4March

A train derailment in Cumbria last Friday night killed one person, and caused a renewed bout of soul-searching over the state of British railways. An initial report suggested that some points had been interfered with.

Italy's new prime minister Romano Prodi won a vote of confidence in the Senate. His administration replaces one defeated last week, headed by himself.

Stock markets lost about 5% of their value during the week, following a restriction on the holding of capital in Red China. Commentators suggested that this was a due correction.

Switzerland's army briefly entered Liechtenstein this week. A force of approximately 170 crossed the border on Thursday morning, and marched almost 1,5km into Liechtenstein before realising that they had taken a wrong turning, and marching straight back.

The BBC was prevented from broadcasting further details of the cash-for-peerages trail. The injunction, obtained by the Attorney General, acting on a request from the police, prevented the broadcaster from presenting information about an email, from someone who may or may not have been Downing-street adviser Ruth Turner, to someone who may or may not have been Labour party fundraising supremo Michael Levy. This is the first injunction sought in the cash-for-peerages case.

Sunday's Estonian parliamentary elections were marked by almost 20% of votes being cast online.

Seven weeks until the first round of presidential elections in France, and les scores sur les portes sont: M. Popup 31% (+3%), Mme. Royal 25% (-4%), M. Bayrou 19% (+2%), M. le Pen 12% (+0,5%), les Autres 12,5% (0%). In the run-off round, M. Popup leads Mme. Royal by 54-46. Over the next few weeks, we can expect the Autres to leave the poll, having failed to attract the required 500 nominations from elected politicians. Some of them will go to Mme. Royal, some to M. Bayrou; with five of the seven being from the left, there's not much space for the right-wing candidates le Pen and Popup to advance into.

Obituaries this week include Charles Forte, hotelier; and Lena Jeger (2), perpetual backbencher of the Wilson years.

In sports, Montceau of the Fourth Division has made the semi-finals of the French national cup, adding Lens to their Obelix-like collection of scalps in the earlier rounds. The Spanish league tilted towards Sevilla, after the side won 2:1 against Barcelona. Ole Einar Bjoerndalen has failed to secure any medals at the world cross-country skiing championships, finishing down the field in the short events. The 50km individual race ended in a photo-finish between two other Norwegians.

News

25February

A series of explosions and subsequent fires aboard an India to Pakistan express train killed at least 65 people. The attack came one day before Pakistan's foreign minister visited India.

The Italian government has resigned after losing a vote on the deployment of troops to Afghanistan, but was replaced in office by itself. The British government announced that it would withdraw 1600 troops from southern Iraq over the next months, but shied away from its earlier hints of a further 2000 withdrawals by the end of the year, and sent more troops to Afghanistan.

The Financial Times reported that 47% of Britains believed migration within the European Union had been a drain on the country's economy, and that 66% said there were too many foreigners in the country. This contradicts the opinion of the Bank of England, which found little evidence that migration has depressed wages or cost jobs. It does, however, concur with the racist and xenophobic attitudes portrayed by the Murdoch and Rothermere rags.

The direct flight from St. John's to London will resume; niche carrier Astraeus will fly from Gatwick to Newfoundland each Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday, beginning in May. The flight will be an extension of an existing flight to Deer Lake. The return fare looks to be about £425 per person.

More aviation news, and parcel company DHL has threatened to cancel its order for Airbus 380 aircraft. The planes were due to arrive approximately eight months late, which rather serves Airbus right for sending them by Royal Mail.

Obituary: Dermot O'Reilly, singer with traditional Newfoundland group Ryan's Fancy. The group released twelve albums during the 70s and early 80s, and drove the cultural heart of the nation into homes across Canada. George Jellicoe, a hedonist and politician who is best remebered for resigning from the Heath government at the first hint of scandal.

In sport, Italy picked up a first-ever away win, 37:17 at Scotland. Ireland beat England 43:13, and France overcame Wales, 34:21.

With 56 days to go, the latest polls in the presidential election: Mme. Royal 29% (+2), M. Popup 28% (-5%), M. Bayrou 17% (+1), M. Lepen 11,5% (+0,5%), sept autres 12,5%. In the direct run-off, M. Popup is indicated a 51-49 winner, well within the margin of sample error.

News

18February

A referendum in Portugal on abortion has ended with a non-binding majority. Only 40% of voters cast a ballot; of these, 59% said, yes, they would allow termination in the first ten weeks of pregnancy. The nation's prime minister, Jose Socrates, said that he would introduce a bill to this effect in the nation's parliament.

