Hey, a guy's got to revise for his forthcoming exams sometime.

Record of next week is Dilemma, the US #1.
In the UK, we're all very pleased with Kelly Osbourne, securing the Highest New Entry at #4. And we're laughing into our teacakes as drunken Irish karaoke singer Ronan Cheating is beaten into third place by a bunch of failed Popstars - the most boring singer in christendom can only make #8. There's no stopping Vanessa Carlton, #1 for the third time this year; nor Avril Lavigne, who makes #5 without officially releasing her record in the UK. This is the highest position anyone has reached on pre-release, and (just to rub it in) is three places higher than Ronan. Blows huge raspberries.

A trip back into the city, mainly to pick up some new trews and some groceries. Also stop off at the charity store, where they've had an influx of Promo Only disks. Still prepared to stick two fingers up to the record companies, I buy a shedload.

U F Off is a sampler from the Orb's "best of" collection from a few years ago. It contains all their big hits, in the mixes radio loves.

I'm The Only One ep, Melissa Etheridge's AC #1 (!!!) from 1995. This actually got a commercial release, and I have one of perhaps 1000 copies in the UK.

Summertime Thing, a US promo copy for Chuck Prophet's AAA single. It's the hit of the summer, for some value of "the" that is not 2002.

Our Label, a sampler for Parlophone's 2001 releases. Includes Radiohead, Gorillaz, Idlewild, and the original version of Dirty Vegas' Days Go By. Also a Gorillaz computer game. I'm yet to play this.

Claire, a sampler from Claire Sweeney's album. It comes complete with a puff piece. All typography is per the original...

Last spring we all fell in love with Claire Sweeney. You, me, and most of the UK. Her natural enthusiasm, humour and zest for life has us all addicted to Celebrity Big Brother. She entered the house as a Brookside regular with a budding acting career. She left the house as the nation's sweetheart. A star was born

'Scuse me for interrupting, but WTF? Lest we forget, Sweeney was overshadowed in CBB by winner Jack Dee, and by the completely mental Vanessa Feltz. She was almost as anonymous as Keith the Irish guy. But I do like the way the piece suggests she never acted in Brookie...

Within a year Claire Sweeney has continued to dominate the national consciousness through various TV projects and an acclaimed starring role in the West End production of 'Chicago'.

Without a doubt, her true love and passion is music. She was raised on a steady diet of Frank Sinatra and Barbra Streisand. And it didn't stop there. Her record collection expanded as her wages rose. She sang in school productions. She sang in the shower. She toured the world singing on cruise ships.

And now, she's finally been able to realise her dreams by singing in the studio. Last year Claire Sweeney signed a recording deal with Telstar after much competition from other labels. She's spent most of this year working on the album.

Simply titled 'Claire', the album features a beguiling combination of original songs such as 'When You Believe' which will be Claire's first single, lost classics 'Too Much Love Will Kill You' and 'I Hope You Dance' and all-time classics 'This Girl's In Love With You' and 'My Heart Will Go On.'

So enjoy the music. And long live the love affair.

So, if you've not fallen asleep with that tedious puffery (a submission to PSEUDS CORPORATE springs to mind,) what's on the disk. Open with that When You Believe thing, a dull, anodyne ballad that has been reasonably tailored to Sweeney's shortcomings. There's also a version of Bacharach and David's The Look Of Love, not the best version, but it does.

I spoke back in July about the poor cover of What If. On second listen, it's - er - even worse than first time round. Whether we knew it or not, Winslet is able to carry a complex tune in a way that Sweeney can't. The original gains from its sparse nature. The cover sounds like a dodgy version done by someone on a cruise ship.
LeeAnn Womack's sublime I Hope You Dance was a sublime sweet, whipped as light as a feather, and clearly good for you. By comparison, this remake is as leaden as a bad sponge pudding.
Does Sweeney have a future as a singer? Quite possibly, she's very marketable and will attract a following from her work on stage and other public works. Will she ever be a good singer? She might be, but she's not there yet.

It's Friday, it's five to five.

1. What was/is your favourite subject in school? Why? It varied. Math was usually high on the list; at times it was French (Primary 6), Geography (First form), Latin (Third form), Computer studies (Fourth), Sociology (much of the Sixth).

