(More: Bombs in London, the ground invasion begins, Kenny Dalgleish, Julee Cruise, River City People, Deep Purple, The The, Chesney Hawkes, the Almighty, Living Colour)

Highest new entry, back in at 2, for Madonna's Crazy for you. The original had been a number two hit in June 1985, kept from the top by Sister Sledge's classic Frankie. It's being re-released to promote Madonna's best-of album The Immaculate Collection, and (allegedly) had been remastered to sound spacier. We couldn't tell the difference, it was always an excuse to tune to a new station. There was a new notional B-side, Keep it together, one of the weakest songs Madonna ever recorded, and one we couldn't hum after we've just heard it. All of which meant there's no move, The Simpsons remain at the top for a third week, helped by half term in much of the UK. Which re-release will scupper them next time?

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A survey has ranked fifty greats of children's literature. Where we've read the books, our thoughts are included.

(More: Those books in full)

And we received the following question from a survey house...

Look at the following list of world leaders, and tick all those you have a positive | negative impression of.

• George Bush
• Nicholas Sarkozy
• Angela Merkel
• Romano Prodi
• José Luis Zapatero
• Vladimir Putin
• Ban Ki-moon
• Jose Manuel Barroso
• Thabo Mbeki
• Kevin Rudd
• Stephen Harper
• Ehud Olmert
• Hu Jintao
• Hugo Chavez
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
• None of them

Do we gain marks for knowing who these people are? And bonus marks for knowing which two are out of office?

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Sometimes, we come across something so mind-bogglingly stupid that it has us worrying about humanity. What have we done to deserve this? Can anyone really be so utterly and completely brain-dead as to do that? And we find ourselves wondering, what would a god do? We paged The GOD Organisation, but they were having an away-day, Miles Kington was chairing a meeting of the United Deities in a hotel somewhere near Basingstoke.

So, we turn to the next best thing. The file marked Slightly dubious ideas pilfered from Marcus Brigstoke. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

For those of you who haven't seen Marcus Brigstoke on BBC-4's The Late Edition, What? Why? How? Who? is a segment where the host attempts to explain a topical news story using these four question, plus a guest interrogative. For those of you who haven't seen The Late Edition, think The Now Show, only on telly, and without Mitch Benn. For those of you who haven't seen BBC-4, it's channel 107 on your cable system. You know, just between the one with the pink splodge in the corner and the one with the pink splodge all over the screen. The one you always pass over because it's showing something too erudite for your tastes, you SKY-watching morons.

(More: A cut, because our RSS feeder insists we keep articles short.)

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A small earth tremor was felt in Market Rasen, Lincolnshire, in the early hours of Wednesday. One man was injured in the mining town of Doncaster, and there was a small amount of structural damage. Our correspondent slept through the event, but was reminded of the infamous headline in The Times, back in the days when it was a paper of record:

Small Earthquake in Chile - Not Many Dead

The tradition was that this headline was written by Claud Cockburn, a sub-editor who won an unofficial competition for the most boring headline to be published. In 1972, it was used by Alistair Horne for his book on the Allende government in Chile, and has entered legend since.

There's only one, teensy-weensy little problem with this tale: the headline never actually appeared. We've scoured the Times Digital Archive for everything to do with earthquakes and Chile (or Peru, as it's occasionally cited) between 1920 and 1940, and cannot find a headline of that wit. In amongst reports of a series of disasters caused by tremors in that country, we've found four reports that are tedious enough to spark the Fleet-street legend.

(More: Small amount of research done: writer reads the rest of the paper)

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There's an adage in these parts: if you want a job done properly, do it yourself. Indeed, if you want a job to be done and remain done, do it yourself.

Observing these points, new entries in the private blog will therefore be moving to Ice Crystals, where they will mingle with notifications of posts here.

At the moment, this should be regarded as a Beta Test: there are almost certainly some loose ends to be tied up, ones that will only become apparent when it's in use. However, we know these things for certain:

• The server will not spend most of the month being 404-compliant.
• You will be able to send comments without the whole thing falling over.
• The owner is not going to plaster commercials all over the site, then sell out to anti-democratic patsies.

Readers who wish to know about the Weaver will wish to follow the instructions on the private blog. All are welcome.

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Crikey, haven't done one of these round-ups in ages.

Our best thoughts are with Jerry Pournelle.

While his former disk-jockeying partner Fabio has changed horses to manage the English football team, Grooverider is having to like jailhouse rock. He has been sentenced to four years in a Dubai jail for having 2,16g of cannabis in his luggage.

Miles Kington proposes an intellectually rigorous story for children.

Silly: At home with CBBC's Raven And when lolcats took over the police, much to the disgust of Mr. Blair.

