(More: Kyoto, welfare reform, Counting Crows, Bryan Adams, Sting, U2, Céline Dion, and Boris Yeltsin is drunk.)

There's no move in the top 3: Aqua at 3, Perfect day at 2, and the Teletubbies at 1. The 'tubbies were by far the biggest cultural phenomenon of 1997; plushy toys couldn't be obtained for love nor money, and even keyrings were being strictly rationed to one set per mother. The show was entirely modern, with larger-than-life rabbits, a pink windmill, a futuristic cleaning device, and some high-quality music by Andrew McCrorie-Shand and Andrew Davenport. Our chosen piece is Animals, used while the show's heroes are watching a parade of computer-generated animals.

Even before the single Teletubbies say eh-ho, there had already been a music release: a £3 cassette of songs and stories, aimed at the in-car entertainment market, had quietly been released in October. It became the best-selling cheap album of the year, and was only denied a place in the top 20 overall album chart by the general exclusion of budget albums. The show's theme music was released as a single, and a full album came out for the show's first anniversary in April 1998; for a television soundtrack album, it achieved a very respectable number 34. Tapes and budget CDs were released every few months until 2002, by which time the show had finished its production run of 365 episodes.

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For the first time in a couple of years, back to the Eastminster School, where it's the end of term, and that can only mean end-of-term reports.

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Well, that was close. After Compos non mentis, after Foggy, the Lemon Tea Party has a new leader. It's Clegg, who beat CBBC's Dr. Huhne by the width of Rose's bra-strap: 511 votes in 40,000. Unlike Mr. The Soup Dragon and Froglet, Clegg has the approval of a majority of his party; unlike Dave the Eager Young Space Cadet, the election seems to have split the party, rather than united it. More on this in the new year, probably.

• festive countdown
• Decorations seen in any store (13 October)
• Sign saying "So Many Shopping Days" (1 November)
• Supermarket puts in-store mince pies on sale (10 November)
• Lights go on in city centre (10 November)
• Clearly identifiable record (15 November)
• Muzak (generic) (16 November)
• Decorations in someone's home (17 November)
• Festive oldie in chart (25 November)
• Cards sent (5 December)
• Merry Xmas Everyone (9 December)
• Fairytale Of New Amsterdam (9 December)
• Decorations up at work (10 December)
• Card received (14 December)
• Stop The Cavalry
• Chestnuts Roasting...

Just to make it worse, we've already heard Greg Lake's song, the one we dropped from the list because no-one ever played it. The fools!

Another day, another government data cockup. This time, it's names and contact details for everyone who sat the theory paper for the driving license between September 2004 and April 2007. The data were stored on a hard disk, which was taken to storage in Iowa, and promptly lost. Why was data stored on a hard disk? Why was that disk taken to Iowa, fer cryin' out loud? Isn't there safe storage available closer to home, such as in Finland? Why did it take from May to 28 November for the Department of Transport to find this out, and why did R. Kelly take a further three weeks to tell the country?

G****e is trying to create its own H2G2. The original H2G2, an online version of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is complemented by the fact-based Everything II and the generally unreliable Wikipedia. Somehow, we doubt that G****e's masses of witless contributors could ever construct a disclaimer similar to this one:

Disclaimer: This Entry is based on research, not a personal interview. Therefore it perpetuates a flaw found in many other Britney-bios: the dearth of parental mention. Few toddlers are ambitious, and almost no youngsters enter themselves in contests. The parental figure guiding Britney's career appears to be her mother. However, the extent of Mrs Spears's involvement in Britney's career is not generally documented and perforce must be neglected.

Mark Lawson on why day/night Test matches are a daft idea.

Matthew Norman on the police are a law unto themselves, calling them the last great holdout of 70s Spanish practices. Related: Bystander reminds us of the principles of the Peelers

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We've been looking in the OED, trying to establish if care at is a cited construction. Probably not. But we have come across enough evidence to determine that couldn't care less has been used since 1946, while the people over the pond have only been using could care less since 1966. Darft apeths.

