For the benefit of those future researchers who will want to find this show by its screen name, it's I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE. The full list of contestants:
There are elements from SURVIVOR in the game - people abandoned in the middle of nowhere with just basic rations, a camera crew, and the hosts. There are elements from EDEN - liveish updates, high levels of viewer interactivity, set in the Australian rain forest. And there are elements from CRUEL SUMMER - getting the viewer to vote on which contestant will take a not-very-cruel challenge. The producers, not the viewer, specifies the challenge. At least this show isn't marketed as "you play %deity%", as Perry Vale is currently on vacation.
Antan Dec hosts from the middle of nowhere, Australia. As befits the king of Live Primetime television, this is Live Primetime television. Herein lies the first problem: the 2100 slot in the UK translates to 0600 in Australia. The contestants aren't allowed to follow their natural circadian rhythms, and this causes more than its share of grouchiness and bad temper on the show. It also causes technical problems, as the sun is rising and light levels are constantly changing. In the Americas, this time is the local afternoon and perhaps more conducive to good television. The disruption to the satellite feeds and occasional loss of sound are an unavoidable testament to the complexities of beaming a show halfway round the world.
Sunday August 25 We're introduced us to the eight contestants, though anyone who wasn't watching very closely will not have seen Day, and will still be confused by McAndrew and Palmer-Tompkinson. The latter needs a shorter name, otherwise we'll be here all night. Run with "Tommers".
The celebs got to choose two luxury items: Blackburn a razor and mirror, though no shaving cream. McAndrew took fluffy dog toys, Cameron a diary and pen, Day a Cockney accent he's picked up since his pop career came to something of a grinding halt around six years ago. Geller picked an Exeter football strip. "It's the club I support, and this is the director's shirt" - with the name "Jackson" on the back above a figure "1". This is evidently a reference to USA Networks controller Michael Jackson, a close personal friend of Geller's. Evidently Geller thinks we've all forgotten the psychic support he gave to Reading FC during 1995 and 96, in a triumphant run that saw them come within a whisker of promotion to the Premier League, only to be denied by a superior (or very lucky) Bolton team, and promptly avoid relegation by the skin of their teeth.
We see footage of an orienteering challenge - turn left at the minibar. The team learns how to deal with snakebite - drink lots of champagne, and remember not to let students mix your drinks. And how to gut a fish - remind him of his days in Marillion.
Geller has said he won't use his psychic powers during the contest, as it "wouldn't be ethical." This has the unfortunate side-effect of not allowing him to use his humour powers, and he comes across as someone who takes everything far too seriously. Would using his psychic abilities be construed as bending the rules? I'll stop while I'm behind...
Monday August 26 The first daily Reward Challenge, in which two of the team have to go off and find a chest, in which there is something useful or luxurious, or something completely useless. There are two cases in the chest, and the team can only open one, guided by the answer to a question. There's also a daily leader, determined alphabetically by first name. Hamilton was first, and she came across like Anne Robinson in her WATCHDOG days.
Geller didn't bond well with Benn, and said "There's someone round here who is no smiles and no laugh." Pot, kettle, kettle, pot. He tried to talk to Tommers about her erstwhile addictions, McAndrew about how old she was when she first took her clothes off, and Hamilton about flying saucers. Probably makes more sense than Neil. He tried to cure McAndrew's dodgy tummy by laying on hands, only it didn't work. If he had, would he have been exposed as someone prepared to break his own ethical code within (counts) 11 hours max? Side bet: which other contestant will be the first to inflict bodily harm on Geller?
Tuesday August 27 Tommers gets the first Cruel Vote, sorry, Bush Tucker Challenge - to survive having eight loads of maggots and other creepy crawlies tipped over her. Antan Dec invades the camp to break the news to her, and she's ready to roll at once. Sadly, there are seconds left in the nightly transmission, and that doesn't tie in with the producers' plans. I'm left wondering: why the blazes not? Wouldn't it make sense to have the execution of the challenge the climax to the show? Look at the success BIG BROTHER had with its Saturday tasks live on national television. When she finally takes the challenge, Tommers squeals her way through all 8 bugbaths. Day serenades her return with a tune from JOSEPH. Blimey, is he still there? He's not been shown all week.