Another one for the Best of the Web category: James Masterton, diminuative Australian popstrel Kylie Minogue, and the internet forum.

From the department of what kept you: Scientists discover the location of the G-spot, just over two inches inside the vagina. What bodily organ is about two inches long and can have bits added to provide that extra bit of stimulation?

Hidden game show indicator of the week: bang on target. A researcher is testing the knowledge of French teenagers in whether words are masculine, feminine, both, or neither. She was surprised to find that the teenagers tended not to agree with the dictionary.

On the 50 feminine nouns, for example, the 14 adults all agreed on 21 of them, while the 42 teenagers agreed on only one: cible.

Why might this word be known as feminine? Step forward Olivier Minne, the Antan Dec of F2, and quondam host of La Cible. His jeu télévisé aired daily for four years, imprinting the name into the minds of viewers.

Finally, for now, a fairly large thwack in the general direction of the Wall-street Journal's style editor, who believes that super-delegates, post-partisan (along with its stablemates bi-partisan and non-partisan) should all be shorn of their hyphens. Would Mr. Martin also wish to withdraw the hyphen from extra-ordinary rendition, thus turning something outside the normal procedure into something spectacular and applause-worthy? Hyphens carry meaning; ill-educated scribblers spurn them at their peril.

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New national number ones, and other notes...
Finland Of sacrifice, loss, and reward - Kiuas
Norway Supernatural superserious - REM. Duffy's in at number 7.
Latvia Bleeding love returns for a third week.
Germany Fettes Brot. are new at 3 with Bettina (zieh dir bitte etwas an).
Flanders Kate Ryan moves into the top 20 with L.I.L.Y., as does Vanilla Sky's version of Umbrella.
Ireland Mercy - Duffy. New at 2 is The ballad of Ronnie Drew by Various, Luan Parle's Ghost is in at 10, and Ronnie Drew makes the top 20 with Easy and slow. We know nothing about any of these.

BWO enter at 69 with Sunshine in the rain, REM re-enter at 65 with Supernatural superserious, Sugababes hit 64 with Denial, and Vampire Weekend return at 61 with A-punk. Marco Demark's Tiny dancer was physically released, but only makes 54. That's bad, but for Alicia Keys, number 53 for Like you'll never see me again is prophetic. The Young Knives land at 45 with Up all night.

Pestside begin the top 40 with Us against the world. Leona Lewis has a big climb, but not this week's fastest, up 36 to 38. We've had at least one climb of 25 places or more each week since the end of September, and only four weeks in the past year haven't had a rise that fast. To put it another way, this week's are the 202nd and 203rd climb of 35 places or more since the chart began, and the 65th and 66th since songs were allowed to chart on pre-physical downloads in 2006.

Phantom Planet drop away already, and the Council Estate Slappers scoot up 14 to 35 with Can't speak English. They're back-to-back with their old song, we've not had a 34-35 double-play since Blondie in 1978, and no double-plays at all since the Sugababes on 13 January. Delinquent enters at 32 with My destiny, and the Wombats move back up 6 to 31. No move at 27 for Jay Sean and 26 for Alicia Keys, and that's only happened three times before, and not since 1969. Alphabeat have the fastest climber, up 41 to 23, a song that Lucio on The Only Top 40 Show Worth Bothering With Now That They've Stopped Doing One On BFBS calls as gay as they come. Thought that was k d lang, but what do we know?

Top 20 entries for Cliff Brown's With you (35-19), Florida's Low (22-12), and Taio Cruz's Come on girl (23-11). As presaged by Ceefax on Wednesday, this week's top 10 is last week's top 10 rearranged. Again, this is far more common now than it was in the past - ten occurrences during the 1980s, twice in 1991, again over a few christmas weeks, then on 15/4/07 and 16/9/07, and again this week. There's no move in the top 5: Lykie, Basshunter, Nickerback, H2O, and Duffy all hold station. The latter is no surprise: Mercy was released on physicals this week, and almost outsold the number 2 on physicals alone.

On the albums chart, it's that Bloody Whingebag back at number 1 with her deluxe album. Dear British public: she can't sing, she's not interesting, can't you find something less mind-sappingly dull to do with your lives instead? No? Oh. Goldfrapp land at 2 with Seventh Tree, Mika bounces 5-3, Michael Buble goes 14-4 in a special edition timed for Mothering Sunday. Adele's back up two to 5. CAUTION! CAUTION! Donny Osmond has a new entry at 8 with From Donny With Love, and Billy Fury's Wondrous Story climbs five to 10.

