21May

Former home office junior minister Ann Widdecombe revealed that she had sent flowers to the wife of Derek Lewis, fired in November 1995 over his handling of an escape from Parkhurst prison. Miss Widdecombe says that she was ticked off by her then-boss, Michael Howaerd. While waiting for a heavily delayed piece about David Blunkett's education policy, Newsnight host Jeremy Paxman asked Mr. Howaerd between twelve and fourteen times if he had threatened to over-rule Mr. Lewis. Five days later, Mr. Howaerd provided a two-letter answer; Miss Widdecombe will make a personal statement to the Commons next week. BBC retrospective

(More: Liz's speech, Duran Duran, and the return of Elvis - 1562 words)

Second week at number one for Olive's You're not alone, and it's worth while working out why this was one of the slowest-growing number one songs we've ever encountered. On first listen, we didn't get it. On second listen, didn't get it. By the time the end-of-year recaps came about, we were wondering, when are they playing Olive? It's the instrumental backing, surely, the mixture of bleeps, staccatto drum rolls, and gently descending keyboard lines. Much as we have grown to love Olive's song, it's not our favourite number one of the year...

| Permanent link

22May

After missing last week, it's a big old Wednesday Miscellany this week, and it's coming out on Tuesday. Tomorrow, we have what is possibly the worst pun ever seen on the face of the earth.

One from the file labelled Yougov questions we really don't understand

Which personal qualities do you think they prefer to see in a modern FEMALE novelist? [Please tick up to three options]
Emotional, warm, sympathetic
Knowledgeable about science, history and current affairs
Attractive, glamorous, good-looking
Good sense of humour
Romantic, sexy
Intelligent, clever, bright, smart
Tough, athletic, fit
Sophisticated, wealthy, jet-setting
Understands nature and the countryside
Well-travelled, experienced, worldly

The same list for male authors there. One thing completely missing: the ability to write for toffee.

That Blair legacy in full.

A minister who was prepared to sign anything her husband put in front of her. Transdiffusion sums up ten years of running down British broadcasting.

An example? The only national children's radio station to close.

(More: McDougal's Around the World, the rise and fall (but mostly fall) of the BNP, and Christmas songs in May - 727 words)

| Permanent link

23May

Bertie Ahern has taken the Walk of Votes in the only show hosted by Naoel AEdmhondis on Irish television at the moment:

Just seven boxes are left; The Elector will speak again after the next box.

Ah, knew you'd be back.

Box 26 A double bed. "All the better for you to lie in, Bertie." That's fighting talk from former minister Richard Bruton (FG). "Well, FF's finance man Brian Cowen said this morning that only 75,000 people win on our policies. That's nonsense. Brian didn't consider stamp duty. Brian didn't consider childcare. Brian didn't consider tax relief for single income families."

Hello, Elector. You have another poll for us? You do treat us well, you know that. What? Stop buttering you up and get on with it, the sooner it's over the sooner you can stop wondering if your television set has a fault with the vertical hold? Charming. Anyway. Yes. Yes. Oh!

Bertie, the Elector is liking you a lot. Think about this offer carefully; if you turn it down, you're committed to going to the last two. The offer is: A copy of Enda Kenny's Contract With the People, which you were probably expecting. An appreciation of fine rhetoric when The Elector hears it, which I don't think you were expecting. 41% of the poll, that'll probably translate into a near-majority. A bottle of milk, and a housebrick.

It's tempting, it's very tempting. But No Dáil!

"Good on you, Bertie! We're here until the last box is opened!" Supportive words there, Enda.

Box 21 A grounded aeroplane. Amoron Airlines has withdrawn from Shannon, to focus on its core Dublin to Chicagou route. Independent James Breen said that the government had not carried out a study into the effect of the recent Open Skies agreement, and fears that Shannon will soon have no transatlantic service.

Box 22 Neeeh, what's up, Gerry? Both Fine Gail and Fianna Fáil have ruled out a possible coalition with Sinn Féin. Gerry Adams's dream of being in power on both sides of the frontier will have to wait. Rumours persist that Pat Rabbitte and his Labour party will talk with FF if that's what it takes to keep the IRA men out.

Box 23 A media blackout. There is to be no discussion of the election on the final day before polling. Instead, news from... well, read it and see.