From the department of depressing news: creationists plan theme park. Yep, a bunch of people who have become rich in spite of their obsessive belief in discredited myths, want to set up the Jesusland attraction, somewhere in the wilds of Lancashire. If these people want to waste their money on a grand folly like this, let them do it; after all, the complete failure of Blobbyland only helped us to discern the truth about Noel Edmonds. But we draw the line at throwing public money after their dream: we don't pay our tax euro for it to be squandered on some madman's fantasy.

Dear masterhost.ru. Faking your spambot's referrer string to pretend to be G****e will stand out like a twenty-foot high flashing neon sign in our referrer logs. Consider yourselves barred.

Our thoughts are with the people of Iran. Next year, they'll get their first visit from a Western rock star since the 1979 revolution. Well, they'll get their first visit from a Western pop star... OK, they'll get the first concert from someone who has been in the UK singles chart. Chris de Burgh. We were rather expecting a visit from A Flock Of Seagulls, for reasons explained here... somewhere. So long as he doesn't play Teddy bear's jihad, he'll get away with it.

We preferred Fiesta, anyway

Radio 1 briefly played a censored version of Fairytale of New Amsterdam, in which the lines you cheap lousy faggot and an old slut on junk have been obliterated. Suggestions that Sara Cox took personal offence at both lines were completely made up at press time; we recall the "faggot" line being censored for a Top of the Pops appearance at the start of 1992. After new Lib Dem leader Clegg proved how out of touch he was by saying he'd never heard the song (causing us to wonder which planet he'd been on for the past two decades), Radio 1 controller Andy Perfect issued an edict to the effect that one of his minions had cocked up, and would henceforth be making the tea for Chris Evans. On the upside, he also confirmed that his station wouldn't be playing anything by Dire Straits again, ever. Not for the line, that little faggot with the ear-ring and the make-up, but because it's, and we're quoting here, "fucking Dire Straits".

Rod McKenzie (yes, the Rod McKenzie) has explained how Radio 1's news programmes dealt with the matter, including more uses of faggot than the song would have received in a week.

Almost inevitably, Peter Tatchell weighed in on the side of the censors. He is correct to point out that queerist language deserves to be treated in the same way as racist or sexist language. He is incorrect to read faggot as queerist, and this artistic incomprehension leaves him, yet again, trailing some distance behind reality. Thank %deity% for Simon Hughes.

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Another song from 1987, this time a good deal more obscure.

In the beginning, 1964 to be precise, Petula Clarke sang a pretty little ditty about the nightlife of a large city, and called it Downtown. It was a remarkale hit, and set up a career that she carefully nurtured for many years. In the mid-80s, CBBC presenter Phillip Schofield invited his young viewers to send in pictures of themselves out and about, and played them to the sounds of Pet.

Up in their secret lair in the wilds of Scotland, Dr. Drummond and his sarcastic sidekick Cautie were working on a christmas single to sweep away the saccharine glitter and pronounced tedium of the 70s standards, and replace it with something a little less - well, naff. The potion was based on the beats and part of the chorus from Downtown, added in some of the bassline from Harold Faltermeyer's recording of Axel F, and liberally garnished with a serving of gospel from the London Community Choir.

Topping it all off is Dr. Drummond's painfully honest description of poverty, homelessness, and social exclusion - all calling cards for the failed Red Wedge movement, though presented here without the tedious presence of Billy Bragg. Down town was awarded Single of the Week by the NME, slated by Record Mirror, and loved by John Peel. It served to further the duo's plans for world domination.

But it wasn't the christmas single that would sweep away the saccharine glitter and pronounced tedium of the 70s classics. Someone else had beaten them to the punch, ensuring that Down town (KLF / Hatch) would only become a minor indie chart hit, while Shane Magowan would replace the hackneyed old stuff with the pronounced tedium of something that rolls around every blimmin' year. Without Fairytale of CENSORED, Dr. Drummond and Cautie wouldn't have come up with the last word in novelty records. Don't like Doctoring the TARDIS? Blame Shane!

