"Don't ask me to hate all Arabs." In Belgium, a silent protest at a brutal murder.

Cardinal calls for condom use. In couples where one had HIV/Aids, which could pass to the partner, the use of condoms was a lesser evil, said Carlo Maria Martini. The church official, named after a girlish drink, is a former archbishop of Milan, and is believed to have finished second in the Papal voting last year to Roland Rat.

Yes, it is a year since the world got a new pope, and the present incumbent seems to have done very little to mend the split between his Rat-fans and the followers of other small furry creatures. Rowan Rowyerbote said, "Too few voices are raised in the wealthy world to protest." The Canterbury-based leader of the Church of Sooty went on to say that "There is an impression of intense activity elsewhere," but that he was not seeing any evidence of it.

Mark Shenton, the meta-critic of The Stage, has a pop at the poor appearance of London's theatres.

Unlike the run-down shabby state of all but the refurbished Mackintosh theatres in London, Broadway theatres are almost all in fantastic nick; there’s an air of luxury, albeit in seating so cramped that it makes economy class seem spacious, to the actual auditoria. If we’re going to start taking pride in what we see onstage in the West End again, we need theatre owners to start taking pride in where we watch the stage from.

Shelley on consumption.

The economy won’t go belly up if you don’t overspend this year. If you buy that, you’ll have to dust it. If you buy that, it will break. If you buy that, you’ll have payments. If you buy that, no one will fall in love with you.

Finally, at least one of m'regular readers might be interested in Twitty and the Geek.

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posted 24 Apr 2006, 18.40 +0100

And now, Incomprehensible Spam of the Day.

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Please let me know if we could discuss this value proposition with you in slightly greater detail. I could even send you the company presentation, company profile, development process and offshore business model from Inbem Technologies if you would like to review it. I would appreciate if you can let me know if you see any area of association here.

That was Incomprehensible Spam of the Day.

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posted 24 Apr 2006, 18.57 +0100

A couple of this week's literary supplements noted the presence of new tome How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life. The title tells you all you need to know about this book, other than the fact that the author - a 21-year-old student at Half-old College in Cambridge, Massachusetts - has been paid half a million dollars for a re-heated bog-standard chick-lit plot.

In fact, it's so bog-standard and re-heated that it bears striking similarities to existing works, reports the college's in-house newspreap, the Crimson. The rich fraudster declined to comment, feigned ignorance, and referred journalists to her publisher, a Mr Archer of Louth.

Those sheep who actually went out and bought the book have already started a blog to get their money back, based on the assumption that her work is plagarised, and not on the fact that her work really is a pile of horse manure.

The author's shares on LITDAQ, the Bookworld bourse, have been suspended at their week-end price of ^22.16. Analyst Bill-hub Bard suggests that all publicity is good publicity, no-one ever lost money under-estimating the gullability of the public, but that his original view of the literary merit of the work was approximately correct.

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posted 24 Apr 2006, 19.16 +0100

From the papers: Tony Blair's authoritarian populism is dangerous, says Jenni Russell. "He elided truth, misrepresented facts, and deftly sidestepped uncomfortable questions." ... Stuff the kids, Eric Schlosser's latest rant against the crap cookery collossi. "McDonald's is in some ways a toy company, not a food company."

"The NHS has just had its best year ever," claims Patricia Hewitt, the minister of state for health. What rot. 1948, that was the best year for the NHS. 1949, that was a good year, too. 1952, that wasn't, the introduction of prescription charges was a betrayal of the system as Labour founded it. 1973, that was a bit of a disaster. 1989, another bad year. 2005 wasn't as bad as those, but neither is the NHS treating as many people as efficiently as it did around 1950.

Charles Clarke, the increasingly ludicrous minister for the Department of the Interior, is at it again. He's written a long "rebuttal" of Simon Carr's piece in the Indytab over the Easter week-end. Only, Clarke agrees that the UK is becoming less liberal and less democratic.

