26March

Gina G's Fresh dropped four to 10, and new at 9 came the Pet Shop Boys' Red letter day. The fourth and final single from their Single:Bilingual album owed a certain debt to some recordings of Can't help falling in love, particularly a traditional-Irish version that did the rounds about ten years earlier. Red letter day would become interesting for other reasons, but we'll come to those next week.

If she'd run against the Spice Girls, holding at the top for a third week, it's certain that R. would have lost. So would Mr. Blair, for the Spices were sweeping all before them. In retrospect, this final week at the top marked the high water mark for Spicemania; an awful lot would change before their next chart hit in October.

(More from this week in 1997, including one of the worst puns ever 1520 words)

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Two Songs a Week

28March

Off to Wolverhampton last night, to see the Transitions Dance Company. This is a bunch of about a dozen dance graduates (yes, it is possible to take a BA in modern dance, and an MA), based in London. They're mostly young, fresh-faced, and come up with all their own work. In addition to teaching and demonstrations, the group also tours its own work.

It is very difficult to summarise the performance - a series of small vignettes around a loose theme - without describing each individual part. Taken together, they challenged my conceptions of the capabilities of the human body, and how one can express the most subtle of emotions through simple physical movement. Certainly worth seeing, if they're in your area.

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Culture

28March

(Postcodes, UIP, Conrad Black, Plunkett, the seal hunt, and riots in Paris - 894 words, including the answer to this:)

What is the force of electric interaction between a copper ball of radius R carrying net charge +Q, and a point charge +3Q located at distance 2R from the center of the ball?

Please, help me people. My girlfriend will dump me, unless I score at least B on this assignment... she's got all A's.

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Miscellany

29March

Two years ago, the top web search returned the Imperial. Now, it returns pictures of a fresh-faced young man with a porcupine on his head.

Twins Bill and Tom Kaulitz were born in Leipzig in September 1989. At the age of 12, they formed the band Devilish with Magdeburg natives Gustav Schäfer and Georg Listing. They quickly outgrew the clubs of Saxony, and signed to Universal in 2003. The group's first major-label album, Schrei was released in autumn 2005, under their new name of Tokio Hotel. It appears that much of the songwriting was done by the hired hands Pat Benzner, David Jost, and Dave Roth - the Kaulitz brothers have joint credits on four of the twelve songs, with two others attributed to the group.

If the music's authenticity is questionable, the look of the group's members is not. Go on, just look at Bill Kaulitz, the lead singer who looks innocent and demure, but sings with dirt coursing through his veins. Tom - the guy with the dreadlocks - is quieter, just standing there and playing his guitar. The band's visual imagery is played out in their videos - a concert in a lake for debut hit Durch den Monson gave plenty of opportunity for wet t-shirt footage, and a house party for Schrei was typical of the image the band wants to project.

Ver Hotel's second album, Zimmer 483, was released earlier this year. Lead single Übers ende der Welt was promoted with a post-apocalyptic video, while the clip for Spring Nicht involves some very strange business in a car park.

We rather suspect that Tokio Hotel is filling a similar role to Evanescence - a group playing exquisitely manufactured commercial hard rock, fronted by a singer who half the audience wants to be, the other half wants to um, and these divisions are not on traditional gender lines.

Though possibly manufactured, and clearly formulaic, the group vies with Avril Lavigne for the honour of biggest teen sensation in the world at the moment. Sorry, McFly, but then sorry is not good enough. Tokio Hotel has exploded out of the German-speaking world to hit France, and plans to crack at the Anglosphere later this year, unless the Kaulitz twins are called up to the German army. We're enjoying the novelty while it lasts; by the end of the year, we could well be heartily sick of the group.

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Two Songs a Week

29March

We have no idea who wrote the CBC's report on Toronto FC's match yesterday. We do know that the report was poorly subbed. Here's a more comprehensible rendition.

Toronto FC beat the New York / Noy Joysey Metrostars 2-1.

The victory, at the Carolina Challenge Cup exhibition tournament, was the side's first over a Major League Soccer rival. Toronto will make its league debut on 7 April.

