Oh gawds.

(More: The Soviet Union crumbles, a new long jump world record, and the difference between a cake and biscuit is explained. Profiles of Richie Sambora, Status Quo, Motley Crue, and Kylie Minogue. Songs from Runrig and Martika, and what is Davina McCall doing in a round-up like this?)

Oceanic's Insanity is up three to 8, PM Dawn dip four to 7, and Zoe's Sunshine on a rainy day rises two to 6. Arnee and the Terminaters proclaim I'll be back, up four to five, and there are one-place climbs for Prince's Gett off at 4, and the Prodigy's Charly at 3. Though sales of the top two are slipping, the lack of decent competition means they remain in place for further time: Right Said Fred's I'm too sexy is now four weeks at number two, and Bryan Adams's (Everything I do) I do it for you spends its ninth week at the top. As soon as something comes along with legs, he'll be gone.

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Tuesday: World's biggest advertising brokerage announces it'll be getting into the browser market. This site pre-emptively blocks the useragent string chrome, assuming that the browser will identify itself either by that name or its sponsor.

Wednesday: Said browser is released.

Seriously, we don't think that Chrome can possibly be All That. Even if someone else had released it, it wouldn't even be a portion of That. It's clearly been written to make the sponsor look good and letting the rest of the interweb go hang. (That's different from Microsoft's tactic of writing a browser and tailoring its website for that browser.)

For instance, Chrome plays silly buggers with javascript, which is fine if you use a lot of AJAX pages, but they're still inferior to PSV pages. Some will argue that such technologies as TWENTE have proven more effective in head-to-head competition, and there should be tests against CACAK.

A new process for each tab? Mmm, that's not going to cause memory leaks. The program is built on that well-known water-sodden sandpit, Safari for Windows. That's known to crash only slightly less often than the Blobbymobile.

Anyway. We're utterly serious about putting the largest spoke we can into the unmentionable's plan for world domination. We're therefore pre-emptively blocking this program, something we don't do for any other browser.

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From the term of service for its new browser:

By submitting, posting or displaying the content you give G****e a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute any content which you submit, post or display on or through, the services. This license is for the sole purpose of enabling G****e to display, distribute and promote the services and may be revoked for certain services as defined in the additional terms of those services.

In short, if you use G****ebrowser, everything you view will be stored in the behemothic database. That includes your bank details, the confidential documents you're downloading, the emails you're sending.

But wait, there's more.

The Software that you use may automatically download and install updates from time to time from G****e. These updates are designed to improve, enhance and further develop the Services and may take the form of bug fixes, enhanced functions, new software modules and completely new versions. You agree to receive such updates (and permit G****e to deliver these to you) as part of your use of the Services.

To translate: We will put this poxy little program on your computer that phones home. We will force upgrades on you whether they work or not, whether you want them or not. Even if you uninstall our browser, our update program will remain on your computer and continue to phone home. Our update program will not remove through the usual add/remove programs.

People, this is adware. This is the textbook definition of adware, the slime that gets into your computer and never leaves. They monitor what you're doing, throw adverts in your direction, and make it really difficult to escape their clutches.

G****e can fuck off and die, the scum.

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If it's September, it must be time for the First of Nine Finals. Pace Mr. Pokery, here's This Year's Draw for the AFL Finals.

(You're only here for the ASCII art.)

That's two quarter-finals, two elimination-finals, two semi-finals, two preliminary-finals, and one final-final. As is traditional, the Essendon bombers bombed, finishing this season in 12th place, so we expect the Chatahoochie squad to be cheering against Adelaide.

Annoyingly, Setanta hasn't confirmed its schedules, and we might have to rely on delayed coverage on Eurosport2.

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• On Glickoblog: Opening scores for the leagues in Spain and Italy. Plus news of new owners and new management at the City of Manchester Stadium and St James's Park (Newcastle).
• Our new scoring system for cricket (it's still complex), and early rankings. Some of them show England as the best in the world. That won't last!
• Tables for the rest of Europe, and Keegan's resigned. Again. Honest.
• On Ice Crystals: Twenty questions about the significant other, plus outline plans for the remainder of the year.

A well-known large grocery store altered its express checkout signs to say No more than 10 items. The cause of this change is grammar pedants, who believe that the old signs - 10 items or less - should read 10 items or fewer. All of this brew-ha-ha is going to make little difference - the main problem with these express lanes isn't the pedantry of the sign, but whether people can count to ten correctly. Our store uses Hand baskets only, which is far more easy to enforce, and only the pickiest of pedants will object.