We thought his appearance on Question Muck last Thursday was going to be the apotheosis of his career. George Osbourne was good, Vincent Cable was better, Janet Daley was the winner for her point that attack adverts happen only when the parties' policies are so close. During that discussion programme, Charlie referred to, "my constituency in London," completely forgetting that his nominal constituency is actually Norwich South, not the lunatic asylum at Queen Anne's Gate. Still, what's the small matter of knowing your own constituents between friends?

A picture of the proposed tram extension through central Birmingham. The planned extension to the airport will go straight on down the Queensway, rather than turning right down Corporation-street.

Reform of Lords seems to be back on the agenda, with Mister Tony Blair backing a 70% elected upper chamber. This would certainly remove the need for the 1949 amendments to the Parliament Act, and possibly the Act in its entirity; an elected upper chamber would not lack for democratic legitimacy.

But elections would not preseve the variety of voices available to the upper chamber, and lessen its ability to function as a proper revising chamber. Far better would be to select peers at random. Allow anyone interested and on the electoral roll to apply for a place in the upper chamber, and hold a draw to fill the house. They'd then have a job until they resigned or failed to turn up for a significant length of time (perhaps as short as twenty sitting days), at which point there would be new applications and a new draw.

A similar process could be held to select a new figurehead monarch upon the death of the current incumbent.

The death is announced of Peter Law, AM (Blaenau Gwent) since 1999, MP (Blaenau Gwent) since 2005. He will, sadly, be immortalised on David Boothroyd's list of MPs with the Shortest Service in due course.

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posted 25 Apr 2006, 18.33 +0100

Now, if you're thinking about introducing commercials to your website, this is the way to do it. "we must gather as much evidence as possible beforehand. The views of our many readers abroad are obviously vital. There is clearly merit in being an ad-free news site, and we need to understand what impact ads would have on our reputation for impartiality, and the trust readers place in us. But this has to be balanced with the potential revenue advertising could bring in to be re-invested in BBC News."

Still with the BBC, we hear that the Grandstand brand is to be phased out. The show was - effectively - in-vision continuity between disparate sporting events, and that aspect has rather dropped away in recent years. Ten years ago, the racing coverage would end, there'd be a throwback to the studio, and then it would be off to Reading for the snooker. These days, it's almost entirely done by throwing straight from the racing to the snooker. It's a loss, but the battle has been lost already.

The BBC is to open up its programme catalogue back to 1937. Let's hope that this soon includes radio, for it would be fabulous to (say) resolve the query I posed in last week's Week, did Radio Top Of The Form begin life on the Light Programme or Home Service?

This is just one part of a multi-stranded approach to new programming. A dedicated programming strand for teenagers is something long overdue - the Def II strand needed renewal, but not to be left to fester for ten years. Fewer but bigger dramas is perhaps not so welcome, there should be a space for single plays in shorter form than the three-hours currently popular.

Lots of changes on the website: the current Listen Again radio player will extend to television, and there will be user-created content. In other words, BBC Blogs, BBC-hosted home videos, and presumably a BBC Wiki-Wiki-Wah-Wah.

Is this worth an increase in the license fee? A little; it's a terrific effort towards a national starting point, and proves that a society can function without the chilling effects of rampant commercials. Is it liable to encourage users to donate money in return for (extra services | the satisfaction of making a contribution)? Possibly.

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posted 25 Apr 2006, 18.55 +0100

Morality is measured in more than just money. It's about right and wrong. We are a party of principle. We will earn the trust of the British people. We've had enough lies. Enough sleaze.

-- John Prescott, October 1996.

In a development that is remarkable both for its timing and its content, John Prescott has admitted to an affair. This is quite possibly the most gruesome thing imaginable, and certainly enough to wipe the (slightly) more complex embarrassment for the dishon. member for London (Norwich) off some front pages. It won't work to-morrow.

At 2.11 yesterday afternoon, the Interior Minister released a written Ministerial statement about the Deportation and Removal of Foreign Nationals. The highlights, according to my automated verbiage-cuttery module:

I have today written to the Chairman of the Public Accounts Committee to inform them that, to the best of my knowledge, between February 1999 and March 2006, 1,023 foreign national criminals, who should have been considered for deportation or removal, completed their prison sentences and were released without any consideration of deportation or removal action. Beyond some changes to appeal rights, the process for dealing with deportation of foreign national prisoners has not changed fundamentally in recent years.

