Last week, Mark Goodier left the Radio 1 broadcast of the Top 40 Best Sellers In Stores By Volume chart. He'd been doing the job, on and off, for the past twelve years. This week, the first of a number of stand-ins took his place.

Jo Whiley is very much the chelle of the station - utterly passionate about great music, though without the soft spot for kitsch that other station personalities have. (More on that next week.) She's the only daytime presenter able to straddle the pop / indie / dance divide that besets Radio 1 at present, and does so without losing any of her authority.

Jo started the show by making the point that she was the first female presenter of the show in the 42 years it's been on air. She calls H and Claire - two members of the disbanded pop combo Steps - "ridiculous." and extracts the michael from both Minogue siblings. Very fair to all the new entries, even Kelly LLorenna, until we hit #12. This is the "Rhinestone Cowboy" record I briefly had on this site back in May, performed by One Of The Cuban Boys And That Bloke Out Of Bus Stop With Glenn Campbell, You Know, The Bloke Who Had The Original Hit. This quality* tune gets abruptly interrupted after two and a half minutes, with an admonition to those who bought the disk.

Introducing the top 10: "They said that Rikki & Daz [above] would be the worst. They lied." Cue Westlife.

Then, introducing the #8 record, the entire link: "The great records go on and on and on and on." Cue Mariah Cantsing, the original Pap Idle.

By acclamation, this is the best top 40 presenter in ten years. Not that this takes much doing: Goodier and Bruno Brookes were passionless, Clive Warren a direct Goodiebags clone, Scott Mills didn't bring much, and Judge Jules (who did one week in summer 98) was a worthwhile experiment, if only to learn never to repeat it. Next week: Chris Moyles. There will be trouble before bedtime.

What have people travelled here for? Some highlights from my referrer logs.

• drudge report picture of michael jackson
• "jordy chandler"
• who has tara palmer tompkinson dated [everyone except ickle billy windsor. he's robin's.]
• free fake tara palmer tompkinson [do we want a *real* tpt, free or otherwise?]
• nfl mardi gras beaded necklaces [nope, no sense here.]
• summer of gunge
• avril lavigne and her home on angus drive [they look for 'em, i log 'em]
• description of cause or charity on avril lavigne [er, wha'?]
• "chris searle" in at the deep end [a mid 80s show in which mr searle trained to be a bookmaker or a deep sea diver or something equally silly. like jim'll fix it, only in real life.]
• fake n furter celebrity [a celebrity fake'n'further. they'll love this at team 4.5]
• garth gates album cover [who? read again!]
• d list celebrity list
• c list celebrity carry on at this rate and you'll hit melinda next.]

Canadian Prime Minister Mr Jean Chretien has, rather shame-facedly, distanced himself from a senior official who called Mr George Bush Jr "a moron." "He (Bush) is a friend of mine, he is not a moron at all," Chretien told reporters in Prague, where he was attending a NATO summit to discuss expanding the alliance. A Chretien spokesman in Ottawa declined to comment on the reports, saying they were "an internal matter."

The spokesman, unidentified in the press but believed to be Chretien's communications officer, made the accurate remarks during a press briefing Wednesday evening. He went on to say that Mr Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, was a "closet thatcherite"; that the Toronto Maple Leafs were "a sorry excuse for a hockey team," and that the tool used for shovelling snow was "a spade."

In 1997, Chretien remarked in front of an open microphone that he liked to stand up to the Americans because it was popular. He comes from the left wing of Canada's ruling Liberal Party, which has often looked upon US Republican juntas with suspicion.

Tensions between the two countries have risen in recent months. Canada is locked in trade disputes with its insignificant southern neighbour over softwood lumber exports and wheat exports. Ottawa also strongly opposes the idea of a unilateral US attack on Iraq. According to Canadian media reports, White House officials privately refer to the 68-year-old Chretien as "dino," short for dinosaur.

During his unsuccessful 2000 campaign, Mr Bush Jr confused Mr Chretien with "Mr Poutine," the President of Russia. Mr Bush Jr is 43 (days away from invading Iraq.)

1. How do you feel about the BCS? Fine for those who insist on hob-nobbing amongst geeks, but not for yer average computer chap in the street.

2. What is within arm's reach of where you're at right now? Computer, monitor, keyboard, mouse, pen, paper, vitamins, about five blank CDs, CD markers, pencil, stamps, English-to-French dictionary, lamp, desk calendar.

3. Why are you such a big boy? That's what we want you to think.

4. If you could remove any single channel from your cable system permanently, which one would it be? Does Front Row, the pay-to-view movie network count? If not, probably Murdoch "News".

