Difficult choice of telly last night: LIQUID ASSETS: JACKO'S MILLIONS on BBC Choice or CONTROL FREAKS on C4. On the grounds that I can't find a rerun for the Jacko show, that won.

Max Flint discusses just how much the self-proclaimed King Of Pap is worth, and how the Thriller album transformed a successful act into a phenomenon. And how he's not managed to figure out that his income is falling fast, and he's not reducing his expenditures to match. His net worth is of the order of USD 250 million, but most of that is tied up in the Northern Songs catalogue, his own songwriting royalties and the Neverland ranch. If he needs dosh quickly, one or more of those will have to go.

Because mp3 is not a crime (dot org) per se.

He may be an idiot, but he's an idiot from Texas - Ben Elton in Stark, written in 1988.

Well, we didn't see *that* coming. It turns out that former British Prime Minister Mister John Major had a four year affair with failed Health minister, failed Euro MP and failed broadcaster Mrs Edwina Currie. The BBC's political correspondent says the revelation has no political significance, but it's still fascinating. Major says the affair was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done while Mary Archer, wife of old lag Jeffy, says this was a gross error of judgement from John. My reaction: fifteen seconds of hysterical laughter at the thought of John Major having an affair, then gross revulsion at the thought of *anyone* having an affair with Eggwina.

I'm reminded of the false claims in early 1993 that the PM was having an affair with Claire Latimer, a caterer. He wasn't, but the mere mention of this in the Weekly Blairite brought out the libel lawyers, and token damages of £1001. If only we'd known at the time: news of an affair didn't hurt Paddy Ashdown's prospects before the 92 election.

[Discussion of potential bias when tossing the new 10p piece deleted, on the grounds that my only source is a first-hand report of a non-exhaustive experiment, significant at 93% confidence. I've not found any other evidence to back it up.] The New 10p piece is ten years old this week.

Which sets me thinking about my opening week at uni. Up boozing late (fib); making great friends (fact; waves); laughing at Mellor's resignation (fact) and at GLADIATORS (fib) and at Radio 1's 25th birthday celebrations. These days, Mellor is not even a radio presenter, GLADIATORS has bitten the dust, and Radio 1 pretends that nothing happened before 1996.

Jeffy Archer has been removed from his open prison, for faintly trustworthy convicts. He's been relocated to Lincoln Prison, a far nastier place. His crime? Lying. What's he done this time? Told fibs. And he's been to a lunch party at Gillian Shepherd's house while on day release. This gives us yet another chance to call the peer a plonker. And we're not going to pass it up.

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind?
A good book, a warm bath, some decent television, somewhere to write my thoughts, and being able to think about quality friends.

2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands?
Open the door. What a dumb-ass question. Do you expect me to walk straight through the mass of wood and glass as if I were some form of spectre?
OK, in the spirit... Open door, take shoes off, change trousers. Maybe have a shower. Sometimes spin and hang up the washing. Usually put the dinner going. Then laugh at some telly station or other.

3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells?
Cut grass, oak, fresh running water.

4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself?
The friends who read this regularly are the #1 choice, but pick between casual friends and solitude and the latter will win out.

5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't?
Shouting at the telly. No, really. Joining in on a good catchphrase, or yelling "You *pillock*", or cheering for the good guys.

Avril Lavigne: skater punk, hype of the quarter, talented songstress, school bully, misunderstood kid? You decide.

One for the team: Work has decided that its Christmas party will take place December 23. I have no intention of sitting through an almost inedible three-micro-course lukewarm meal served at a snail's pace while everyone else gets so drunk that they make a fool of themself. Yet I don't have the vacation time to book the day off. Hmm. What's a chap to do?

