated."

24. Write a line from any song. "Envy! Envy! E-e-e-envy!"

25. Do you know at least one disney song by heart? Which one? "We Suck".

26. Describe your dream house. The one I'm in does quite fine.

27. Your typical sleepwear: Peajamas. Full length trews and top.

28. What's in your bag? An umbrella, a lunchbox, and usually a couple of biscuits.

29. What's in your wallet? Cash, credit card, debit card, shopping list, and perhaps a used train ticket or two.

30. How much money do you have in your wallet right now? About six pounds in monnaie.

31. What is your favorite pair of shoes? My (worn out) docs.

32. If you could've gone to your senior prom in a different outfit, what would it be? A really slinky pinky-purple gownless evening strap.

33. How was your senior prom? Annullé.

34. Tell us about any of your birthdays. 1995. Student. Someone comes round claiming to have bought our house, and wants us to move out "for a couple of days" to redecorate. We have a binding lease till June. University comes down on said landlord like a ton of bricks, and he sells up within months. MSCL episode that night: "so-called angels."

35. Would you rather be a hobbit, an elf or a dwarf? An elf. Elves are cuteness on a stick.

36. What are the first five things you would splurge on if you were a billionaire? Private jet, the entire British railway system, the US presidency (prezzie for Lixz), the UK government, and multiple citizenship.

37. What is your daily before-going-to-bed ritual? Go under the covers, turn out the light.

38. What is the weirdest/funniest nickname anyone has ever called you? I(n)ain. Thanks, D(r)unk.

39. Name three of your favorite cartoon characters. Willow (from Buffy); Gabrielle (from Xena); and Lisa Simpson.

40. What are the magazines you read on a regular basis? Private Eye, Observer Sport Monthly, Q, occasional music weeklies, odd copy of Heat and gay press.