The final word in this tale goes to Petula Clarke, whose Downtown was re-issued for December 1988, with the addition of a particularly annoying and offensive drum-beat. It went top ten, thus proving there really is no justice.

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The Arts Council has cut funding to 200 organisations, with children's theatre almost completely wiped off the map. Though the Arts Council has received more money from central government, this does not compensate for the losses inflicted to fund the latest boondoggle in east London. Philip Hensher wonders why the Arts Council is so bloody difficult to deal with anyway.

Decent eats without meat are difficult to find, reports Martin Hickman, who promptly offers a metric two-dozen places. Most of them in London, typically.

In praise of the cryptic crossword, something Will Shorts has yet to master.

Building the BBC web site, another thing we can pin on a drunkard in Paris.

From the department of not making much sense at all: Classic FM TV is back. Almost. The frequency (11224V, sub-channel 5) is now used by OMusic, showing videos of classical, chill-out, and other non-pop music. Apparently, GWR had sub-contracted the running of their television channel to the Open Access company. When the Swindon yokels pulled the plug last week, the channel's license remained with Open Access, allowing them to re-use the transponder for something less rubbish than a blank screen. Which is a bit unfortunate, because we were going to plug Lyric FM (10744H, audio sub-carrier 4) as an almost adequate replacement. A bit more classical than CFMTV, a lot more worldly than CFM, a lot less up its own arse than Radio 3.

From the department of sad but true: Oneword looks like it's gone again. The Channel 4 Radio channel replaced its scheduled programmes with a looped best-of on the morning of 17 December, and its website promises further information soon. We never found the schedule worked that well, it's far too difficult to commit to hearing a programme at the same time every day, without fail, for a month or more.

Language Log discusses the biggest misprint in history, the New Amsterdam Times confusing 10⁵⁰⁰ (six orders of magnitude greater than the number of elementary particles in the universe) with 10,500 (the number of people in a large village).

John Quiggin dissects how to reduce greenhouse gases through tourism and aviation. We're not entirely convinced that his figures are spot on (there's some reasoned criticism in the comments), but it's a good ballpark figure. His solution? Cleaner planes will account for (say) 40% of a reduction; halving the number of holidays will, fairly obviously, cut what remains by a further 50% or so. Improved air traffic control could help matters further, by reducing the amount of time planes have to spend circling over Sussex and Essex. That still leaves about 28% of the original emissions left from tourism.

Quiggin hasn't accounted for the cultural changes required for this sort of thing, nor for the effect on business travel. As we say, it's not a foolproof method to reduce gases to a quarter, but it does show the way. Building replacement forms of transport, like a nice fast railway between London, Manchester, and Scotland, will help tremendously.

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Nick Clegg doesn't do religion. It means that he can justifiably look on as perplexed as the rest of the civilised world while two camps of religious zealots do battle over the length of a piece of string. Only last week, we heard from Marcus Brigstocke on this subject. Christopher Hitchens echoes his thoughts:

It's not enough that they can claim tax exemption and even subsidy for anything "faith-based." It's that when they are even slightly criticized for their absurd opinions, they can squeal as if being martyred and act as if they are truly being persecuted.

In an effort to resolve once and for all whether the Morons or the Southern Bastards are the true path to salvation, or whether it actually passes through neither or both organisations, we called up Rosemary, the mild-mannered switchboard operator for The GOD Organisation. She put us through to the Duty Spokesdeity.

The Snow in the Summer or So-So: Do the Morons have a monopoly on truth, as they claim?

The GOD Organisation: No.

TSITS: Do the Southern Bastards have a monopoly on truth, as they claim?

TGO: No.

TSITS: Are you telling me the truth?

TGO: That's for you to decide.

TSITS: Are the Morons correct that their god lives in Kolob?

TGO: Our records indicate that prayers have been delivered to this address for approximately 170 of your years.

TSITS: Does The GOD Organisation...

TGO: Don't ask. You know that we don't intervene in politics, we've got far more important things to do with our lives. Immortal we may be, omnipresent we may be, but we still can't be bothered wasting our almighty minds on such mind-numbing trivia. You want to know why Jupiter had his way with Leda? He'd involved himself in Spartan politics. Completely lost it, the lad did. You know what he's like, letting people think it was all planned...

