23May
Bertie Ahern has taken the Walk of Votes in the only show hosted by Naoel AEdmhondis on Irish television at the moment:
Just seven boxes are left; The Elector will speak again after the next box.
Ah, knew you'd be back.
Box 26 A double bed. "All the better for you to lie in, Bertie." That's fighting talk from former minister Richard Bruton (FG). "Well, FF's finance man Brian Cowen said this morning that only 75,000 people win on our policies. That's nonsense. Brian didn't consider stamp duty. Brian didn't consider childcare. Brian didn't consider tax relief for single income families."
Hello, Elector. You have another poll for us? You do treat us well, you know that. What? Stop buttering you up and get on with it, the sooner it's over the sooner you can stop wondering if your television set has a fault with the vertical hold? Charming. Anyway. Yes. Yes. Oh!
Bertie, the Elector is liking you a lot. Think about this offer carefully; if you turn it down, you're committed to going to the last two. The offer is: A copy of Enda Kenny's Contract With the People, which you were probably expecting. An appreciation of fine rhetoric when The Elector hears it, which I don't think you were expecting. 41% of the poll, that'll probably translate into a near-majority. A bottle of milk, and a housebrick.
It's tempting, it's very tempting. But No Dáil!
"Good on you, Bertie! We're here until the last box is opened!" Supportive words there, Enda.
Box 21 A grounded aeroplane. Amoron Airlines has withdrawn from Shannon, to focus on its core Dublin to Chicagou route. Independent James Breen said that the government had not carried out a study into the effect of the recent Open Skies agreement, and fears that Shannon will soon have no transatlantic service.
Box 22 Neeeh, what's up, Gerry? Both Fine Gail and Fianna Fáil have ruled out a possible coalition with Sinn Féin. Gerry Adams's dream of being in power on both sides of the frontier will have to wait. Rumours persist that Pat Rabbitte and his Labour party will talk with FF if that's what it takes to keep the IRA men out.
Box 23 A media blackout. There is to be no discussion of the election on the final day before polling. Instead, news from... well, read it and see.
Here, There and Everywhere. Sinn Féin's new minister for regional development has dropped himself in the silly bucket. Conor Murphy has written a document saying that the Republic of Ireland should be referred to as all Ireland, that Northern Ireland should be termed here, and that the big city on the Foyle should be called Derry, not Londonderry.
Gregory Campbell of the DUP set up a theatre of the absurd. What would he say when we beat England at Windsor Park? Here 1, England 0?
But it was Sammy Wilson who kicked the ball home. I can imagine someone ringing up the Minister and saying, 'Is the Minister there?' And his official saying, 'No, he's here'. 'Can I speak to him?' 'No, he's not here.' 'But you told me a minute ago he was there.' 'No, I said he was here, but he's not here.
Elector, come and save us from this madness! Hello! You're still there? And not here? Oh, I'm sorry I ever told the story. What, you want to speak to the Independent Auditor? Very well...
The Independent Auditor writes: Hello, Elector. OK, you'd like me to whip out my pen-knife, and then what? Make deep incisions into the host's neck? You're looking as green as the box there, Naoel. No? Oh. Ah, you'd like me to cut six inches roughly in the top-middle of the green box on Bertie's desk, parallel to the long side. Then an inch at the end, then another six-inch cut parallel. So that there's a small hole in the top? Like that? Yes. And now hand the phone back to Naoel? Sure you don't want me to stab him for you? OK, you're in charge.
Er, right. I must say, Elector, I'm stumped here. You've just cut a hole in the top of the box, all it would take is a little pressure and we can see what's inside. But first, we need an offer from you.
No offer, would you like a cup of tea?
Er, no thanks.
Ah, go on.
No thank you.
Ah, go on.
No thank you.
Ah, go on.
No!
Well, they'll carry on well into the night. We'll go off and cast our ballots, but don't think that's the end of the show, Mrs. Doyle or No Mrs. Doyle
fans. You can see what's inside the box that Bertie has been jealously guarding. Results will begin to come in late on Friday morning, and by Friday evening, we'll have a very good idea of whether he should have taken one of The Elector's prior offers. Those of you in the UK can see two-and-a-half hours of green box magic on BBC Parliament from 7pm on Friday.
