17June

Before we begin, a Parliamentary Broadcast. To-night at 6pm, BBC Parliament will be repeating Falklands Night. The programmes were first shown on 1 April, and here's what you're going to see. Or miss. And we've got INFAX links to the complete programme contents, and a further discussion of the events that led to the resignation of the presenter of Panorama. Don't forget, the absolute highlight comes at two seconds to nine o'clock, and we're not going to tell you what it is. After that, a three-hour experiment in setting pictures to the radio broadcasts from the Commons.

Back, by popular lack of demand, it's Question Muck The Leaders!

These people are going for the highest elected office in the Labour party. If they want the prize, they'll have to work together as a team. If they're clever, or very very lucky, they may win the odd first preference or two, and they may be able to turn those into something completely... unremarkable! Who are these scintillating six?

• Jon Cruddas, a no-nonsense lad from Dagenham.
• Peter Hain, a cricket fan from South Africa.
• Alan Johnson, a postman from off the street.
• Harriet Harman, a sycophant from Peckham.
• Hilary Benn, a famous son from Festive Road.
• Hazel Blears, an insubstantial careerist from Manchester.

Computer, what can you tell us about these people?

Bungalowheads -- ready! Contenders -- ready! Three! Two! Question One!

1. What do you think was Tony Blair's biggest failure?

Affordable housing, says Peter, who hasn't argued for housing at cabinet. Harriet starts off sucking up to the former captain Blair, and is rebuked by the ref; she eventually nominates Iraq. Hazel says that there's an impression that justice doesn't work, and acknowledges that this is one of the many things that she's personally buggered up. Question Muck is only a one-hour show, we do not have time to enumerate more than a few of Hazel's failings.

Jon goes for Iraq, both the weapons of mass deception and the failure to plan on an aftermath. Hilary is worried by the gap between rich and poor, both domestically and globally. The ref says that he hasn't heard Hilary talk about this matter; we recommend syringing his ears. Alan goes for children in care, a group that really gets a rough deal.

The Bungalowhead with hair that looks like a bungalow asks if Mister Blair has achieved anything? Rhetoric. Another 'head asks why they buggered up Iraq, and is patronised by Hazel. The ref has his work cut out to keep this team on the right path and not wander off. Peter says something boring. Jon says he regrets voting for war, and says he regretted it at the time. Harriet practices her new job as an echo chamber. Alan claims that everyone believes Sadaam had weapons of mass destruction - this is categorically wrong.

Another Bungalowhead mutters something about being ruled by Europe, and Peter claims that the Labour government has been pro-Europe. Schengen? Euro? The New Social Charter? All rejected by the UK. Hilary correctly points out that the UK has more clout, but the real winners here are the Maastricht rebels, who wanted a broader Europe before considering a deeper Europe.

The ref. asks what the team would have done differently. Alan would be loyal to the leader. Harriet wants more for those with kiddies. Peter wants to connect to the Labour grass-roots. Jon would have declined a senior ministerial role. Hazel echoes Peter, and says that she's not Mr. Prescott. Really? Hilary declines to answer the question directly, and talks about a direct politics. A bungalowhead picks Harriet up for concentrating on relative pover'y and people not having birfday par'ys. Hilary uses the Jubilee Line Life Expectancy Statistic; we would like a source. Another bungalowhead talks about children of refugees, Alan bats it away.

2. Jon Cruddas is proving popular with the public with his old Labour principles; should the other candidates take a leaf out of his book?

Hilary suggests Jon has his fanclub in; the ref. asks after the Mr. Benn fanclub. They're in the changing room. He steals Peter's point about affordable housing. Peter says that Labour needs to be a listening government, whether new, old, or middle-aged. His rhetorical flourish, We had to rescue the country from the Tories, and we've done a fantastic job is completely buried. We do like his International Affairs prospectus. Jon uses the anecdote of the Lithuanian bloke on £15 per day, and mentions frontline NHS services. That's this week's Secret Catchphrase, earning Jon a book token and this round of applause.