TSITS: Returning to my original point. Would you describe it as a turf war between two different faiths?

TGO: That's a fair description; hostility and argumentativeness over something that really doesn't matter to anyone not directly connected with the protagonists, the details of which will be forgotten within the lifetime of the survivors. It's like Romulus and Remus fighting over what to call the city they founded in the middle of champagne country, and the loser buggering off down the Rhine. What happened to him?

TSITS: Finally, how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

TGO: One, if it's Gabriel; his ego has expanded so much that no-one else can fit in.

And, for those of you who celebrate it, happy solstice.

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Froglet has proposed a ban on people paying for sex. Shall we do the utterly obvious joke? Or just leave it hanging by a thread, like her career.

Dave Farquhar on how to update Windows without a network connection. Use a writable CD and CT Update, a little program that goes off, downloads all the updates, and burns them to disk.

On London tourism.

But it's science! won't wash, because the following folktales are myths. They do not stand up to scrutiny:

• Everyone must drink eight glasses of water a day
• We only use 10% of our brains
• Hair and fingernails continue to grow after death
• Reading in dim light ruins your eyesight
• Shaving causes hair to grow back faster or coarser
• Mobile phones are dangerous in hospitals
• Eating turkey makes you especially drowsy

Why should anyone want to visit St. Francisville? It's full of religious nutjobs and their sympathisers, such as Miss Trott, and Mr. Fitzpatrick (at least when he's not visiting his mail-order bride in Red Square). It's a particularly bizarre place to visit when there's a perfectly good excuse to cruise the coast of the Denmark Sea, and perhaps see Slartibartfast's award. It's a prefect trip. (That's enough bad jokes - Ed.)

The Economist despairs at the blinkers used by the British europhobes. British commentators are, traditionally, deeply uninterested in other countries, even ones with whom they share a single market. Much simpler to shut your mind and sneer that Europe is all about being left-wing.

We note that the back cover of the Rusty Old Radio Times has been bought by B&Q Appliance Warehouse. We know a story about B&Q Appliance Warehouse, don't we.

Mister Tony Blair personally ordered the enquiry into BAE's bribes from Saudi Arabia to be stopped.

D-Squared discusses the internicine war amongst the racist parties, and suggests that not banning such extremist organisations has helped them to destroy themselves.

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Crikey, it's a busy This Week In God. Ancien British prime minister Mister Tony Blair has come out as a Ratfan, something that surprised approximately no-one. From his office beneath King's Cross Station, the Pope issued a flea of pleasure.

In unrelated developments, a religious propaganda unit has said something stupid, and the dunderheaded media has given them the oxygen of publicity. The claim: that there are more active Ratfans than Cantabriseans. What the unit doesn't say in their press release is that this was true in 1998 - see the chart on page 4 of their 2006 survey. (CAUTION: PDF link.) The claim that the Ratfans haven't held the plurality since the Reformation is patent nonsense. It's put about by a group that clearly doesn't recall the reign of Queen Mary, when the whole country converted from Cantabriseanism to Ratfanism and back again in the space of ten years. What the press also haven't covered is the fact that the organisation responsible for this misleading propaganda is openly committed to spreading the various Jesusist memes around the country.

We also note that one of the papers wonders why there are so many atheists in The Soup Dragon's cabinet (two, out of ten whose religious persuasion is known.) The question they should be asking, in the light of this survey: why are there so few atheists in the cabinet? Religious faithful (as defined by worship attendance) might be entitled to three places in the 22-person cabinet. Even by the looser standards applied by the 2001 census, we would expect half-a-dozen non-believers at the top table.

Which brings us to Barry Morgan, a man clearly running scared of something. Unemployment, probably. The man who calls himself the archbishop of Wales claims that atheistic fundamentalism is a danger to the world. Morgan, Morgan, don't be a blithering buffoon. All of your examples - every last one of them - are myths put about to sell papers.