What of last week's number one? The Feeling's Join With Us plummets faster than a Cliff Richard christmas single, going 1-11. Only six albums have fallen further and faster. Going in the other way are Andrea Bocelli, Leona Lewis, Take That, Pestside, James Blunt, the Beautiful South, and Boys II Men; there are new albums from Johnny Mathis and a re-issue of Simply Red's 1991 Stars, presumably aimed at people whose original CDs have worn out. They sold three million copies first time round, there can't be anyone who hasn't got it by now. Much lower, Janet Jackson's Discipline can only make 63, and Los Campesinos do well to make 72. Truly, the album chart shows that this was Mothering Sunday.

 1  1 Mercy - Duffy
 8  9 Onerepublic - Stop and stare
 9  7 David Jordan - Sun goes down
14 12 One Night Only - Just for tonight
17 16 Goldfrapp - A&E
18 11 Feeling - I thought it was over
23 64 Alphabeat - Fascination
25 21 Utah Saints - Something good
26 26 Alicia Keys - No one
28 30 Mika - Relax take it easy
29 17 Hot Chip - Ready for the floor
30 25 Scouting For Girls - Elvis ain't dead
33 33 Leona Lewis - Burning love
36 31 Phantom Planet - Just
38 74 Leona Lewis - Better in time
39 34 Robyn - Be mine
44 43 Cascada - What hurts the most
45 NE Young Knives - Up all night
47 28 Simple Plan - When I'm gone
48 29 Mark Brown / Sarah Cracknell
  - The journey continues
49 51 Daniel Merriweather - Stop me
51 36 Yaël Naïm - New soul
52 46 Duffy - Rockferry
55 50 Paramore - Misery business
56 45 Scouting for Girls - She's so lovely
57 47 Foals - Cassius
63 62 Amy MacDonald - This is the life
64 NE Sugababes - Denial
65 re REM - Supernatural superserious
68 60 Sugababes - About you now
69 NE BWO - Sunshine in the rain
70 54 Hoosiers - Goodbye Mr. A
72 57 Mika - Grace Kelly

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This week, we've been watching and hearing...

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Cyprus: Demetris Christofias (Communist) won the presidential election, securing 53,6% to the right-wing candidate's 46,6%. The main question in the election was advancing the unification of the island, and the extreme economic policies of the candidates was a minor matter. The net effect may be to advance Turkey's campaign for closer integration with the EU.

Hamburg: The left-wing Links party has secured representation in the Lander's parliament, as voters moved away from the right-wing policies of Frau Merkel. Her CDU lost 4,5% of the vote, and its 42,5% allows the SPD (34%) + Grün (9,5%) coalition to become the largest bloc.

In the Italian election, a major surprise. Silvio Berlusconi, leader of the Tax-Dodgers' Party, has announced his scheme to improve the Italian economy. The major shock is that Sr. Berlusconi's proposals are to, er, cut taxes.

Hurrah for the European Court of Human Rights, which has ruled that the convention's protection against torture is absolute. The case arose from an attempt by Italy to deport a man to Tunisia, where he faced inhuman treatment. The court found that the threat of torture against an individual cannot be balanced against any threat they may pose against the diffuse members of society. Needless to say, the Ministry of Funk was not happy; a spokey for Jacqui Marginal said, We're disappointed.

A power-sharing agreement was signed in Kenya; Mr. Kibaki will continue in office as president, but his rival Mr. Odinga will take over as prime minister, and the office's powers will be enshrined in the constitution.

Domestically, the tabloids were full of the latest propaganda tool in The War Against Some Terror, as an under-educated toff was sent to Afghanistan; and the Daily Hell jumping on the ecological bandwagon by campaigning against plastic bags. Missing was significant reportage of a child missing in Leeds, especially when compared to another child missing in Portugal almost a year ago.

We regret to report the death of Janez Drnovsek, former Yugoslav president and prime minister who led Slovenia to a relatively peaceful divorce.

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A settled beginning to the week, with the only significant event a front passing during the early hours of Tuesday. Winds picked up on Friday, as a vigorous depression tracked to the south of the UK; during the early hours of Saturday, these winds were strong enough to blow railway wagons over in exposed sites. The winds continued into Sunday, fed by a polar low that will introduce north-westerly winds and snow showers until about Wednesday; the Azores high will then ensure that fronts are kept to the north, though strong winds could return next week-end, so do wrap up.

25 Mo cloud             -2/ 9
26 Tu rain o/n, sun      9/11, 4.5
27 We sunny spells       4/11
28 Th sun                0/10
29 Fr sun to wind        2/11
01 Sa wind, sun, showrs  7/11, 2.5
02 Su sun, wind          9/10

Rainfall in February: 33.5mm; monthly average: 54mm

Rainfall in March: 2.5mm; monthly average: 59mm

Degree heating days: 573
2006-7: 373½/499
2005-6: 555½/684
2004-5: 481½/556
2003-4: 622/754

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