Walk, don't walk. Two Doctors gives a personal opinion on environmentally-friendly modes of transport. We'd probably put bikes just ahead of buses, and certainly before electric cars. There's also a report on a visit from a government pollster inspiring guilt for individuals and not at the government. Odd, that.

Frank Schnittger writes about the trouble he has writing to the Irish Times.

No surprises in the Netherlands: Marco Borsato has a new single, Stop de tijd, and it outsells allcomers by 4:1 to hit the top. Katy Perry holds for a fifth week in the UK, beating Eric Prydz by a comfortable margin. The Pussycat Whores enter at 3 with When I grow up, which is a garbage song but (mercifully) isn't a cover of Garbage's song. Miley Cyrus storms up to number 14, the Gym Class Heroes finally get around to following last year's hit as Cookie jar enters at 16. Steve Mac is in at 17 with the hard-disco Paddy's revenge. We've not actually heard it, but it's on All Around The World, so say no more. Neyo's Miss independent rises 39-18, Duffy's Stepping stone lands at 21. Keane and Bryn Christopher have new peaks. New Kids on the Block are back, but not stopping: Summertime can only make number 34, becoming their smallest hit by quite some margin. Even the Flobots can claim some achievement, the bizarre Handlebars goes 71-35. In at 39 is Just stand up, the sort of record that would get slated for being miserable crap if anyone sensible had recorded it, but gets a freer pass because it's for charidee, mate. Not 'arf! Lower down, Metallica's habit of releasing one single a week sees Cyanide keel over at 48, and Basshunter's Angel in the night makes 54, and Mia's Paper planes 69.

No change on the albums, as The Verve hold for a second week at the top. The Script rise one to 2, and Michael Kiddyfiddler Jackson's album is up two to 3. Highest new entry for Miley Cyrus, Breakout is number 10, just ahead of The Chemical Brothers' Brotherhood (11). Alphabeat rise 15 to 13, and Chris Brown is up 12 to 17. The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra is an unlikely pop act, but it's new at 21 with Classic fm songs without words. They're rubbing shoulders with Roots Manuva's Slime and reason. Motorhead, Michael Jackson, and Brian Wilson are all repurposing their back catalogue, and all enter in the 30s, as does Friendly Fires.

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This week, we've been watching and hearing...

• The Conspiracy Files: Lockerbie (BBC2) A brisk demolition of some of the more outlandish urban myths, such as the Helsinki Warning (demonstrated to be spite against some bloke's cow-orker). The weakness of the prosecution case was exposed by the mishandling of physical evidence - the wrecking of a cassette recorder's manual was surprising, and the bloke in the shop in Malta was clearly talking nonsense. Libya accepted responsibility, but it was said at the time that this was a small payment to get the Brits and Yanks to shut the hell up and restore something like normal relations.
• The Philosopher's Zone: Light From the North - The Scottish Enlightenment (ABC RN) Arthur Herman joins Alan Saunders to discuss the role that learned men from Scotland played in the development of critical thinking. It began with the Church of Scotland insisting that everyone have the opportunity to read. Also useful was the strength of the universities, which didn't insist that everyone sign up to a particular religious code. That begat the ethicist Adam Smith, the battling thinkers David Hume and Thomas Reid, and the dawn of sociology. Transcript, audio available until 27 September.
• Lost in Austen (ITV) Elizabeth Bennett swaps her place in Pride and Prejudice with the regular life of Nikki from As If. How would a twenty-first century lass fit in with the stereotypical life of the eighteenth-century middle classes? With difficulty. It's quite simply the Greatest Hits of PnP with an interloper in the plot trying to bring the viewer in. We're too familiar with Thursday Next's world, and note that both try to keep the original plot on track, but setting Lost in Austen up as a culture clash didn't work in the opening episode.
• Between Ourselves (Radio 4) A decent chat between Mr. Major and Dr. Fitzgerald, recalling their times as prime ministers of their nations. Programme page
• Grange Hill: Soap Pioneer (Radio 4) Robin Ince recalls the glory days of Grange Hill. For our money, that was 1979-1985 and 1992-1998. It all went downhill after Dennis left, and became unwatchable when that useless Phil Redmond took over. Programme page

Readers will be able to see almost all of our BBC network radio listening on our Radio Pop pages. Give us a few weeks, we'll give you our brains.

