(More: Gordon Brown's in a stew, Fatboy Slim, Black Grape, Puff Daddy, Diana King, LL Cool J, N-Trance, 911, at least four Muppets in the top ten, but what the blue blazes do we play?)

No move at 4 for Sash!, no move at 3 for Elton John; during this week, it was confirmed that Something about the way you look tonight was the biggest selling single in the world, selling 32 million copies in 5 weeks. The surprise: the Spice Girls are toppled after just one week; Spice up your life falls down the chart. The new number one is Barbie girl from Aquaaaaargh. It's vapid, it's vacuous, it objectifies women, it rams sexual content down the throats of seven-year-old children. Musically, this song is simple to the point of banality; a six-bar refrain, meaningless lyrics, with only the occasional bass shout and a distinctive bridge to liven up proceedings. But it sold 200,000 first week out, it sold 200,000 second week out, and that was enough to make it the best-seller in stores. Well done, everyone!

Still without something to play, we consult the Dr. Fox and his Network Chart. Lutricia McNeil is new with Ain't that just the way, four weeks before release; Shola Ama and Third Eye Blind are still hanging around, Ultra Nate's spending her third week at 26, Meredith Brooks is just outside the top 20 - all of these are well out of the top 40 on sales. The eventual prescription is a tune we'll have more to say about next week, and that might be rather familiar even to those who never listen to commercial radio. Crumbs, that's torn it.

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And first, the weather. CENTRE OF DISORGANISED NOEL ABOUT TO EMERGE OFF THE NORTH COAST OF HAITI. Head for the hills, folks, or you'll be up to your kneecaps in gamblers!

Sceptic Isle enquires into the real meaning behind Katherine Nash's Mouthwash. Is it, as Miss Nash claims, a reaction to a play about the Abu Grahib scandal. Or is it the solipsistic noodling of a bored little rich girl who is filling time between Pony Club and the Girl Guides? Honestly, you don't get this sort of pseudery from Amy MacDonald, which explains why her singles are peaking at number 46.

Rupert Cornwell on the people who confuse patriotism with symbols. Seems that the problem with these Failed Colonials is that they have so little faith in their ability to manage their own affairs. That lack of confidence expresses itself in a devotion to the little unimportant details, ones that mature democracies threw off many centuries ago. It's no wonder that these people, as a whole, are so incompetent that they couldn't even succeed as a colony.

A survey suggested that purchasers spend an average of 29 minutes reading the Daily Star. In other news, next week's edition will come with a free packet of purple pills.

Overgrown Path finds that Radio 3 had a bad RAJAR.

The lies! The untruths! The stuff they made up at MI5 at lunchtime! Yesterday!

From the local t'rag: Whitby to justify £193 library scheme. The leader of Birmingham City Council will have to justify his plans to spend almost £200 on a library and theatre development at Centenary Square. Bull Ring is a sewer, though only when it rains. Allegedly. Fans of Mötörhead and Alice Cooper have been banned from wearing studded belts, large rings, trouser chains, and dog collars to their concerts next month. The new Digbeth coach station will open in 2009; the current station will close on 12 November.

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In constructing a Proposed Rugby World Cup qualification process, we've made the following assumptions:

• That the next full event will contain 20 sides. This is subject to debate and ratification by the IRB. We believe that there is a strong case to retain the fifth side in each pool, both to give the lower sides experience of competing on the top table, and because there's not a huge gap between the fifth and fourth ranked sides.
• That the first three in each pool this year will automatically qualify. This is almost certain to happen.
• That there will be an intercontinental play-off to determine the remaining places. This is also expected to happen. We propose that it should feature 16 sides competing for 8 places.
• That the eight sides competing in this year's world cup will take automatic places in the play-off. This is an assumption of ours, though would not alter the proposed line-up tremendously - the 16 best sides are the 16 best sides, however they qualify.
• That the rugby world is, de facto, divided into five areas: Americas, Europe, Africa, Asia, Oceania; North and South America qualify as one continent, the Pacific Ocean is a continent in its own right. This is likely to remain the case.