Over the course of the last year we have been making significant improvements to the system for identifying, referring and caseworking foreign national prisoners to ensure that we have a robust system to handle this group effectively. This increase will allow us to commence deportation proceedings twelve months before the prisoner is due for release, which is the earliest point at which case law currently allows for consideration to commence and will ensure that suitable prisoners are removed from the country at the appropriate point of their sentence.

Out of small acorns grow large problems. At 3.32, his opposite number David Davis, and his colleague Richard Bacon, complained about the discourtesy shown because the press had received a briefing at 12.30. As ever, the hopelessly partisan Michael Martin declined to censure his Labour colleague. Behind the scenes, things were getting worse.

Charles the Charging Elephino had his resignation declined by Mister Tony Blair. It emerged yesterday that 1023 (count 'em!) convicted criminals from overseas had been released from prison without even thinking about deporting them back to their native countries, as should be the standard procedure. "We took our eye off the ball," said the incompetent chump, whose survival in office is looking increasingly untenable. Not least because when he goes, he'll take Mister Blair down with him.

After a tour of all the major television news programmes last night, to-day's press gave him a particularly severe hammering. It's barely a day since Clarke attacked the media for not spinning his way, and surely he knew that he needs all the friends in the press he can get. If the press can serve a revenge souflee while it's still warm, that's exactly what they'll do. Has he learned nothing from the furore around the time his predecessor was forced out? Does this inspire confidence in the Interior Ministry's planned identity register?

This is a watershed moment in the aging of the Blair government; for the first time, they can't look across the Dispatch Box and say that things were worse under the Conservatives. When Prime Minister's Questions began at noon to-day, Mister Blair tried to make out that statistics were only collected since 1999, intimating that things could easily have been worse under the Tories. That defence is shot to pieces within moments when opposition leader David Cameron points out that 288 such prisoners have been released without adequate assessment since July alone. That's (divide through by ten) 29 per month. Call it one per day.

"Oh, but the pace of release has been slowing down," said Charlie on his press tour last night. 1023-288 is (seven hundred, add twelve ...) 735, and they've been released over six years, that's 72 months, that's roughly ten a month. Certainly a lot fewer than one per day.

"The system has been working properly since the start of April," said Mister Blair at PMQs. One per day. That's one on Monday. One on Tuesday. And, according to the merciless Menzies Campbell, this morning, at Home House prison in Stockton, a Nigerian prisoner eligible for deportation was seen to walk free into the community.

At 12.30, Clarke rose to give a statement to the house. He was flanked by his predecessor-but-one, John "Jack" Straw, and by possible successor Peter Hain, not by his regular evil minions Hazel "Tweedledumber" Bleers and Andy "Tweedleevendumber" McNulty. "I am confident we can build on that performance," said the under-fire minister. At 12.34, Clarke sat down again, somehow managing to cut a solitary figure on the cramped benches.

David Davis, responding for the opposition, said that the government had failed to protect the public, which brought about cries from Hilary Armstrong, before she was taken out to have her nappy changed. Davis continued, "In September, Cheryl Gillan asked how many foreign nationals were awaiting deportation; she was told that this information could only be obtained at a disproportionate cost. In November, the Immigration Minister said that all convicted foreign nationals are being removed promptly."

David Cameron blustered a little at PMQs; his final question could have trimmed some of the attack. David Davis was measured, precise, and combined with Ming Campbell's blast, must surely have made Charlie's position completely untenable.

Hasn't he resigned yet?

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posted 26 Apr 2006, 19.15 +0100

Crikey, this INFAX business is fantastic. So good that, er, we've all collectively managed to crash the server, so readers might like to come back to this one in the morning. It's a directory of every show the BBC has ever done, give or take a few.

Here's a spooky coincidence for starters. Or the fact* that all 14 first-round matches in this year's University Challenge were recorded on the 30th of June last year. Or that the current repeats of Raven I are the 11th time this series has aired in slightly less than four years; next week's look at Raven II will be the sixth outing. Raven III will follow, merely the fourth time around there.