Almost two minutes of screen time has gone to Day's head, and he falls in the creek and gets soaking wet. No change there. Geller tells Cameron about how he discovered his psychic abilities, and how he's tired of being called the "spoonbender." He gives the comic tips on how to improve her act: "make it controversial." We thought making it funny was more the thing to do.
Benn leads McAndrew and Cameron in some boxing training. Who looked at BB3 and saw Kate's workouts help her to victory? Psst. It wasn't the boxing. It was Kate.
Ant's in the camp, and working his way along the log. The contestants want to remove Ant from the log, and suggest pouring boiling water over. This won't work: they need to either remove the log, or get a ten year old kid (or old age pensioner) to ask him questions about The Simpsons. The camp has a big row about people making a mess in their mess tins, Benn attracting the wrath of Cameron. Geller lists all the things that make Cameron unusual, attracting the irony (or was it the ire) of Ant.
Cameron and Benn row over the cooking, and just about everything else, and pulls away to have it out away from the group. Hamilton does a piece to camera explaining the situation. She looks like a dead ringer for Anne Robinson, and the light shows this was clearly filmed before the food arrived.
Tuesday's Mr Invisible is Blackburn, who doesn't speak on camera until after sunset.
Wednesday 28 August Benn will handle snakes for food. Hamilton spots that the ITV2 slot is live coverage of the camp, and suggests they all go back to sleep. Who's been watching C4's BB LIVE programmes? Given that this is the limit of ITV2's coverage, I'm slightly surprised that they've not provided footage through the night - after regular programming from 0230 to 0600, and those pictures of a camp asleep from 0925 to 1300. It would cost a bomb to send the pictures back by satellite, but E4 has proven that there's a market for selling ads into people sleeping.
Tommers is complaining about Cameron to Day, while Cameron is complaining about Tommers to camera. Day does a piece to camera, in which his accent slips. Benn swipes Hamilton's kecks. This passes for a comedy high point.
Mister Benn does a quick change into a snake suit. As if by magic, Antan Dec appears. They have eight plastic stars in a glass tank, and add snakes. Each star out is worth one meal, four minutes to get the lot out, no eating the snakes. He gets five out, and two stings for his pains.
Geller tries to send a psychic message to his close friend and head of USA Networks, Michael Jackson, who is celebrating his birthday today. Isn't this the chap who said - oh, three nights ago - that he wouldn't use his psychic powers? Robinson, sorry, Hamilton, berates him for asking Cameron about the hair on her legs. "I was bullied at school because children called me a freak," claims the spoon bender. The sort of freak who can't follow a calendar correctly: Jackson's birthday isn't until, er, Thursday. Antan Dec sends a card. Our host has had a top 5 hit this year with a cracking song.
Tommers is lamenting the perils of being an "it girl" with Day and Benn and how she totally couldn't handle it. Geller talks in graphic detail about his eating disorder with Tommers. This doesn't strike me as a hugely constructive thing to do. Hamilton prays for a rain storm, and as if by magic, the rain arrives. The group works together to stop the wet stuff, and pretends a packet of pills is a handy.
Day and Tommers are off on the chest hunt, and fall down a bank together. The team agrees that a pint of semi-skimmed milk costs more than 35p, and wins (er) a Darren Day CD and video. Reminds me of a slot on Cliff Evans' breakfast show, when he took the Michael from celebs who didn't know such trivia as (er) the price of milk. Hamilton leads the line that this is designed to turn the group in on itself, but it's not as successful as Spencer's revolt on BB - that was so successful the producers refused to show it.
The group has nothing to do of the evening. C'est journee trois, mais les lofteurs n'avant pas fait un jour d'imitations. Quelque chose ne fait pas bien.
For the second day running, the John Major Award for the Man In The Background goes to Blackburn. It would have been McAndrew, but she rubbed suntan oil into Cameron's back.
Thursday 29 August Antan Dec respond to usenet rumours that they're standing in front of a colour screen, though don't jump into the raging waterfall behind them. The blue effects are the attempts at getting a consistent lighting level. The crew's been hit by a stomach bug. Cue fake retching from the crew, then real retching from the cast of Aussie soap UP AND AWAY NEXT DOOR, as all the actors there are fired and replaced by British camera operators.