(More: Who goes through, who goes home, and a little kink at the end)

It would be good for this tournament to be staged in one (or more) of the competing nations. Japan offered to stage the 2011 World Cup, and hosting this smaller tournament would be a good demonstration of their ability to stage the big one. The other strong choices are Romania, and a co-hosted Canada-FARCE tournament. This last option, perhaps based around the St. Lawrence basin, would bring rugby to an untapped market.

Other rugby matters: Argentina needs to be included in either the Six Nations or the Tri-Nations. Given the fact that most of Argentina's players are active in Europe, it makes some sense to add them to the Six Nations, perhaps also bringing in Romania for an Eight Nations championship from 2009.

The International Rugby Board now has its war-chest, to keep it afloat if the next World Cup had to be cancelled. It's high time that it paid good money to support the development sides.

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(More: Crunching this month's numbers, plus a review of Six Apart's activities. Including a discussion on advertising for charities, and how to turn a Snap link into something particularly unsavoury.) Readers are cautioned that this really is a very long post, even by our standards of prolixity.

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Attention please! An online gallery of patronising and needless "safety" signs. We do find it rather amusing that the Manifesto Club (a spin-off from Spiked Online, itself a vestigial remnant of the Revolutionary Communist Party of Britain) should find itself supported by that well-known far-left organ The Sunday Torygraph.

Who is Viscount Linley anyway?

The Obs (which we've bought for a future review) is wrong to describe a neck-and-neck race over a long distance as like the Boat Race. In the Oxford versus Cambridge event, one side gets into the lead and stays there, usually by adopting the other's position. In the Tory versus Labour event... er, yes.

Who had 25 weeks in the sweepstake? That's how long it's taken before M. Popup flounces out of an interview. He was talking to the Columbia Broadcasting System when he was asked about his separation from his être-bientôt ancienne-épouse, Nadia. M. Popup got up, removed his microphone, and wished his confused interviewer bon courage.

Rob Newman has been off our screens for 14 years, claims A Demi Grauniad. Which is odd, because we saw him in a show about the west's dependence on oil just last year. And was that a rubbish comeback or what?

Richard Quest on his suits, cufflinks, and shoes.

In Germany, the SPD proposes a speed limit on the autobahnen. The social-democrats join the Greens and Socialists in this proposal; it would have a bare majority in the Bundestag were the measure to be debated.

Tintin in America in America: advice for librarians from Crooked Timber.

Het Grauniad looks into the cultural gap between England and Scotland. For instance, the day after this article was written, the SNP has recently proposed that councils should build more council houses, but that they won't be eligible for sale under the Right to Buy scheme. Challenging one of the flagship reforms of the Thatcher settlement would be headline news at Westminster, but doesn't rate a mention at Holyrood. We would really like Radio 5 to do an awful lot more about this kind of thing. Get out of Westminster and bring us FMQ and AMQ and EPQ and QpuC.

How the Daily Hell goes out and pays people to break the law.

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So, twenty-five years of Channel 4, eh? Didn't they do well! Here are four (count 'em!) pieces of nostalgia from the channel's formative years.

First, the channel's theme music, Fourscore, composed by David Dundas. Four little notes set the composer up for life - he was on a royalty, and by the time Channel 4 stopped using the theme in 1996, he'd been paid £20 on over a hundred thousand occasions. This is the full-length version, 3 minutes 20 of it, first heard after Paul Coia's opening announcement, and over a montage of the channel's coming attractions.

The first of them: Countdown. The first of 4473 programmes, the first of 50,242 startings of the clock, and the first of a million bad puns. What can you do with this 30-second piece of music? Re-orchestrate it, as they have done every few years since, most notably with the addition of the ping at the end, and another one in 1996, but that was a disaster that we don't like to talk about.

We'll move on to Channel 4 News. The theme here has not changed at all, it's a piece of library music by Alan Hawkshaw. Best endeavours has cropped up in adverts and documentaries, but will always be remembered here for Jon Snow's remarkable ties.

Fast forward to 1987 for our third selection, The journey by James Aldenham. When schools programmes transferred from ITV to Channel 4 that year, there needed to be a piece of music that would cover the longest possible gap between programmes. Though junctions were usually about two minutes, allowing teachers to start the videos or settle their class down, there were three slots per week so that different programmes could air in Scotland. To get everyone back for the next show, there needed to be a six-minute piece before the one-minute countdown (appropriately, Just a minute, another Aldenham composition.) Viewers of a certain age will remember the rotating ITV logo.

