Stream of consciousness time.

1. An friend returns after three months away; this is more important than Liverpool winning the cup final. (Spoiler! Oh.)

2. The letter that's going around asking for Mister Tony Blair to name his date. There's another in the Torygraph. The Blairite bruiser John Reid (the cross between a rhino and an elephant) was on the telly at lunchtime accusing Gordon Brown of being behind the unpopularity. No, it stems from Labour being shit. D'Ancona suggests that Mr Reid is the emergency "Stop Brown" candidate for the ultra-Blairite.

Mr Reid went on to wibble about how getting rid of Mister Blair would mean Labour wasn't keeping its promises, and would inevitably interfere with the progress that his administration had achieved. This claim can be attacked on many levels. It is predicated on the Labour government being successful at improving public services, when the impartial evidence is undecided at best. The NHS is no safer than it was, education has not improved, and the economy's stability has been built purely by mortgaging the future. And Labour keeping its promises? What about keeping some of the 1997 manifesto commitments, such as this on the health service:

"Labour will end the Conservatives' internal market in healthcare. The planning and provision of care are necessary and distinct functions, and will remain so. But under the Tories, the administrative costs of purchasing care have undermined provision and the market system has distorted clinical priorities. Labour will cut costs by removing the bureaucratic processes of the internal market."

Or this, number eight from Labour's Top Ten:

"An integrated transport policy to fight congestion and pollution".

Or this one:

We are committed to a referendum on the voting system for the House of Commons. An independent commission on voting systems will be appointed early to recommend a proportional alternative to the first-past-the-post system.

Mr Reid, I look forward to hearing when Labour will be honouring these promises, for you have asserted that it would be impossible for an honourable party not to do so.

3. Popular search terms on this site last month included
albania land
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the so alarming that we've had to put it behind a thick line ann coulter cunnilingus rice,
and the even more alarming johnny vaughan denise van outen especially for you video

4. Questions people are asking: how many top 10 uk singles have the bee gees had to date Two - the fast one, and the slow one.
esli v serdce zhivet lyubov lyrics I would assume it went "Esli v Serdce, esli v serdce, zhivet ly-ubov! Zhivet ly-ubov!" to a fast techno beat.
i have a teensie weensie penis miss You are John Prescott and I claim my free dinner. Which you've eaten.
what are some reasons why people don't vote You are still John Prescott, and I'm hungry.

5. M'learned friend Brig Bother writes about the French show Cresus. It's a mix between Fact or Fib (off of Early Bird, C4Daily fans), the In The Red round from Jet Set, a random round from top Daniels / Monkhouse show Wipeout, the final from Grand Slam (but without the amazing voice-off skills of Nick Rowe), and an endgame that is a bit novel. Oh, and it's hosted by a bloke who looks a lot like Christopher Price.

6. Piers Moron has launched a newspaper for children. First News is a bright tabloid, with a front page that combines sport, celeb, and asking the hard questions. "What's the point of local elections?" is in one box; if only the grown-up press would ask the same question. If only the grown-up press would use its front-pages as well - three large stories and five teasers compete for space. This bears comparison with the Indytab, which rarely has more than one story and two teasers; or the Universal Daily Registertab, typically two stories and one teaser.

The market leader is the BBC's Newsround, which reported on the launch. (Caution: link contains picture of Moron.) It's not the first time that there's been a newspaper for children - the Children's News was published into the 1960s, and there were a couple of junior papers circa 1990 - the Indy came from the Independent stable, but folded after about a year; I think First Times was the rival, but that also went after a year or so. Anyone remember any more about these publications?

7. The Sunset Times reports that narrower motorway lanes will lead to more traffic. Squeezing in four lanes where there were three, making them six inches narrower, and enforcing variable speed limits will combine to reduce overtaking, diminish the stop-start nature of British driving, and ensure the maximal throughput of vehicles. It's obvious, really. The ultimate end will be to reduce the carrigeway to about 10 lanes, each six foot wide, allowing an almost infinite number of pedal cycles per hour through.

8. A very enjoyable edition of Question Muck on Thursday, rather overshadowed by the following election results. It was the Silver Jubilee of Beckett. Panellists were: Shadow from The Games (full name: Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury Julia Goldsworthy Empee), making her debut; William Hague (former Conservative leader, making his 7th appearance); Margaret Beckett (former Labour leader, at the time of recording the minister for ruining the English countryside, since shuffled to toady at the Foreign Office with no responsibility for Europe, her 25th appearance); and Richard Littlejohn from Wanted (his sixth appearance).

We had one bloke who gave his apologies for forgetting one of the recent Conservative leaders, another who seemed to be chatting Mrs Beckett up. Mr Littlejohn is always good entertainment, and continued to mix populism and borderline racism. Mr Hague gave a fantastic analogy, suggesting that if one continues to be governed by people who are staying in office to sort out the mess they've created, we'll end up being governed by a bunch of incompetents. Then Mrs Beckett chimed in with a crack at the Tories, just proving Mr Hague's point. Shadow was a shadow, completely dominated by the grand dame of QM and by two fantastic entertainers. One dog that didn't bark, because the show was recorded in London, was the mess that Mrs Beckett's department has made of the single payment to farmers - she wouldn't have survived the hour outside of a city. The long exchange about the environment dragged terribly, but honours must go to Mr Littlejohn. He mused about John Prescott taking up cycling and being followed by a fleet of cars. One of them would contain his packed lunch.

9. Gladiators is getting repeats on Challenge, as usual, and the current shows are the International series that originally aired in early 1995. Don't think I've seen these since they originally went out, and hasn't Shadow changed in the years since!

posted 07 May 2006, 18.07 +0100

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