The concept "get lost between the office and the venue and wind up at home" has served me well in the past. I've managed to "accidentally" get lost on the one mile journey from the motorway to the football ground, and wind up at the train station. But that won't wash this time, the trip from office to venue is measured in tens of feet. Hmm. A little bit of creative dissonnance is called for. Perhaps along the lines of staying a little later than the rest of the office, talking to someone on the telebalance unit, then vanishing into the ether while they're not looking.

We shall see. I have twelve and a half weeks to concoct the perfect plan, or just one that allows me to leave at the right moment and get the shopping in.

Too many people don't realize that when you download a song you like from a peer-to-peer network or some other unauthorized Internet source, what you're doing is stealing music, claims Birtney's Pears. On a very real level, Birtney is talking a load of tosh.

As an intellectual concept, music cannot be stolen. It is only the expression of music in a recorded form that can be nicked. You swipe a CD from UltraRecordStore? That disk is now out of the economy forever. You take a p2p copy of Birtney's latest release, the original is still in the economy. Nothing has been stolen.

The RIAA tends to forget that the transition from CD to OGG (or lesser format) is a work of art in itself; while the new work is clearly derivative of the old, it is distinctly different. It's like the reproduction Monet hanging in my parents' living room: we all know it's a derivative of the original, but that doesn't make it any less of an actual artwork.

Now, if Ms Pears would like to discuss this further, I have a couch for this purpose.

The Fictional Fifteen: a quiz show's worth of people who are a) very rich, and b) don't exist. Is Mr Burns richer than Mr Wonka? Does Goldfinger have more moola than Cruella de Vil? And which feathered fiend has more: Scrooge McDuck or J R E Wing?

[Warning: article contains major spoilers for THE GREAT GATSBY]

Bubbling under the list... Bertie Wooster, Lara Croft, Ming the Merciless (though Forbes may be restricting itself to Earth) Ozymandias, Dr Evil, Ronald McDonald, and George "Dubya" Bush.

All baby stuff must feature at least one and preferably all of the following

• Badly drawn cartoons of retarded looking ducks
• Polka dots
• Colour combinations dreamt up by the devil in a bad mood, like peach and brown or lime green and navy
• Unbelievable tweeness (like, how am I going to *find* my baby under all those frills?)
• Buttons that, when pressed, play tinkly twinkle music
• Nylon

tilly's live journal

New scientific research shows... having a cappuccino immediately before having your legs (or chest) waxed helps to numb the pain. Apparently, the combination of caffeine and chocolate draws the blood away from the surface of the skin, and dulls the nerve endings, resulting in less of an "Owowowowowowowow" moment.

Hmm. I feel a short session of Compare And Contrast coming on...

First, can you tell these people apart? One of them is the daughter of St Bob Geldorf, the other is a widely-respected German social commentator...

Arsehole of the day: Ian Jewell's suspicions were aroused when he realised that West Somerset council's toilet rolls - supposed to contain 320 sheets - were running out too quickly. A count of several rolls confirmed that they were in fact only 200 sheets long. After considerable squabbling (the manufacturer, Allscan, tried to sue the council, who in turn took the firm to court), West Somerset was awarded GBP18,000 compensation. Mr Jewell said the money would be spent on upgrading local public conveniences. It doesn't sound like much, but every year the council uses an estimated 40,000 loo rolls - that's a lot of paper.

Back to Compare And Contrast. One is Dave MacPherson, the lead singer of British punk-rock band Inme, the other is Claire Danes in her signature role as Angela Chase...

Elsewhere, we see at least three people say

emergency "there's a tube strike" route to work quicker and more pleasant than normal journey.

Record of the week? That would be Just Like a Pill, so it would.

Still playing catchup a little: last night's telly.

