(More: David Icke, Rebel MC, Katherine E, Scritti Politti, and Feargal Sharkey. With songs from the Definition of Sound and James.)

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DAB news. Digital One is now entirely owned by Arquiva, or NTL Transmission, or whatever they're calling themselves this week. The people who run the transmitters, anyway. In preparation for the new owners, GWR closed down The Jazz and Capital Life, and elected not to renew the BFBS trial service. Planet Rock remains on air, at least until the end of April, in case it can be sold as a going concern. All of this leaves D1 transmitting Classic FM, Virgin 1215, Talk S***t, Planet Rock, some birdsong, and a whole heap of unused bits, a testimony to the contents of Fru Hazlitt's head. Though not her pay-packet: GWR has agreed to be taken over by Global Media for an extortionate price.

Rather appropriately, Capital Life fell off air after the 11pm news last night, without playing Bern's Final Hour. It would have concluded with Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes's (I've had) the time of my life, which is a good song. We'd perhaps have preferred to end with Melanie C's 2006 smash First day of my life, not least because it would have bought Digital One full circle - the first song played when Core launched in November 1999 was Mel C's Northern star.

Life, The Jazz, and BFBS continue to broadcast silence in 48kbps monophonic sound, and goodness we can hear the compression on that. On the upside, Birdsong is now twittering away in 160kbps stereo sound, the same number of bits as are devoted to Classic FM and Virgin 1215.

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It was April Fish day this morning, an excuse for newspapers to print loads of made-up rubbish and pretend that it's news. Here's our annual review of highlights, lowlights, and stuff that caught our eye:

• Minus several for the report from Lords claiming that immigrants contribute little to the UK economy. They failed to show their working and allowed the usual suspects to pander to xenophobic tendencies. Never release sensible reports on 1 April, people will assume they're a load of drivel; in this case, it's true.
• Het Graun ran with Mme. Popup III moving to the UK as style advisor. Topical, but not too good. The Tabloid's treatment of the same story was too obvious, and its Metric Time was a cliché.
• Kudos to the Mirror, Torygraph, and BBC, all of which ran with a spoof about penguins flying over the Amazon. In the absence of competition, we'll give this one the Fish of the Year.
• Dog racing on ice from the Mirror? Poor.
• Digital Spy went on about Paris Hilton appearing in Eastenders, Fearne Cotton taking the head of ITV entertainment (surely that's Antan Dec's next job) and John McCririck going on Dancing on Ice. Actually, is that last one a spoof?
• The NME claims that Amy Whinebag will appear on CBBC's Doctor Who. Can't be so: Whingebag has never been on Blue Peter.
• We particularly liked Language Log's subtle piece. Very subtle. Almost too subtle.
• Other stuff in brief: The Edinburgh Evening News wants to rebuild Meadowbank Stadium in the city centre. Shepherd's pie ice-cream, anyone? Nick Clegg's had thirty lovers? Lily Allen and Friends recommissioned?
• But the most ludicrous hoax we've seen is that Annelies van den Belt is to leave ITV's website to run the Russian arm of SUP, the adverts-to-insults front-company for Vladimir Poutine. Does she have no morals?
• The low standard of her company's work can be seen in this year's Livejournal joke, which consisted of nothing more than a hasty redirect to a video of Rick Astley's 1987 chart-topper Never gonna give you up. Apparently, this sort of humour (passé when one reaches the First Form) still passes as hilariously funny for the inhabitants of St. Francisville. Never mind that the best Rick Astley jokes were in the original 1989 series of Round the Bend with Doc Croc and Jemimah Wellington-Greene, since when a whole fake religion has sprouted from people falsely claiming to have spoken with the intrepid interviewer. Where are the people mocking them, eh?

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This one we expected to publish to-day: Only in Ireland...

Tomorrow, Bertie Ahern's lawyers will stand up in the High Court and say the Mahon Tribunal is not entitled to ask the Taoiseach about statements he made in the Dáil.

The following day, the Taoiseach will face questions in the Dáil about his evidence to the tribunal and he may say he can't give answers until he goes back to the inquiry.

What we didn't expect to happen was for Mr. Ahern - having been granted his protection against the Mahon Tribunal asking how the money came to be resting in his account - would say that he was going to get on a plane and leave the taoiseach's job behind him. Mr. Ahern said that the controversy over his finances was distracting attention from his day job, watching his favourite game show host Naoel AEdmhondis, pondering his collection of house bricks and milk bottles, and declining cups of tea from Mrs. Dáil.