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Chums Reuntied is to drop its subscription model; it's the latest defeat for the very 2001 way of doing things. And speaking of Very Old Things:

The Snow in the Summer or So-So, 2 May 2006: Another day, another fine BBC idea. This time, it's the combination of the Audioscrobbler software and the Beeb's Livetext database, to produce a database of recent tracks. It's there for 6 Music, and has recently been extended to Radio 1, Radio 2, and 1xtra.
A Demi Grauniad, 31 October 2007: Social music site Last.fm has begun working with the BBC, tracking the music played by DJs across Radio 1, Radio 2, 6Music and 1Xtra.

April 2007: Radio 4 runs a spoof sport show, where football commentators are watching Bond films.
November 2007: BBC World Service is unable to give us replay details of a goal as Vassos Alexander's monitors are showing Thunderball. More interesting than Fulham - Reading.

Insert racist slurs beginning with T, W, O, P

There is precisely one place where wop can be used without fear of offence. It is in a reading of Douglas Adams's Life, the Universe, and Anything; in that book, the Krikkitmen's ship appears with the noise of a hundred thousand people (or a distinguished radio cast, repeatedly overdubbed) saying the word wop. And disappears with the noise of a hundred thousand people (etc) saying foop. Mighty Big Television, that is not a place where wop might be used by one person without fear of offence to a hundred thousand (or a distinguished Commentariat, repeating itself until it gets heard.) Here's evidence, and a communication to NBSuck. And some Poor Unfortunate has managed to get hold of former so-called contributor Sarah Bunting, who clearly doesn't give a monkey's any more. What would Principal Foster say? And what do their employers at N****z B*****s and C***s say?

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4November

End of an era in Denmark: after including only retail sales to the point that Trine Dyrholm could manage to spend two and a half years in the top 5, the Danes have finally seen some sort of sense. Downloads are included in the singles chart from this week, and Avenuen drops from number 1 right out of the new top 40. That's how distorted the chart had become. Her record of 62 (sixty-two!) weeks as the official national best-seller is unlikely ever to be broken; she remains the best-seller in stores, showing just how few sales there are. Of the major sales charts in Europe, only France, Greece, Italy, and Spain do not include downloads. More.

New number one in France, but don't cheer, it's Rihanna. New at number 3 in Germany is Alex C, performing Du hast den schoensten ars, and we really don't care to translate that. No Angels will be unhappy, as their new single enters at number 25 with an anvil. Good news from Ireland, where Leona Lewis holds Pestside off to number 2, but what's that in at number 7? Why, it's Ireland's best-selling single of all time, number one for most of the autumn of 1990. The Saw Doctors' hit, I useta lover. It's become the charity single for this year's RTÉ telethon, People In Need. (No, this isn't a Father Ted-inspired spoof, RTÉs charity telethon really is called that.)

20 15 Avril Lavigne - When you're gone
19  9 Feist - 1, 2, 3, 4
18 11 Enrique Iglesias - Tired of being sorry
17 18 Britney Spears - Gimme more
16 10 Stacey Ferguson - Big girls don't cry
15 NE Die Artze - Junge
14 NE Rihanna - Don't stop the music
13  5 Scouting For Girls - She's so lovely
12 13 K T Tunstall - Hold on
11  6 23 New Pence - Ayo technology
10 NE Leona Lewis - Bleeding love
 9  8 Sean Kingston - Beautiful girls
 8 NE McFly - The heart never lies
 7 12 Timberyokel - Apologise
 6  4 Timberyokel - The way oi are
 5 17 Freemasons - Uninvited
 4  7 Mika - Happy ending
 3  3 Plain White Ts - Hey there Delilah
 2  1 James Blunt - 1973
 1  2 Sugababes - About you now

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4November

Ray Parker Jr makes 70 with Ghostbusters. Céline Dion is Taking chances at 58 on downloads alone, and Jacko's Thriller re-enters at 57. Time of the year. Michael Bublé's version of Home bounces up to 52. Just missing the Radio 1 end of the chart are One Night Only (You and me, 46) and Young Knives (Terra firma, 43).