Here, There and Everywhere. Sinn Féin's new minister for regional development has dropped himself in the silly bucket. Conor Murphy has written a document saying that the Republic of Ireland should be referred to as all Ireland, that Northern Ireland should be termed here, and that the big city on the Foyle should be called Derry, not Londonderry.

Gregory Campbell of the DUP set up a theatre of the absurd. What would he say when we beat England at Windsor Park? Here 1, England 0?

But it was Sammy Wilson who kicked the ball home. I can imagine someone ringing up the Minister and saying, 'Is the Minister there?' And his official saying, 'No, he's here'. 'Can I speak to him?' 'No, he's not here.' 'But you told me a minute ago he was there.' 'No, I said he was here, but he's not here.

Elector, come and save us from this madness! Hello! You're still there? And not here? Oh, I'm sorry I ever told the story. What, you want to speak to the Independent Auditor? Very well...

The Independent Auditor writes: Hello, Elector. OK, you'd like me to whip out my pen-knife, and then what? Make deep incisions into the host's neck? You're looking as green as the box there, Naoel. No? Oh. Ah, you'd like me to cut six inches roughly in the top-middle of the green box on Bertie's desk, parallel to the long side. Then an inch at the end, then another six-inch cut parallel. So that there's a small hole in the top? Like that? Yes. And now hand the phone back to Naoel? Sure you don't want me to stab him for you? OK, you're in charge.

Er, right. I must say, Elector, I'm stumped here. You've just cut a hole in the top of the box, all it would take is a little pressure and we can see what's inside. But first, we need an offer from you.

No offer, would you like a cup of tea?

Er, no thanks.

Ah, go on.

No thank you.

Ah, go on.

No thank you.

Ah, go on.

No!

Well, they'll carry on well into the night. We'll go off and cast our ballots, but don't think that's the end of the show, Mrs. Doyle or No Mrs. Doyle fans. You can see what's inside the box that Bertie has been jealously guarding. Results will begin to come in late on Friday morning, and by Friday evening, we'll have a very good idea of whether he should have taken one of The Elector's prior offers. Those of you in the UK can see two-and-a-half hours of green box magic on BBC Parliament from 7pm on Friday.

| Permanent link

24May

It comes to us all, no doubt. Not old age, not the inevitability of taxes, but the realisation that Simon Mayo's Records of the Week were all* damned good. Well, the vast majority of them were; we're still not convinced that every Hothouse Flowers track deserved the honour.

Speaking to us this week is one from around this time in 1992, Martyn Joseph's one and only very minor hit, Dolphins make me cry. The Welsh singer-songwriter was briefly signed to Fony records, and released the album An Aching and a Longing. The lead single was a typically maudlin affair, yet imbued with a certain positivity that chimed with the uncertainty of the time. Like Simon Mayo, Mr. Joseph is a regular at the Greenbelt festival, and Audioscrobbler reckons he matches closely with Lucy Kaplansky.

Regrettably, we don't have an MP3 copy of Martyn Joseph's original. We have the vinyl, but that's not really too easy to play. However, all the best songs receive a note-for-note cover by an Italian-German, so here's Nevio's version of Dolphins make me cry.

| Permanent link

24May

Jonathan Freedland on the best way for Labour to revive itself - have a competitive leadership contest.

Timothy Garton Ash encourages Labour leader-nominee Gordon Brown to stand up to Murdoch and Dacre. The proposed Lisbon Treaty is a stopgap, a tidying-up exercise following the rejection of the Constitution in 2005. It is vital that Europe pulls its weight, and acts as a balance to prevent the North Americans from throwing their weight around in such an unseemly manner. It is vital that the new British prime minister, whoever that might be, acts in the best interests of Britain and of Europe. The best interests of press barons are, in general, not the best interests of the country.

Death to immigrants! is the cry of Margaret Hodge, the xenophobic member for Barking. She calls for new arrivals to the UK to remain in damp, overcrowded, squalid, unhealthy conditions, purely so that those who had the fortune to be born in the UK can take over all the clean houses. The problem, of course, is that there aren't enough houses to go round, and that has arisen because Brown and Blair put the interests of the front page of the Daily Hell House prices fall one penny! World to end tomorrow! ahead of humanitarian needs.