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Two! Four! Eight! A date that doubles with every step.

Dylan Jones proposes that everyone should be able to sum themselves up in a sentence. We eschew such profligacy, and offer one word: charivari.

Michael Henderson writes in praise of a decent breakfast.

Something we couldn't squeeze in elsewhere: Dragonwing talks about London Bridge. Please note the first caption.

While reading newspapers through their RSS feed, we've noticed that a lot of columnists and reviewers can condense their entire work into a single paragraph, saving us a lot of bother. For instance, here's Nicholas Fearn's take on the book Risk:

I recently applied for a free smoke alarm from the London Fire Brigade, who insisted that it could not put the device in the post and risk me fitting it incorrectly; a trained firefighter would visit my property to do the job. However, I was warned that the Fire Brigade has a legal duty to provide a safe working environment to protect the health of its staff and that if a smoke-free environment cannot be provided, our staff will need to assess the situation before proceeding. This shows an eccentric attitude towards danger, to say the least. While fire-fighters are expected to tackle infernos created by burning plastics and industrial solvents, God forbid they should ever catch a lungful of Marlboro Light.

Why do we need to read the rest of the review, or even the book? Mr. Fearn has condensed into one paragraph, and we salute him for it.

Things they can't get right at Heathrow Terminal 5 (Number 843,225 in an ongoing series): the typeface for the underground sign.

Detention without trial for 42 days is too long, says Equality Commission. Our position is that fourteen days is pushing it a bit, and that seven days is about the maximum anyone should be detained without charge.

The problems begin when the clocks go forward, wrote Miles Kington in 1988.

We're very surprised to learn that there will be no beach in central Birmingham this year. We recall taking a visitor to the city around the plage, in the square by the Town Hall while dodging puddles caused by the worst floods in living memory and wondering if we should have put a jumper on beneath our thick fleece.

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Stuff from Crooked Timber:

• The pointlessness of paying people by page views. A rational worker will not make full effort at any given time, figuring out that he will be screwed over later if he does. We do have to wonder if Gawker Media (the inspiration for the article) is prepared to pay its writers a fair rate for their work. The current evidence suggests that it may not, and we will be casting our links accordingly.

• Maria on the resignation of Bertie Ahern. Cogent post, but the value is in the comments - in particular, a discussion of how FF and FG are dynastic parties in the sense that membership is inherited. Also on the subject: Steve Richards, saying that Mr. Ahern's legacy is the peace process.

• How many energy-efficient lightbulbs does it take to offset a flight? The suggestion is 7 bulbs per tonne of flight emissions (roughly, London to Halifax or Montréal). Alternatively, one can donate €50 to an environmental charity (or other good cause) per tonne of carbon emitted. Environmental charities include the provision of family planning, because overpopulation is a dangerous problem, and €50 buys an awful lot of condoms.

• On Duties of Justice, exploring the thesis that if humanity owes itself a duty not to benefit from activities that involve violations of rights, then it is in turn right not to take advantage of other people, and it is right to force your views on other people. We agree with the first two parts of this proposition, but profoundly disagree with the conclusion.

  Why do we disagree? Because we believe that it is a right for each person to weigh up the evidence and reach a conclusion on their own perception of the merits, and that this right should not be violated. For instance, a lot of people reckon have weighed up the evidence and found that hunting foxes with horses and dogs is so gross as to be something that humans don't do. Other people have weighed up the evidence and found that such a ban is, itself, a violation of rights. We have no strong views in either direction, and suggest that those who would force their view on us are acting in a way we do find offensive.

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Something approaching sense in Denmark, where Madonna's disappointing new single is replaced at number 1 by Martin with The 1. Not entirely sure why there are so many old songs on random re-release: Why spends a second week in the top 10 for Annie Lennox, and why not. No, they're not back (sadly), but Justin Numberwang's two-year-old What goes around is, Stevie Wonder's For once in my life has hitched along, and Queen's Somebody to love is also in the top 20. Why? (Yes, we've done that.)

Three Muse songs in the Norwegian top 20. Why? (No, Annie Lennox is big in Denmark. Not Norway.)

