It's the time of year when fathers up and down the land drag their children to a draughty hall where they can ogle the nubile backing dancers wearing nothing more than a skimpy leotard, and completely ignore the overpaid has-been on the front of the stage. These very minor celebrities are incapable of holding a note, remembering their lines, wear more make-up than the entire ground floor of House of Fraser, and look like something the cat dragged in after it had spent a night on the tales.
But December is not only about the Spice Girls concerts. It's pantomime season!
Panto grew out of the lavish masque productions in the early 17th century, and was heavily influenced by the Italian import, comedy. This idea annoyed the Puritans, who got so up themselves that they left the country for a promised land in the east, where they remain humourless grouches to this day.
In 1723, a battle began between theatres at Lincoln's Inn and Drury Lane. Each year, they would stage more extravagant, more lavish, more shocking productions, starring ever more famous actors. The Christmas productions began to have men playing women's roles, and vice versa, in a nod to the role reversal of festivals such as Saturnalia. Whatever the time of year, the good people would enter stage right, and the evil always come on from stage left; the Italian commedia del 'arte had heaven and hell associated with those sides.
By the early 20th century, pantomime had subsumed such harlequinade, and evolved into a ritual. There's song, there's dance, slapstick, bad jokes, topical jokes, bad topical jokes, and lashings of audience participation. Oh yes there is! Cheer for the good guys! Boo the villains! Where are the best years of your career, Posh? Behind you! And there's always a lot of double entendre, turning polite sentences into something risque.
The plot, such as it is, is usually based on a traditional fairy tale, or one of the Grimm stories. But no-one goes for the plot, it's an excuse to have lots of fun and introduce the kiddies to theatre. And for dads to ogle the Best Boy in her leotard.
Where are we going with this? To one of the better radio pantomimes, produced by The Mary Whitehouse Experience
on 15 December 1990. In this clip, two standing jokes require explanation. The Irish voice is meant to be John Cole, at the time the BBC's political editor; according to TMWE, he wanted a new coat, one like Michael Brunson's. The Arabic voice is Iraqi President Sadaam Hussein; in TMWE-land, Pres. Sadaam was rather disappointed that the plethora of celebrities visiting him to plead for the release of western hostages hadn't yet included his favourite person, 1970s impressionist Mike Yarwood.
Just to bulk up the download, we've also included The Family Experience from the broadcast two weeks earlier. Witness for yourself the birth of a catchphrase.
We should point out that the audio quality of these shows is a bit rubbish; and that they're shamelessly excepted from the complete series 4, available at The Mary Whitehouse Experience Website.