5. Do you want fries with that? No. If I did, I would have explicitly asked for them.

Private charity, anyone? Wednesday was World Children's Day (R) (TM) a fund-raising partnership between international peace-loving organisation McDonalds, and the doveish figleaf of Republican policy the United Nations. "We're not asking you to give money," the self-proclaimed singer Céline Dion told viewers in the US Wednesday morning. "We're asking you to eat at McDonald's."

In 2000, for the first time ever, the US fast-food industry gained, in net terms, no new customers at all. The behemoth is now set to close 150 outlets across the world, and pull out entirely of three countries. Targets for closure may include the flagship Oxford Street branch, and the one in Hampstead that has been patronised mainly by the crew of FLAME-GRILLED ACADEMY.

And finally, a little skit about who's in china. It's not my work. It's far too good to be my work.

The US dictatorship? Claims from the far left that have a certain ring of truth - show me someone who believes the Warren commission and I'll show you a credulous twit - but looks to rely on a lot of circular logic.

1. WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND YOUR NAME? It is. I do.

2. NAME FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE PIG-OUT FOODS. Pizza, chocolate, apple juice, toast, and that's enough.

3. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A MAKEOVER? No, in spite of Fiona's best* efforts.

4. NAME ALL MEMBERS OF THE BEATLES. Er... Gobo, Mokey, Wembley, Boober and Red?

5. WHAT'S THE LONGEST TIME YOU'VE STAYED OUT OF THE COUNTRY/WHERE? Probably the seventeen days touring eastern Canada with school in summer 91.

6. ONE THING YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR, TODAY. It's not snowing.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY? Getting told to "go have a Newky Brown" by the year head after receiving my exam results. Pur-lease! Does she think I got AAAB by drinking *that* fowl concoction?

8. WHAT IS THE MOST INSANE THING YOU'VE DONE FOR/TO YOUR CRUSH THAT HE/SHE MIGHT NOT/MIGHT KNOW ABOUT? Hinted that said crush is said crush, with the regular risk of being laughed at like a hyena. That seems to cover all bases.

9. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING. If you must... Very small - meself, whoever else, Rev Vic, and two witnesses. Though keeping it loose seems to be the best bet.

10. WOULD YOU EVER JOIN TEMPTATION ISLAND? Let's look at Wok One's schedule:
2230 - It Shouldn't Be On Television!
2300 - Temptation Island
I rest my case.

11. NAME THREE TEACHERS YOU LIKED IN HIGH SCHOOL/ELEMENTARY.Mrs Giles (high), the madcap northern maths teacher.
Mrs Guy (primary 2), who ripped up the plan of work and allowed us brains to race a year ahead.
Mr Chadwick (high), the economics teacher who saw nothing wrong with drinking fine wines in Parisian bars with his students.

12. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE QUOTE? WHAT IS IT? "I have no quote" - Songmonk (from whom I nicked this feature.)

13. MY FIRST HEARTBREAK HAPPENED WHEN I WAS: "Gifted" a sister.

14. THE SCHOOL PICTURE YOU BURIED IN YOUR BOTTOM DRAWER? Pretty much all of them.

15. DO YOU HAVE ANY WEIRD PREFERENCES? WHAT ARE THEY? Does having high standards of written English still count as strange?

16. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? The need to breed.

17. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? Jaeda.

18. NAME ONE TV CHARACTER YOU'D MOST WANT TO BE. Amy Barksdale. (There's an appropriate if obscure choice.)

19. IF YOU WERE FAMOUS, AND WERE TO BE A GUEST ON A TALK SHOW, WHOSE SHOW WOULD YOU CHOOSE? WHY? Chris Moyles'. Just be yourself. Like "yourself" is something definite, like a toaster.

20. DO YOU HAVE ANY WEIRD SLEEPING HABITS? Well, going to bed before midnight on the weekend strikes my neighbores as odd, but then they're lowbrow plonkers.

Good news for Dr Frost: The School Bully is in town for some promotional work ahead of her second single. It's being released into the oh-so-important Christmas Market on Dec 16. I don't expect it to beat the Popstars singles first week out, but there's a decent chance that it'll be the best seller for the week containing Christmas. Then a week of Westfile, then perhaps a second shot at the top.

Anywhoo, here's a quick cut-out-n-throw-away interview with little miss wear legwarmers on yer arms:

Question: [something about the album]
Answer: Yeah, like, whatever. [rolls eyes]

Question: [anything about the faux-punk stuff]
Answer: Like, dude! Whatever. [rolls eyes, pouts]

Question: [about the tour]
Answer: Whatever, dude. [turns head, pouts]

Question: [about the notional boyf]
Answer: Yeah, dude, whatever. [rolls eyes, turns head]

Question: [about the notional girlf]
Answer: Like, dude, yeah. [pouts]

Yes, you too can have the unadulterated pleasure of interviewing Avril Lavigne in your own home. For some value of "pleasure."

