Mr. Bush of Maisonblanc executed a U-turn with all the deftness of a learner driver and agreed with Joe Ninetyone's idea of camps for Kurds. He said that he would not risk his troops in an Iraqi civil war, and implied that such a folly would swiftly turn into a Vietnam-style quagmire. Mr. Jeffrey Archer, a perjurer and liar from Grantchester, organised a pop music concert to Save the Kurds for 12 May. Acts set to appear included Peter Gabriel, Chris de Burgh, and Mc Hammer.

Bank and building society lending declined at the fastest rate since 1976, indicating that the UK economy was in the midst of a severe recession. Mr. Joe Ninetyone appeared on the Steve Reich in the Sudetenland show on Radio Onelistener Eff Em. There was a ludicrously stupid spat over how many O-levels Mr. Joe Fiftynine secured at his school. He got six of them, and subsequently qualified as an associate of the Institute of Bankers, a degree-level qualification. This confirmation certainly drew a line under the matter, oh yes.

Mr. Boris Yeltsgin told the European Parliament that he and President Gorbachev would stand shoulder to shoulder to deal with any threat to Soviet democracy. The Supreme Soviet approved a ban on political strikes; it's intended to deal with miners who have been on and off strike since the start of March. A man was found guilty of raping his wife during marriage; it was the first time rape within marriage was found illegal. British Sky Broadcasting was told to pay £100 million to retailers who bought stocks of BSB's Squarials, rendered redundant when the company merged with Rupert Murdoch's Sky Television. British Airways gave away tickets for a day's flights.

Mr. Graeme Souness resigned as manager of Rangers to take the job at Liverpool, much to the fury of the Rangers board. Mr. Walter Smith succeeded Mr. Souness at Rangers, and UEFA allowed Liverpool to return to European football, after an absence of six years. The League Cup was won by Sheffield Wednesday (II), who beat Manchester United (I) with the only goal of the game. The most interesting promotion race this year was at the top of the Football Conference, Division V, where Altrincham, Barnet, Colchester, and Kettering were duking it out tooth-and-nail for the one promotion place - play-offs, at this early date, had yet to be invented. This week, Colchester beat Kettering and drew with Altrincham, allowing the Essex site to take the top, but Altrincham appeared to have the momentum. The IOC rejected a proposal to reduce the number of athletics entrants per nation from three to two, abolished artificial team events in luge and biathlon, but recognised softball, golf, and triathlon as legitimate sports.

Hmm, a second straight Record of the Week from the godbotherers... Sixteen new entries this week, beginning with the valedictory hit for That Petrol Emotion, Sensitize came in at 74. Second hit of the year for Jellyfish, Baby's coming back came in at 72. Another rock act entered at 70 with Signs; Tesla were a bunch of neo-hippies, griping about the way human constructions were spoiling the natural landscape. A one-place climb for Tara Kemp, Hold tight is to peak at 69. Capella was new at 66 with Everybody, and Rozalla's Faith (in the power of love) entered at 65; more on this song later in the year.

The fillum sensation of the moment was a biopic of The Doors. Prior to this time, Jamie Morrison was best known for his Finnish girlfriend (please check - Ed); with this promotion, a myth arose that the Doors were actually capable of making proper music and not just over-hyped ten-minute guitar solos before riding off into the sunset with Elvis Presley. Break on through was the almost inevitable re-release, and could only make number 64.

New at 63 came blues rockers Cinderella, performing Heartbreak station. It's the right sort of blues rock for lazy summers days, but not for nippy mid-April days. Clubhouse were up a place to 59 with Deep in my heart, and the Railway Children climbed four to 57 with Something so good. Fourth and almost final hit for Deee-lite: Good beat / Riding on through came in at 55; attempted comebacks in 92 and 94 came to naught. 808 State and Björk came in at 51 with Ooops, this was Björk's first hit outside her group the Sugarcubes. Carly Simon moves up one place to 45 with the re-released You're so vain, and Beverley Craven is up 15 to 43 with Promise me. The Milltown Brothers climb 5 to 41 with Here I stand, but that's as high as they'll make. Michael Bolton performs Love is a wonderful thing, up 17 to number 40. Shame his record wasn't.

Queensryche are up two to 39 with Silent lucidity. The prog-metal band had been performing in and around Seattle in 1981, and had gained some minor success in the UK with 1988's concept album Operation Mindcrime. Their fifth album, Empire, had come out in 1990; though the title track had stalled at 61, it was clear that the group had enough fans to gain a place in the top 40, given the right conditions. Releasing a song into an unusually quiet April provided the right conditions, and Silent lucidity proved to be the lucky song. It was atypical of the group's sound, at least to the extent that it was a ballad rather than an out-and-out metal wig-out. Unlike many contemporary metal groups, Queensryche did actually write proper songs, complete with tune and decent lyrics, and it was no particular surprise that a re-issue of this song proved to be the group's biggest hit, making number 18 in July 1992.