• No council has ever altered the name of your festival to Winterval, the fact is that it was a catch-all term for many festivals - religious and otherwise - in a three-month period in 1994-5. The only people who subscribe to this bullshit are employed by the Daily Hell and its cronies.
• No school has barred children from sending cards using the C-word; some have asked not to send cards so that the offspring of poor families are not embarrassed.
• And over 80% of schools intended to put on a nativity play, not the 20% you claimed.

Morgan droned on, This is what I would call the new "fundamentalism" of our age. It allows no room for disagreement, for doubt, for debate, for discussion. No, sir. Your position is the new fundamentalism. You believe what you want to believe, you disregard the facts that do not fit your preconceptions and prejudices, and you are peddling myths to those too stupid to think for themselves. When confronted with this wave of bullshit, it's no wonder people are treating you like a snake-oil salesman.

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23December

Nightwish's Finnish album provides the new number one single, Eramaan viimeinen. In Sweden, EMD come in at 2 with All for love, and the Zelmerlöw / Carlsson version of That Mariargh Song is eleven places ahead of the original. Madrugada's Look away Lucifer goes top 5 in Norway. Leona Lewis hits the top of Latvia's airplay chart, where Yuliya Savicheva enters the top 20 with an expression of her love for Moscow and body paint that rubs off in mid-performance. In Germany, Monrose hit number 6 with What you don't know.

Two entries under their own steam: Mika's Relax take it easy was a single in 2006, and will be re-released on 31 December. Britney Spears's newie, Piece of me makes 69. The original version of When you believe, a number 4 hit for Whiney Houston and Mariargh Cantsing; it was top 40 in midweeks. More festive tunes re-enter: Bowie and Crosby's Peas on earth (1981 top 3, 73), Aled Jones's Walking in the air (1985 top 5, 72), Cliff Richard's Millionaire and Wine (1 in 1988, 68), and Bruce's Santa claus is coming to town (1985 top 10, 60). Nat King Cole's Chipmunks roasting... is too old for the UK charts, its previous appearance was a minor hit in 1991; now, a new peak at number 51.

Katherine Nash is falling into One Hit Wonderdom faster than anything: third single proper Pumpkin soup is out on physicals, but only makes number 40. Filo and Peri enter at 39 with Anthem, a tune we'd like to hear again before making up our minds. Killers make 34 with Don't shoot me santa, their second festive release in as many years, and the second one to leave us even more cold than the weather. The utterly tedious Kylie Blankcanvas puts a second single into the top 40, Wow arrives at 32 even though it's a re-paste of Love at first bite, and hopefully will leave just as quickly. Second-highest new entry honours to Malcolm Middleton, the dirge-like We're all going to die was the recipient of one of the more visible Buy this to spite Simon Cowell campaigns, and falls a mere 30 places short.

Three Rihanna tracks between 30 and 38, including a back-to-back at 37 and 38. Most of the festive classics move up a little, but only a place or two; Slade the only ones to re-enter the top 20, even Andy Williams falls short. Wood and Wham! drop places. Sugababes have the fastest climber, Change is up 13 at 13, and should take the top 10 in the next fortnight.

The big news is not Valerie's return to the top 10, nor Leon Jackson shifting a quarter of a million copies of When you believe to seal number one. No, it comes as Mariargh Cantsing drops from 4 to 6, Soulja Boy sinks 3 to 5 (a temporary reversal, we fear). Leona drops to 3, and Ketevan / Cassidy to 2. In the middle, a bad week for Fairytale of New Amsterdam: a brief ban by Radio 1, completely unknown to Nick Clegg, but it's topped by progressing 8-4. It's peaked at 2 in 1987-8, 36 in 1991-2, 3 in 2005, 6 in 2006, and 4 this year, making an eighth chart year (assuming it doesn't vanish entirely next week). It's not the most: Merry xmas everybody has appeared in 73-4, 80-86, 98-9, 06-7 - a total of 13 years, possibly clicking up another in seven days.