TV Cream will welcome the opportunity to do Blue Peter Through The Decades. Here's what this week's edition could be like...

26 April 1996: Katy Hill introduces the British entrants to the Scarecrow Olympics, Tim Vincent goes for a spin round Brands Hatch, Stuart Miles talks to the winners of the Greensnap contest, Romana d'Annunzio (who? Exactly!) looks into a faxes-for-schools scheme, and 911 perform their new hit A night to remember.

28 April 1986: A report on a team of Bristol cyclists who are preparing to ride across the High Andes. With Simon Groom, Peter Duncan, and Janet Ellis.

26 April 1976: Talking calculator, stamps, nest boxes, bronze sculptures, London zoo, Billy. With John Noakes, Peter Purves, and Lesley Judd.

28 April 1966: Chris Trace and John Noakes go underwater swimming at Crystal Palace swimming baths. An underwater episode of Bleep and Booster, and Valerie Singleton announces a competition to draw the next space vehicle for Bleep and Booster. Chris narrates a film from Moon Research Station in USA, showing experimental lunar vehicles. Val and John show some Kerry Blue Terriers Chris tells how the Victoria Cross was introduced to mark the bravery of soldiers in the Crimean War by Queen Victoria. A new VC has been announced for Lance Corporal Rambahadur Limbu of the Gurkas; there's film of the parade to celebrate his gallant action in Sarawak.

That's Blue Peter Through The Decades, surely coming very soon to a Creamguide near you...

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posted 27 Apr 2006, 19.50 +0100

Buy books you've never heard of! A corporate promotion is dissected in every way at Comp.Rev; though anyone who suggests Mists of Avalon is obscure quite clearly hasn't been around my chums for any length of time.

Coromandel, a book of poetry by Thomas Mayer, and read by the author.

Talking with James Heneage, founder of Ottakar's bookshops, and currently on the receiving end of a most unwelcome bid from failing music retailer HMV. The phenomenal success of Harry Potter is, in part, down to this man.

Further developments on Kaavya Viswanathan, the new queen of literary schauden-fraud. Bought her way into Half-old, lucked her way into a contract, regurgitated other people's ideas, then employed a verbiage spewer to turn those ideas into a complete book. Some reckon that this won't stop her career stone dead, but the publisher of the plagarised book is buying none of it. Megan McCafferty's people say that it's an act of literary identity theft, pointing out that the plot (such as it is) of Ms Viswanatahan's work is remarkably similar to Ms McCafferty's. The real author says that the only way to become an author is to create your own voice, but politely declined to comment further, suggesting that those well-known literary agents Sue Grabbit and Runne have become involved.

Half-old's student newspreap, The Crimson, says the august college is disappointed, both with the author's actions and with the glee with which the literary world has pounced on her. The latter shows that the Crimson is stuck away in a Cambridgean ivory tower. Ms Viswanatahan has been promoted as the best thing since sliced bread by a company that is more concerned with its own profits than it is with any literary merit in her work. That's what set the bookworld against her, that's why we're snickering at her swift and public downfall. It's all to do with the megabucks publishing corporations, the sort that can buy the front table in HMV's book stores and pile them high with all sorts of crap. Which rather brings us back to Ottakar's...

A question for those who like a flutter: which of these events will happen first?

1. Kaavya Viswanathan is released from her contract.
2. Clarles Clarke is released from his duties as home secretary.
3. Cyprus gives Greece 12 points at Eurovision.

Bet now! Bet now!

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posted 27 Apr 2006, 20.01 +0100

Advance notice to Living TV's other viewer: Veronica Mars series 2 begins 8pm on 8 June, and continues each Thursday thereafter.

Coming up next week... ITV spends three nights teaching its viewers how to perform matrix arithmetic, then spends local election night asking inanely simple questions (like, work out the inverse of this order-20 matrix) rather than plotting any actual results... C4's contribution is Bradford Riots, a look behind how Labour supporters staged a race riot in Bradford during 2001... On BBC-1, it's Jeremy Vine's debut on the ometer of swing: will he be anything like as good as Peter Snow or Bob MacKenzie?