There's no move at 37 for 22 Top's My head's in Mississippi, and we promise that's the last time we run that joke. Roachford climbed 4 to 36 with Get Ready!, while AC/DC asked Are you ready? with a new entry at number 34. The Anglo-Australian group had been performing their one song (a loud, blustery number) since 1973, having hits with it here since 1978, five times putting it into the top twenty. By now, they were purely a fanbase act, as witnessed by the three singles from their 1990 The Razor's Edge album. The chord progression and general structure of Thunderstruck (number 13 in September) was almost identical to second single Money talks (number 36 in November) and to this release. This was the end of the group's active phase; in the years since, output has been limited to a live album (1992), and a minor studio set in 1995. The group appears to have disbanded after the relative failure of 2000's Stiff Upper Lip album.

Frances Nero is up 7 to 32 with the utterly brilliant Footsteps following me, and Bananarama's Long train running is up 8 to 30. No move at 28 for Pete Wylie and the Farm's Sinful! (scary jiggin' with doctor love), and Gloria Estefan is up 8 to 26 with Seal our fate. Quadrophonia are also up 8 to 24 with Quadrophonia. New at 22 comes EMF with Children; the group's debut album, Schubert Dip, isn't out for a few weeks, but already fashion has moved on from the Gloucestershire lads.

Fashion has come to rest in Essex, as Blur conquer the world, at least for one week: There's no other way is straight in at 20. The very photogenic Damon Albarn, and the almost-as-attractive rest of the band, had been playing as Seymour for about eighteen months. They'd changed their name just before She's so high made 45 last December, but embarked on a magical mystery tour to promote their new single. A bizarre at-home-with-the-family video coupled well with the equally bizarre lyrics. There was a distinct post-Madchester vibe to the song, but it was clearly infused with the band's Thames estuary upbringing. It was an indie song that people could dance to, and it sounded like Pink Floyd before they invented the 20-minute guitar solo. The group had potential, but so did many post-baggie groups.

No move at 18 for the Mock Turtles' Can you dig it?. De La Soul is back at 16, performing Ring ring ring (ha ha hey). It's their first hit in a year and a half, and comes after tremendous delays to their album while they ensure that there are no uncleared samples: by this time, competing claims for the samples used on 1988's Three Feet High and Rising accounted for 117% of the album's royalties.

Bear with us a moment, dear reader, for we must work out how to play the new entry at number 15. Do we treat it as comedy, for it is a record made by a comedian; do we treat it as a serious record, for while it may be surreal, it is not in any particular way funny; do we just bang out the facts and a copy and leave readers to work it out themselves? New at number 15, then, is Born free, originally written by John Barry for the 1966 film of the same name in a recording by Matt Monro. It was instantly popular, winning a NARAS award for Best Original Song, but though it was a standard, it was something of an untouchable standard - only Andy Williams attempted to release a new version.

Enter, stage right, comedian Vic Reeves, with his backing band the Roman Numerals. (V-I-C, geddit? Please yourselves.) He had risen very quickly: from a debut on One Hour with Jonathan Woss in November 1989, he had signed for Channel 4 for the series Vic Reeves Big Night Out (25 May - 29 June 1990). The surreal comedy he presented with Bob Mortimer proved an instant and tremendous hit, and he secured a new year's eve special and a second series of Big Night Out (27 February - 17 April). We don't recall whether he performed this song on the show, but Reeves's popular stock was so high that a straight rendition of a classic number could go straight in at number 15.

It wasn't quite the highest new entry: that went to Electronic, whose Get the message came in at 14. The group was Bernard Sumner (Barney from New Order and The Flintstones) and Johnny Marr (plays guitar in The Smiths). They'd released a one-off single at the end of 1989, Getting away with it, featuring vocals by Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys. The follow-up had to wait for John Barnes to deliver a decent rap on Barney's single World in motion... The group's sound was rock-dance, with meaningful lyrics.

Some welcome change in the top ten: Rod Stewart plummets 6-13, N-Joi drop 9-12, and Denny Minogue goes 8-11. That allows Gary Clail On-U Sound System to climb one final place to 10 with the interminably dull Human nature. Zucchero and Paul Young's Senza una donna is up 13 to 9, and OMD are up 11 to 8 with Sailing on the seven seas. It's the first time Paul Young's made the top ten since Every time you go away in 1985, and OMD's first top tenner since Locomotion a year earlier.

No move at 7 for the Simpsons' Deep deep trouble, the Wonder Stuff go back down a place to 6 with Size of a cow, and Madonna's Rescue me dips two to 5. There's no move at number 4 for the Waterboys with the re-released The whole of the moon, still number one on the MRIB chart, and James dips a place to 3 with Sit down, still the best-seller in Scotland.

What have we missed? The fastest climber. We knew that Cher's song had exploded into the public consciousness, and was going to land comfortably in the top ten. As we counted up the chart, excitement rose: she's top five, top three... Could Cher possibly jump from 57 to 23 to 1, especially given the weakness of Chesney at the top? In the event, The shoop shoop song (it's in his kiss) couldn't quite make that tremendous leap, settling for a move up 21 places to number 2. Chesney Hawkes - holding for a fifth week at number one with The one and only - must surely know that his time is up.

We noted five weeks ago that a chart had had a Last Week column beginning 1, 23, 2, 4, 3. This was it; Leona Lewis has followed in Cher's footsteps.

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