On the album lists, Leona, Westlife, and Bublé hold the top 3 places; Bocelli moves past the Eagles, and both overtake Led Zep. Two different editions of Amy Whingebag end at 9 and 10. Good climb for Amy MacDonald, 39-25, and into the top 50 albums of the year (must have a huge extended family!); and for Katherine Nash, 52-44. There's been a polite spat between the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards and the Fron Male Voice Choir for the top of the Classic FM chart - it disregards Bocelli and Katherine Jenkins for being insufficiently classical. The Scots won this one, too, 22-34.

 2  1 Ketevan Melua / Eva Cassidy - What a wonderful world
 3  2 Leona Lewis - Burning love
 4  8 Pogues / Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New Amsterdam
12 10 Cascada - What hurts the most
13 26 Sugababes - Change
19 15 Sugababes - About you now
21 21 Andy Williams
  - It's the most wonderful time of the year
28 33 Scouting For Girls - Elvis ain't dead
29 29 Hoosiers - Goodbye Mr. A
35 28 Amy MacDonald - This is the life
36 30 Bloc Party - Flux
45 31 Freemasons - Uninvited
48 72 Jona Lewie - Stop the cavalry
52 re Feist - 1234
56 74 Hoosiers - Worried about Ray
57 41 Mika - Happy ending
66 52 Scouting for Girls - She's so lovely
75 re Mika - Relax take it easy

.. 39 Foals - Balloons
.. 47 Led Zeppelin - Stairway to heaven
.. 51 Crowded House - Pour le monde

(This post has been edited to include decent singles ranked 61-75.)

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23December

This week, we've been watching and hearing...

• More or Less (OU / Radio 4) Loyd Grossman and Bonnie Greer join Tim for a game of Monopoly and to discuss the economic value of gifts. This show
• I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (Radio 4) Gifts for all.
• Blue Peter (BBC-1) Not so much the traditional last show before christmas as the new Crackerjack. OTT was less pleased.
• Dave Cameron's Incredible Journey (BBC-2) Cockerill does the new Conservative leader, in a warts-and-all documentary that's taken two years to compile. One of the contributors compares him to the lovable Redcoat from the holiday camp, and that hits the nail on the head. Nice chap, knows where he's going, cajoles people to go with him, without really convincing us we want to follow him.
• The Late Edition (The Fourth Programme) Bringing back Barry from Watford is never a good idea.
• The Now Show! (Home Service) Neeh-neeh-neeh-neeh-neeeh, neeh-neeh.
• Laurie's Loose Change (Home Service) The history of the automatic teller machine, including the derivation of the length of the PIN: the inventor's wife couldn't remember a six-digit code, so kept it to four numbers.

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23December

On Tuesday, the ANC voted for the unconvicted rapist Jacob Zuma as their new leader. On Thursday, the prosecutor announced that he would be charged with corruption. Mr. Zuma was removed from the office of deputy president in 2005 by the AIDS denier Mr. Mbeki.

A man was acquitted of the 1998 Omagh bombing, on the grounds that the evidence put forward by the police was completely preposterous. It's not the first time that IRA bombers have been confronted with evidence that's even less reliable than a British Rail timetable, but the first time that a court has decided to circumvent the usual fifteen years in prison and acquit the defendant at the first opportunity.

The first election in Thailand after 2006's coup was won by the People's Power Party, formed by loyalists to deposed leader Thaksin Shinawrat. The party is expected to fall just short of an overall majority on its own, but will need only one loyal coalition partner.

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23December

A slow-moving block of high pressure off Scandinavia dominated the weather this week, and left the midlands under a blanket of cloud and fog for most of the time. A front passed early on Saturday evening, bringing a trace of rain, milder air; the clear skies meant that Sunday was frosty but bright.

17 Mo cloud             -6/ 3
18 Tu cloud              2/ 3
19 We cloud              3/ 5
20 Th fog               -5/ 1
21 Fr cloud              0/ 0
22 Sa cloud              0/ 7, 1.0
23 Su sun               -5/ 5

Rainfall in December: 50mm; monthly average: 67mm

Degree heating days: 281
2006-7: 105½/499
2005-6: 192½/684
2004-5: 203/556
2003-4: 256/754

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