The Fourth Programme

War Stories on Saturday and Sunday, an enquiry into the Da Vinci code on Monday, a drama on The Last Duel for Tuesday, William Wallace on Wednesday, Owain Glyndwr on Thursday, and Emmylou Harris on Friday. They're getting their groove back.

The Third Programme

Coverage from the Cheltenham Jazz festival continues all week. This month's Lebrecht Live (5.45 Sunday) enquires after the link between genius and madness. The play is Billiards at Half-Past Nine by Heinrich Boll (8pm Sunday). Carol Lawrence, the original Maria, is the guest on Stage and Screen (4pm Monday).

The Home Service

From Fact to Fiction (7pm Sat) is right up my boulevard, a fictional response to the week's news. Revolting People (6.30 Tues) is set in Baltimore 1775. Mitch Benn's Crimes Against Music gets a new series (11pm Thu); election coverage begins at 12.30.

Book of the Week (9.45am and 12.30am) is The Ice Cube Tray Needs Replacing, the gripes of holidaymakers. Afternoon Reading (3.45) is Lost, Stolen, or Shredded, missing art. Evening Serial (7.45) is Conversations with my Bailiff by Wendy Oberman, and Book at Bedtime is Gorky Park by Tim Pigott Smith.

Oneword

New books this week:
The Other Side of the Truth, Beverley Naidoo, read by Olusola Oyeleye (Mo 6.30, 9)
Tales of Irish Myths, Benedict Flynn, read Benjamin Soames (Mo 11.30, 7)
Purgatory, Dante, r Heathcote Williams (Tu 10.30, 11)
The Thin Man, Dashiell Hammett, r Vincent Marzello (Tu 11pm, 9)
One False Move, Harlan Coben, r Tim Machin (Fr 8.30, 20)

North American Telly

PBS is spending the week in the Texas Ranch House. The CBC continues to air more hockey than is healthy.

CBC Radio

Definitely Not the Opera (1pm Sa, R1) takes the topic of good advice, and Sarah Harmer is in session. The annual Choir Competition goes out on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings (8pm, R2).

ABC Radio National

By Design (9am Sat) looks into the world of typefaces; do we really need a zillion? The Philosopher's Zone (1.30 Sat) remembers Stanislaw Lem. Background Briefing (9am Sun) tries to find the Exclusive Bretheren. Rear Vision (1pm Sun) is on the trail of Osama bin Laden. All of this good stuff is yours to listen online, and most of it can be podcasted.

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posted 28 Apr 2006, 18.46 +0100

A few matters that I've rather left hanging.

The opinion poll from last week, and how to match politicians to animals. This was, lest we forget, filled in before the Labour government suffered its complete collapse of confidence.

Mister Tony Blair - Bear
David Cameron - Tiger
Gordon Brown - Leech
John Prescott - Shark
Cherie Blair - Pig
Ming Campbell - Cat
Mags Thatcher - Octopus
Boris Johnson - Fox
Nelson Mandela - Dolphin
Candidate X - Chimp

Since then, we've found that Mr Prescott has been having it away with at least three women, proving that he really has been sharking.

I also mentioned, in passing, that sometimes only a full-on googly will do. On Wednesday of last week, I sent the following email to Livejournal staff:

In the privacy policy's new "Third Party Advertising" section, you state,

"LiveJournal does not share any personally identifiable information with advertisers... LiveJournal shares your voluntarily-provided public profile information (such as sex, age, location and interests)".

I am concerned that the combination of sex, age, location, interests, and other information may be sufficient to allow individuals or very small groups to be identified.

Could you please give details of the checks you have in place to ensure that this does not and cannot happen.

I would expect to receive sufficient information to code an independent review on this point, and would welcome details of any such independent review in the past few months.

That was a week and a half ago. As yet, I have not had the courtesy of an acknowledgement, still less a substantive response. Readers will surely wish to draw their own conclusions.

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posted 29 Apr 2006, 12.17 +0100

Local elections in Birmingham next Thursday, and the leaflets are fairly flooding in. We've had almost three pieces of campaign propaganda fluttering through the letterbox.