It is always good to get a win, Toronto head coach Mo Johnston said. But pre-season is about fitness.

I applaud the guys for fighting 90 minutes, but it has to get better. We are still not good enough.

Edson Buddle scored the decisive goal in the 36th minute, breaking a 1-1 tie when he headed the ball off a free kick from captain Ronnie O'Brien.

Alecko Eskandarian had put Toronto ahead in the 10th minute, converting O'Brien's pass.

John Wolyniec equalised for the Metrostars in the 21st minute with a header that eluded the grasp of keeper Greg Sutton.

Toronto has a win and a loss in the tournament. They will next play the hosts, Division II side Charleston Battery, who lost 1-0 to the Metrostars, and drew 1-1 with the Houston Dynamo.

Toronto lost last Saturday's opener 2-0 to Houston, the reigning MLS champions.

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Geekery

29March

Prochain ancien British prime minister Mister Tony Blair has let slip a Grand Scheme to reform the interior ministry. From 9 May, the agency will be split into two parts. A Ministry of Justice will take prisons, probation, criminal law, sentencing, anti-social behaviour, and the current responsibilities of the Lord Chancellor's department. A separate body - not named in the official announcement - will be responsible for panicking in the face of false threats, for misleading the public about all sorts of nonsense, and for generally getting in a funk about everything.

The timing appears to be a slap in the face from Mister Blair and the current interior minister, Mr. John Reid. Mister Blair is widely expected to resign shortly after the Labour party is defeated in regional polls on 3 May, and this decision will tie the hands of his successor, Gordon Brown whoever that may be. We might also see it as a show of strength by Mr. Reid, who will be letting go of everything to do with rehabilitation, release, and generally being nice to people. Instead, he'll have more time to wave his willy and try to pull that Mrs. Mills, now she's split with Mr. Mills. The timing of the announcement has also raised concern, as it came out on the final Commons sitting day before the two-week Easter recess.

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Politics

30March

Getting to and from London's airports with a large and heavy suitcase is difficult. Here's our recommendations for getting from (and, by extension, to) the leading two airports. As ever, readers who have personal experience may wish to leave a comment.

(More: From Gatwick, and from Heathrow - 819 words)

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Consumer

31March

The bottom line: fewer people are reading, and the only significant expansion comes in the Urals and Singapore. (All the details and some commentary.)

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Six Apart is Rubbish

1April

One of m'learned chums wrote,

after six hours of sitting in the airport with a severely sprained ankle, my flight was cancelled.

The moral of the story? Don't go to airports if you have a sprained ankle. Indeed, we expect a missive from John Reid's new Ministry of Headless Chickens banning anyone with a slightly gammy leg from travelling anywhere by aeroplane, as the crutches could be a potential death trap terrorist weapon (cheesy grin, whacky thumbs aloft.)

Laura wrote,

i am okay with who i am,

Huzzah! Readers may also wish to be aware of Laura's newish other blog, Momcore.

Elsewhere, we hear,

Thor is Aphrodite's type.

Dahlink, everyone is Aphrodite's type. This sort of cuteness is something that she encourages. There will be no smiting, only gentle pulling on bows to get them at just the right angle for ultimate cuteness.

Speaking of Aphrodite, there are those who will argue that marriage is a recognition of a remarkable and unusual combination, requiring nothing more than a public declaration by all concerned. Others may wish to take a less inclusive and more bigoted view.

An out-take from Het Grauniad's ovre-by-oevr commentary on England's loss to Ireland. Surely Patrick Kielty is the equivalent of fans tearing up the seats, invading the pitch and forcing an abandonment?, says David Ford. 12 points deduction, £500,000 fine and a two-year ban from European competition.

(More: Discussion of Scott Somedisco's points, the Sanctity of Pop, to-day's newspaper columnists, and the Annual April Fish Awards. 941 words)

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Miscellany

1April

No Angels are back! The group founded in the 2001 Popstars contest hit it big with Daylight in your eyes, and progressively smaller until they split some years back. Goodbye to yesterday is their new hit, in at 4. Down at 15 comes The moment you believe, for Melanie C. This, people, is the reason why she doesn't want a Spice Girls reunion - she's doing just fine on her own. Justin Numberwang and Alex Calabria are into the French top ten. New number one in Norway, Full pakke performed by Grandiosa. Lower down the Norwegian charts, we see Lene Alexandra has a single called My boobs are OK. Gain Fast lead in Latvia, performing Var jau but. Gerard Joling takes over in the Netherlands, performing Maak me gek. And in Ireland, the Fray's How to save a life takes over at the top, because last week's leader from 21 Demands drops down to position 19.