Today With Chris Moyles - The self-proclaimed Saviour Of Radio One moves to television with a show set in a London pub. The opening five minutes is a tightly packaged and well-written series of comments on the day's news.
Then there's a feature in which five callers are brought up on the blower, and have to guess what was the first word into Chris' head when he saw a photo. This could be hugely entertaining, but doesn't quite work.
After the break, there's a chat with the invited audience, then one of them slides a glass of beer down a long bar. If it lands on a star at the end, chucker wins a grand; if it lands elsewhere, either Moyles or the audience pretends to get an electric shock. (Did we say "pretend." What a goof. Of course it's real!) And, er, that's it.
The whole thing shows promise, but there's a certain sparkle missing from the show at this stage.

Not a classic Monday Mission this week. Full questions at the link, these are the edited highlights.

1. Do you like to drink warm beverages in the morning or do you prefer yours cold?
A warm tea or coffee and a lukewarm fruit juice, if you'd be so kind. In the UK, we need both.

4. Are there any clothes you refuse to throw away even though they don't (and never will) fit? Why do you keep them?
No, though there are a couple of clothes I keep only for scrap - to wear when painting or gardening.

That AMERICAN IDLE contract in full. Ouch.

This spotted on usenet, probably a group effort by atrios.blogspot.com.

If you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq (clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq (clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it,
And you really want to show it
If you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq

You kinda get the gist of this, I hope. Here's the other middle lines...

If your equities are falling,
and your losses are appalling

If the euro keeps on climbing,
put your trust in W's timing,

If the GDP is shrinking,
And W's back to drinking

If my polls are falling,
and Congress is stalling

If the GOP is hurtin'
And November looks uncertain

If the talk has turned to Harken,
and that Krugman-dawg is barkin',

If they're checking Halliburton
And for Cheney jail looks certain

If your brother is a turkey
And Florida's goin' bazerk-y

If the pundits call you moron
Then it's time to get your war on

If Noelle gets caught with crack
and the twins drop booze for smack

To divert public attention
From the doings of your henchmen

To get drilling in the Artic, bomb Iraq,
You can run us out of oil,
With the Middle East aboil,
To get drilling in the Artic, bomb Iraq.

The Bible According To St Tony receives another chapter: the Letter About The Iraqis' Weapons. The Vicar of Albion claims that Iraq could build a nuclear weapon within two years, if it were to have all the required parts. A quick call to our local university physics department confirmed that they could probably build a working nuclear device in about a year, from receipt of materials to a test detonation in a wasteground (Aston Uni.)
Meanwhile, It's a chemical weapon. It's made for use in Iraq!. Tonight's scheduled repeat of the AbFab episode 'Parallox' containing this line is cancelled.

Spent most of the weekend revising to take A+ exam (basic, but work wants it, and it'll give me leverage) and passed easily today. Still a bit scary, mind.

A brief review of the weekend's telly, such as I saw.

The Daily Show goes worldwide, with a global edition airing overnights on CNN. Jon Stewart explains the format - news bulletins (why Lance Bass isn't going into space, and deep fat fries,) a spoof report - why Cookie Monster is leading the nation's children into all sorts of debauchery. Then an interview with Matthew Perry, the future Mr Lisa Forrest, on why he wears specs. A brief insert on celeb magazines, and footage of a man losing his trews to a bull. Good stuff, apart from the overly-draggy Perry interview.

Daria explores the topic of going steady, with a sidebar on what it means to be a man in an environment full of women. Makes me wonder: how come Jake and Trent didn't bond outside of "Daria!"?

CNN .de election was going to be a four hour gabfest from studios overlooking the Reichstag, with CNN's uberanchor Jonathan Mann presiding. Only fate decided to play its hand. Moments before the show started, the studio suffered a power cut, and all we saw of the expensively-rented suite was a 15 minute conversation between Mann and the man from Der Spiegel. Over in Atlanta, the backup announcer cuts between Robin Oakley at the prematurely-celebrating CDUCSU, and the chap at the winning PDS, and n:tv feeds of major speeches translated by someone with a very monotonous voice. A technical disaster, but full marks for a viewable show.

Liar! - Jeffy Archer's house of lies and lies and lies. And some fibs. And a few untruths, too.