D-LIST CELEBRITY SURVIVOR (p2)

Mon 2 - Sun 8 September

Distant Voices

The story begins: Celebrity Survivor page 1.

For the benefit of those future researchers who will want to find this show by its screen name, it's I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE. The full list of contestants:

Monday September 2 For the second night running, we're treated to the edifying sight of Day and Tommers discussing the pros and cons of farting in public. Day wants a cork to stick up his behind. Benn finally snaps and yells at the two of them to shut up.

It's Geller's day to lead. He identifies the way forward. Logs. Geller has taken personal charge of the fire, and adds logs at any turn. Blackburn jokingly asked if Geller had enough logs for the night: the mystic counted them before replying. Geller's been having a dream that he's being attacked by logs, clearly sharing a dream analysis with Mr bin Laden of Tora Bora.

Where's Your Head At? is the backing track to the voting montage. Appropriate.

Cameron asks if Day and Tommers are the Posh 'n' Becks of the jungle. If so, that would make the camp the new Beckingham Palace. Though with Day wearing a towel as a sarong, and a bandana, there's a certain resemblance. If you don't look too hard. Can't say the same for Tommers' crown of ferns ... or thorns. McAndrew wonders if those two know who the blazes they are.

Geller wonders how Benn manages to control his lust. It's something to do with being happily married. Meanwhile, Day is inviting us to look at his spear. Where's Sigmund Food when we need him?

Tommers manages to break her drinking bottle, but makes a replacement from a mug, some muslin, and a cafetiere plunger. Day and Hamilton go off in search of the Reward Chest. The question: what is the name of the new Beckham sprog: Romeo or Juliet? They go for Juliet, and get a pair of gold shoes, a fake fur coat, and a pearl necklace. Tommers likes them, and her enthusiasm is infectious. Cameron suggests that wearing high heels makes one far more happy, a theory tested by the two as Tommers has a shave (!) and Cameron suggests that they les it up if they're in the last few (!!) Day tests the theory by wearing the clothes. He'll never be a drag queen, even though he can sing from Rocky.

Benn wants to go. Never mind the vote, and don't nag him. Tommers leads the charge to keep him on side, but Benn seems unconvinced. He's not going straight away: his pride forces him to remain alone in the jungle immediately after nightfall. Every fifteen minutes he remains in the jungle is worth one meal to the camp. A safety officer is to hand. Back in camp, it looks like Sniffy and Draggy have split. Day claims they've known each other for six years.

Benn continues his vigil. Back in camp, the meals are arriving: not so much meals as party snacks. McAndrew is looking for a cheesy poof. You just can't make some of these lines up.

Was it one meal after 15 minutes or two? The lights go on after an hour.

Day whispers to Benn that Tommers has been passing him notes saying how she wants to fuck him when they get back to the hotel. He's having none of it, being committed to his bird. Hamilton advises that revenge is a dish best eaten cold, and for him to keep his powder dry.

Who leaves? You decide. Geller's gone. End of the road for the camp creep. In the post-march interview, Geller finds there's a huge social pressure. The most difficult thing was the homesickness, and listening to the constant arguments and bickering. That argument with Benn last week? Flash in the pan.

Today's John Major award for flying under the radar is shared between McAndrew and Blackburn. Could this be the key to victory? It would if the voting were negative, a la BIG BROTHER; here, the logic is to be liked.

Tuesday September 3 Hamilton is Our Leader for the day, and is already sparking off Tommers' dark side. Thinking she exasperates Hamilton, Tommers is in tears, and so far gone that she can't accept Hamilton's assurance that this so isn't the case. She and Van Day disappear into the Diary Cave, and Tommers has convinced herself that she's a clumsy oaf who is better off out. And she turns the knife on Day, saying he's behaved like an immature whining idiot, and he's pathetic. Yes!

Geller has gone, and Cameron points out that he did a lot of things to bring the group together. Blackburn is rather philosophical, especially as one of the more quiet members has gone.

Now, who's going to do the Cruel Vote? It's up to the celebs. They have to go into the Diary Cave and nominate someone, who can be themself. Cameron is straight in there, saying it's only a game.
clockwise: hamilton, day, cameron, benn, tommers, blackburn, mcandrewTommers nominates Hamilton.
Cameron wants Blackburn to do something.
Blackburn nominates... himself.
Benn picks out Hamilton, in revenge for her sticking the knife in.
McAndrew wants Benn to face another challenge.
Day's is another reflexive nomination.
Hamilton gives her vote to herself, and hence will do the challenge.
Where's my BIG BROTHER'S BIG NOMINATION WHEEL CREATOR? Ah, just to the right

Hamilton's challenge is to chase after some pigs in a sty, and rip the stars off their backs. Three minutes to remove the seven stars. She does it, and barely escapes before being overcome with - er - the urge to pelt Antan Dec with mud.

