Gerald Ratner gave a speech to the Institute of Directors, in which he revealed the secret of his success. Yes, you too could follow Ratner's Route to Riches and ride the recession, by selling total crap. A pair of silver earrings, which retails for 99p, and according to Mr. Ratner, had very little to do with quality, was going to fall apart faster than a prawn sandwich from Marx an' Sparx. An imitation open book with curled-up corners and genuine fake antique dust sold a quarter of a million in 1990, but was in the worst possible taste, according to the boss. People say how can you sell this for such a low price. I say because it is total crap. Though Mr. Ratner had been making such comments for most of the time since taking over the company in 1984, the tabloid press finally went to town on his statements.

The Conservative party put together a nine-minute cassette for distribution to young voters. The tape featured a conversation between prime minister Mr. Joe Ninetyone and former England captain Emlyn Hughes, a spoof programme from Radio One Eff Em jock Adrian Juste, and an impression of opposition leader Neil Kinnock running out of money in a phone box.

The government proposed the abolition of such county councils as Humberside, Avon, and Cleveland, suggesting that nobody loved them. They also announced plans to build a bridge to Skye, funded privately. Herr Kohl said that he favoured moving the seat of government from Bonn to Berlin over the next ten years or so. University students in Peking described their rulers as a ruthless autocracy and called for help to overthrow the regime. Reed International withdrew support from obscure west London channel British Sky Broadcasting. Bjorn Borg's attempt at a comeback proved that he was no match for modern players.

Mind the earwig. Fourteen new entries this week, beginning with Guy's Her at 68. Readers will appreciate the reasons why we've not been able to find any information about this work. Jellyfish rise five to 67 with Baby's coming back. New at 66 came Tracie Spencer with This house; she'd won the Moronican show Star Search the previous year, and was having hits while just 14. Fame proved transient, and this was her only UK hit, but she's already had one comeback, and is planning a second.

Shawn Christopher had Another sleepless night at number 65; the disco diva would have a top 40 hit in 1992 with Don't lose that magic. K-Klass put Rhythm is a mystery in at 61, and That Petrol Emotion rose 15 to 59 wih Sensitize, this week's fastest climber. Sting was title tracking as Soul cages entered at 57.

Black had had a brief brush with fame in summer 1987 - Sweetest smile and a second release of Wonderful life had both taken well-earned places in the top ten, and we rather hoped they would be the start of a tremendous career. Colin Vearncombe (for he was the creative genius behind Black) had already been going for seven years, and had been signed to, and dropped from, A&M records before hitting the heights. Another album followed in early 1988, with lead single Paradise grazing the bottom of the top 40. No such luck for Feels like change, the opening release from their eponymous third album. Though the group was dropped after the album's failure, the story doesn't quite end there: Wonderful life was licensed for use in a television commercial for an insurance company, and just missed the top 40 in 1994.

A two-place climb for Deee-Lite's Good beat / Riding on through puts it at 53, and the Italiano-house of Secchi lands at 48 with I say yeah. Elvis Costello is new at 44 with The other side of summer, 808 State and Björk rise 9 to 42 with Ooops, and Carly Simon's re-issued You're so vain is up 6 to 41 - and spends its third week in Scotland's top 30.

Keeping them out of the top 40 are Lonnie Gordon, Gonna catch you is her third hit, following the wonderful top five smash Happening all over again, and the sublimely wonderful (but completely unavailable on ver interwebs) Beyond your wildest dreams, a number 48 flop. This, sadly, was the end of the hits for Lonnie, as the Stock / Aitken / Waterman hit factory was clearly running out of steam.

Also running out of steam were The Farm - Groovy train and All together now had been top 10 hits in 1990, but Don't let me down could only enter at 36. Queensryche's Silent lucidity rose five to 34, and congratulations to Beverley Craven, Promise me has risen 10 to 33. Michael Bolton rises nine to 40 with Love is a wonderful thing, Bananarama holds at 30 with Long train running, and Roachford's Get ready! is up seven to 29. Nomad found that the second single was nowhere near as good at the first, Just a groove lived down to its title, and entered at 27.

Pop Idle alert! Cathy Dennis, writer of the show's theme tune, and of a number of songs thrown in the direction of the winners, had her first solo hit as Touch me (all night long) debuted at 25. If we're being honest, it's an entirely underwhelming debut, being little more than a groove with some mindless noodling over the top. The song sounded as though it had been thrown together in about ten minutes. She'll do much better, as we discussed in 2006.

Gloria Estefan is up two to 24 with Seal our fate, a song that's growing on us as it rises. Ditto for Frances Nero's Footsteps following me, up nine to 23. Seal's back, Future love paradise is the man's second hit; if he's to live up to the dizzy heights that the music industry hopes, he'll be looking for a top ten here.

Another great white hope that turned out to be a bit hopeless was EMF, Children is up just three to 19. Fastest climber within the top 40 is Quadrophonia's Quadrophonia, up 10 to 14; Blur climb nine to 11 with There's no other way. Out of the top ten go the Wonder Stuff (6-16), Gary Clail On-U Sound System (10-15), Madonna (5-13), and the Simpsons (7-12).

Replacing them are De La Soul, the big comeback hit Ring ring ring (ha ha hey) is up 6 to 10. It's the group's second consecutive top ten hit, albeit following a hiatus of almost 18 months. Electronic move up 5 to 9 with Get the message, another group whose last hit was a top tenner in in late 1989. The Waterboys dip four to 8, and Zucchero / Paul Young climb two to 7 with Senza una donna (without a woman). Vic Reeves and the Roman Numerals (no, it's still not funny) are up 9 to 6 with their interpretation of Born free, and James's Sit down drops a place to 4.

The highest new entry at number 3 is the third hit from the KLF under that name. After the tedious rave of What time is love, and the not tremendously inspiring 3am eternal, the third single from The White Room was a little more interesting. Last train to trancentral was the usual menage of beats, shouted samples, and Riccardo da Force rap. Underneath it lay a chord sequence that the Drummond and Cauty had been using for a couple of years; one version, released in 1990, was influential in the development of ambient house. For the single, there was a more conventional song structure, a rush of adrenalin to the head and with cries of mu mu turning almost into a running mantra. At this stage, there's a possibility - no more - that it'll be the group's second chart-topper in a row.

As it is, last week's number one is this week's number two: Chesney Hawkes's The one and only drops off the top after five weeks, replaced by Cher's The shoop shoop song (it's in his kiss). Originally written by Merry Clayton in 1962, it first became a minor hit when recorded by Betty Everett two years later; though only a number 34 hit in the UK, it went top ten in North America's airplay-dominated list. The tune became something of a standard, recorded by people like Arthur Franklin, Lulu, and a minor hit in the mid-70s for Linda Lewis. Cher's cover was made to promote a long-forgotten movie, and was very much in the style of the early-60s original. As we've noted, it's risen like a rocket, soaring 57-23-2-1, and would go on to top the charts in Ireland, Norway, and Austria. A suitably massive hit for a tremendously fun song.

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