Hamilton has a bit of a blub at the cruel nature of the world. Cameron will be buried alive for the third Cruel Vote. For every two minutes she stays down the hole, she wins a meal. Stay sixteen minutes, she's got the lot. The hole is almost long enough for Cameron to stretch out, and Antan Dec give updates every two minutes and talk to her. She sings "The Way You Look Tonight" almost as well as William Young. Sounds are being played in, and one of the production crew reaches in and touches our buried beauty. Cameron comes out with six of the available eight meals.
Tommers has been hopping round the camp like a bunny, not doing her share of cleaning up. Geller (with the sponsorship on his Exeter shirt carefully deleted by masking tape) and Blackburn complain to camera. Day is the one who moans to her, but Tommers says that she doesn't need to be protected. Day almost falls into the water. Again. The two make up before the end of the day, and Tommers claims that she fancied Day. Four years ago. When (riffles through CV) she was out of her head on drugs, or was not dating minor royals. You decide.
"I'm from the streets. I'm a street boy," claims Day. He's an alumnus of Sir Charles Lucas School, Colchester. The school's most recent report says that it serves an area of "significant social and economic disadvantage," which I think is Day's implication. It's not an area where people naturally speak with a faux-Cockney accent.
While Day and Cameron discuss Benn, Hamilton and Benn are sent off on the Wild Chest Chase. The team collectively reckon today is a Thursday, and they win a luxury of some wine. Day and Cameron's row with Blackburn, Hamilton, and Geller continues. The monkey operating the bleep machine allows Cameron to use the f-word. Twice. Then Day uses it, followed by the bo-word. Hamilton intervenes, praising them both, and saying how Day seems more explosive than Cameron. Cameron concludes a long, dramatic, rant about everyone's shortcomings by saying "sometimes, we're like that. All these stereotypes are us pushed into our corners."
Afterwards, Benn moans to Geller about the way Cameron moves from one person to another, and dubs her "Rhona the moaner." That must have taken almost minutes to work out. Blackburn is totally not offended by the outburst. It's like water off a duck's back.
Tommers reads a poem what she wrote. It rhymes "Outer Hebrides" with "celebrities." Barry Kent need not worry.
Today's John Major award goes to Nell McAndrew, who gets one close up, opens her mouth to speak, then gets cut off for commercials.
Friday 30 August Blackburn is talking to the logs. This would be the Hidden D-List Celebrity Indicator Of The Day. Cameron is our hero, just for one day, and tells Tommers and Day to drink at least six bottles of water, each, and announce when they've drunk them. After no-one listens to her, Cameron promptly abdicates.
Geller and Blackburn have a row about whether the DJ poured boiling water over Ant a few days ago. Geller is invited to drop thirty years of not eating meat, and consume some insects. Eat one plate of insects, one meal goes to camp. Ant's cricket balls - sorry - ants, crickets, whiteapples all go down the hatch. Live grubs taste like spaghetti, a live pupa is nibbled. The kwon dong fruit tastes rubbery, Stick Insect like a stick insect, and another grub drives the mysitc to scream and eat. Eight out of eight. A bravura performance! Why is Cameron co-hosting with Ant?
Geller becomes the camp hero, and makes it sound almost as bad as it was. Blackburn still reckons Geller has lost respect. While massaging Tommers' back, Geller talks about getting erections. This disgusts all right-thinking viewers, and causes conversation to stop. There's so much stuff in his system that is not usually there, and Geller has clearly gone a bit loopy.
Cameron is still concerned about Benn's anti-lesbian stance, referring to him as a "homophobic wanker." Why don't you fuck off and leave? If I were a man, I'd love to fukkin' fight you right now.
Day jumps in and says that he'd have fought her yesterday. Aren't you the big masculine hero?