20 19 Fatal Bazooka - Mauvaise foi nocturne
19 16 Yannick Noah - Aux arbes citoyens
18 13 Calvin Harris - Acceptable in the eighties
17 10 Take That - Shine
16 NE Stacey Ferguson - Glamourous
15 15 Killers - Read my mind
14 11 Ville Valo and Natalia Avelon - Summer wine
13 14 DJ Ötzi - Ein stern
12 12 Boys Aloud - Ruby
11 NE Alex Gaudino - Destination Calabria
10  8 Cascada - Miracle
 9  6 Gossip - Standing in the way of control
 8  7 Gwen Stiffeny - The sweet escape
 7  9 Justin Numberwang - What goes around
 6  4 Fray - How to save a life
 5 17 Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
 4  5 Pet Shop Boys - She's Madonna
 3  3 Nelly Furtado - All good things
 2  2 Nelly Furtado - Say it right
 1  1 Mika - Grace Kelly

Charts

1April

Elton John's back catalogue was made available to download this week; only Rocket man enters the list, at 62. The lower reaches also include a new entry for Darren Styles (70), the latest hitmaker from All Around The World. The power of E4's Skins is shown by the new entry at 52 for Cat Stevens performing Wild world - the song was used in the final scene of the show's last episode. Though a top ten hit for Jimmy Cliff in 1970, and again for Maxi Priest in 1988, Cat's original version has never been a hit until now.

Klaxons (65-53), Chris Cornell (70-54), and My Chemical Romance (66-43) all make big climbs. Marillion will be slightly unhappy to be at 45, the group's latest single is out on downloads alone. Greater unhappiness for the Holloways, stuck at 41. If they want to take out a contract on Snore Patrol, we're with 'em.

Faithless come in at 38 with Music matters. The group's only had one hit of note in five years now, but this isn't out on physicals until the 23rd. Air Traffic is another good-natured garage band from south-east England, entering at 33 with Charlotte. Wonder if we can start talking about an Estuary Scene yet? We can certainly discuss a Melanie C return, though perhaps not the first single - I want candy is new at 24, and is a cover of a Brian Poole song that wasn't much good to begin with. He took it to 25 in 1965; it's since been covered by Bow Wow Wow (8 in 1982), Candy Girls (30 in 1996), and Ickle Aaron Carter (31 in 2000).

Kings of Leon have the highest top 40 entry at 18, but they're only slightly more interesting that When Wet Paint Dries. Sugababes and CESes slump from 2 to 14, a remarkable slump in any era. Seamus Haji's Last night a DJ saved my life storms up 25 to 13, and most of the rest of the chart is taken with records shuffling up into the gap left by the ladies. With the exception of Take That (slipping one to 8), every record from 2 to 13 is climbing the list, something we believe to be unprecedented in chart history.

Bad news for Doctor Vee, because the band he described as the arse end of Scottish culture remain as the UK's best-sellers for a third week. We reckon he's being a bit harsh, but he has a point. Genuine Scots? Runrig works here, along with a good chunk of our recent 33-and-a-third list.

On the albums chart, ver That hold at number one, ahead of yet another Elton John hits compilation. We've lost count of them, there have been so many. Cascada moves up two places to number 3, a quite remarkable result for a dance act. Good climbs for Fray (19-9) and Mika (18-8). Another hits albums from The Doors enters at 15, one place of Machine Head's The Blackening. Hilary Duff's album Dignity is in at 25, the Bees' Octopus makes it in at 26, Climbs for Pink, Stacey Ferguson, Sell Out Boy, Faithless's hits, and My Chemical Romance; falls for Ray Quinn, Enter Shikari!, Russell Watson, Good Charlotte, and Ben Mills. Looks like there's been a promo campaign on greatest hits albums, as Johnny Cash, Bruce Springboard, Michael Kiddyfiddler Jackson, Elvis Presley all re-enter the top 50. Pushed out: Brett Anderson (54), the Good Shoes (55), and Madina Lake (60). Magnum are new at 70, if an act that's been going for the past twenty years can be new.