Iain Dale canvasses after the most incompetent person from the Blair governments. We have little time for his nominee, R. Kelly, who was decent in the first five years, but then vanished up his own arse. Nor do we like Tessa Jowell, unless we're asking her to sign a large personal cheque. Geoff Hoon was poor, Margaret Beckett presided over the destruction of the countryside, nothing quite so made David Plunkett as the manner of his resignations (plural). Tony Blair should have gone in 2003, after it emerged that he had failed in his duty as minister for the civil service. Our money's on Gordon Brown, who has mortgaged the country's future and squandered it on creating more jobs for the boys. We'll be paying off his wastrel legacy for the rest of our lives.

(More: From the Ministry of Getting in a Funk - 673 words)

| Permanent link

25May

Ah, go on.

No.

Ah, go on.

For the thousandth time, no.

Ah, go on.

Er, Mrs. Doyle?

Yes?

Your tea's gone cold.

That's got rid of her. Bertie, you're looking remarkably chipper for someone who has just spent two days buried in a bad pun.

Yes, I've been looking at the early results over her shoulder, and they are very positive.

Yes. Isla, what are the scores on the doors?

At 6.30
FF 19
FG  2
Lab 1
SF  1
PD  0
Grn 0
Oth 0

Reckoning is that Fianna Fáil will receive around 76 seats, about 7 short of an overall majority. FG is up about 5% on first preferences, and that should translate into around 50 seats. The PDs are facing near-wipeout having halved their vote, Labour will improve, no major change for Sinn Féin and the Greens, and the Others will roughly halve their votes. Final results, which will determine the strength of the minor parties, and determine whether Bertie could ally with the PD, or whether Enda's FG will ally with Labour and the Greens, won't be out until to-morrow afternoon.

You can follow the count live through RTÉ Aertel teletext, live coverage - television and radio in English and Irish Gaelic, and raw feeds that the directors are just patching together. Or, if you'd rather watch your steam television, it's on BBC Parliament from 7pm. Don't turn over now, I'm on the other side, and I need as many viewers as I can get!

| Permanent link

26May

Bertie Ahern, leader of Fianna Fáil, a comment? I knew I'd be back!

Welcome back to the Vale of Votes, where the counting is coming to an end. Barring some most unexpected transfers, the final result will be:

Fianna Fáil   78 (-3)
Fine Gael     51 (+20)
Labour        21 (nc)
Greens         6 (nc)
Sinn Féin      3 (-2)
Prog. Dem.     2 (-6)
Others         5 (-8)

It's possible that SF may win one seat from Labour.

The share of first preferences shows that FG has recovered its losses from 2002, mostly at the expense of Others. FG is up 4.8% to 27.3%, the Others drop 4.3% to 6.6%. The PDs have been punished for appearing to jeopardise the coalition, losing 1.2% of first preferences, leaving them at 2.7%. Greens were up 0.8% to 4.7%, and though SF has far more first preferences (6.9%, up 0.4%), the Greens get transfers from just about everyone, while SF votes tend to run out of preferences quickly. Labour lost 0.6% to 10.1%, and FF was up 0.1%, securing 41.6% of the vote.

We're rather struck by similarities with the recent Scottish elections; as a clear alternative to the government emerged (SNP and FG), so the votes that had split to all sorts of fringe parties coalesced around the single opposition.

Horse-trading is beginning already: the existing FF+PD coalition is still one seat short of an overall majority. FG+Lab+G will not outscore FF. Sinn Féin's three seats look to be permanent opposition, the party could have been kingmakers. The options appears to be the moderately credible FF+G, or FF+Lab, a slightly barking idea given that Labour campaigned closely with FG.

The reactions: Bertie Ahern, I want to lead a stable government for five years. Enda Kenny (FG) intends to go on. Pat Rabbitte (Lab) concedes defeat; the balance of power won't be Bunney's. Gerry Adams (SF) says his party was squeezed. Party leader and Justice minister Michael McDowell (PD) was defeated in his count, and has retired from politics.

But Naoel, don't you have to open the other box, and prove that everything's in order?

Indeed we do, Bertie. The last box contains ... oh, you! No, put that picnic table down! AAAAAIIIIEEEE!