ONES

Favorite toy as a child: Books.

Least favorite family member: Annoying cousin Ash.

A book I would recommend: "Thin Skin" - Emma Forrest.

Most embarrassing cd in my collection: Probably "Teletubbies: The Album."

One person I really miss: Cory.

One thing I'd prefer to be doing right now: Yes please.

One thing that will always make me laugh when I think of it: Michael "I made a terrible mistake" Jackson. Only one? Which was that?

One regular annoyance in my life I could do without: English drivers.

Rumours that the Republican lock on the US Senate is not certain. The byzantine Louisiana rules insist on a run-off race between the sitting Democrat and the best Republican, as the Democrat didn't obtain an overall majority two weeks ago. That second round takes place early next month, and is expected to result in a Dem hold, leaving the standings R 50, D 49, Ind 1. But then factor in the token Republicans John McCain (Arizona) and Lincoln Chaffee (Rhode Island). Both have indicated their unhappiness with the policies of the current Republican leadership - indeed, McCain put forward a strong but unsuccessful challenge to candidate Bush Jr in 2000. According to the rumour, both may defect to the Dems, returning the majority to that party.

TWOS

2 things I've broken this past year:
1) A vase left in my house by the previous occupants.
2) chelle's rubric.

2 most important body parts:
1) Eyes
2) Ears

2 places in the world I really want to visit:(that I haven't been to already)
1) New York (Ewark airport doesn't count)
2) Ireland

2 websites I visit regularly:
1) www.guardian.co.uk
2) www.ukgameshows.com

2 things I'm proud of:
1) Weaver's Week. 96 columns and they might be quarter-way decent one of these years.
2) Being the baddest-assed second line support at work.

2 things I'm not proud of:
1) Having a sore head for most of 98.
2) My body.

My analysis of million sellers goes to show how quickly sales have fallen off. Five years ago, we had five million sellers, two more that shifted 800,000, and three half-millions in the top 10 at once. This year, apart from the various POP IDLE records, *nothing* has passed the 800,000 sales that turn a Large hit into a Super Hit, and only Enrique and Junkie XL have clearly passed half a million. The way things are going, I reckon the two bands currently being thrown together on POPSTARS could well achieve the feat Hera'sey nearly managed, and sell half their career singles in the first six days. That might only lead to a total of 600,000 copies, a minor disaster for the format and not necessarily enough to take positions 1 and 2 in the sales chart that week. Look out for releases from reject The Cheeky Girls, some Eurocrap from Otzi and Hermes House, and the long-awaited second single from Avril The School Bully.

The PLANE ACADEMY winner, selected on Dec 5, is going to have to choose their moment carefully. The Christmas releases come out on Dec 16, and that's too soon for a turnaround. Nothing comes out on Dec 23, Westlife has a new release on Dec 30 and has surely sewn up that chart. Jan 6 is open, but Russian minxes Tatu will take Jan 13. Late January looks ripe for the taking, nothing obvious before Appleton on Feb 10, but fashions can change quickly. And will we still remember Whoever Wins after eight weeks? Indeed, will we still remember the winner to a show that's getting cheesier by the week after Christmas? I'm not convinced.

Dead Ringers comes to BBC2. It's excellent on the radio, but loses a little in translation to the small screen. It's probably because there are more visual gags, but it's good to see some of the best wireless sketches repeated almost exactly.

The Three Two One quiz - day one:

3 things I would never say:
1) Yeah, steak's sounding great.
2) Eminem? Liberal poet for our times.
3) No, Microsoft products really are the best solution for your problem.

3 foods I would never eat:
1) British beef.
2) Or any other British meat.
3) Or even meat from elsewhere in the world.

3 things I would never do and why:
1) Be a best man at a wedding that takes more than a week to plan. Been there, done that, never again.
2) Go upside down on a rollercoaster. Lunch is best inside me.
3) Fly to Paris; getting there is tough, getting back is for someone with weeks to spare.

3 movies I really love:
1) (er...) Romeo + Juliet
2) Conan the Barbarian
3) Lara Croft: In Flight Movie

3 things I want to do before I die:
1) Reconciliation
2) Visit all my friends
3) Have something published in a national newspaper

3 most gorgeous people in the world:
1) Available
2) On
3) Application

3 things that would make me curse or swear:
1) People who expect me to solve their problems by waving a magic wand.
2) English car drivers, the worst in the Western world.
3) Delays caused by incompetence.

3 things in my fridge right now:
1) Milk
2) Yoghurts
3) Cheese

3 ridiculous facts I happen to know:
1) The UK and US counts of number ones coincided when Gareth Gagagagates hit the top this March. The UK has led since.
2) That it's 91 miles (give or take a few chains) from Leamington to Marylebone via Bicester.
3) That handys give off a buzz that interferes with radio reception.