North Korea has agreed to take steps towards nuclear disarmament, following six-party talks in Peking. The socialist state will close its Yongbyon reactor within 60 days, in exchange for 50,000 tonnes of fuel aid, the first payment in a million-tonne ransom.

The Canadian parliament has set binding rules to meet its Kyoto targets. It's a defeat for the Conservative government, which sees carbon dioxide reduction as a fool's errand.

Moral panic of the week centred around a spate of shootings in south London, apparently related to a turf war by drugs gangs. No-one has picked up on the truism that if one makes the posession of guns a criminal offence, then only criminals will have guns. Or that the drugs barons only operate because of society's prohibitions against some drugs.

Obituary: Mike Oborski, former mayor of Kidderminster and leading member of the Liberal Party.

News

11February

Fatah and Hamas have agreed to form a government of national unity in Palestine. The groups dominate politics in the occupied nation, and resolved their differences of approach during talks in Mecca.

Seven bombs were sent through the post in the UK, mostly to targets connected with the enforcement of driving laws. Police would not be drawn on the apparent connection.

The European Union has announced strict new regulations on the carbon dioxide emissions of vehicles. New cars would be allowed to emit 120 grammes of CO₂ per kilometre, compared with 160g at present.

Last week's outbreak of bird 'flu has been traced back to a poultry gulag in Hungary. The firm and the Hungarian government are both trying to convince a sceptical world that a random migrating bird, rather than human intervention, is responsible for this disease. Sales of chilled and frozen turkey have fallen by 10%.

The Hilton hotel chain announced that they would not allow holders of Cuban pass-ports to check into their establishments. A British parliamentary committee promptly cancelled its booking in revenge.

French presidential candidate Ségolène Royal has proposed her manifesto. Many of the 100 points on her agenda are directly cribbed from the Socialist party's policy document, but she will introduce citizen's juries to evaluate the work of the Assemblie National, and will introduce militaristic boot-camps for young offenders. The minimum wage will rise by a fifth to €1500 per month, and she will build 120,000 low-rent homes each year. Not personally, you understand.

Amongst the deceased this week is Frankie Laine, whose record of chart dominance - two or more records in the top ten for eight consecutive weeks - will never be bettered.

At the world biathlon championships, an upset in the men's 20km race, with Raphael Poiree winning gold, beating Michael Greis by 26 seconds. Michal Slesingr finished a further ten seconds behind. After the race, M. Poiree announced that he would be retiring from the sport, with effect from the end of the season next month. Linda Grubben won the women's race, beating Florence Baverel-Robert by more than a minute. Martina Glagow was a further half-minute back.

The mixed relay race was won by Sweden (Helena Jonsson, Anna Carin Olofsson, Bjoern Ferry, Carl Johan Bergman), ahead of France and Norway. The men's relay went to Russia (Ivan Tcherezov, Maxim Tchoudov, Dmitri Iarochenko, Nikolay Kruglov), ahead of Norway and Germany. Andrea Henkel, Martina Glagow, and Kati Wilhelm comprised a German 1-2-3 in the women's mass start. The German side (Glagow, Henkel, Magdalena Neuner, Wilhelm) won the women's relay ahead of France and Norway. The men's mass start was won by Michael Greis, from Andreas Birnbacher and Raphael Poiree.

News

4February

Production has resumed at the Longbridge car plant, 662 days after the plant was closed by the Labour government.

The Casino Advisory Panel has recommended Manchester to be the site of a proposed massive casino, where 2000 people can throw their money down slot machines at once. Fifteen other areas, mostly Labour marginals, will suffer from smaller casinos.

A court in Munich has ordered the arrest of 13 people, including suspected Cee Eye Eh agents, accused of kidnapping and torturing a German national. Khaled el-Masri says he was abducted in Macedonia in December 2003 and held until May 2004 in Afghanistan.

France has banned smoking in offices and public buildings; the restriction will extend to bars and restaurants next January.

Police in Britain have arrested nine people, who they claim to be planning something. No proof of the lurid claims made by police - and widely reported in lesser media - has yet been presented.

The UMP candidate for April's French election has been in London. Nicolas Sarkozy has popped up with prochain ancien British prime minister Mister Tony Blair, and held an election meeting. Our better namesake, Iain Dale, has a summary of the speech. M. Sarkozy's opponent, Séolène Royal, has been let down by her translator, who failed to pick up a Nazi slur by a Hizbollah official; and by Montréal radio station CQOI, who have made her the target of their prank phone calls. If the election goes down to a two-horse race between Mme. Royal and M. Sarkozy, it's a tight matter. However, both candidates will need to beat the other rivals - the possible candidacy of M. Chirac, the certain candidacy of last time's runner-up M. le Pen, the left-wing activist M. Bové, and the centrist M. Bayrou.