Who's banging on about progressive international issues? Must be Alan. Harriet is sexist by saying that she wants to be a female deputy, and claims that the two of them would have a broad reach and a 360° view. Hazel talks about the handbag wars: first rule, never talk about the handbag wars. She wants social justice and a strong economy, but implies that Gordon Brown has created a strong and stable economy, when his work is entirely built on credit. The ref. suggests that Mr. Brown might have sidled up to Hazel. Pass the sick-bag.

Harriet says that Labour has moved the centre ground into their neck of the woods; Alan says that Labour has moved to the centre ground. One Bungalowhead suggests reviewing the special relationship with the unelected government of provinces south of Canada. Alan says that America is part of our European heritage, so it's quite clear that he's after the same imbecile vote that Mr. Prescott has so carefully cultivated over the past years. Harriet says that the UK has to be critical. Peter is also going for the incorrect vote, claiming that Labour is aligned with the Democratic faction. One Bungalowhead picks up the use of language - you say you've had ten years in power. You're in office to serve, not to seek power for power's sake.

A bungalowhead suggests that the junior doctor appointment nonsense has rather undermined the Education³ policy. Alan spouts statistics about school performance, and claims it's a problem with the computer system. Nonsense: it's a problem of trying to squeeze two year's intakes into one year's positions. Another bungalowhead asks about a big brother state; Hazel jumps on this one, and continues to spin her hobby-horse. Harriet was a former chair of a civil liberties lobby, and claims that Labour introduced new human rights. This is false; the ECHR was applicable in the UK for many years before Labour arrived, all that this party did was to allow those affected to bring cases before UK courts.

3. This Labour Government has been accused of excessive law making. What piece of legislation from the last 10 years would you most like to see repealed?

Jon pleads for more time; it is his first time. Alan says that the 75p pension rise in 1999 was a PR disaster. Hazel would like to repeal some of the unused criminal justice legislation that she personally put through the Commons, confirming that she really has absolutely wasted the last decade. Hilary would not have repealed the graduate tax. Peter says there have been too many regulations, both created domestically and through Europe. His example is school trips, but he doesn't have a solution to the problem he's mentioned. Harriet goes on about misdirected legislation, but does not nominate a single piece. Jon would reverse the recent (non-legislative) decision to replace Trident, and would remove the bar on refugee claimants from working.

A bungalowhead suggests that this is a poor substitute for a proper leadership debate. Hilary says that he commands the respect of lots of MPs, but Mr. Brown has declined to submit himself to the judgement of the party faithful. Alan denies that Mister Blair asked him to run for the leader's job. A bungalowhead asks if the deputy leader will have any real influence. Peter says that it's not a party job, but also a governmental one. Harriet knows that she will have influence under Mr. Brown. Again, pass the sick-bag. Jon points out that this is an elected job, unlike certain other ones we could mention. Peter makes a point, but it's drowned out by the ref.

4. Recognising excellence in others is fundamental to good leadership, so can you name the single greatest political achievement of one of your co-runners?

Peter mentions Hilary's job on international development. Hilary goes for Harriet on child-care. Harriet nominates Jon for his work on housing. Hazel says Alan's achievement is to bring in maternity and paternity pay. Alan says that Hazel has been a tremendous party chair. Jon praises Alan's handling of top-up fees. No-one mentioned Hain and Ulster, remarks the ref.

Model answers and results

1. Signalling his resignation date so far in advance has made Mister Blair a powerless prime minister for almost three years.
2. Yes.
3. The identity register act.
4. Peter, for his symbolic protests against the racist South African government. It's a shame that his greatest achievement was thirty-seven years ago.

Left-to-right along the panel. Hilary was competent but didn't sparkle. Hazel was poor, and we're particularly marking her down for confessing her own uselessness. Jon was feisty on his debut, but loses marks for claiming thinking time. Peter had an interesting hairstyle, and made a few very good points. Harriet was poor throughought, and Alan was almost entirely superfluous to requirements. The loser was Hazel; the winner was Hilary.

Phew. We completely forgot just how difficult this was. We won't be doing it again, though the presence of Mad Boris might have us tuning in...

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