 2  3 Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
 5  6 Fray - How to save a life
10 11 Mika - Grace Kelly
12 16 Calvin Harris - Acceptable in the eighties
19  9 Massimo Park - Our velocity
20 18 Gossip - Standing in the way of control
21 19 Kelis - Little star
23 15 Twang - Wide awake
29 26 Proclaimers - I'm gonna be (500 miles)
30 27 Killers - Read my mind
33 NE Air Traffic - Charlotte
34 31 Just Jack - Stars in their eyes
37 34 Pink - Leave me alone
39 25 Ghosts - Stay the night
41 NE Holloways - Dancefloor
42 37 Lily Allen - Alfie
45 NE Marillion - See it like a baby
46 39 Fratellis - Baby fratelli
51 46 View - Same jeans
56 55 Fratellis - Chelsea dagger
57 52 Jojo - Too little too late
59 44 Razorlight - I can't stop this feeling I've got
60 57 Nelly Furtado - All good things
61 45 Lemar - Tick tock
69 36 Tiny Dancers - I will wait for you
71 re Shakira - Hips don't lie
75 re My Chemical Romance
  - Welcome to the black parade

Charts

1April

This week, we've been watching...

* The Trap (BBC2) depressing and moving.
* Raven (CBBC) After 119 episodes, we finally crack the code. It's not the games, it's the contestants we cheer for.
* I Blame the Spice Girls (C5) Actually, we blame Richard Branson, who should have bid one pound higher.

... and listening to...

* My Life In Serious Organised Crime (Rad4), Mark Thomas's one-man exposé of the pointlessness of the ban on demonstrating in the vicinity of Westminster. This law is probably a violation of one's right to free speech, but Mr. Thomas's approach - flood the police with paperwork - is more likely to succeed in the short-term. The show suffered from very poor audio quality, and we hate to think what it sounded like online.
* Feedback - the decline of children's radio is swept under the carpet by CBBC, why the Kaiser Chiefs are ubiquitous, Evan Davies on the lack of European input into business coverage, radio bloopers, and a can of oil for Manchester.

* Room for Squares (John Mayer) Cor, to think that this was the future of rock 'n' roll, once.

We were surprised to learn that 3C, the country music station, closed down on Tuesday. 3C took out a short-term license in the West Midlands in November 2003, to promote their license application; the frequency eventually went to Kerrang radio, which almost every neutral observer believes to be a mistake. They were never on DAB in this area, though we would not have been surprised if GMG had leased the space vacated by Smooth London to 3C.

Century Digital also closed on CE Birmingham on Tuesday; it had left the London multiplex on Friday. Century appeared on CE Brum in December 2002, broadcasting at 128 Kbps joint stereo. Last October, Capital sold its Century stations to GMG, and the bitrate was halved (in favour of Chill radio). The station held out on DAB for five months. No replacement has yet appeared.

In the latest re-launch, DAB National station Core is to lose all its presenters, and become a listener-led station. It's not that the listeners will be able to programme complete hours, but the station will tell people who send a premium-rate SMS when their favourite song will next be played. So long as it's a song on the station's playlist, natch.

Media

1April

Power-sharing will come to Northern Ireland on 8 May, according to a deal reached between Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness to-day. The face-to-face talks between Dr. No and a convicted terrorist ended with both sides agreeing to give politics a chance. And to sign a letter calling for Peter Hain's resignation.

An independent report into Ontario Lotteries found that the quango was fixated on profits and had lost the public trust.

This week's election took place in Quebec, which has suddenly become a three-party province. The governing Liberal party was returned as the largest group in the new parliament, but 48 of the 125 seats is a long way short of an overall majority. The gains mostly came from right-wing Action Démocratique du Québec, which increased its representation from 5 to 41 seats. The Parti Québécois lost ground, finishing with 36 members. Neither the Greens nor the Québec Solidaire was able to translate 4% popular support into any seats. Further: CBC.

