Britain's tax on the feeble-minded has been a rip-roaring success. Since its launch in 1994, the National Lottery has successfully removed more than £47 milliard (€71 milliard, USD 50 million billion trillion quintillion gazillion (approx.)) from the pockets of the innumerate, and redistributed it to those with something more than sausages for brains.
This week, The Lottery Corp. had a new bauble to separate fools from their money. The Cool Cash Card invited punters to bet bet bet on whether the next number would be higher or lower than the previous one. The numbers were represented as temperatures. Bryce Forsooth..?
BF: Nnnnnnnnn! The first temperature is -8. Will the next be higher or lower than -8?
Audience: Higher! Lower! Higher! Lower!
Contestant: Lower, Bryce.
BF: Nnnn! Lower than a -8? It's - ooh! It's a -6. Bad game. Bad game. Ooh, the numbers are funny tonight.
Audience: Funnier than you ever were.
The contestant, a Tina Farrell, was having none of this. It's obvious that -8 is higher than -6, she said, inaccurately. She even called the organisers to check, but was politely told the rather large error of her ways. I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it. Cameintoalottomoney banged their heads against a brick wall, and pointed out that a child of ten would understand what's going on here. Tina Fool said, My eldest is twelve, she's not got to that bit yet..
The lottery operator said that this has caused the company to re-think their strategy. We never thought that anyone could lose money by overestimating the stupidity of the Grate British Public. We thought that we could fling any old tat their way and they would buy it. Anthea Turner, no problem. Dale Winton, absolutely fine. Even Millionaire Manor
didn't dent our penetration of the moron market. But we admit it, we bit off more than we could chew. We thought that those nutters could handle simple concepts like more and less. We can: less money flowing in means more worry for us. But they can't, and it's entirely depressing.
None of the billions filched from the uneducated goes into remedial education courses, so that people might understand just how much of a swizz this company is, or that -8 really is a smaller number than -6.
Camelottofleecing has withdrawn the game, and replaced it with something less demanding: mugs will hand over a pound, and receive a scratchcard with one panel. Behind this panel will be the word Win - entitling them to 100 new pence - or the word Lose. It's called Every Ticket A Losing Ticket, Or Your Money Back.
Camelot's profit last year was £843. Bryce Forsooth is 110 million.