Er, well, that looks like the end for Naoel Ahedmondis. Join us again in spring 2012 for the next exciting, gripping, unique installment of Dáil or No Dáil. You'll be back!

| Permanent link

27May

Pop Idle Deutschland winner Mark Medlock is straight in at number 1 in Germany, performing Now or never; Eurovision entry Roger Cicero bounces back up to 17. Pop Idle France winner Christope Mae heads the lists in France, with On s'attache; Tokio Hotel crash into the top ten with Ubers ende der welt - ready set go, a German/English version of their homeland chart-topper from earlier this year. A new chart-topper in the Netherlands, Blijf bij mij performed by Andre Hazes and Gerard Joling rises to the top. Bob Sinclar comes into the top ten, and Edsilia Rombley to the top 20.

Markoolio hits the top in Sweden, performing Ingen sommar utan reggae, where Timo Raisanen's Sweet Marie is in at 3. Like the UK, Sweden allows songs to chart on downloads alone, and while the Ark are back up to 4, they're run close by Verka Serduchka (UA, 6), Hanna Pakarinen (FI, 8), and winner Marija Serifovic (RS, 9). Lower down, they've got Koldun (GR, 34), Serebro (RU, 35), and Magdi Ruzsa (HU, 59). In Czechia, Kabat move back up 42 places to 35, Serebro move to 18 on Latvian radio, and Hanna is number 15 in Estonia.

The big shock is that there's a new number one in Denmark - Teddy Pedersen's Brudevalsen moves past Trine Dyrholm. Teddy's is a young single, it's only been on the charts for nine and a half months. Choir of Young Believers are in at 4 with Burn the flag. New number one in Ireland for Rihanna; Hellogoodbye and Stellarsound enter at 10 and 11.

20 re Mika - Relax (take it easy)
19 NE Travis - Closer
18 18 DJ Ötzi - Ein stern
17 16 Alex Gaudino - Destination Calabria
16 15 Pet Shop Boys - She's Madonna
15 11 Gwen Stiffeny - The sweet escape
14 20 Michael Bublé - Everything
13 NE Scooch - Flying the flag (upside down)
12 12 Manic Street Preachers - Your love alone
11 NE Maroon 5 - Makes me wonder
10 10 Mika - Love today
 9  6 Fray - How to save a life
 8  9 Ville Valo and Natalia Avelon - Summer wine
 7  8 Boys Aloud - Ruby
 6  7 Timberland et al - Give it to me
 5  5 Linkin Park - What I've done
 4  4 Nelly Furtado - Say it right
 3  3 Mika - Grace Kelly
 2  2 Beyonce / Shakira - Beautiful liar
 1  1 Åvril Lavignnesøn - Girlfriend

27May

A very quiet week, just six new entries into the top 75. Bonde de Role - another Brazilian band, like CSS, come in at the bottom place, and Tim Deluxe is in at 71. Old songs from the Fratellis (first release August 06), Seizure Sisters (August 06), and Linkin Park / Jay Zed (Dec 2004) have a comeback, as does the Rolling Stones' Paint it, black (May 1966). Bone, Thugs and Harmony have their first hit single since 2003, and only their second in ten years; I tried is in at 69, and someone called Lloyd comes in at 66. Ten place climbs for Twang and Gossip; Armand van Helden and Mims stall at 45 and 41 respectively, suggesting that they're not going to have bigger hits. Fray might, their Over my head is up 9 at 49.

In spite of the intense quietness of the week (just six records move into the top 40), McFly still manage a second consecutive 19-place plummet. Ignoring the Elvis re-issues programme in 2005 (we reckon these as extensions of the songs' previous hit careers), only one number one record has spent just three weeks in the top 40 - Blur's Beetlebum, which went 1-7-29-42-68 in early 1997. The lads of Fly have now gone 1-20-39, and will be lucky to scrape two more weeks in the top 75. There are just two other five-week wonders, Iron Maiden's Bring your daughter to the slaughter 1-1-9-32-68, and U2's The fly 1-2-5-27-52. Blur and U2 subsequently benefitted from re-entries; according to a 2005 poll, Iron Maiden have the second favourite number one of all time amongst Radio 1 listeners.