Media news, and Virgin 1215 will rename itself Absolute 1215 later this year. Lute 1215 (as we'll be calling it) will feature a rubbish show by Tim Shaw. Just when we thought the over-hyped tosspot was gone from our wirelesses following his removal from Kerrang!, he turns up on squeaky old medium wave. Mercifully, it'll be hidden late on Friday and Saturday nights. JK And/Or Joel have gone off to television in hopes of becoming the new Antan Dec, Geoff Lloyd takes over driveltime, but we're most pleased to hear that Allan Lake is back! Back!! BACK!!! The best thing on Capital Disney gets exposure on this show. Put him together with (or on the same schedule as) Nick Jones from Sunshine 855 and we're in. We're also pleased to hear that the station will expand its playlist to about 4000 songs. That's still less than half the size of our computerised playlist.

Nonsense has been spouted by the BBC and ITV, claiming that no recent England match has not been shown on terrestrial television. What rot: England's trip to Wales in September 2005 wasn't shown on terrestrial television at all.

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The first Green Party MP was found in Canada. It's a former Liberal who defected for reasons we don't properly understand. Parliament may be dissolved before he has a chance to sit as the party's MP.

The prime minister has resigned. After barely a year in the job, and polls showing his personal approval rating was as low as 29%, Yasuo Fukuda has resigned the job. Mr. Fukuda had been blocked in his attempts to introduce a medical coverage plan for senior citizens. His replacement will emerge in the coming days; the most likely candidate is the former foreign minister Taro Aso.

Police in Belfast have been on a wild lion hunt. Reports came in on Sunday that a lion was loose in the Cavehill area of the city, but Belfast Zoo reported that all their large cats were accounted for.

The OECD said that Britain, alone amongst the major economies, would be in recession during the next two quarters. A careless interview by Alistair Chancellor caused the pound to nosedive against foreign currencies, losing 7% against the euro. A rushed announcement from Mr. Chancellor's department confirmed that stamp duty - a tax on the purchase of property - would be waived for some transactions; the announcement was so rushed that it did not include an estimate of the cost, nor detail of where this money was coming from, nor whether this would actually prove to be prudent economics or merely a £300m (at this rate, €10) sop to the Daily Hell.

The government announced its plans for the new year. School meals will be free for children under 7, the council tax will be replaced by a local income tax (well, a 3p national income tax, because those twats at HMRC can't cope with anything more complex), off-licenses won't be able to sell to the under-21s, more flood prevention work, and hospital car parking will be free. Except, that is, where the last lot signed long-term contracts with charges written in. That was the opening salvo in The Alex and Wendy Show; the first episode proper had neither of the titular characters, so here's SNP Tactical Voting with 25 reasons why the local income tax is a good idea.

Tina Fay's promise to be the first second satirical nominee paid off in less than a week. Her character, Sarah Mikhaelsdottir, has five children with very silly names. One of those very silly names is Bristol. This week, it emerged that Bristol (17) had been doing it with her jock boyfriend Jock, and that Bristol was up the duff. The punchline follows next week, when Bristol releases a press statement to the effect that she is old enough to fuck whomsoever she wants, she is not at all sorry she did it, she would rather have an abortion but her parents coerced her not to, and her wedding ceremony will be all shipshape and Bristol fashion. Truly, you couldn't make this up, apart from the bit we did.

Flooding afflicted south Wales and Northumberland, causing the death of at least five people.

In Moronica, the Federal Mortgage Recycling Facilities have been nationalised. It's one of the largest nationalisations ever undertaken.

We regret to report the death of Geoffrey Perkins. From the world's best dishwasher, that'll be all.

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An unstable south-westerly airflow ensured that the threat of rain was never far away; Tuesday and Thursday were dominated by the wet stuff. A deep depression moved over northern England during Friday, eventually settling off the Firth of Forth. In its wake came an almost non-stop band of rain; from early Friday until Saturday afternoon saw somewhat more than a month's rain fall. By comparison, July 2007's downpour was the slightly smaller amount of 71mm in 39 hours, but almost half of that fell in four hours. This event fell in a more even pace.

01 Mo sun and showers   10/18, 7.5
02 Tu sun and showers   11/18,19.0
03 We cloud             10/17
04 Th rain to sun       11/15,10.0
05 Fr rain              12/15,36.0
06 Sa rain              13/16,42.0
07 Su cloud             12/17

Rainfall in September: 114mm; monthly average: 61mm

Degree cooling days: 114
2007: 87/ 91
2006: 327/360
2005: 229/238
2004: 190/198
2003: 295/328

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