Tommers and Blackburn find the Reward Chest quickly. How much is a salmon fishcake at the Ivy? £17.50 or £11.75? It's Tommers' favourite meal, but she never pays! The team goes for £11.75, and wins teabags. "Yay!" says the excited lass. "Shush" says someone, sparking off another descent into maudlin self-pity.

Day goes off to the river and sings a dodgy song. Tommers comes down and wants a rational discussion. Day will not have a discussion, Tommers goes off on another loud shouty match, calling him fucking irrational. Day reckons Tommers is trying to get the rise out of him. Tommers will not change her mind, she really hates him now.

Tommers goes to bed, but Day tries to talk. He gets the rough edge of Tommers' tongue. Again. Asshole. Pissed off. Poor excuse for a man. All of which may be true, but then Tommers turns on Hamilton - who is sounding more and more like Anne Robinson by the moment. In private, Hamilton reckons she's several sandwiches short of a picnic. Then Tommers takes off into the night. Hamilton reckons Tommers is not only missing her fags but is also sexually frustrated, and is taking it out on Day because he won't hop into the sack.

Hamilton and Blackburn extract the mick from Tommers, saying she's just "me me me me me." I understand that Dr Bunsen Honeydew's assistant is single, while Radio Two's Terry Wogan will be looking for royalties for the use of his favourite song. Eventually, Tommers comes back, having been turned away by the Big Ego security guards. Benn and Cameron lead the wanderer to the Diary Cave, where she's tired and emotional but not drunk. I'm reminded of the time Jack Dee took off from Celebrity BIG BROTHER, and went on to be last out. Will history repeat itself, or will the example of Vanessa Feltz be more appropriate? You deride. Decide.

Who leaves? It's Benn. According to Antan Dec's spiel, Cameron was next on the list. In the post-march interview, Benn reckons that he went somewhat brain-dead in the camp, and he knows his career was already over. There were a lot of arguments, but Benn declines to tell anything other than the exact truth. "Let he without sin cast the first stone" and all that jazz. By the time he left, Benn had just about made up with everyone.

My theory is that one cannot hide in a group of five, so the penultimate John Major Award for Blending Into the Background goes to McAndrew. She is now unbeatable in this contest.

Wednesday September 4 According to my sources, Rupert Everett is some sort of actor type luvvie. He asked on this morning's THIS MORNING "why shouldn't [Tommers] want to get fucked?" Other than "Darren Day would be involved," we have no good reason.

We are but six. Blackburn points out that there's only one loud person left, Day. McAndrew says that she is enjoying the quiet. Tommers has to survive on her own. Hamilton reckons she's only trying to be sexually attractive, and leads the other five in a rousing chorus of "Let's go on with the show!" Tommers apologises to Hamilton and McAndrew.

Who is doing the Cruel Vote today? By popular consent, it's Blackburn. He has to get six snakes from tank A, over and under hurdles, into tank B. There's a time limit, and he manages just two snakes. One of them goes for the DJ as he reaches in.

Tommers and Day have their daily World War. "We can't let everything go," says the it-girl. "A lot has been said and done, I can't take it back, I just hope we can repair our friendship." Day repeats the mantra, "Keep the peace." Tommers joins McAndrew and Cameron in a swimming pool that our friendly camera crew pointed out. Hamilton alleges that Tommers' column in the Sunset Times was ghosted. Surely not! Hamilton tries to give balanced treatment to Tommers, but Day is having nothing to do with the concept. Day wants to whip out Those Notes, in which Tommers allegedly says she wants to hump him, but apparently it's back at the hotel. How convenient.

Our contestants take an afternoon kip, and Hamilton wakes up wondering where she is. Who is Blackburn? Why is she in the middle of the jungle? Apparently, Blackburn and Day have kidnapped the disgraced MP's wife and are holding her hostage for a ransom of ten pounds and a bottle of wine. They'll pay for her to go away, Neil. Day can't forget the night before, and how nasty Tommers was. She could hear everything even when she ran out of camp.