The United Nations rapporteur suggests that independence is the best future for Kosov@. No other option will be stable politically and economically, says Martti Ahtisaari. It's a stiffening of his position from January, when a Mandate was preferred.

New figures from the European Union revealed that Red China is Europe's biggest trading partner.

The government of Romano Prodi survived a confidence vote in the Italian Senate, after two far-left senators decided to abstain.

The country formerly known as Burma will move its capital. Myanmar's head city will henceforth be Naypidaw, which replaces Yangon (formerly Rangoon).

Theresa "Jowell" Mills, the culture-free culture secretary, has been defeated over her plans to build seventeen new casinos in England. The upper chamber voted 123:120 to reject the proposals; MPs approved them by 274:250 following some arm-twisting and grovelling by Mrs. Mills. Her husband is currently standing trial in Italy on charges of fraud and money laundering; the couple have kept separate houses since March last year.

The United Nations recommends the mass removal of penile foreskins in an effort to impede the spread of AIDS. Single-blind tests indicate that circumcised men were significantly less likely to contract HIV than those whose penises were intact. This measure only provides partial protection, and is no substitute for the correct use of prophylactics, or not sleeping around, or abstinence.

News

1April

Ségolène Royal launched her website, the Ségosphère. D'ya see what she did there? As key-grabbers go, it's almost up there with a quick success in Bobine. She has the backing of the Communists in the second round, assuming that she gets there. And that the party's preferred candidate, Marie-George Buffet (last seen sticking her hand into a jar of mice), doesn't qualify.

M. Popup has been in Avignon, vowing to dance on the bridge. He also enjoys the support of M. Booloo; it's not yet known how Yogi Ours will vote. He wasn't in Paris, where commuters unhappy that their métro train was running almost 40 seconds late began chanting against him. M. Popup is widely believed to have sparked riots in Paris back in November 2005, when he suggested that immigrants were scum. M. Popup said, I will not be on the side of fraudsters, cheats and dishonest people, which makes us wonder why he's standing for the UMP. Mme. Royal said, In five years, with a right-wing government that has made crime its main campaign issue, you can see that it is a failure all the way. And M. Bayrou added, It is very important to end this climate of perpetual confrontation between police and some citizens.

One of the many former ministers of the interior has had a pop at Mme. Royal, but no former interior minister ever says anything less than risible.

M. Bayrou proposed an alteration to the wealth tax, which currently strikes those families with accumulated assets (including their main residence) of €760 000 (£500,000). M. Bayrou would replace the six tapers (up to 1,8% on nesteggs of over €15 810 000 (£10 million)) with a flat 1% tax on capital transfers of €750 000. The centrist candidate says that the existing wealth tax drives out people who would otherwise make a valuable contribution to French society; in the 2006 tax year, less than half a million people paid the tax. The net income is €3,64md (£2,400,000,000), a significant tax cut for the significantly wealthy.

Gilles de Robien, the education minister from the UDF party, has declined to support the party's presidential candidate M. Bayrou, but has pledged his key to M. Popup.

Eyeballing the sondages this week, it looks like M. Bayrou has fallen back , with Mme. Royal picking up the lion's shares of the gains. Approximate figures: M. Popup 28, Mme. Royal 26½, M. Bayrou 19, M. Lepen 12. M. Popup still leads the head-to-head, but only by 51-49.

Politics

1April

A springlike week, with warm days and cool nights in north-easterly winds. That's except for Thursday, when showers ruled the roost.

26 Mo mist to sun        5/15
27 Tu fog to sun         4/12
28 We sun                0/14
29 Th cloud, showers     6/ 8, 6.0
30 Fr mist               5/10
31 Sa sun, wintry shower 7/13, 1.0
01 Su sun                4/15

Rainfall in March: 73mm; monthly average: 52.3mm.
Rainfall in April: 0mm; monthly average: 64.6mm
Degree heating days: 495½
2005-6: 764/808
2004-5: 625/677½.

Weather