Prochain ancien British prime minister Mister Tony Blair has been interviewed by police. Again. The second meeting took place on 26 January, but the police requested that the information be surpressed for almost a week. Mister Blair may also face charges after forcing a bribery investigation to stop; the Attorney General says that a plea-bargain was offered last autumn.

A United Nations report has stated that there's a greater than 90% chance that human activity is responsible for a heating of the world's climate. Human inactivity, and policies that are (literally) smoke and mirrors, will be the cause of many of the catastophes that result.

The United Nations plans to make Kosov@ a self-governing, multi-ethnic democracy, with the right to negotiate and conclude its own agreements. The plan, proposed by Finland's Martii Ahtisaari, does not include formal independence for the disputed province, territorially within Serbia but mostly comprising Albanians.

H5N1, an avian virus that may threaten humans, has been found on an industrial poultry farm in Suffolk. This should not come as a huge surprise - a report in June last year said that the main infection route is the poultry industry sending its products and wastes around the world through a multitude of channels. Infection has almost precisely followed the trade routes used by big poultry, and bears a very slim correlation with migratory routes. It's almost comical that the first serious outbreak in the UK has occured at the most well-known industrial poultry firm.

The worst single explosion of the four-year civil war in Iraq has killed 130 people.

The week-end's football programme in Italy, and a friendly match next Wednesday have been postponed following the death of a police officer. The officer died after being hit by a home-made bomb during riots at the Serie A match on Friday between Palermo and Catania. A previous suspension of matches, in February 1995, failed to provide a solution to the race wars that have dogged Italian football for the last two decades.

The world biathlon championships have been taking place in Antholz. Guess who has won the men's sprint and pursuit races. Minor medallists in Saturday's sprint went to Michael Schlesingr (Cze) and Andriy Deryzemlya (Ukr); in Sunday's pursuit, the other two on the podium were Maxim Tchoudov (Rus) and Vincent Defrasne (Fra). They were over a minute behind Ole Einar Bjorndalen, adding another two titles to his oversized trophy cabinet. The women's sprint was won by Magdalena Neuner (Ger), ahead of Anna Carin Olofsson (Swe) and Natalia Guseva (Rus). Neuner also won the pursuit, beating Linda Gruben (Nor) and Olofsson.

News

28January

The ultra-nationalist SRS was the largest party in Serbia's general election last Sunday, winning 28.5% of the vote; it is expected to be excluded from government. The Democrats (22.9%) and Socialists (17%) will lead the coalition talks.

Beiruit was paralysed by a general strike on Tuesday, called by the opposition party Hezbollah. The protesters, an alliance of shi'ites and christians, want the pro-western government to stand down.

In Britain, the director of public prosecutions has said that there is no war on terror, that the Labour party is over-reacting and abandoning its values, and that the implement commonly used for digging in a garden is a spade.

The British government wishes to nationalise the country's universities by stealth. That's the only conclusion we can draw from a letter sent to Oxford University objecting to the institution exercising its right to self-government. A plan for the academics to cede power to external people, including bankers, was turned down last year; the government's funding quango now wants to throw its weight about.

Plans were leaked to split the Interior ministry into two parts. The man we now have to refer to as the Justice minister, John Reid, said this week that Britain's jails are full, and that judges might help the problem by only jailing the most dangerous criminals. Some judges have made a statement by releasing some criminals who might normally be considered for jail, such as paedophiles. Others have said that they will not be dictated to by here-to-day-gone-to-morrow politicians.

Blairwatch has discovered the specification for Number 10's email system. Strict provisions for wiping all traces of email attachments, files and user credentials ... would be critical.

Clive Goodman, the former royal reporter at the News of the Screws, has been sent to jail for four months. His crime was to gain unauthorised access to the mobile telephone mailboxes of the Windsor family and other celebrities. The paper's editor, Andy Coulson, was forced to resign; the paper's proprietor, Rupert Murdoch, is still at liberty and has not commented.

Commuters between Bath and Bristol refused to purchase tickets on Monday, in a protest against the poor quality of service provided in recent weeks. A reduction in the number of trains, and in the length of those that run, has resulted in overcrowding and delays.

Two islands are vying to be Craggy Island. Inis Mor is holding a Father Ted festival next month, featuring such entertainments as a Lovely Girls contest and Hunt the Father Jack. Inis Oirr, where the show's opening titles were filmed, claims that it is the real Craggy Island.