Cameron and McAndrew go off on the Reward Treasure Hunt, and stop the clock underneath a rock. It's biccies, beer, and some good guesswork. Cameron reckons this could be the first night without a fight. Day wouldn't bet on it, and the host of YOU BET should know about this sort of thing. He should do. With little food, everyone is subdued, Tommers calms down and Cameron spots that she's become very vulnerable.

Who leaves? You decided. Day, Hamilton, McAndrew... it's Day! Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes! Day is happy to be out, and shocked that he's made the front page of the Daily Tabloid. He claims to have been friends with Tommers for six years, and it's gone, but he has become close to Cameron. The notes? It was "two or three times a day" when he was talking with Benn a few nights back, but just "one at the hotel, two at camp" when talking to Hamilton. Day would have taken the bait in the past, but wouldn't any more. Day is no longer an easy lay. Ant raises the spectre of girlf Adele, and - unlike every relationship in the BB house - it's still on. And his guts? Eleven days without doing one. Alex is on the phone.

Thursday September 5 Blurry eyed, our campers are roused an hour earlier than usual. The things they do to provide footage.

Hmm. Blackburn is the only man left in camp. Cue camp chasing from the Benny Hill school of comedy. Hmm, that was popular during Blackburn's heyday. Should he be made to pole dance for them, or is he going to play Charlie to the Angels. You deride. Especially when he starts seeing logs dancing before his eyes. Off to Logaholics Anonymous, and finding it all logtastic, and logging on. His log pile is getting bigger and bigger, and Tommers has already said that she's sexually frustrated. I'm the envy of a log of men... says the token man.

Again, there's no voting for the Cruel Vote, which is kinda annoying. I've spent literally pence preparing some whizz-bang graphics for these internal votes, and that money's just going to waste. McAndrew, the only person yet to take a Cruel Vote, will be today's victim. She has to ride a bucking bronco (well, a mechanical one) and grab five stars over her head. This is rather like a game in the first season of THE CRYSTAL MAZE, only the contestant had to shoot at a target. She's on and off more than the Blackpool illuminations, but comes back with four meals.

Back in camp, Cameron and Tommers are discussing how difficult it is to get reservations at good restaurants. Tommers always finds it easy, but then she's a socialite. I always find it easy, but then my definition of "good" is different from hers (:

Geller offers his thoughts on the contestants: they all want to win, and any of them can. Film at eleven? No. Too dull.

Journee onze, et les lofteurs fait un jour d'impressions. C'est impressions de les autres lofteurs! Blackburn fera Geller, mais Hamilton sera Cynthia Payne. Cameron voir Tommers sera Cameron, et la comedienne Ecosse fera Day. Ou Benn. Je ne seperater pas les mockneys.

Blackburn and Hamilton go off to find the Reward Chest. Well, Hamilton goes off, and Blackburn follows eventually, doing pisspoor Benn impressions. Blackburn is the third man to do the hunt with Hamilton, and the other two has gone. A correct answer to C-list Celeb Triv generates a bottle of plonk, some towels, sugar, and fags.

Apparently, two people are neck-and-neck for the walk tonight. Tommers explains her problems with Day - she was flirtatious, tactile, and promised him a Jade. Cameron figures Day was a huge drama queen. Tommers wasn't impressed with Day's vulgarity and bad language. It was enough to offend her, and that doesn't happen easily.

Ah, le jour d'impressions est un idee de les produceurs! Not fair. The impressions aren't brilliant, but they're not a disaster. Not quite as good as Kate's acute observations of Alex, or anything Brian Dowling did. And it fills five minutes of airtime on what would otherwise have been a very dull show. There wasn't a single row all day.

Who stays? You decided. Tommers, Hamilton, Blackburn stay, as does McAndrew. Cameron's gone. She heard the cameramen being noisy one night, and figured the twosome were close. Cameron's backed McAndrew from day one, but would like to see Tommers win just for being playful, and expected to finish in the middle. She was close to leaving last weekend, and really didn't get on with Benn. Hamilton was a competitor, and will carry any defeat for a long time. Day was a "mini-me" to Benn, and really annoyed the rest of the camp.

It's been a surprisingly dull night without any rows. No real comedy moments to lighten the load, either. A bit like the final week of BB, only without the satisfying climax. Still, we can live with the odd failed episode. It makes the highs that bit higher, and it's been a high-octane series so far.