2. Who was your favourite teacher? Why? In Primary, probably Mrs Guy of P3, who didn't hold back us high-fliers, and set a standard that the teachers in P4 (and P5, to a lesser extent) totally squandered. I was never any good at PE, but I tried, and Mr Mirza really appreciated that. Mr Bickley (social studies in the Fourth and Fifth) challenged and forced us to think. And Mr Chadwick (from second term of the Sixth) was Economics and personal advice.

In terms of technical ability, I'd give credits to Mrs Hallam (French, Third through Fifth). She took over from an utterly crap teacher, who insisted that reel-to-reel tape and dialogues were all we needed to learn the lingo. After the area reorganised, I got someone who could use different techniques and helped turn a B/C student into a solid A.

3. What is your favourite memory of school? The proliferation of unofficial school magazines. Thanks* to perpetual industrial action by teachers, we didn't have an official magazine for about three years. Unofficial mags popped up in its place. First they were mimeographed using those smelly purple printed sheets. One issue was photocopied. Then, as we matured and home publishing became easier, we got into doing the whole thing at home and distributing it out of school. The authorities tried to suppress the mags, and fold them in to their own dreary sheet, but it was a losing battle.
There was only trouble when one of the publications a) charged, and b) launched some seriously unfunny attacks on other students. Teachers were fair game, as a result of their position. Politicians and other public figures were totally fair game, and there was tacit encouragement to bash senior politicos. But other students, especially in the vicious way this attack was delivered, was beyond the pale.

4. What was your favourite recess game? Probably Blockio, where the object was to get from one safe area to another without getting tagged by the person on. Cheap and silly and went when they allowed footballs in Primary 6.

5. What did you hate most about school? The years above. There really was a massive divide between the class of 89/91 and the class of 90/92; we could barely stand each other. That was totally absent with the class of 91/93, and I never knew why.

Some classmates...
Pollard
Fozzers
Pete Cashmore

Edit, May 2003 - Mr Cashmore informs us that "the Peter Cashmore who wrote the piss-poor 'Story Of Grandpas' is ANOTHER Pete Cashmore. Some lame-ass journalist in Aberdeen. Please take that off your site." Always glad to oblige.

Edit, November 2003 - *Another* Mr Cashmore writes: "To set the record straight - I'll have to confess that I'm the Peter Cashmore responsible for that piss-poor story. I wrote it when I was about 11 and recently a mate of mine thought it would be a laugh to submit it to some competition. Just shows that some people will publish any old shit. Somehow it's ended up everywhere. I can't get rid of it. (BTW: where'd you get that journalist stuff from?) So yes, I am partially responible for filling the internet with this sort of crap. Sorry."

If there are any more people called Pete Cashmore or Peter Cashmore reading who want to contribute, please find some other forum.

It's very difficult to track down female friends, as they have this habit of changing their name. If you remember me, drop a line:

That US Report On Iraq In Full:

1. Iraq has violated Security Council resolutions 660, 662 and 703 pertaining to the minimum depth of snow in central Baghdad.
2. We believe a report in which an Iraqi defector says he visited 20 secret facilities for producing chemical, biological and nuclear weapons, in spite of the obvious counter-evidence.
3. We allege an array of human rights violations, ranging from not letting people watch NEIGHBOURS to having a football team that can't beat the US. It is Portugal we're talking about here, isn't it...
4. Accuses Iraq of concealing biological weapons program from UN inspectors, but showing them to United Nations staff.
5. Cities accounting inconsistencies regarding chemical weapons, drawing attention to the accounting inconsistencies regarding Enron and Halliburton.
6. Says Iraq "probably" could build a nuclear warhead within months if it got plutonium or enriched uranium from another country, just like every other country on the planet. And Radio 4 - that would stop people from not listening to EWAN YORS.
7. Concludes that Iraq doesn't have nuclear weapons capability and probably lacks systems needed to deliver chemical, biological or nuclear weapons. Says "Oh, burger." At least, I think that what he say. I need to hear it on Memoryhex cassette. To be sure.
8. "Ah come ta kill the man what tried ta gun down mah paw."
9. Er...
10. That's it.

[Report summarised by CNN. Noodles 'n' chicken, anyone?]

Two Headed Turtle Found in Miami. Splinter says, "Good stuff."

Rabbit's penis grown in lab. Anya says, "See! Fake interlock mechanism! Evil! Vengeance! Please give me all your money!"