Benn doesn't want any of this crap. Blackburn tries to play the peacemaker, but Benn won't speak to Cameron. Day says "there's one person who's been a fuckin' problem - sorry to swear." Liar! Tommers suggests that everyone waits till sundown, when the heat has gone out of the day, but clearly blames Cameron for all the discontentment. Geller is worried that Benn will turn round and punch someone, but is dissuaded by the others. Day just can't hear the sound of Cameron's voice, and the faux-Cockney accent is back. McAndrew, Blackburn, Hamilton try to keep down the middle. Day points out that Cameron's main problem is with the bible, not Benn, but he has deemed her a sinner. Hamilton points out that if Day goes, Benn and Cameron remain; if Benn goes, Day and Cameron remain; if Cameron goes, it's a happy camp
By nightfall, the ingredients have arrived. Cameron refuses to cook if Benn's involved. Blackburn and Geller plot, but they can't talk to Benn. He is a crap cook, but Hamilton is there. Tommers is trying to massage Day's face. Cameron and Geller retreat to the Diary Cave - this is the place where the contestants receive instructions and water, but has become an overnight shelter for confused celebs. After she leaves, Geller leads the attack on Benn, for suggesting that Benn's not going to give Cameron one more chance. Hamilton wants to welcome her back, but Benn and Day don't want to hear of it. Geller and Tommers are hostile but can live with the idea.
Snakes alive! A python pops in to see what all the fuss is about, but he's given the scoop by Duty Big Snakeman. Hamilton suggests having someone stamping their feet all night, but sees the sheer pointlessness of this idea.
John Major Of The Day: it's McAndrew again.
By the time Antan Dec go into camp, Cameron is still in the Diary Cave.
Saturday 31 August Day reckons that the Great British Public doesn't like him. Hmm. We've had a claustrophobic go into a hole, a vegetarian eat insects, an it girl covered in maggots, a hard man attacked by snakes. This strikes me as not the most unplanned thing in history. There's a slight smell of fried rat, for some reason. Cameron is back in camp, Blackburn is trying to tell one-line jokes: he's seen a bucket and is feeling a bit pail. Don't give up the day job. Tommers has never washed her own clothes or made her bed, this reminds Hamilton of her husband. Sounds like Alistair McGowan got the two mixed up.
Tommers is our camp hero. There's a new task: go fishing. She decides to make Hamilton Monsieur Le Chef
, which shows *just* who was paying attention in finishing school. Cameron gets a pedicure, while Tommers gets her hair in bunches. She can feel the tension in Cameron's feet. Day is hacked off with this whole "being nice to Cameron" thing, and sees it as a betrayal. Ooh, Day's taking his Noddy badge back now.
Day is going in the swamp. There are snakes, leeches, and it stinks. There are 12 buoys, under eight of them are stars, one star makes one meal. Like the trouper, Day's going for it. His accent is also veering wildly between the Mockney he's been using all week and a Yorkshire accent. He gets seven stars, and escapes in time. One star is left, along with one boot that fell off part way through. Day does get the consolation prize of two snakebites.
Day is still unhappy about the pedicure. He sees it as a betrayal, and claims Tommers is two-faced. Tommers is happier to give everyone a better day that continue a feud. She's not taking sides, "like in Lord of the Flies." That'll have gone right over his head. Hamilton appraises the rest of the group about the events. Ant makes a stirring motion. The others reckon this is too childish for words, and find it faintly amusing. Cameron and Tommers are thoroughly confused by the whole thing, and snap at each other. Geller deems the whole thing Over, Finished, Finito, and invites them to go fishing.
While Day joins the fishing party, Tommers is left in camp to blub her eyes out. She wants to deal in laughter and hugs, but all she's getting is bitterness and rejection and hostility. Hamilton and McAndrew lead the suggestions that Day apologises, and after a fashion, he does. Tommers opens a little about her betrayals for other people's advantage. Day claims to empathise.
Blackburn suggests that Tommers feels she's letting the side down. Cameron suggests that she talks to Benn and Day as if nothing had happened. It won't change history, but she can do it for the sake of everyone's good. Benn and Day are off plotting in the bushes. Day claims that Cameron is making kissing noises behind them. Both Benn and Tommers say "we've not had this conversation."
Blackburn tried to sort out the problem, but he's talking to the deaf. No changes there, I suspect. He reports to Hamilton that the other two have declined to play nice. Geller and Cameron are looking for the chest. How much is the basic rate of unemployment benefit for a single person under 25, per week? £42.70 or £28.30. They go for the higher option, and win chocolate and coffee and milk and raisins and shaving cream. Chocolate!