Stop and stare hits the top in Estonia's airplay chart for Onerepublic.

Duffy has the highest new entry in Germany, Mercy comes straight in at number 5. We should also give a nod to A Fine Frenzy, who appears to be a solo female singer-songwriter-guitarist, whose Almost lover is one of those tearjerkers. It's up into Germany's top 10, and if there's any justice will do the same here. So it won't.

And, as is traditional, the most bizarre chart of the week comes from Ireland, where the new best-seller is The Munster song by Glen Keating and Greg Ryan. It's a hymn of praise to one of the country's provincial rugby sides, and sounds a lot like Right Said Fred's continental hit Stand up (for the champions), but is different enough to avoid the plagarism suits. The song's released in the same week that Munster play in the quarter-finals of the European Cup.

The Count and Sinden come in at 69; about them we know nothing. Bullet For My Valentine come in at 66 with Hearts burst into fire, and REM's Supernatural superserious re-enters at 63. Cherish enter at 52 with Killa, Kayne West has Flashing lights at 48, and Roisin Murphy's You know me better is in at 47. New at 51 comes Jordin Sparks with Tattoo; in spite of the success of Pop Idleus on British television, it's not translated into record sales for anyone other than Kelly Clarkson, and Miss Sparks is the third overseas Pop Idle winner to hit the UK chart - the other was reigning World Idle champion Kurt Nilsen. Still with old songs, Queen re-enter at 74 with Don't stop me now and the Spencer Davis Group storm up 16 to 54 with I'm a man - both have been used on television commercials.

No move at 35 for T-pain, but we're sad to see Yaël Naïm dropping to 34. There aren't enough umlauts in the chart for our liking. Nataaaaasha Bedingplant slips a place to 30. Back amongst us at 29 comes Fragma performing Toca's miracle 2008. The original spent two weeks at number 1 in April 2000, and spent as long in the bottom ten (four weeks) as it did in the top nine. Scouting For Girls might be disappointed to find that Heartbeat is only number 27 (+13); Britney's Break the ice is 25 (+11). No move at 24 for Snoop Doggy Dogg.

There's always something new in music, and this time it's Radiohead's marketing campaign for Nude, new at 21. The gimmick here: they've put about a dozen different instrumental tracks, plus the vocals, and software to allow fans to create their own remixes. What isn't new: Radiohead don't have the highest new entry. Radiohead has never had the highest new entry in their fifteen-year career. 44 other acts have had a chart career lasting at least 15 years and spent 65 or more weeks on the hit parade without having a HNE, including Crowded House, Chris de Burgh, Seal, Rolf Harris, Kraftwerk, Moby, Black Lace, Natalie Cole, Chris Rea, and Barry Manilow. The top five are Texas (138 weeks), Beautiful South (163), Gladys Knight and the Pips (165), The Carpenters (173), and Andy Williams (239).

The Courteeners have released a new song called Not nineteen forever. It's new at, er, number 19. If it's there next week, we'll start believing in a deity of supreme irony - neither The Commentators' seminal N-n-nineteen not out nor Paul Hardcastle's dubious cover 19 got any closer than number 16. Which is occupied this week by Usher, up three. Out of the top ten go Alphabeat (10-12) and Onerepublic (9-11).

Nickelback is almost going, slipping 7-10 in the week when frontsman Chad Kroger was convicted of drunk-driving. But not of crimes against humanity. Chris Brown slips a place to 9, and Madonna / Justin Numberwang slip 3 to 8. Leona Lewis is down one to 7, and Mariargh Cantsing has the highest new entry - the ninth (count 'em!) of her career, though only second since 1998 - with Touch my bum, a cover of the Cheeky Girls' classic*. Duffy comes down two to 5, and Sam Sparro holds at 4 with Black and gold.

There's always something new in music, and the Kooks have the first-ever 68-place climb as Always where I need to be storms 71-3. It's the second-largest climb ever within the top 75, behind only Steps' 72-2 move with It's the way you make me feel. No move at 2 for Flo Rida, and a third week on top for Estelle.