We're down to two Rihanna records in the 40, as Shut up and play a record drops to 41. Nine non-movers in the top 40, the most since 28 December 2002, led by the CES. Record is the 15 on Boxing Day 1993, when Mr Blobby led the pack. Only three times between June 1988 and November 2005 was there a non-mover at number 40: there have now been three this year. The Cribs enter at 39 with a song we can't get excited about. Which brings us to Cliff Richard. new at 38 with his version of Leo Sayer's When I need you. It's his smallest hit since Be with me always stalled at 52 in early 1997. We're beginning to get a bit tired of the Hoosiers (non-mover at 34), especially as both songs sound the same. Speaking of which, Oasis slump 10-31. Scrappy's into the Radio 1 chart at 30, but that's going to be the peak, the song is already out on CD. Elliot Minor come in at 27 with The white one is evil, and Alicia Keys comes in at 26. Who's buying No one?

David Craig enters at 19 with Hot stuff (let's dance), a record that wears its samples on its sleeve. Literally. Robyn moves 43-17 with Handle me, somewhat more soulful than her previous release. Her hopes haven't been helped by the radio edit, butchering the chorus. Koopa come in at 16 with The crash. They're an indie band whose gimmick is that they're unsigned; on the basis of this, we can see why. First top 20 hit, thirs release this year. This week's Elvis re-release is Viva las vegas, number 15, and two places better than the original made in 1965. Samim's Heater rises from 29 to 12, we're not sure whether this has more merit than your average dance tune.

Last time, McFly went 1-20; this time, 3-10. Amy Whingebag holds at 5, Timberyokel's newie climbs from 10 to 4. Pestside's version of Home is in at 3. No move at 2 for Take That, leaving Leona Lewis a clear number 1. In the battle of middle-aged bloke bands, the That have the win.

On the albums, the Eagles take the Long Road Out Of Eden to number 1, their first chart-topper since 1799. Birtney's Pears makes 2 with Blackout, and the Hoosiers dip to 3. Robert Plant and Alison Krauss's Raising Sand enters at 4, ahead of the second greatest hits collection of Whitney Houston (we're sticking with the 2000 edition, ta v. much) and Daniel O'Donnell and Mary Duff Together Again at 6. Queen Rock Montréal at 20, the Backstreet Boys are Unbreakable at 21, the best of the Libertines makes 23, and Avenged Sevenfold come in at 24.

The non-canon additions: Kings of Leon and David Gray put singles into the top 100; Siouxsie, Simply Red, Angels and Airwaves, and Seal just miss. Gym Class Heroes can only make 124, and the new single by the Eagles stalls at 177. Groove Armada, Nine Black Alps, Freemasons, and Peter Cincotti score album hits.

 1  1 Leona Lewis - Burning love
 6  4 Sugababes - About you now
 8  8 Freemasons - Uninvited
 9  9 Hoosiers - Goodbye Mr. A
10  3 McFly - The heart never lies
13 12 Mika - Happy ending
18 43 Robyn - Handle me
23 18 Scouting for Girls - She's so lovely
30 49 Åvril Lavignnesøn - Hot
32 22 Wombats - Let's dance to Joy Division
34 34 Hoosiers - Worried about Ray
43 NE Young Knives - Terra firma
46 NE One Night Only - You and me
47 47 Newton Faulkner - Dream catch me
49 41 30 Seconds to Mars - The kill (rebirth)
51 45 Robyn - With every heartbeat
59 36 Feist - 1234
70 re Ray Parker Jr - Ghostbusters
72 51 Killers - Tranquilise
73 52 Aly and AJ - Potential breakup song

.. 44 Courteeners - Acrylic
.. 62 Jack Penate - Second minute or hour
.. 65 Mutya Buena - Just a little bit
.. 67 Mika - Big girl (you are beautiful)

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4November

This week, we've been watching and hearing...