We have official partner hotels. Well, we would, if they greased my palm with folding stuff. That's a hint, visitor from Barriott Hotels.

Ah, the old Where Were Thou When... thread returns. September Eleven is figured as part of the Monday Mission (below).

As for the rest...
Dead Royal (1): Watching AUNTIE'S SILLIEST BLOOMERS, and just getting to the point where an MS error appears on a computer displaying a backdrop to a story about Microsoft. Fade to black. Up pops a still of Ballet. (This is *still* utterly wrong as an ident. Deal.) Duty anno calls for "an important announcement." He lied. It's Peter Sissons and his burgundy tie and a picture of Lixz Windsor-Bowes. original entry and fallout.

Dead Royal (2): Heading downstairs to wake my squeeze and watch some early morning telly. Nope, David Mellor (!) is gassing on with Peter Sissons and Martyn Lewis. We have a crash.

Tory Meltdown: I'd left the country on the Saturday before the election, expecting a Labour majority of around 100. Taking Thursday evening away from the telly, it wasn't until Friday morning that I found the result, with live coverage of the Rev Blair taking up his new vicarage. Gobsmacked was the word.

Major Resigns: The Thursday halfway between my final Uni exam and the results coming out. No courses to take, no papers to write, hot sun, laying about, avoiding the worst of the heat by staying inside between lunch and tea. That was the day of the third-place playoff in the rugby world cup, an event in which I had absolutely no interest. With Radio 5 taking live commentary on some men kicking about an overgrown pig's bladder, I retune to Nigel Wrench and PM on Radio 4, where there's a regular news bulletin. Then, completely apropos of nothing, comes the word. "John Major has resigned."

The Wall Comes Down: This just kinda happened, the forces of history, realpolitik, and the new facts on the ground combined to make it inevitable. If the closing weeks of 1989 not also brought the inevitable end of my granny's life, it would be a Halcyon Era. Still one of the most vivid and amazing times of my life.

Well, hello to my visitors from the Australian Military. I think you'll find everything you're looking for.

It was bad enough dealing with the original, real, and terrible event. Now it's the usual whorepundits spinning it like Rumpelstiltskin.

Must we relive the past? There is nothing we can do to change it. Look toward the future, that is the only certainty we may mould. The past is set in stone. Those who have lived through it, accepted it for what it is, and moved on, have made a wiser choice than those that keep looking back.

The wound was rent open
Thousands upon thousands of
blood drops
spilled out
The passage of time has helped to
bind the wound
Perhaps the wound has slightly healed
Enough to get off the invalid couch
Enough to carry on building the imperfect world
We need not forget the loss
yet the future stretches in front of us
The loss is part of us
irretrievably
interminably
The future is part of us
now and forever.

The true measure of intelligence and wisdom is knowing that you do not know it all. US-style conservatives tell you that they have the answer to everything if you'd just quit thinking and do as they say. It's all in this one little book and this one little piece of very early legislation. That's all you need to know.

Rush Limbaugh and Tony Blair can be summed up very easily as "know-it-alls".

Thinkers realise there *are* tough problems in the world with difficult solutions. The world is a myriad of greys, with very few black and white areas. Blairism relies on elements of the supernatural - divine revelation of The True (Third) Way - more than critical thought.

Blairites are a primitive, superstitious lot. Look at the way Zippy has converted Tony to her brand of chanting. It's precisely why the government still puts more stock in CEO than in PhD.

It's not all on that pledge card, or else we would have figured it out already. Sometimes you have to look past the rhetoric and realise how very little of the world you live in fits your source material.

Education broadens your mind. After a master's degree (MBAs do not count) most people realize that the preacher in their church back home didn't have a monopoly on what is "right". Neither does the Vicar of St Albion's.

Well, this rather sucks. Just about the only reason for travelling by Vermin trains (other than when Chiltern has been closed for trackworks) is the Value 1st tickets. They allow one to move in the First Class cabin, with complimentary cups of tea and snacks, for slightly less than a saver return, so long as one books a week in advance. Sadly, Vermin has decided to axe these tickets, removing their one Unique Selling Point. Chiltern doesn't offer advance purchase First Class tickets, for the quite simple reason that the company doesn't offer First Class in the first place.