Friday September 6 Major slapped wrists to today's Daily Slut, the newspaper that has picked up Popbatch's Deliberate Mistaike. In summer 96, Day had a residence in Summer Holiday at the Sandcastle in Blackpool. His leading lady was Julie Buckfield, the smart one. Julie's identical twin sister, the cute Claire, was dating Dec. As was (is?) his way, Day got very close to smart off stage. The 'batch misled by confusing the two (not a difficult task) and suggesting that this would lead to Dec taking against Day. The Slut picked up on this tale, and would have thoroughly confused its readers, only the paper is only bought for the pictures.

According to figures posted to usenet, only Benn fell from his original drop date, exiting before Day. Hamilton will go today, Blackburn tomorrow, the other two too close for the Sunday final. Hamilton worries about going through the whole thing again tomorrow, while Blackburn sees every day as a bonus.

The show has a long piece from Day about his rows with Tommers. These are not relevant to our discussion, consisting of things we've already seen and party political broadcasts from a candidate we've already rejected. We don't need more tedious stuff from a man whose accent has really rather slipped.

The Cruel Vote: they can't now vote for themselves. Tommers and Blackburn vote for Hamilton, Hamilton and McAndrew for Blackburn. As team leader, Tommers changes her vote and puts Blackburn up. His challenge is very Crystal Maze. There's a spider web constructed over the swamp, out of rope and wood. At the end of four of the arms of the web are nests containing stars. At the end of the other four arms are empty nests. He has to walk along the ropes, over the swamp, retrieve the stars, bring them back to the middle, and try not to fall in. He eventually gets three of the available four stars.

There's far too much chitter-chatter from the evictees. We don't give a monkey's what these losers think. Shut up and get on with it.

Tommers has been clean for four years. It was a seriously difficult comedown, and there are terrible nightmares to this day. Such as having a very poor short-term memory, some psychoses, poor concentration, a very poor short-term memory, or having to do an honest day's work. Viewers: look at what drugs do to you: turn into *that*. On the upside, you do get to visit cuties in some of the most gobsmackingly beautiful parts of the world.

Antan Dec is surprised that McAndrew has made the final four. She's done nothing, apart from the washing up. Blackburn is fondling his daytime log, and telling it apart from his wet log, and his nighttime log. I'm not making any of this up, honest.

For after-dinner entertainment, Tommers leads the Fashion Club in a clothes show. Does my head look big in this? asks Sandi. That ... is ... like ... so ... known replies Tiffany all night. You're by far the cutest model here says Quinn, but why have the epitome of shallow allowed themselves to get so hot and sweaty and isolated from Waif magazine for the past fortnight?

Who is the least accomplished model? Whose ability to attract support is even lower than their ability to be a clothes horse? Goodbye ... McAndrew ?! There's a turnip for the books! According to her mother, McAndrew is normally louder than that, but there have been some very strong characters in there, and it's been rather boring. She expected it to be more survival, and less the entertainment for the viewing public.

Saturday September 7 The remaining three all put McAndrew down to win. Curious. Hamilton wants a zhinnnantynic. Tommers is amazed she's still here. Blackburn is seeing every day as a bonus, and celebrates by putting a log on the fire. He wants to dismantle the camp beds of those who have left, for firewood. Tommers points out that they only have two days left in camp, and this might not be necessary. We have mother Hamilton, father Blackburn, daughter Tommers. And they call the Simpsons the ultimate disfunctional family!

Another change to the Cruel Vote rules. They've all got to change into swimwear, see the task, then decide who is doing it. Under the pool are seven bright orange lunch boxes. Three contain stars representing a meal, the other four contain booby prizes. Hamilton gets the nod.

Down by the river, off goes Hamilton. As ever, the easiest to reach are the ones that contain booby prizes. By the time the ten minutes have expired, Hamilton has all four booby prizes, and two of the three stars. The seventh box is within a metre or so of the pier when time ends. The group shout "Come on, Mrs Hamilton." Clearly how posh people encourage each other, reckons our host.

While the three were down by the river, the crew entered the camp, and left before they came back. Taking the camp with them. No beds, no fire, no logs, but they do have mugs and provisions. Tommers deems Hamilton "Mumsey" - well, she *is* a bit of a throwback to mediaeval times, though Tommers might not be quite as attractive without her hair. That said...

There's problems getting the fire going. The ones the team left have gotten wet, and they're reduced to trying to light the fire with Hamilton's glasses. Then Tommers "finds" some matches for her fags, and voila! One lit fire.

Tommers and Hamilton get the Reward Chest. It's light, but chocolate cake doesn't weigh much. In fact, they've got pictures from home. This is the Reward. The booby prize was a Tony Blackburn video, though Tommers can smell chocolate. There's nothing in there.