First off the mark was Sue Barton (Conservative), who is pictured cleaning spray-paint off a street sign, standing outside a locked front door, and with a couple of people in some shops somewhere. "Birmingham is changing for the better" says her leaflet, pointing up the changes that the Con-Lib administration has made in the last couple of years.

Labour's leaflet was left hanging half-out of the letterbox, something a competent distributor would never do. "Tories cash shocker!" screams the front page, stating that Sutton Coldfield has been given 23% of the capital budget. The leaflet is clearly pushed for space, and doesn't point out that Labour consistently underfunded the rich north of the city during its 20-year reign. There are some blurry photos, and some very cheap clip-art. There's also a message from Richard Burden, the MP for Palestine, Looking Like Harry Potter, Asking Questions Regarding the Relationship Between the National Archives and Broadcasters, and the member for this website.

Both parties go on about facilities for young people, and about improvements to the local urban environment.

The Vote For Change nod for this ward is to vote Conservative. VFC also has hints for all wards in the urban West Midlands.

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posted 29 Apr 2006, 15.57 +0100

Ha! If you said Half-old plagarist would go before Charles Clarke, and before Eurovision, then you a winner! Kaavya Viswanathan's book has been recalled from stores around the world, something that I cannot recall happening to a fiction writer (as opposed to a factual writer who had managed to libel someone) before. Meanwhile, the incompetent Interior Ministry, who has presided over a department that is directly responsible for dozens of serious offences, continues to cling to office by the skin of his (very large) ears...

The Sydney Morning Herald weighs in on the bits 'n' bobs approach to classical music. They're not impressed. "You can no more understand and fully appreciate Beethoven's famous fifth symphony by listening only to one of the work's four movements than you can appreciate an El Greco painting by looking only at its top half."

Mind Games, or playing video games by brain alone.

Have a serious day.

But wedding favours are so expensive. Practical advice for the soon-to-be-newly-weds on a tight budget.

Het Graun's gudie to Good Eats.

TMQ returns to ESPN. It's not enough for me to sub to NASN, though, things have changed in the two-and-a-half-year absence.

Another vampire musical that won't see the light of day, then. Elton John's Lestat has opened on Broadway, and if the reviews are anything to go by, it'll be closing very soon.

When it comes to writing, almost all bloggers are shit says the online newsglob Weird. Those that are well written and insightful are "a precious few needles in a mighty big haystack." A bit like pisspoor journalists writing about bloggers, really.

How come books make a tremendous loss. An explanation of profit-and-loss in the publishing world.

My cultural diary for the coming month is beginning to get a bit full:
29 Apr (ie tonight): My Latest Novel, rock band.
14 May: David Silver, jazz bassist and acquaintance.
18 May: Eurovision Song Contest qualifying round, television.
19 May: Knot, dance piece.
20 May: Eurovision Song Contest final, television.
At some point before the end of July, I have a pair of tickets to use for a CBSO event. Something in mid-late June, probably.

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posted 29 Apr 2006, 16.20 +0100

One of m'learned friends puts forward a magazine cover. "Six tips for the best sex ever" promises the blurb. One: don't involve men. Two: That's it.

Ways to inflict pain on James Blunt? Do bear in mind that he's an army captain, so most physical torments won't work.

My honourable and learned friend Jaeda has a standard stock of "interview" questions. I'm going to be taking this as the Friday Five for this week.

1. Tell me about one event that happened to you when you were completely alone, that was so bizarre that absolutely no one believes it did, in fact, happen?

Well, there was the time that I could swear someone whispered something through the letterbox, but I couldn't find any trace of anyone. But most of the bizarre stuff tends to happen when I've got company.

2. Your favorite quote (excluding music and movies.)

"Young warrior, you have fought with bravery, and though you must now leave, you go with honour." -- Raven.

3. Define "art."

A work, or a process, that is capable of causing the viewer or participant to think in ways that they may not expect.

4. The last breakfast cereal you ate?

A bowl of museli.

5. What makes you smile? (first thing that pops into your mind.)

At the risk of repeating myself, my honourable and learned friend Jaeda.

If there's anyone who desires a set of questions, do drop a comment on the original post. Comments on any replication of this work will most likely not be read.