More problems in Miami. A group laughingly called "Take Back Miami Dade" is trying to repeal recent equality ordnances. The campaign, backed by groups professing to be both fundamentalist and christian, has been working hard to get out the black church-going vote. The "African-American Council of Christian Clergy" has joined the campaign. Leaflets tell parishioners that "homosexuals' income is nearly five times that of African Americans". What, we idly wonder, is the income of a black gay?

A spokespawn said over the weekend: "It is my solemn civic duty and right to alert the US department of justice, the US attorney general, John Ashcroft, and the FBI to the massive elections fraud, with respect to the repeal referendum." Apparently, they're getting in their retaliation before losing their vote, and claiming the sort of election fraud that Jeb Bush tried to pull off two years ago. The Democrats have said that if this measure goes through, Miami can forget about hosting the party convention in 2004. We idly wonder: shall we just nuke Florida and be done with it?

When the producer of TOP OF THE POPS calls the basis of his show "disfunctional", "lacking credibility", and "cynical", it's clear that there's a serious problem. With the veteran pop programme marking its 2011th transmission this week, producer Chris Cowey calls the Best Sellers In Stores By Volume chart completely past it. He calls for airplay to be included in the tabulation of the most popular tracks, for discounted releases to receive discounted positions, and threatens to break from the sales straitjacket if reform is not agreed by the record companies.

At the end of the day, we have a problem. The Best Sellers chart is, as its name suggests, a list of the best sellers in stores. It is accurately compiled, and provides a wealth of data to the record companies and other interested parties. Thirty, twenty, perhaps ten years ago, this Best Sellers list was also a good indication of the Most Popular Recordings Right Now.

This is no longer the case. Record companies have been able to manipulate the weekly rankings to their short-term advantage, but their long-term loss. A side effect is that the Best Sellers chart is nowhere near the Most Popular Recordings list. Cowey wants to base his show on the MPR, as that makes good entertainment. The record companies want to know what's selling, as that's their revenue stream.

What's the problem? The public needs to be convinced that this change will make good entertainment. How to convince them? Just go ahead and do it. Create this Most Popular Recordings chart. Take the opportunity and brand it the Top Of The Pops MPR list. Create a fantastic show from this list. Cross-promote it on Radio 1. Heck, use it in place of the BSISBV chart on that station's weekly rundown. It will be at least as entertaining as the commercial rival, and might well help to close the gap on Foxy.

How might the new chart look? I've previously tried to figure out the MPR, and you can play spot the difference on the annual biggies page.

The Rev Blair delivers a sermon to the TUC. Last year, his sermon was cut short as it would have taken place during the Sept Eleven attacks. No such problems this year, though this forms the start of his address. Tone then goes on to talk about his dispute with Mr Mugabe of the Farmers' Union.

Today we welcome Wellington Chibebe of the Zimbabwe Congress of Trade Unions. Your opposition to the regime of Mugabe is the ultimate riposte to his fraudulent nonsense about fighting colonialism. People here, including myself, fought the detestable apartheid system of South Africa and we know the difference between the cause of freedom and a leader abusing that cause to conceal incompetence and corruption on a catastrophic scale.

The Rev goes on to speak of how he might have addressed the unions on Sept 10 last year, and makes an emotional connection between the events of the following day and Iraq:

Suppose I had said to you: there is a terrorist network called al-Qaida. It operates out of Afghanistan. It has carried out several attacks and we believe it is planning more. It has been condemned by the UN in the strongest terms. Unless it is stopped, the threat will grow. And so I want to take action to prevent that.

Your response and probably that of most people would have been very similar to the response of some of you yesterday on Iraq. There would have been few takers for dealing with it and probably none for taking military action of any description.

So let me tell you why I say Saddam Hussein is a threat that has to be dealt with.

Whoa! Where did that come from? One moment, we're talking about an actual group of bad guys, the next thing, the subject's changed into something completely different. Someone who the Rev Blair *believes* to be a bad guy, but there's no scientific or logical evidence to prove it. We're asked to take his problems on faith. Nuclear, chemical, biological weapons are all mentioned, as are the abandonment of UN attempts to broker a resolution. Tony backs further attempts by this body to find a Third Way. But then comes this emotive passage, in which the bird of logic is taken round the back and quietly shot.

I say to you in all earnestness: if we do not deal with the threat from this international outlaw and his barbaric regime, it may not erupt and engulf us this month or next; perhaps not even this year or the next. But it will at some point. And I do not want it on my conscience that we knew the threat, saw it coming and did nothing.