The team think about why they've lasted as long as they have. For Tommers, it's enough to be herself. The public likes to see the posh brought down. Hamilton figures that Neil deserves at least one more day away. Blackburn remains a mystery.

Sleeping Tommers ... so cute. Blackburn has a creepy on his arm, and Hamilton punches it off. His arm, not the insect.

Who leaves? You divide. It's goodbye ... to ... Hamilton. She wanted to win, and got a nasty black eye doing the swimming yesterday. An apology to Benn? No, he's denying what he said to Hamilton, and didn't go around stirring anything up.

Sunday September 8 GAMESHOW LOSERS aired earlier tonight on ITV. They didn't have any footage of Geller perving it up. Curious, that.

Tommers and Blackburn are the last two in camp, and Blackburn wants to dismantle Hamilton's bed for firewood. Already. Tommers has a laissez-faire attitude: if the sugar runs out, or the coffee finishes, stuff it. She has the last day of school feeling. Blackburn shoves another log on the fire. The last two wonder if they're still here because they're so loved, or so hated.

We have a 90 minute show to fill tonight, so plenty of clips. Cue the Cameron -v- Benn lightweight contest. And the Day -v- Tommers love mismatch, the one on and off more times than a yellow traffic light. And highlights of the Cruel Vote Challenges for lunch. Tommers squealing like a pig, Cameron stuck down a hole, Hamilton chasing squealing pigs, Geller having lunch. Today's Challenge is called The Biggie. Evidently they've run out of clever names. A guy called Toby has been employed to think up these things. It's a race down an obstacle course. Then eating the food, and getting the star out of the box with the creepy-crawlies in. Getting the star out of a pool with eels. And moving a snake down the course, more maggots, then on the ropes. Blackburn is first to finish, and wins a champagne breakfast. How come there was no chasing after piggies? Afterwards, Tommers wants to burn her trousers, and cook a load of rice. The camp hasn't been demolished again.

The Reward Chest: both remaining contestants are given their own map, their own compass, and their own film crew, to help them find their own chest. Tommers gets loads and loads of chocolate. Blackburn gets a picture of a bottle of wine, and two seven inch singles. Would that record be RCA INTS 1407? A disk called "Chop Chop", all about the wonderful way wood is cut by a man with an axe, and recorded in 1971 by a Mr Tony Blackburn? The mind boggles. He got his question wrong, and even turns down Tommers' offer of a mud pack. Don't rub it in ... oh, that's the whole point.

Antan Dec reckons the lead is changing faster than Tommers with maggots down her trews. They introduce a behind-the-scenes look at how they put everything together, only omitting to note that this is the same place they filmed US SURVIVOR 2. Tommers is cooking meal for the last two, and has a quick visit to the Diary Cave to ask for some cooking oil. Dec does the voice of the duty Big Caveman.

Blackburn wonders why Tommers kept on trying to apologise to Day. She figures that both of them were in the wrong, but Tommers has a need for approval and to give apologies. It's a lack of confidence thing. Blackburn had insecurities: he got married at that age, opened Radio One, the whole thing. By the time one gets to Blackburn's age, one is a bit more thick skinned. She's looking for someone who is interested in herself, not the money, not the fame, not the family, just the girl.

Who wins? You decided. Antan Dec has dressed into his Monday best, albeit without ties. This would be a quiet echo of the SURVIVOR finals. 1.5 million calls in the course of one day, and the winner by 55-45 is Blackburn. In the post-march interview, Tommers reveals that she made it as far as Antan Dec's just outside broadcast set, and was grabbed on the wooden floor. There *was* one note, in the opening days at camp. Nothing at the hotel, directly contradicting Day's claims.

Blackburn is amazed at how well he's done, and meets some old friends. The rest of the campers, apart from Tommers, make a quick comeback. Geller hasn't had any airtime for the past six days, and doesn't miss a chance to get some words. We don't get to see the walk back to the set, possibly because they don't want to publicise where it is, but probably because there's one camera unit for the camp, and another for the studio, and a dead bit between. Apparently, people up and down the country are using Blackburn's catchphrase, "stop-a-doodle-doo." Hey, Antan Dec said it, it must be true. He figures that Benn was expecting something more physical, and Geller was just being pervy.

Winners and losers? Day has gone down in my opinion, over his fourth-form luuurve notes; and Geller is not only a fraud but also a perv. Blackburn, obviously, is a winner; so is Tommers, who has more reserves than we thought.