Obituary: Colin Thurston, producer of the early Duran Duran albums and Kajagoogoo's Too shy.

Sport, and Fabrice Desvignes is the winner of this year's Bocuse d'Or, the world championship of competitive cookery. M Desvignes works at the Presidence du Sénat in Paris.

News

21January

North Europe was hit by violent storms on Thursday and Friday, leaving at least 45 people dead. British train services were restricted to 80 kph, German long-distance services stopped entirely. Schools in Berlin were closed, and people in the Netherlands were advised to stay at home.

Edmund Stoiber announced that he was to step down as premier of Bavaria. Mona Sahlin was elected leader of Sweden's opposition Social Democrat party.

British politics was dominated by a row over apparent racism on a celebrity edition of Big Brother. Opposition leader David Cameron reminded viewers that there was such a thing as an OFF button; over 1% of viewers lodged a formal complaint with the UK television regulator.

Ruth Turner, a close aide of prochain ancien British prime minister Mister Tony Blair, was arrested by police investigating the loans-for-peerages scandal. She was released without charge.

Red China has blown up a satellite by launching a missile at it. The orbiting robot, a Red Chinese weather bot, was destroyed by the impact. Many nations have written strong letters to Peking, protesting against the notion of launching arms into space.

Sports news, and there were no upsets in the French Cup round of 32, though Nice and Bordeaux were both taken to penalties by lower-division sides. Calais's dream of competing in Europe is over, after losing 2:1 to Sedan.

News

14January

R. Kelly has moved one of his many children from a state to a private school, because the child has been diagnosed with significant learning difficulties. The former education minister, speaking through the Downing-street press office, said that the move was necessary because there was insufficient state provision to educate the child locally. This was disputed by Tower Hamlets council, Our schools are well-resourced and provide high-quality education for all. R Kelly did not point out that the government of which he has been a part has slashed the spending on children with significant learning difficulties. Many have attacked R Kelly for failing to fight to provide the best for everyone, but taking the selfish option.

The British interior ministry came in for criticism over its slapdash approach to recording crimes committed by Britons overseas. Until last year, reporting of these convictions prior to their notification by foreign official was voluntary, yet the interior ministry still had a backlog of cases. Much of the criticism centred on the hypothesis that some of these people might be working with the vulnerable in society, and this alone was sufficient to cause a public danger; no meaningful proof of this conjecture has yet been offered.

A helicopter raid in southern Sudan has killed many people. The raiders, believed to be linked to the military junta that's seized power in the Potomac drainage basin, claim that they were pursuing terrorists.

Mengistu Haile Mariam, the former leader of Ethiopia, has been sentenced to life in prison on genocide charges. Mr. Mengistu was found guilty last year, after a trial lasting 12 years and conducted in his absence. Mr. Mengistu has been in exile since yielding the reins of power in 1991. His current residence, Zimbabwe, does not propose to extradite him back to serve his jail sentence.

The military junta that has unlawfully seized power in some provinces of southern Canada has called for an increase in the number of troops occupying Iraq. The party's figure-head, a drunken imbecile from Connecticut, wants to send a further 20,000 army members to the country. Analysts believe it is unlikely that this will meet the stated objective, of supporting the Iraqi insurgents from the loyal defenders of the country's independence. The junta has stated that defeat is not an option; the consensus opinion amongst strategists is that calamity, plucked from the jaws of disaster, is a certainty.

Prochain ancien British prime minister Mister Tony Blair has launched a national debate into the future of the country's armed forces. Like all Labour debates, the outcome has been pre-ordained.

The right-wing UMP party has chosen its candidate for the French presidential election. Nicholas Sarkozy, the pop-up politician whose policies are wank fantasies for David Plunkett, was nominated without opposition. His victory webcast was boycotted by the party's previous nominee, outgoing president Jacques Chirac.

In sports news, Mr. David Beckham, an association football player, has moved from Real Madrid to the Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles Galaxy. British press reports suggest that the former England captain will earn approximately €200 million over the five-year contract.

Silly scientific study of the week shows that forcing teen-agers to attend school in the morning is sub-optimal, says researcher.

News

7January

In Iraq, a group of hooded and masked men kidnapped another Iraqi, taunted him, and killed him. A video of the incident was made, and distributed through the internet. It cannot be confirmed that the dead man was President Sadaam Hussein, or one of his many body doubles. Nor can it be confirmed, as British foreign minister (outside Europe) Margaret Beckett claims, that this was the will of the Iraqi populace. Prochain ancien British prime minister, Mister Tony Blair, has refused to comment.

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