Tommers and Day share rehab experiences. This is odd. This is very odd. I cannot find any archived reports that suggest Day has been in any form of rehab. Indeed, former squeeze Anna Friel is quoted that He will never be considered cred and he knows that. What do I do? Go out with someone who's doing drugs all the time?
Tommers has years, and recommends that Day having a relationship at this stage is too soon. She may well be right.
By suppertime, Tommers and Day are cuddling and discussing how he gave her his number in 97. She didn't return because he was engaged. That would be to Anna Friel, rather than Isla Fischer, Tracey Shaw, or Frank N. Furter. Where's a wet kipper when I need it?
Today's John Major Of The Day Award for fading into the background goes, once again, to McAndrew. Benn was in the running, but did get a decent two-header with Day.
Sunday 1 September Day has become the first celeb to take two Cruel Votes in succession. Hamilton calls for quiet, and figures that the audience really doesn't like Day. Geller knows that he can manage it, and suggests this is an encore. Er, no. Tommers is all huggy and consoling.
Blackburn is our leader, pop pickers. He calls for hands up if people are happy, clearly showing that he's turning into the new Graham Norton. Benn figures out that Hamilton has been winding people (read: Cameron) up against him, and has a real go at her. The whole camp sighs with relief that the root cause of their problems might stop it now.
Geller gives Day his dose of positive mental attitude. Tommers gives him the shirt off her back - quite literally, clothes pickers. There are eight boxes, each box contains a star representing a meal, and some other things. Most of them are living. This doesn't make good television, as we only seem him remove five of the eight stars, but he gets the lot.
Back in camp, Cameron is pining for apples. Tommers is pretending to be a bunny. I'm seriously beginning to think that Anya had quite the point. Geller and Tommers have a metaphysical discussion about the symbolic value of burning underpants. Maybe they've not seen the title sequence of LIAR... Cameron has seriously mellowed out, and McAndrew says I'll do some press-ups
. She speaks!
Day is drained, not so much by the experience, but by the inference that when the first eviction looms, he's going. He recaps his career to Benn: council estate to JOSEPH on the London stage, then five years later, in 97, he realises that Anna Friel isn't the lass for him and he's surrounded by acolytes. Quick reality check: Day took the Joseph part in 93, dated Friel from (roughly) 96 to 98. No mention of his serial engagements, no mention of his role in ROCKY, and absolutely nothing of the work on children's television that got him the Joseph role in the first place.
Blackburn wants some company to go get more water. Geller makes a very strange sound when he's singing; it could have something to do with Cameron's feet on his back.
The early morning conversation is all about farting: whether one should do such in front of a lady. This causes Dec to lose control, as the script - written hours earlier - calls for him to wonder if, on the Reward Box Hunt, Benn and Tommers would come up trumps. Yes, but only because they stopped and argued about it. Dropping the box en route may not be the wisest idea. Nor does holding the box so that you can't see where you're going. Benn's ribbing of Tommers is just on the right side of being good-natured, but he comes ][ that close to crossing the line. Coffee, sugar, soy sauce, and cigarettes. The last item makes Tommers emit a very loud squeak, as if her smoke detector has gone off.
Also in the box were some face paints, which should (!) prevent them from rowing, on the grounds that they would look far too silly. However, this hasn't stopped anyone previously... Cameron and Day say they've learned a lot about themselves, Hamilton has had a fantastic time, Blackburn wonders why anyone has ever taken him seriously, McAndrew has had a nice time, Tommers is surprised that she's managed to hack it, Benn has never had an experience like it, and Geller said something off camera. Day sings A Better Man
from one of his musicals. Sounds like something out of SUMMER HOLIDAY.
Tying up the loose ends: the last Cruel Vote is to spend a night alone in the jungle. It's been completely forgotten by the team, it's the Sunday show in the UK, but Monday in Australia, thus explaining the end-of-term feel to last night. It'll be performed by Benn.
Voting now begins for the winner: the contestant with the lowest vote at 2155 tomorrow (and every night after that) will be eliminated, until the winner is unveiled in a week's time. The John Major Award for spending the day off camera goes to Hamilton. All she did was clean the loo
batting BIG BROTHER ... index ... front ... links ... celeb survivor 2