Back in the present day, the Twang are in at 33 with Either way. One of these days, we'll work out from where their guitars are familiar. Biffy Clyro, the Cribs, and Scooch (6-22) all take large falls, but there are some gentle uplifts for old songs (Take That back up 4 to 40, Mika climbs 7 to 27). The curse of Band Aid Ill may have expired, as Dizzy Rascal finally has his first top 20 hit since making the most egregious contribution to a pointless single. Boys Aloud's old single Ruby is at number 23, and the follow-up Everything is average nowadays charts just four places higher. The song lives down to its subject matter, being mediocre in the extreme. R. Kelly has concentrated on his political career in recent years, but with the tenure of the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister coming to an end next month, it's back to the pop charts and a number 18 hit. Pigeon Detectives have the week's biggest new hit, climbing to number 12 with the catchy I'm not sorry.

Mutya Buena is the new top ten hit, adding to the umpteen she had with the Sugababes. Snow Patrol's drop allows Gym Class Heroes back into the top 5, Helloggodbye also up one to 4, Bouncey and Sharkia hold at 3, Maroon 5 at 2, and Amerie at 1. What a thoroughly depressing top five.

On the albums chart, Moron 5 hit the top with It Won't Be Soon Before Long, whatever that means. Linkin Pants drop a place to 2, Amy Whingebag, Michael Bubble, and Mika rise back to the top 5. Sophie Ellis Bextor is in at 7 with Trip the Light Fantastic, and Ozzy Osbourne's Black Rain comes in at 8. Cribs enter at 13 with Men's Needs Women's Needs, and Hellogoodbye are at 17 with Zombies Aliens Vampires Dinosaurs, a good description of their fans, there. Or are we getting confused with Simply Red, back up from 38 to 16. Erasure's Light at the End of the World enters at 29, the Seizure Sisters climb 31 to 32, the Used enter at 39, Candie Payne at 56, National at 57.

 9 11 Mutya Buena - Real girl
11 14 Åvril Lavignnesøn - Girlfriend
12 55 Pigeon Detectives - I'm not sorry
15 18 Mika - Love to-day
16 16 Manic Street Preachers
  - Your love alone is not enough
21 22 Mark Ronson - Stop me
25 26 Fray - How to save a life
27 34 Mika - Grace Kelly
28 17 Cribs - Men's needs
31 32 The Enemy - Away from here
32 19 Biffy Clyro - Nothing is a problem
33 NE Twang - Either way
38 49 Reverend and the Makers
  - Heavyweight champion of the world
39 20 McFly - Baby's coming back
43 24 Jojo - Anything
46 31 Funeral For A Friend - Into oblivion
52 46 Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm
54 39 CSS - Let's make love and listen to death...
56 67 Gossip - Standing in the way of control
57 59 Calvin Harris - Acceptable in the eighties
58 64 Pink - Leave me alone
61 71 Twang - Wide awake
68 75 Just Jack - Stars in their eyes
72 re Fratellis - Chelsea dagger
74 re Linkin Park / Jay Zed - Numb/Encore

.. 28 Verka Seduchka - Dancing lasha tumbai
.. 41 Mumm-Ra - She's got you high
.. 52 Willy Mason - We can be strong
.. 60 Ross Copperman - All she wrote

27May

This week, we've been watching and hearing...