Then a quick tour through other points of interest: the Middle East, India, Pakistan, climate change, world poverty, internationalism, the fundamental interconnectedness of all things, Europe, and corporate mismanagement: Some corporations, in their desperation to satisfy investors, bend or break the rules, collapsing confidence across the globe. Compare this mild rebuke to very real failures of the private sector with the stinging attack on the claimed inefficiencies of the public side:

Money is not all the services need. They need change and reform. New ways of working. New ways of delivering services. New partnerships between public, private and voluntary sectors, and between managers and unions. More choice for the consumer of those services. On these issues, I offer again a partnership on this basis. No prejudices. No pre-conceptions. On either side. One test only: what is good for the service and the user of the service. We will listen to you on genuine concerns about workforce conditions. I ask you to listen to us on the need for reform.

The need for reform is based on what, exactly? Tony only offers us the Fear of Failure:

If we do not join together and reform our public services, the result will not just be unreformed services. The result will be public dissatisfaction and eventually a Tory government who will return to their unfinished business: the break-up of public services.

The Rev Blair is still obsessed with the spectre of the Conservative party, a group with few visible policies and a leader still best known for his minor hit in Albania. He's not paying any attention to the Liberal Democrats, the party that might well outflank Labour on the radical centre. That bird has not barked. It is not a dead bird.

Sarah Vowell on Letterman from last Thursday. Feisty, as I'd imagined. Dark and entertaining, as comes through in the book. Refreshingly left wing without being PC, as suspected. But a lot more squeaky, not as suspected. Regular contributor to THIS AMERICAN LIFE, author of Radio On, and now The Partly Cloudy Patriot, and a thoroughly Good Egg. Promptly followed by The Doves. Amazed at how slow and dull Letterman is, though. Most of the show just goes nowhere. Must have been a bad day, surely.

It'll be a Monday Mission, surely.

1. Where were you and what was happening in your life the moment when you first became aware of what was happening at the World Trade Center in New York City last September 11th? What was the first thing you did when you heard the news?
Strange one: the whole thing unfolded just after lunch, and the boss got a call from her (retired) husband to say that a plane had crashed. Half-remembering the light plane that clipped the Statue of Liberty about a week earlier, I figured that it was something similar. The actuality was completely beyond the realm of plausibility. At least until other news filtered through about ten minutes later.

2. When those truly responsible for the attack are apprehended, what do you think would be the most fitting form of justice?
Life in jail, with hard labour. We are superior; we do not go round killing people.

3. This will probably be much like when our parents respond to "Where were you when JFK was shot?"- an event never forgotten by those who were there. But how do you think the history books should present the Sept Eleven attacks? Should it be included for all future generations? How can we truly convey the shock, the outrage, the emotions and pain of that day to the children of our children?
It was the defining moment of the life of anyone under, perhaps, 45. It's going to be fifty years, maybe more, before the event fades into the collective memory. By that time, the winners will have put their own spin on it. That's assuming that humanity hasn't been the loser.

4. No one in that building, in the Pentagon, or on the planes (other than the terrorists) knew that Sept Eleven would be their last day to be alive. For me, it brought home the reality that I could be gone at anytime, without any warning. Now, I really want each day to have some value. Did the events of Sept Eleven bring about a change in the way you live your life?
Carpe diem. Do it now.

5. Several who loved to fly in planes will not step foot in one anymore. Many parents are more protective of their children. A year later, do you find yourself feeling more secure than back then? Or is it just a matter of time before something else happens?
In Britain, we've had security alerts and the constant shadow of extremist christian groups for longer than I've been around. Last year just brought home how utterly cocky the US had become. I've no problem flying. I've no problem taking the train. And if something happens, it happens.

6. The best way for me to honour the those impacted by the attack will be to refrain from any media that day. No papers, no radio and especially no television. Others will light candles, and others will attend special services. What, if anything, will you do to personally reflect on the tragedy?
A short meditation to remember those past. Perhaps dig out some other stuff. We shall see.

7. One of the visuals that touched me the most were the walls and walls full of hand made "Missing" posters. What image will you always have in your mind when you recall the events of 9-11?
The aftermath: a pall of dust hanging over Manhattan like so many ghosts.

For those who must put up with the cruddy DVD: Cosmos for the world.