No tremendous surprise on the albums chart, REM's first studio album in four years, Accelerate, is new at number 1, pushing Duffy to number 2. Leona Lewis is back up one to 3, with Nickelback back up two to 4, and Onerepublic holding at 5. Estelle is new at 6 with Shine, James Blunt is back up ten to 8, and the Council Estate Slappers advance 28-12 because their album is being sold off for a fiver. The Foals slump 3-16, Adele advances 29-17, and Snoop Doggy Dogg enters at 23 with Ego Tripping. We were surprised to learn that the Classical Records Adjudication Panel had deemed Mike Oldfield's Music of the Spheres to be a classical album; it slips 11 to 24. Michael MacDonald is new at 27 with Soul Speak, somewhat less successful than his daughter. Best of the Specials is in at 28, and Flo Rida's tribute to shoddy and xenophobic journalism, Mail on Sunday, enters at 29. Gabriella Cilmi's Lessons to be learned is 31, and the Black Keys Attack and Release at 34.

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This week, we've been watching and hearing...

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Suspicions grew of a fix in the Zimbabwe general election, as seats were declared at a snail's pace, and always with wins for the unpopular ZANU-PF government balancing gains for the opposition MDC. It's widely believed that Mr. Mugabe (ZANU-PF) clearly lost the presidential election to Mr. Tsvangirai (MDC), but the national declaration had not been made within three days of the polls closing. Since coming to power in 1980, Mr. Mugabe has implemented many poor policies, forcing the country's farmers off their land in a racist move that's directly caused crops to fail, exports to end, the country to run out of hard currency, hyper-inflation ravage the economy, and people's life expectancy to fall rapidly. Mr. Tsvangirai has led the opposition for about a decade, and has been the victim of politically-motivated prosecutions and beatings. Results had not been issued by Saturday, but forces loyal to Mr. Mugabe prevented the opposition from filing papers to force the release of the results. More

Trivial Pursuit is No Longer Cool: the most Canadian game in history has been sold to a bunch of merkins.

The credit crisis continued to hit home, as various lenders withdrew from the market. HSBC First Direct, the Co-Op, and two branches of Sleazeman Brothers all took the decision to have their money to themselves, rather than risk losing it by lending it out. Both HSBC First Direct and the Co-Op had been offering very attractive fixed rates, and may be preparing to shift back to traditional variable-rate mortgages.

The British government was advised not to change the classification of cannabis. Classification is a system of grading illegal drugs in terms of the penalties due for possession or dealing. Currently, cannabis is a class-C substance; a caution is deemed appropriate for possession. Until 2004, the intoxicant was class-B, with fines expected for first-time offenders. Classification is, in part, dependent on medical evidence of the harm possible from consumption of the drug, and the panel appears to have concluded that rumours of stronger cannabis, and of long-term psychotic episodes, were not supported by the evidence. This didn't stop Anne Moffat, a rent-a-gob Labour backbench-warmer, from peddling exactly those myths to Radio 4, apparently without realising just how stupid she was sounding. The MP charged with the decision is Jacqui Marginal, the nominal head of the Ministry of Funk, and herself a cannabis user. More: Septic Isle

Bertie Ahern resigned as Taisoeach. He will be replaced as Fine Fáil leader by Brian Cowan, the only candidate nominated.

Sport: the FA Cup final will be contested by Portsmouth and Cardiff, who beat Westbromwich and Barnsley by a goal to nil. The Grand National steeplechase was won by Comply Or Die.

We regret to report the death of Nigel Acheson, radio producer; Geoffrey Cox, founder of News at Ten; Jean-Marie Balestre, former head of the FIA.

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A topsy-turvy week: the warm weather that began last week-end stayed through the working week, with the first hint of spring on Friday. It wasn't to last, a northerly blast came down on Friday night, with widespread snow - to a depth of 3cm here, as much as 10cm elsewhere - on Sunday morning. The outlook is for milder weather from Tuesday, but remaining unsettled, so do wrap up.

31 Mo sunny spells       0/13
01 Tu rain o/n, sun      9/14, 1.5
02 We cloud              6/12
03 Th cloud to sun      10/14
04 Fr sun                8/16
05 Sa sun, wintry shwrs  4/10, 1.5
06 Su snow o/n, sun     -2/ 6, 3.0

Rainfall in March: 78.5mm; monthly average: 52mm

Rainfall in April: 6mm; monthly average: 53mm

Degree heating days: 699
2006-7: 486½/499
2005-6: 672/684
2004-5: 540½/556
2003-4: 723½/754

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