• More or Less (Radio 4) looked into the problems of accurately measuring rainfall. Um, couldn't this feature have waited a week? Show website
• A History of Modern Britain (BBC-2), Andrew Marr's trip through the last sixty years of British history. Including how the damned Yankees betrayed the socialist revolution after the war, a fact that is often forgotten. It is amazing that there is no website for a series of this stature.
• Blue Peter - Timeslip (BBC-1), Konnie and Gethin take four present-day children, and invite them to view children's television from the past 50 years. Antan Dec haven't changed a jot, Why Don't You..? gets slated as dull, 60s BP misses the colour, but the simple entertainments of the 50s are very popular. The panel's choice: Johnny Ball on Think Again. Our choice: Gethin spending the night at Television Centre, taking interviewing lessons from Jeremy Paxman (You could sit up straight to start with), almost knocking the entire American feed off air, and button-holing Dermot Murnaghan.
• A Tabloid Is Born! (BBC-4). Kelvin MacKenzie's view on how Alf Harmsworth founded the Daily Hell. One of his earlier ruses was to publish a magazine called Answers to Correspondence, an earlier version of Het Graunida's Tones and Querkies page. Answers began with edition 3. Again, no website.
• Feedback (Radio 4), this week discussing the focus on kidnap victims Madeleine McCann and Alan Johnson. Correspondents wonder if Mr. Johnson would have received the same focus if he had not worked for the BBC, and if it was really necessary to report that Miss McCann was still missing. The show also discussed women in The Archers, but pretended that the documentary was somehow scripted. And Richard Bacon spoke about being a stand-in presenter, and said that he wouldn't dream of filling Chris Moyles' show.
• Election 2007 (RTÉ). News from Leinster South Central, where O'Blimey candidate has been excluded. The vote was on Thursday, the counts began Friday lunchtime, coverage continued well into the night (and to lunchtime on Saturday), and there's plenty of time for Peter O'Snow to do his work. All election programmes should be like this! And not like the coverage on BBC Parliament, which fell over during each commercial break.
• Goodbye Children Everywhere (BBC-4). 95% the potted history of children's television, 5% the threat posed by ITV's snout-in-the-trough short-sightedness. And 100% ruined when the channel fell off-air half-way through.
• The Children's Verdict (BBC-4), an adult version of this week's Blue Peter programmes, with Konnie and Gethin replaced by Valerie Singleton. Nifty.
• Fort Boyard (TV5), in which someone over ten actually wins Cotton Bales at the first attempt! This never happens! Shocked by this success, the team forgets to win any more keys for half an hour.

27May

Mary McAleese, president of Ireland, paid a state visit to Latvia and Lithuania. In it, she was expected to discuss matters of interest to the countries, including the political and economic links, and the far more important task of working out what they've all got to do to win Eurovision next year.

The New Democratic Party has won a third term in the provincial election in Manitoba. Gary Doer's government saw a net gain of one seat, to 36; the Conservatives lost one seat to 17, and the Liberals remained on 2.

The British government has been ordered to allow the Chagos islanders to return home. The families were evicted in the 1970s, but won the right to return following a court order. The foreign office attempted to pervert the course of justice after Margaret Beckett (Foreign excluding Europe) claimed crown perogative, but the court has thrown out this argument as a load of hogwash.

Three men have left the UK, breaking the control orders imposed upon them. It is alleged that the three wished to target British troops occupying Iraq. John Oh fuck, not health Reid was in a funk, and threatened to remove human rights.

The Irish election ended with Bertie Ahern's re-election as Taisoach. His Fianna Fáil party had 78 seats, five short of an overall majority, and expects to form a coalition with the Progressive Democrats and independents.

Following a tense stand-off, when troops loyal to Victor Yuschenko were mobilised, the Ukraine's president has agreed a date for fresh elections with Victor Yanukovych. The parliamentary elections will take place on 30 September - Mr. Yuschenko had wanted immediate votes, while Mr. Yanukovych believed he had a sufficient mandate.

Sport. Umar Bhatti took a hat-trick of LBWs in the Intercontinental Cup Final, played at Grace-road, Leicester. His Canadian side had already been bowled out for 92, but Bhatti's work did restrict Ireland to 352, when they had looked set to crack on well past 400. With Canada bowled out for 145 in their second innings, Ireland secured their win by 115 runs, with more than half the four-day match left.

27May

A more settled week than we had expected, the fronts had mostly run out of rain when they passed over on Tuesday night and the early hours of Friday. Not so for the rainband coming up from the south-west over the week-end, which delivered a thoroughly miserable Sunday - the second wash-out in a fortnight.

21 Mo sunny spells       8/16
22 Tu sunny spells       4/19
23 We sun                7/23
24 Th cloud to sun      14/22
25 Fr cloud             12/18
26 Sa sun to cloud       5/14
27 Su drizzle all day    7/ 9,19.5

Rainfall in May: 103.5mm; monthly average: 64mm

Degree heating days: 495
2005-6: 684/684
2004-5: 556/556
2003-4: 754/754

Degree cooling days: 10
2006: 13/360
2005: 10/238
2004: 9/198
2003: 11/328