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posted 30 Apr 2006, 09.51 +0100

The death has been announced of J K Galbraith, the economist and social thinker. He promulgated an idea of an "affluent" society, one that knew how to make anything, and yet failed to provide social goods for its citizens. When I reviewed his seminal work for my degree, the lecturer gave a B+, for the main aim was to get maths students to actually read a book, and then to write an essay. The critique was along the lines of "this is why Galbraith's work is not accepted by most economists."

Another thing that wasn't accepted by most economists and other political thinkers, but is gaining some currency: the Labour party has no talent. Iain Dale lists the under-secretaries of state, the people in direct line for promotion to the cabinet should something happen to Charles Clarke / John Prescott / John Reid / whoever's meant to be in charge at the ministry of Health this week. Here's my take on the people knocking on the cabinet's door.

Douglas Alexander (a question of where, not when, not if)
Rosie Winterton (hasn't crossed my radar),
Yvette Cooper (Brownite, and irritating. Not that this has stopped anyone in the past),
Phil Woolas (at or near his depth already),
Dawn Primarolo (she is a failure, and is probably the single biggest thing holding Bristol back),
John Healey (who?),
Harriet Harman (a known failure, and not while there's the Berlusconi scandal around),
Kim Howells (personable, very much a rent-a-quote; might do a decent job at the Ducky of Lancaster),
Ian Pearson (a poor constituency MP),
Hazel Blears (hopeless is too polite a phrase),
Tony McNulty (not while he's the minister in charge of immigration. Or was it prisons?),
Elliot Morley (at his level),
Margaret Hodge (won't last; too many skeletons in her closet),
Stephen Timms (dull),
Stephen Ladyman, Jane Kennedy, David Hanson (haven't crossed my radar),
Adam Ingram (forever linked with the Iraq war),
Alun Michael (a past failure),
Malcolm Wicks (who?),
Jacqui Smith (over-promoted already),
Bill Rammell (has made no impact),
Beverley Hughes (appointing the minister who resigned over immigration to sort out an immigration mess just won't work),
Richard Caborn (sport is his level)

By my reckoning, that's one probable, a couple of possibles, and some that haven't crossed my radar and could (possibly) do a decent job.

Just for the record, Clarke's trouble is to do with letting foreigners out of jail; the Sunset Times had a smoking gun of someone who has been raped by one of the 1000 criminals. To go all Gus Hedges for a moment, it's not a dead child, is it? John Prescott has been unfaithful to his wife, and the mistress has blabbed to the papers. John Reid has had some cannabis found at his home; the police claim (without any corroboration) that the drug could have been there since the 1980s, and has a street value of approximately 80 new pence. The health secretary was booed off stage while addressing nurses earlier this week.

And on Thursday, the local elections take place. Iain Dale (yep, him again) suggests that Birmingham will pilot a stricter postal vote system, but not until next year.

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posted 30 Apr 2006, 16.17 +0100

Mystic Mug writes: Hullo! Two of the competitors in my 2006 Prediction Contest suggested things in the football season just ended. What happened?

Brig said that Reading would win Division II (or "The Championship", as he quaintly calls it) by eighteen points or more. The final round of matches to-day saw Reading win the division by a mere 16 points. Still, the Royals' total of 106 is a new points total. Four-tenths of a point to everyone who disagreed with Brig.

Weaver said that Forest Green would be playing in the Conference National next season. Even though there are uncertainties around Canvey Island, Scarborough, and Altrincham, finishing 20th in the division would be enough to remain up. With a win against promotion-chasing Stevenage yesterday, Forest Green moved up to 20th, and secured their place in the division. They were dancing on The Lawn last night. 3.3 points to Weaver for his correct prediction, and half a point to everyone who had faith in the team from Dean.

Of course the page has been updated. What do you take me for, a teacup?

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posted 30 Apr 2006, 19.19 +0100

A new number one in Sweden, Ola performing Rain, about which I know absolutely nothing. Bodies Without Organs, the Rednex, and Chipz hold down places 2, 3, and 4, which has to say something.