• More or Less (OU / Radio 4) Tim Harford takes over the presenter's seat, and discusses why drinking 60% more than the official danger level is no more dangerous than driving. Probabilistic weather forecasting, and the geeks who make zillions from using the past to predict the future. Showpage
• The History of the World Backwards (The Fourth Programme) Remember The Mary Whitehouse Experience? The show was to comedy as The Beatles was to popular music. There was Punt and Dennis, the guys who were entertaining and got lots of fans (cf George and Ringo) but were overshadowed by the other two. Baddiel was utterly ubiquitous, carried Skinner for years, made some bloody awful records, and generally lived the life of Paul McCartney. Which makes Newman the John Lennin of the group: praised by many, but leaving us stone cold because we see no evidence of his talent. Comedy. It's the new rock 'n' roll.
• Treasure Hunt (Chatsworth for C4) WTF? Seriously, WTF? OTT has more
• Feedback (City Broadcasting for Radio 4) Abortion on Thought for the Day, Michael Lyons on why the BBC Trust doesn't consult, what's on all those digital radio stations, and Peter Snow on why he's using the contestants given names on BoB.
• The Late Edition (The Fourth Programme) Marcus depresses us with an interview with Simon Jenkins and depression from the UN Global Report. Then brings on Ross Noble, clearly the worse for something.

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4November

King Abdullah of Saudia Arabia paid a state visit to the United Kingdom. The petrotheocrat studiously ignored calls for the British government to re-open a fraud inquiry stopped to appease Mr. Abdullah. He did criticise the UK, claiming that his government had provided intelligence about the July 2005 bombs in central London; rather rich, coming from a country that gave the world Mr. bin Laden.

Twenty-one people were convicted of involvement in bomb attacks in Madrid during March 2004. The ringleaders will be in jail for the next 30,000 years, but will be eligible for parole in 2047.

London's police force was convicted over the negligent killing of Jean Charles de Menezes in July 2005. Sr. de Menezes was killed on an underground train after police mistook him for a failed bomber. The conviction relates to the police's failure to protect health and/or safety; the force was fined £175,000 (€250,000) and ordered to pay costs.

The government backtracked on plans to rob the reserves of schools. The government was defeated in its attempt to deport Learco Chindamo to Italy. The convicted murderer should stay in the UK, as the government had offered no reason other than prejudice to remove him.

The Kafkaesque heart of the Elephino's Control Orders has been confirmed as illegal: lawyers acting on behalf of those subjected to house arrest must be able to know the evidence against their clients. The government clearly believes that its evidence will not stand up in court, just as happened in the non-existent ricin plot (there was no ricin, there was no plot) of 2004. Hiding behing intercept evidence has now been confirmed as a smokescreen.

Talks on the funding of political parties broke down, after Labour refused to limit itself to £50,000 per union member per year.

100 children were stopped en route from Chad to France. The charity transporting them claimed that the youngsters were war orphans, but most claimed at least one parent.

Rudolph Guiliani was criticised for lying in his campaign commercials. Sr. Guiliani, who is campaigning for convention votes in New Southamptonshire, incorrectly claimed that only 44% of patients with prostrate cancer survive in England. The official figure is 71%. The man in charge of the NHS has asked Sr. Guiliani to apologise.

General Musharraf imposed a state of emergency in Pakistan. There was speculation that he would be blocked from assuming the country's president by the Supreme Court. The judges of the court rejected the General's claim of supremacy. General Musharraf seized power in a military coup in 1999, making this the imposition of martial law eight years later.

We regret to report the death of psychiatrist and broadcaster Dr. Anthony Clare, and of rugbyman Ray Gravell.

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4November

A settled week, with some warm weather in the middle. Here in the midlands, sun predominated for much of the week, though as high pressure brought stiller air towards the week-end, cloud became more difficult to move, leading to some murky mornings. Sunday was markedly colder than the rest of the week.

29 Mo sun                8/12
30 Tu sunny spells       6/13, 1.0
31 We sun to cloud      10/16
01 Th sunny spells       9/16
02 Fr sun                8/17
03 Sa cloud              7/14
04 Su cloud to haze      1/11

Rainfall in October: 39mm; monthly average: 69mm

Rainfall in November: 0mm; monthly average: 84mm

Degree heating days: 31
2006-7: 12½/499
2005-6: ½/684
2004-5: 16½/556
2003-4: 63½/754

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