*20 NE Rhianna - SOS
 19 re Ne-yo - So sick
 18  7 Depeche Mode - Suffer well
 17  3 Sugababes - Red dress
*16 NE Shakira - Hips don't lie
 15 13 Pussycat Dolls - Beep
 14  8 Zucchero - Baila marena
*13 NE Franz Ferdinand - Fallen
 12 11 Eros Ramazzotti / Anastacia - I belong to you
 11  9 Kooks - Naive
*10 14 Diams - La boulette
* 9 17 Zutons - Why won't you give me your love
  8  6 Juanes - La camisa negra
* 7 20 Mary J Blige / U2 - One
  6  4 Embrace - Nature's law
  5 15 Corinne Bailey Rae - Put your records on
* 4 12 Najoya Bejel - Gabriel
  3  5 Orson - No tomorrow
* 2  2 Pink - Stupid girls
* 1  1 Kelly Clarkson - Because of you

Five (count 'em!) weeks at the singles peak for Gnarl Berekeleey, holding off Rhianna and a climber from Infernal. Highest new entry comes from blokes-with-guitars band the Raconteurs, performing Steady as she goes, ahead of Dirty Pretty Things' Bang bang you're dead. Physical releases propel Snow Patrol and Chicane into the top ten, and Will Young misses by just one place. The video for his Who am I single is a montage of clips from Blue Peter, with Will's head digitally superimposed on the body of John Noakes. The effect is unconvincing, particularly in the bit where Will's talking to ABBA, but watch out for a genuine star, as one of the soldiers helping Will slide off Tower Bridge is none other than Konnie Huq, the Valerie Singleton de nos jours.

Not of these days are the Red Hot Chili Peppers - their last lead single made number two in 2003, this time it's number 12 for their tired old routine. Early charting for the Beatfreakz' cover of Somebody's watching me, presumably a top five hit next week. Finnish metallers HIM should have released Killing Loneliness last year - the belated release makes 26 this week, and they've been completely overtaken in the publicity stakes by Lordi. Also not doing well is Nina Simone's Ain't got no ... I got life, which made 43 last week on downloads, only making 30 this.

However you slice it, Damian Marley's Beautiful climbs into the top 40 this week, leaping from 55 to 39 in its third week out. Also look out for Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla, a small hit late last year, and now on the verge of a return to the 40.

Five new entries into the top 10 albums: Gnash Burkly at the top, Bruce Springboard at 3, Rhianna at 6, the unlikely combination of Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris at 8, and the mis-spelling that is Jamie Foxx at 9. Taking Back Sunday do well to make 18, and Wolfmother 25. A soft launch puts Nerina Pallot at 41.

Here's the good stuff on the singles listing:

 4 NE Raconteurs - Steady as she goes
 5 45 Dirty Pretty Things - Bang bang you're dead
 7 30 Snow Patrol - You're all I have
10  6 Kooks - Naive
14  7 Orson - No tomorrow
17  8 Fall Out Boy - Dance dance
19 13 Corinne Bailey Rae - Put your records on
23 12 Pink - Stupid girls
26 NE HIM - Killing loneliness
28 21 Embrace - Nature's law
29 16 Flaming Lips - Yeah yeah yeah song
37 24 Zutons - Why won't you give me your love?
44 56 Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla
48 44 Beverley Knight - Piece of my heart
51 48 Fall Out Boy - Sugar we're going down
52 32 Juanes - La camisa negra
53 37 Sugababes - Red dress
54 46 Source - You got the love
55 41 Kelly Clarkson - Walk away
57 66 Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats
65 NE Tiga - (Far from) home
73 72 Arctic Monkeys - When the sun goes down

permanent link
posted 30 Apr 2006, 19.39 +0100

A mostly warm and sunny week. Is it summer already?

24 Mo cloud                7/13
25 Tu cloud to sun        10/18
26 We sun to cloud         8/15     
27 Th sun                 10/16     
28 Fr sunny spells         7/14     
29 Sa sun                  9/15
30 Su cloud, drizzle       5/10, 0.5

Two and a half degree heating days this week, the winter's total now 805.

permanent link
posted 30 Apr 2006, 19.45 +0100

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